This months Featured Jokes...May 03

Just one question.....
If Saddam loses a leg but survives, how pissed will his body doubles be?

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing: It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following events is put into motion.
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking ice tea.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?
Hold on a minute, Socrates replied. Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.
Triple filter?
That's right, Socrates continued. Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?
No, the man said, actually I just heard about it and...
All right, said Socrates. So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?
No, on the contrary...
So, Socrates continued, you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?
No, not really.
Well, concluded Socrates, if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?
This explains why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out his best friend was banging his wife.

In West Virginia, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: “ Talking Dog For Sale “.
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt sitting there.
You talk , he asks.
Yep , the mutt replies.
So what’s your story ?
The mutt looks up and says, Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running .
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some under cover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of metals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired .
The guy is amazed ! He goes back in and ask the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, Ten dollars .
The guy says, This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap ?
The owner replies, He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that shit.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered,"
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded,"
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.
Oh, the Catholic girl says. That's the holiday when you light the eight candles, right?
No, the Jewish girl replies. That's Hanukah.
Oh, right, the Catholic girl says. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?
No, the Jewish girl replies. That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar.
See, the Catholic Girl says. That's what I like about you Jews... you're so good to the hired help.

I was traveling between Phoenix and Ajo the other day south of Gila Bend when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it was also flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.
He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Democrat or Republican,?" asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied. "
Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!", I shouted.
"Hop in!", replied the blonde. Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?", she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and, already, I want to screw somebody."

Ole and Sven are neighbors in Southern Manitoba. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Minnesota.
He drives over to Minnesota, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow breaks wind.
Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home.
He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens."
Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought this cow in Minnesota, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right, how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."

A blonde bought a new Lexus, and returned the next day, complaining that the radio didn't work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
She drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of theirs.
One day, another driver ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid him.
"ASSHOLE!" she yelled..... The French National Anthem began to play.

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Helloooo, we're down here..."

Nina meets Rosey as she is coming out of the butcher store.
Rosey is in a huff. "Hey Rosey, what's the matter?"
"That butcher is something else. I told him I want something
that is lean, red, tender, and it shouldn't cost more than $1.00
a pound."
"So what did he give you?"
"Cherry Jell-O."

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