Past months Featured Jokes.....June 02

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in
front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to
avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window
and "flipped" the woman off.
Man, that guy is stupid, I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does
anything to me in traffic,and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of
these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every
40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass
at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by a female, that's 18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to
Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females
have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe
men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle
Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered
suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off?....... I think not.

A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy
popcorn,the boy asks, Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?
That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear, she replies.
No, Mom. Down underneath.
His mother blushes and says, Oh, that’s nothing.
The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she
leaves, the boy repeats his question.
That’s the elephant’s trunk, son.
Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing down there.
The father says, Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis.
Dad, the son asks, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?
The man takes a deep breath and explains, Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.

One day a man was eating dinner with his girlfriends parents.
The dog was under his chair and it barked while he was holding
in a fart, this startled the man and caused him to rip a small
fart.
The mom said, "Fido!", Since the dog was recieving the blame he
decided to rip a huge one, again the mother said, Fido! Go Away!
Seeing as the dog was continuing to recieve the blame he let out
a wet, loud, and/or possibly deafening fart.
Then his girlfriend said, Fido, you heard mom, leave before he shits on you!

Man's Three Rules When Getting Old"
.....1) Never pass a bathroom,
.....2) Never waste a hard-on,
.....3) Never trust a fart

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis
are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's
willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they
take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk,
insert them in the base of his penis, and hoped for the best.
The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never
having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6
weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment."
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he
starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets
unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes
his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of
his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and
disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets
a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can
you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face,
he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another
dinner roll up my ass."

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months, he walks to work
every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks
in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes.
After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases
them. Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance
at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his
new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do
you wear red panties tonight?"
Sophia, startled, says " Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight,
but how do you know?"
Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather
shoes, How do you like them?
Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her "Rosa,
do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers!, " Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that.
He answers "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather
shoes. How do you like them?"
Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played.
Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Mid way through the dance his face
turns red. He says "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell
me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true,"
Carmella answers, " Yes, Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."
Giorgio gasps and says .. "Thanka God... thought I had a CRACK in
my new $300.00 Bocceli

Mandlebaum receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything
costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun
in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When
he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only
a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last
round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his
room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees....
Golf: $1. 00.
Dinner: $1.00.
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $395
He hits the ceiling! Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all
about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me $395 for
three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our
promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've
gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them $400 dollars a day
for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get
you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!

An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things,
so they go to the doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but
you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember
things."
That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from
his chair.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "I'm going to the kitchen to get a glass of water."
She says, "Will you get me some Vanilla ice cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down. Vanilla ice cream."
She says, "And could I have strawberries and whipped cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down.Vanilla ice cream with
strawberries and whipped cream."
Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon
and eggs.
She says, "You forgot my fucking toast."

A couple had been married for 40 years. They had
both celebrated their 60th birthdays recently. During
the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because
they had been such a loving couple all these years,
she would give them one wish each.
As a faithful, loving spouse, the wife wanted a romantic
vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around
the world.
The fairy waved her wand and poof!
The wife had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn, and the fairy assured
him he could have any wish he wanted -- all he needed
to do was ask for his heart's desire.
He paused for a moment, and then, he said, "Well,
honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger
than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and poof! He was 90!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully
onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "it's just arthritis."

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on
TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be
healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV
and the other hand on the body part where they wanted
to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed
her right hand on the set and her left hand on her
arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great
pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right
hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just
don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the
sick, not to raise the dead."

An old man walks into a confessional.The following
conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells
the madam he would like a young girl for the
night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man
and asks how old he is.
I'm 90 years old, he says.
90! replies the woman. Don't you realize you've
had it?
Oh, sorry," says the old man, how much do I owe you?

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers,
but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically
to the pastor for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper,
and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note,
then dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away,
so he places it in his jacket pocket. At Fred's funeral, as
the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing
the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.
Fred handed me a note just before he died, he says. I haven't
looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of
inspiration in it for us all.
Opening the note, he reads aloud,
Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!

[ Back ]................................................................................................................................................... [ Forward ]