Clever Banter
a game for two or more players....



JASON: Heredity, my friends. Heredity. (on Lex falling asleep between courses)
MICHELE: Eating can be hard work, you know....
JASON: As someone who has a post-supper tendency to do the “full Thomas” on the sofa (the falling asleep one; not any other “Full Thomas”, thank goodness), I get you.

MICHELE: Why do I live in Saskatchewan again?
JOELLE: Drag-Queen bingo and Timbits.  Oh, and Mitchell.

JASON: They’re calling for a Severe Thunderstorm and/or Tornado watch this afternoon/evening.  Woohoo?
MICHELE: Good times!
JASON: I think I’d be happier if they hadn’t said “Oklahoma-level” and used the phrase “worst in North America, or possibly the world” (even if I’m hearing it in Clarkson’s voice, it’s just not comforting. Possibly less comforting, actually, given that Clarkson is prone to…Interesting Times:  
“The worst tornadoes…in the *world*”
“I don’t want to be tornadoed!” – R. Hammond, probably.
“Interesting fact about tornadoes…” J. May, esq., almost certainly)
MICHELE: Unless it was this week, in which case it would look like this:
“The worst tornadoes…in the *world*”
“I don’t want to be tornadoed!” – R. Hammond, probably.
“Interesting fact about tornadoes…” J. May, esq., almost certainly
"I chased tornadoes in California while learning to skydive and rescuing puppies and making Star Trek,"--Benedict Cumberbatch
"I just made a tornado in my pants."--Cumberbitches everywhere
WHITNEY: Tornado in my pants made me laugh out loud at my desk, and got me several weird looks from my co-workers. 

MICHELE: I'm torn between breaking Sherlock's toes and giving him frostbite. What do you think?
JOELLE: Oh, Michele--see, this is why you shoudn't be left alone with a couple of helpless characters. Well, of course I'm going to pick the road less painful, but in this case, I'm not sure there's much of a choice. Perhaps the frostbite involves some gentle rubbing and warming up from a patient, loving ex-army doctor? Then again, the broken toes might involve the tender mercies of a skillful, loving ex-army doctor? Decisions, decisions. . .

MICHELE: Brunch at Dynasty this week for a heapin' helpin' of carbalicious goodness!
MIKE: Thanks, but I'm out for this week. Going to finally see if I can murder my tree.
MICHELE: Good luck--don't get caught!
MIKE: Thanks. If anyone asks, my friend Merv and I did come for brunch. #Alibi.

MICHELE: There should be a warning on that Baby!Batch pic--please note, your co-workers will look at you funny when you make a weird cut off squealy noise--prepare to be embarrassed and turned on at the same time....
JOELLE: The sad thing is most of those babybatch pics are from when he was in his mid-20's.  Hardly 'baby'-ish, and yet that face. . . so filled with vulnerable innocence that you just want to despoil--(pardon me--I'm letting my lecherous cougar-fangirl out for a moment.).
 

XXX


JOELLE:
I saw the one that you had posted to your tumblr this morning and barely stopped myself from swooning, which would have been quite unprofessional.  Some other tumblr site had links for the other videos but I didn't have a chance to watch them.  
Thank you so much for feeding my cumberaddiction!
MICHELE: Doesn't he know that his voicebox is a deadly weapon?
JOELLE: Oh, he knows it, the smug bastard.  Makes you glad that Crowley hasn't recruited him yet. . .he'd be able to talk you out of your soul in 5 seconds flat.
MICHELE: It wouldn't even take five seconds: "BEN: I--MICHELE: YES, YES, WHATEVER IT IS YES!" It would be a short ceremony, but very moving...
JOELLE: I don't know--maybe I'd hold out for as long as possible.  Keep him talking for a while.  Maybe he'd throw in a little begging, perhaps a "please" or two, give him a chance to lisp a couple of times. . .
Oh, who am I kidding?

MICHELE: I work til 5:30 and should be home by 6 or so, depending on how many frozen fjords I have to scale to get there
MITCHELL: Haha what on earth is a fjord?  Hahah  I like fun!!

MICHELE: Don't say that too loudly--next thing you know you'll be running around a deserted college shooting at old cabbies and going out for bad Chinese!
JOELLE: And having a self-proclaimed sociopath deducting minute details about my life and inviting me to be his flatmate. *sigh*  If only.

