Past months Featured Jokes.....July 02
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so
he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't
hear, so he does sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need",
and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts
masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and
says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming.
Golf Truism.............Nothing increases your golf score more than witnesses.
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top.
She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a
result she has a thick black bush under each arm.
Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender
for another drink.
This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy
pits every time she raises her arm.
Near the end of the night this drunk at the end of the bar says to
the bartender.
Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink.
The bartender replies, She's not a ballerina. What makes you think
she's a ballerina?
The drunk says, Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!
The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street,
so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a
cop directed traffic.
Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, Okay,
pedestrians! The throng surged across Broadway ---- all except the blonde,
who stayed on the corner.
When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the
cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars
on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.
Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been
joined by a crowd of people.
Tweeeeeeeet! Okay, pedestrians!
The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her
watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.
Finally, after the cop yelled Okay, pedestrians! for the third time, the blonde
shouted across traffic,
Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level and asks,
Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuzzy black wabby or maybe
one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?
She in turn, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet
voice, I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!
At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force
One, and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen
Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central
London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six
magnificent white matching horses.
As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving
to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going
well.
But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous,
earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in
the British Empire, including Bermuda, Portola, and the Falkland Islands.
It shakes the coach.
Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their
best to ignore the whole incident; but then the Queen decides that's
ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please
accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things
that even a Queen cannot control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't
give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something,
I would have thought it was one of the horses."
Two women were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"
A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains.
Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees? asked the doctor.
Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style.
I see," said the doctor. You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?
Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher said: Today we
will learn multi-syllables. Does any one know any? Little Johnny stood up
and said: "masturbate" wow said the teacher that's a mouth full. No miss
Jones, you are thinking of a blow job!
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept
in the hen house out the back of the parish manse.
He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster
was missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the
village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
No, no he said. That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't
belong to them.
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said "That wasn't what I meant either.
Has anybody seen my cock?
All the choir boys stood up.
Scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis
revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. You have to hope this
study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Perhaps you should take
a look at your beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the
theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within one-hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men:
- gained weight
- talked excessively without making sense
- became overly emotional
- couldn't drive
- failed to think rationally
- argued over nothing
- had to sit down to pee
- couldn't perform sexually
- refused to apologize when wrong
NO FURTHER TESTING IS PLANNED
Martha and Emma, two widows, are talking.
Martha, That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date .....I know you went
out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give
him my answer.
Emma, "Well ... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM.
And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful
flowers. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car......
a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner ... a marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see
a show ... let me tell you Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an
ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way
with me two times!
Martha, "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?
Emma, "HEAVENS NO!!" . . . " I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes? The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to
ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The stewardess responded,
Did your mother tell you to ask me? The boy admitted that this was the case.
Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you.
A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on
the door and the trucker lowers the window.
The girl says Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. The trucker stops for
another red light and the girl again catches up.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my
name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
He ignores her again and continues down the street. The trucker stops for
still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my
name is Heather and you are losing some of you load!
He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops.
The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says:
Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,
right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they
stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off
her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought I'm not getting rid of my panties...
so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and
one says to the other: We have to be on the lookout, it seems that these two were
up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties....
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass
that read, "We will never forget you.
[ Back ]
...................................................................................................................................................
[ Forward ]