Past months Featured Jokes.....August 02
For those who can't understand the Enron case. This is put in the simplest
form so that every one can understand it.
An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from
another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
However, the next day he drove up and said sorry, but I have some bad
News. The mule died.
Well then just give me my money back.
Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
Ok, then. I will just have to unload the mule.
What you gonna do with a dead mule?
I'm going to raffle him off.
You can't raffel off a dead mule!
Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked,
whatever happened with that dead mule?
I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a
piece and made a profit of $898.
Didn't anyone complain?
Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 of the original $1,000.00.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock)
one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent
deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above analysis, my current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar
stool alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody
any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding?
What law firm do you work for?"
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed, looked
O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your
affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character,
he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into
the waiting room to his son who had been waiting.
O'Malley said, "Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good,
and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things
aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few
pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually
approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the
two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad.
He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple
more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and
whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were
dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying
from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother
after I'm gone."
A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure
out of the outhouse onto the hay crop to fertilize it.
The kid says, Hey, Pop I learned in college that there is an easier way to do everything.
They go into town and get some dynamite. They're gonna rig it up under the outhouse and
blow the manure into the hay field.
They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse.
Ba-Booom! The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop! She lands in the hay field.
They go running up to her. "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you alright?"
She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Phew! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that one go in the kitchen!"
So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says Under God.
I guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on the Bible,
and at the end of your oath repeated...So Help Me God... makes YOUR
JOB unconstitutional also.
Therefore my contention is you have no job...
Which means your ruling
doesn't mean JACK SHIT.
A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a
very large dead beast.
Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"
The pigmy answered, "Yes."
The hunter then asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
Said the pigmy, "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."
There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders,
so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor
is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees
a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
What condition does he have? the student asks.
He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't
obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they
turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles,
receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
What about him? the student asks. What's his story?
Oh, it's the same condition, the doctor replies. He just has a better health plan.
A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning.
The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand.
“Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you
didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good,
that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."
The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"
An Alexander County, Missouri Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about
2 miles north of the Missouri-Arkansas state line.
When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered
that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to
do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad
car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit
them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then
went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car,opened
the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Might as well take me on to jail, theres no way in
hell I can pass that test."
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he
goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat? he says.
That's cool. says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies
politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in
movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, Why don't you kids go out and screw?
I hear all of the kids are doing it.
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, ''Whaaaat?''
Yeah, says Peggy Sue's father, Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll
screw all night if we let her!
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has
revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes
downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces
that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts
his date out the front door while Dad is saying, ''Have a good evening,
kids!''
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
''Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!''
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