Past month Featured Jokes.....November 02


There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out,
"Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old gentleman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff,
I am calling my wife."

"Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old man answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call her that when we're
out in public."

"Well, what do you call her when you are at home?"

"Lard ass."



While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over)

I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, What's the hurry?

I replied, I'm late for work.

Oh yeah, said the cop, what do you do?

I responded, I'm a rectum stretcher.

The cop said What...A rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?

I said, Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until
I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's
about 6 foot wide.

The cop asked me, What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?

I simply replied, You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge...

The ticket - - $ 95.00

The look on his face - - PRICELESS



A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a
quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front
of the cashier.

He said, You must be single.

The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on
the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections
said, Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?

The drunk said, Cause you're uglier 'n shit.



Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need
of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early,
she decided to go to the party.

Inasmuch as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought
she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when
she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that
had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so
off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation
he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete,
Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker
all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"



The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,

I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

The woman looked puzzled. Why talk to me? she asked.

Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere



One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, on my shaded
porch, drinking beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn in the
hot, scorching afternoon sun.

The neighbor lady from across the street had been watching, and was so
outraged that she came over and screamed at me, I cannot believe you
are having her do all this hard work while you sit up here on your fat,
lazy ass and watch!! You should be hung!

I calmly replied, I am, and that's why she's cutting the grass!



The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.

With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory; boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big!- it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............

DON'T YA' JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?



Looking for the rake, while doing yard work after the storm this weekend,
and my wife was about to take a shower.

I realized that I couldn't find the rake, so I yelled up to my wife, where
is the rake?

She couldn't hear me, and shouted back, "what"?

I pointed to my eye, then to my knee, and made a raking motion.

My wife wasn't sure and said, What again, so I repeated the gestures.

EYE KNEE-THE RAKE My wife replied that she understood and signaled back.

She first points to her eye, next to her left breast, then to her butt,
and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way I could even come close to that one.

Wxasperated, I went in the house to the bathroom, and asked her, what was that?

She replies, EYE LEFT TIT BEHIND THE BUSH!



Jacob (age 92) and Rebecca (age 85) are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way, they go past a drugstore and
Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob: Are you the owner?

Pharmacist: Yes.

Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?

Pharmacist: Of course we do.

Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?

Pharmacist: All kinds.

Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism?

Pharmacist: Definitely.

Jacob: How about Viagra?

Pharmacist: Of course.

Jacob: Medicine for memory?

Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.

Jacob: How about vitamins &sleeping pills?

Pharmacist: Absolutely.

Jacob turns to Rebecca and says, 'Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them!'



A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's
bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, I need a man, I need a man!

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her
bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed,
started stroking himself, and moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!"



This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.

Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing! "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ."

The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the doctor "Any asshole can sing country music!"



An escaped convict, imprisoned for first-degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up the husband and his wife who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the husband to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his wife, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong, remember I Love You."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, his half-naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years but he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I Love You too!"



QUESTION:
What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?

ANSWER:
Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose



Good Advice

1. Never test the depth of the water with both feet!!!

2. If you think nobody cares if you're alive....Just try missinga couple car payments!!

3. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day......Teach him how to fish
....and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day!!

4. There are two theories to arguing with women....Neither one works!!

5. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it!!

6. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield!!

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket!!

8. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything!!

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!!

10. If you lend somebody $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it!!


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