MICHELE: Either Thane or Jason will be along to give us a lift, and maybe Mitchell, too depending on if there's drunken karaoke at the bar that night or not
JOELLE: Damn, you and your friends lead such glamourous lives.

ANGIE: "Oooh - another chapter of the clone baby fic just got posted."
RICH: (beat) "And I thought the magic cock story sounded weird...."

CHUGAR:
....Can I get an Amen?

CO-WORKER:.....you want only one today....weird...
CHUGAR:....youre fired.....funny....but fired....lol
*few minutes pass*
CHUGAR: Can I get a two-men?
CO-WORKER:.that sounds better.

BRIAN: Dear Rev Shots, I hate you, I am.super sick. Never drinking you again. Love, Brian Mcdonald
TARA: Dear Brian, I'm sorry I made you sick, you must not have realized that you are not 19 anymore. Best regards, Rev shots
BRIAN: Ouch Rev ouch.

MICHELE: You know if Gareth David Lloyd and Ben stood in a room and shouted F**K! at each other, I would burst into flames and die air humping the room
JOELLE: Oh, thanks.  I just got over Ann saying that Ben in "Neverwhere" sounded like chocolate sauce dripping over mint chocolate ice cream, and then you hit me with this.You girls are determined to get me in trouble today, aren't you?
MICHELE:
Ben in Neverwhere--yeah, she's right, except imagine it served in a crushed velvet bowl, lightly sprinkled with spontaneous orgasms, and you're eating it in the passenger seat of a Jaguar going ninety miles an hour.... 
JOELLE: Yeah, you're really not helping here.  Just so you know.

ALICIA: hey. You look like what everyone thinks Jesus looks like.
JESUS-LOOKING-LIFEGUARD: um, thank you?
ALICIA: wanna show me the walk on water bit?
JLL: I'm not Jesus. I'm Chris.
ALICIA: I knew that book had it all wrong! So you gonna do it?
CHRIS: not today. It takes a lot out of me and I have a birthday party I have to lifeguard for in an hour. Plus it freaks people out.
ALICIA *understanding nod*

CHUGAR: dial M for Monkey.
CAMERON M.: Oh crap. I dialed "k" and now there's a god damn kangaroo on its way over. How the fuck much do I tip a kangaroo after sex? Anyone know?

MICHELE:  Wound up writing a Smallville story just so there would be at least one good one out there.
JOELLE: And that's about as modest as she gets.

ANGIE: "Are there hats?"
SUPERVISOR: "Do you need hats?"
ANGIE: "You always need hats for a party."
OTHER GUY:"It's an imaginary party."
ANGIE: "So we get imaginary hats?"
OTHER GUY: "Yes."
ANGIE: 'Brilliant'

JENNY: Odd request. Anyone in Regina have a chainsaw I can borrow tonight? Message me if you do!
CHUGAR:....must be Easter in the Talia household...
RYAN B: Most.frightening.status.ever...
JENNY: It's for a photoshoot. Lol
RENEE: Whoever pissed you off will definitely be sorry in the morning,
SARA: I've got a shovel and a big back yard tho
TRIXIE PAN AM: Are you doing your bikini line?
SARA:  TRIXIE FOR THE WIN!!!!!
IAN: It's the Regina chainsaw massacre.

Alicia gets pulled over
OFFICER: do you know why I pulled you over?
ALICIA: you heard I had a pretty smile and needed to see for yourself?
OFFICER: uh...no...do you know the speed limit through here?
ALICIA: if course! *smile*
OFFICER: license and registration.
*hands it over*
OFFICER: did you grow up around here? Like is this your maiden name?
ALICIA: yes I did grow up around here, and no, that is not my maiden name....it's...
OFFICER: Allie Mac! Oh my gawd!
ALICIA: I see my reputation proceeds me. Haha.
Turns out she was pulled over by the kid she used to let copy off her in grade school...and that connection is enough to avoid a speeding ticket...

MICHELE: I wish I was anywhere but work right now!
JOELLE: Amen to that, sister!  And preferrably in the company of a tall, lean gingerhaired glass of water if you catch my drift, and I think you do.

