Past months Featured Jokes...January 03

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and
more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship,
and finally decided to purchase some 'crotchless' underwear she had seen
in a novelty shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual,
watching television, she showered, freshened up, and donned her new crotchless
undies over which she wore a slinky negligee!
She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed
one leg up on his chair arm.
Want some of this?" she inquired.
Are you kidding?, he replied, Look what it did to your underwear.

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise
it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation,someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.
Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...
Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00...
Great, says Sam, after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.
As Lars is leaving, he stops. Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'.
Not a problem, says Sam. After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em.
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.
Sam says, Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again.
Once again Lars turns from the door. More'n likely be some wild sex, too.
Now that's really not a problem, says Sam, warming to the idea. I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?
Lars stops in the door again and says, Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.

An older couple were headed to the bed room. The man jumped into bed and the woman went
to the bathroom.
When she came out she was in her robe with nothing on underneath, she was flashing the
ol' fella and saying "SUPER PUSSY....SUPER PUSSY".
The old man reply's, "I'll take the Soup" !!

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, Is it true they're
suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
Yes, Bubba, sure is true. responded the lawyer.
And now someone's suin them fast food restaurants for making em fat
and cloggin their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true
mister lawyer?"
Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?
Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin can I
sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder,
is gay. You're not. He has a date coming over today.
BUT YOU ONLY HAVE ONE ASS:

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to
take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk
about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to
say to the little girl to excuse himself.
Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself
from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me
I have to go powder my nose?" And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox
and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder
your nose?"
"Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because
your lipstick is hanging out."

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two
space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection;
In fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side
of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his
young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two
aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working
here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding
from 9 holes to 18 holes. Using a machete to clear thick brush in an
area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must
have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and
continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers
stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the
other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath over 100 yards long.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned the history of Christmas.
Christmas Day is for Christians and we're Jewish, she asks, will God get
mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card.
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?
Usama Bin Laden, she says.
Why Usama Bin Laden, her father asks in shock.
Well, she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough
love to give Usama a Christmas card, he might start to think that maybe we're not
all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Christmas cards to Usama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone
how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.
I know, Melissa says, and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could
blow the shit out of him.

[ Back ]................................................................................................................................................... [ Forward ]