Past months Featured Jokes.....October 02

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked,
Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?
The mother replied, Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will
help us stay on top of the soft sand.
Two minutes later the young camel asked, Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert,
the mother said.
Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?
They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we
can go without drinking for long periods of time.
So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand
out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.
Yes dear, said the mother.
So why the fuck are we in the Toronto Zoo?

Ever wonder where the word SHIT came from?
Well, here it is....Certain types of manure used to be transported as everything
was years ago by ship.
In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water at sea hit
it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again,
of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could and did
happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came
below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was
happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
"S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit."
In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into
the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Bet you didn't know the history of that word.
Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they
end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her
around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed
with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf
all the way along the floor,cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a
little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive
side. She turns to him...they kiss... and then they rip each other's
clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are
lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Subject: ROE vs, WADE
A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew
what the Roe vs. Wade decision was.
She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question
and finally sighed and said,
I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing
the Delaware.

One day a man and woman were making love.
All of a sudden a bee came in the window. As the lady parted her legs
the bee entered her vagina.
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor. The doctor thought
for a moment and said 'Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution if you
would permit'.
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever
method to get the bee out.
The doctor said 'OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over my penis and
insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the
tip I will withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out.
The Husband gave his approval.
The young lady said 'Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it'.
So the doctor, after covering his penis with honey, inserted it. After a few
gentle strokes, the doctor said, 'I don't think the bee has noticed the honey
yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper'.
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting
the lady very hard.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement, She began to moan and groan.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself; he
then put his hands on her breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, became very annoyed and shouted. 'Now wait a minute, what the hell
do you think you're doing."
The doctor, still concentrating, replied 'Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard'!!

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders
a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, All you guys on this side of the bar are
cocksuckers!
A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, Anyone got a problem with that?
The silence lengthens. He then chugs back another beer and growls, And all you guys
on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!
Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, Anyone got a
problem with that?
A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. The
construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, You got a problem, buddy?
Oh no, insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar.

This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important information
in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a
mentor and on a very personal level.
Wisdom... My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a
time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special
trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.
The advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If
he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown
of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said,
Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller.

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment,
that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
You see that thing, woman? he happily exclaimed. What do you think we ought to do with it?
With one eye open, his wife replied, Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might
be a good time to wash it.

The week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds paid a visit to
their doctor.
I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried, said the husband.
My pecker is turning blue.
That's pretty unusual, said the doctor. Let me examine you. The doctor
takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's penis is blue.
The doctor turns to the wife. Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?
Yes, I am, she replied.
And what kind of jelly are you using with it?
Grape.

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