Past months Featured Jokes... December 02

Bubba was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Billie Bob, walked over
and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," Bubba replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have
a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Billie Bob said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," Bubba answered. "But not everybody gets theirs' pregnant."

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former President
Clinton appeared on the television.
After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled: Now, there's
the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen.
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and
decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary
Clinton appeared on the television. She's a horse's ass too.
This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked
over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
Damn it! the man said, climbing back up to the bar. This must be Clinton
country!
Nope, the bartender replied. Horse country!

Two boys were walking through their dad's field when they saw a lady passing by.
The older boy said to the other, Hey, go over and talk to her.
The youngest one said, You go talk to her.
So the oldest one went over and talked to her. She asked him if he wanted to
have sex.
Yes, he said.
Then she asked if there was anywhere they could go, and he said, We can go
to the loft in my daddy's barn.
So they went. She gave him a condom and showed him how to put it on. Then
she told him not to take it off, or she'd get pregnant.
So they had sex and left.
A few days later, the boys were walking through the field and saw the lady again.
The older boy looked at the younger and said, I don't care if she does get pregnant.
I'VE GOT TO PISS...

Dear Abby:
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated
our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and
supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue.
He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time
he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs
me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows
he is a cheat. Just because I am a lesbian he chooses to ignore me at home.
I don't know what to do.
Signed,
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't
need him anymore.

Goldie, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a Florida beach
near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had
walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
Hello, sir, how are you?
Fine, thank you, he responded, and turned back to his book.
I love the beach. Do you come here often? she asked.
First time since my wife passed away last year, he replied.
Do you live around here? she asked.
Yes, he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted. Do you like pussy cats?
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers
tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride
of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and
asked the man, How did you know that was what I wanted?
Man replied, How did you know my name was Katz?

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making
several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest
episode was just that, so he stayed put.
Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The
drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an
attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets
in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked,
What the hell is going on?
The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, I think I just
beat the shit out of a ghost.

Two friends are playing golf together. One of them has landed on a dirt
track, covered in gravel and sunken stones. The owner of the ball asked
his friend: Do you mind if I have a drop, I can't play from here, it's
too rough.
No, I'm sorry, but you play from where you lie!
But I'm going to destroy my club, it's all rocks and gravel, he said.
Tough, but no favors, you play from where you lie.
The poor guy stops arguing and takes his first trial swing and of course,
gravel and sparks fly everywhere. Second swing, same again. Finally he
feels ready, moves to the ball and hits ... gravel and sparks everywhere,
but the ball flies off beautifully, lands on the green and stops inches
from the cup.
My God, what a shot!... which club did you use?
Your five iron.

Morris had just had coronary artery bypass surgery a month ago and now is at
the doctor's office for his final follow up visit. Of course Morris wants to
know when he can start having sex again.
The doctor explains to Morris that he would be able to resume his sex life
as soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded.
Morris listens attentively and then says, "What if I look for the women who
live on the ground floor?"

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure
if sex is work or play.
So he goes to a priest and ask for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, My son, after an exhaustive
search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays
The man thinks: What does a priest know about sex?
So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in
this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.
Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of
years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states,
My son, sex is definitely play.
The man replies, Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me
sex is work?
The Rabbi softly speaks,
My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer
to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old
girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How
do you do it at your age?"
He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are
amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite man."
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."

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