Past months Featured Jokes...April 03

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway.

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let Me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.
When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs.Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub owner looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
The owner nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, Is it still
a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responds, Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.
The priest then asks, Have you ever eaten pork?
To which the rabbi replies, Yes, on one occasion I did succumb
to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, Father,
is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?
The priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.
The rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?
The priest replied, Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and
then he said, Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no "strings attached" sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from her shower, a woman stood in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetched a piece of toilet paper, and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asked.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replied.
She stopped. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow over the years?"
"Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
He is reported to have survived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..

French Truisms
The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq.
Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France." -Jay Leno
"France said this week they need more evidence to convince them Saddam is a threat. Yeah, last time France asked for more evidence it came rolling thru Paris with a German Flag on it." -Dave Letterman
Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.
War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The Army
Q. Why are all the highways in France lined with trees?
A. So the Germans can march in the shade!!!
Q. How do you stop a french Tank?
A. Shoot the guy pushing.
Q. How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris.
A. We don't know, it's never been tried.

Birth Control
Three women were talking together, and the subject of birth control came up.
The first women said, "Because of my religion, I can't use birth control."
The second women said, "My husband and I use the rhythm method."
The third women said, "My husband and I use the bucket-and-saucer method."
She was asked how it worked. She said, "I'm 5'11" and my husband is 5'2". When we have sex, he stands on the bucket. When his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

Ever wonder about people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here is a little math that might prove
helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
Attitude will get you there, and Bullshit will take you over the top.
But look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under
a tree when one turns to the other and says,
"Slim, I'm 93 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants

An older couple were headed to the bed room. The old man jumped into bed
and the old woman went to the bathroom.
When she came out she was in her robe with nothing on underneath, she was
flashing the ol' fella and saying "SUPER PUSSY....SUPER PUSSY".
The old man reply's, "I'll take the Soup" !!

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen
many books on the subject, and finally, after
getting all the necessary "tools" together,
she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she
started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly out of the sky a voice boomed.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos, and
began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from heavens, the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried,moved way down to
the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool,
and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, Is that you,Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

Senator John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery was told it would be six weeks
before he could be sexually active.
Joe Liberman called to wish Kerry well.
Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.
Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry.

Suppose that every day 10 men go to a restaurant for dinner.
The bill for all ten comes to $100. If it was paid the way we
pay our taxes, the first four men would pay nothing; the fifth
would pay $1; the sixth would pay $3; the seventh $7; the eighth
$12; the ninth $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
The 10 men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite
happy with the arrangement until the owner threw them a curve. Since
you are all such good customers," he said, I'm going to reduce the
cost of your daily meal by $20. Now dinner for the 10 only costs $80.
The first four are unaffected. They still eat for free. Can you figure out
how to divvy up the $20 savings among the remaining six so that everyone
gets his fair share? The men realize that $20 divided by 6 is $3.33 but if
they subtract that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth
man would end up being paid to eat their meal.
The restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill
by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should
pay. And so now the fifth man paid nothing, the sixth pitched in $2, the seventh
paid $5, the eighth paid $9, the ninth paid $12, leaving the tenth man with a bill
of $52 instead of $59.
Outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. I only got a dollar
out of the $20, complained the sixth man, pointing to the tenth, and he got $7!
Yeah, that's right, exclaimed the fifth man. I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair
that he got seven times more than me! That's true shouted the seventh man. Why should
he get $7 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all.
The system exploits the poor." The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The
next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But
when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important.
They were $ 52 short!
And that, boys, girls and college professors, is how America's tax system works. The
people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them
too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table
any more. There are lots of good restaurants in Switzerland and the Caribbean!

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