Past months Featured Jokes...February 03

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man,
he would never go for this carrying on.
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car
broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she
would be late because she had to walk home
On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more
than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she
would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large
orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure
she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, Darling, I have
a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself
and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to
answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was
becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized
the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk
in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for
another ten minutes.
When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few
more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling
contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced
this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the
desk, the receptionist said, Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?
There's something wrong with my dick, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, You shouldn't come into a crowded
office and say things like that.
Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said.
The receptionist replied, You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room
full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something
and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled
smugly and asked, Yes?
There's something wrong with my ear, he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?
I can't piss out of it, the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter

An elderly lady on a cruise ship wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today.
The bartender says Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me.
As the woman finishes her drink, the lady to her right says, I would like to buy you a drink too.
The elderly matron says, Why, thank you. Bartender, I would like a scotch with two drops of water.
Coming up, says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, I would like to buy you one as well.
The lady says, Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water.
Comin right up. As he puts the drink down in front of her, he says, Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?
The 80 year-old replies, Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor.
WATER, however, is a whole other issue.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, I've lost my dad!
The cop asked, What's he like?
The little boy replied, Beer and big titted women.

A cowboy at a bar in Gallup, NM orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the
bar and orders three more.
The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste
better if you bought one at a time.
The cowboy replies, I have two brothers. One is in Flagstaff, the other in Farmington.
I'm in Gallup. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.
The bartender tells him it is a nice custom. The cowboy becomes a regular, and always
orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, We don't want
to intrude on your grief, but we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss.
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. Oh, no,
everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist
Church and I had to quit drinking....... Hasn't affected my brothers though.

This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy
to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try.
She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a measure of
Bailey's. The other full of lime juice. She says, "Ok, what you have to do is
swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when
she's enthusiastic. First he takes a swig of the Bailey's. Smooth. Creamy. A
warm feeling in his mouth.
Then he chugs the lime juice. After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's
curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime
juice. Three seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess.
As he makes a face, she whispers sweetly in his ear, "It's called 'Blowjob Revenge'."

A female police officer pulled over a man for DUI; and said,
You are under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held against you.
The drunk appeared to be thinking for a moment. He then slowly announced,
Tits.

A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks,
What are you going to use on this hole son?
The young man says, An eight iron, father. How about you?
The priest says, I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray,
we keep our head down.

This guy approaches the Madam of a local whorehouse. He says, Madam, I'm
ready to spend top dollar here, but I have some very specific requirements.
Do you think you can meet them?
To which the Madam replies, Sir, you have come to the finest brothel in the
area. Our Ladies are extremely skilled in pleasing a man in every way! Simply
name your pleasure.
Great! He says. Now here's what I want. I want a woman that doesn't moan, or
groan, or thrash around or even move at all. In fact, I want her to simply lie
there like a cold, hard piece of wood.
Well! She says, I must say that is a very unusual request, but I simply don't
understand. We have the finest, most desirable and exciting women in the world
here. Why would you make such a request?
To which he replies, Well, I'm a traveling salesman that's been on the road for
awhile, but I'm not really horny, I'm just homesick!

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
that he is going to get married.
He says, Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try
and guess which one I'm going to marry. The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry.
She immediately replies, The one on the right.
That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?
The Jewish mother replies I don't like her.

Future historians will be able to study at
the Jimmy Carter Library,
the Gerald Ford Library,
the Ronald Reagan Library, and
the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go to Italy to have the child.
If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it
discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti on the back.
He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
Honey, she said, you received a very strange post card today. Oh, just give it to
me and I'll explain it later, he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, Hello master, I will grant you one wish......anything you want.
The Russian begins thinking, Well, I really like drinking vodka. He thinks and thinks, and finally the
Russian says,
I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the
cupboard and pisses in it.
He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid.
Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard
and pisses into it.
He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out
of the cupboard.
He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and
the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, Natasha grab one
glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss
in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, But Boris, why do we need only one glass?
Boris raises the glass and says, Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.

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