Past months Featured Jokes.....September 02


MALE RULES


We always hear "The Rules" from the female side.

Now here are ..."The Rules" from the male side.


Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about
you leaving it down.

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just
say what you want!

We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Check your oil! Please.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to
your girlfriends.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care
about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.



An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck were doing construction work on
a scaffold on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said; "Corned beef and cabbage".

If I get Corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump
off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and said, "Burritos again?? If I get Burritos
one more time I'm going to jump too."

The Redneck opened his lunch and said; Bologna again. If I get a Bologna sandwich
one more time I'm jumping too.

Next Day: The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees Corned beef and cabbage and jumps
to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and jumps too.

The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the Bologna and jumps to his death also.

At The Funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says; If I'd have known
how really tired he was of Corned beef and cabbage I never would have given
it to him again."

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says; "I could have given him Tacos or
Enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much.

Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife, and she said,

Hey, don't look at me.....that dumb-ass makes his own lunch!



My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian.

He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and
the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she
should go to the store and get,some 'Nair",hair remover and rub in it's
ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use
this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says well then "If you're using it on your legs don't shave
for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you
must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says well then "Stay off your bicycle for a week."



Security

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private
investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. That was the beginning of the
Secret Service.

Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of
multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc., etc., etc.

Now comes the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black
outfits with their initials in large white letters across the back of their
Utilities "F.A.T.A.S.S."

Shucks, I feel safer already.



A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on
a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going
tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw
anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you
work for?"



A guy walks into a bar and, and notices that behind the bartender there
is a big gigantic jar full of 20-dollar bills.

So the guy asks: Hey bartender what’s all the money for?

Bartender: Well mister, we have a little contest going on.

Guy: Oh yea, what is it?

Bartender: Well, for 20 dollars, u have to go down to the end of the bar and
knock that big fellow there out in one punch.

The guy takes a look down at the end of the bar and sees a big, muscular looking guy.

Guy: Well, I think I could take him.

Bartender: Hold on there partner, there's more. You see that door over there behind you?

Guy: Yea I see it.

Bartender: Well I got a pit-bull in there with a rotten tooth and u got to yank it out.

The guy thinks for a little while and replies You know what I'm not of afraid of any
dog I could do that.

Bartender: Wait a second there partner; there is one more task.

Guy: Then hurry up and tell me!

Bartender: Why do you see that door to the right of the pit-bull?

Guy: Yea

Bartender: Why I got my 70-year-old grandma in there and you got to make love to her.

Guy: I’M OUTTA THIS BET!

But after a couple of hours of drinking at the bar, the guy gets piss drunk.

He goes over to the bartender and slaps 20 bucks on the table goes to the end
of the bar and WHAM, knocks the big guy out in one punch.

Then the guy slowly walks to the door with the pit-bull...he opens the door
and steps in...all of a sudden its quite and all the bartender can hear is
the growling and barking of an angry dog.

The bartender listens closer and can hear things falling and breaking inside the
room. Then after awhile the bartender hears the dog whimpering in fear and pain.
Then the door opens...

The guy slowly crawls out of the room...his clothes are torn and his leg and arms are
all bloody...the guy slowly gets up and looks at the bartender and says:

Now where's the old bitch with the rotten tooth.



On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room.

After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the
bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.

What are you doing? she asked.

I'm praying for guidance, answered the young man.

I'll take care of that, she replied. You pray for endurance.



A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped tightly
around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, let me explain, said the man.

I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball
into a field of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's
golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

That's when I made my mistake."

What did you do? asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,

Hey, this looks like yours!'



COOL BUMBER STICKERS:!!!!!!

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

The proctologist called, they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Welcome to America...Now speak English



A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
As they walk hand-in-hand, his lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just
about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do
need to take a piss."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests that she go behind a
hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits,
he can hear the sound of tight nylon knickers rolling down voluptuous legs
and imagines what is being exposed.

Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through
a gap in the foliage and touches her leg. He quickly moves his hand up her
thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping
a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex!"

"No," she replies, "I've changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."


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