Past months Featured Jokes...March 03

A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
......................"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000
..........AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an
inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all
across the country would be marching on this business... And that the
National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.
But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the
proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society who holds
Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is
just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled
and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back
his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery,
since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for
medium, and $14,000 for large.
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor
urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options..
The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected.
Well, what have the two of you decided?, asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the
woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester,
Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again.
Lester asks Billy Bob, So, what you gonna do this year that's different?
Billy Bob says, This year I'm taking Marie with me.

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift.
He says Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed
for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last
is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years.
The old lady says Well tell me about them.
The doctor says, For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for.
She responds, Forget that one, what about the next one.
He explains, For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to
detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years.
The lady says, No, that's no good either, what about the last one.
The doctor replies, For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a
feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery.
There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice
your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw.
The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back
to the office very upset. Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible.
Look at these bags under my eyes!
The doctor leans back in his chair and says, Lady you aren't getting anything back.
Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw,
you're going to have a mustache.

Definitions By Gender...
THINGY:
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE:
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION:
Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT:
Female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run,
or goal...Also good for mooning
ENTERTAINMENT:
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with sports or sex

A father spoke to his son, It's time we had a little talk, my son.
Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before.
Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat.
You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else.
He added, But don't worry, it's perfectly normal...it's called golf.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!
The man said, You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.
The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in
his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife.
The agent said, You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, This gun is loaded with blanks.
I had to beat him to death with the chair.
Moral: Women are MEAN. Don't mess with them

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's
mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll
remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. The crowd
murmured their approval..
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a
beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up.
I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.
On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this
is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor
suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is
a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the
doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly
gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington,
slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so
they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama in the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal
government to provide for the common defense!" He takes a sledge hammer and
WHAM! nails Osama's knees.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James
Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.
As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back
toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot nation, he screams, "This
is not what I was promised!!"
An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you.
What the heck did you think I said???"

[ Back ]................................................................................................................................................... [ Forward ]