MICHELE:  I always have Sundays off--I had explained that it's sort of a religious thing....long story short, brunch, church, they kinda sound the same, right?
JOELLE: I definitely want to join YOUR religion, honey!  Sounds a lot more fun than the whole 'fire, brimstone, you're going to hell you sinner' one that I currently belong to. I was going to make a joke about an omelette station being tastier than a communion wafer, but that might just be crossing a line.

ANGIE: "I don't know if I really will be paying attention to the plot, what with being busy sighing at all that pretty."
RICH (Angie's husband): I agree.

MICHELE: More pics! More drinks! Tell me, is Blacked Out!Korinne coming out to play?
KORINNE: I tried to leave her in Saskatoon, but she found her way into my luggage, so I'm sure she will be hitting the town tonight.

JOELLE: Can you see it?  Our gorgeous Cumberlord in Ziggy Stardust glam makeup?
MICHELE:Oh yes please!! That would be brilliant!
JOELLE:I don't see how this is a problem.  He's played every other handsome, sexually ambiguous British genius, right?
MICHELE:Quick, ring him up and tell him we expect to hear he's been cast any time now. Suddenly my head is full of Ben as the "Thin White Duke" David belting out "Let's Dance".
JOELLE:GUH!  Or "Blue Jean".  Or "Ashes to Ashes".  Or "DJ".  Or "Modern Love".  Or "Fashion".  Or. . .or. . .EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!  Oh great--my panties just exploded.

JASON: This afternoon, I was doing corrections to a document someone else typed up, and my favourite error in the whole thing was "exasturbated". The word was *supposed* to be "exacerbated", but I think we've stumbled onto a new word, describing a specific, and probably unfortunate, thing.  You're welcome, world.  You. are. welcome.
BEN: To my eyes and ears, it seems to apply to that state of extreme exhaustion (or drunkenness) that overrides most other physical necessities and drives.  The sort where you pass out in the middle of *whatever* you’re doing, and wake up with business still unfinished.
JASON F.: Can you use it in a sentence please?
JESSE: Wow. Just...Wow. That was the icing on the cake of my day, too. I did encounter the typo "cliterous" recently, that was quite nice, but yours is infinitely better. I should share that I myself feel a sense of extreme exasterbation when I am almost there but just...Can't...Quite...Reach the peak of the mountain.
CENOBYTE: "Had valor been the greater part of our encounter that night, I'd have finished with aplomb. But, whiskey and fisticuffs earlier in the evening being what they were, the poor wench had to settle for having been exasturbated. The price was the same, however, and we both quit that stinking hole of an 'inn' satisfied, if not somewhat unsteady on our feet."

JOELLE: if  I had been interviewing Martin and he had said about Peter Jackson, "F**k him and the boat he rode in on", I would have seriously lost my shit for about a day and a half.
MICHELE: I love how the other guys were almost waiting for it--like "we've worked with this git for over a year and a half--any minute now he's gonna drop an F-bomb on her--wait for it....Ha!"
Little Martin, Middle Earth's sweary mascot
JOELLE: From the stories that leaked out during the filming of the trilogy (and the foul mouthed hobbits, whose favourite word had something to do with See You Next Tuesday) I'm pretty sure the cast didn't even blink an eyelash at Martin's sailor-inspired vocabulary.

JOELLE: I was just talking to Ann the other day that it would be nice if Terry McDermott (The Voice) put out some new music, and ta-da!
MICHELE: You psychically willed him to make new music for you! Okay, now think Ben...blanket....Michele's couch....
JOELLE: Ah-hem. . .If I could do that, what makes you think it'd be YOUR couch? 
MICHELE: I can see you waving around your Harry Potter stick and exclaiming "LISTENUP BENEDICTORUS!"while Ben wanders off in a daze to book a plane ticket for Rhode Island and doesn't know why, muttering "Joelle Monday Wednethday Friday, Michelle Tuethdayth and Thurthdayth....."
JOELLE: I noticed you snagged him on his most lisp-y days.

DANIEL DAY KIM: Hey Scott, what's up?
SCOTT CAAN: Nothing, just sitting on a roof, looking at paradise, thinking about jumping
.
MICHELE: How was karaoke?
MITCHELL: It was fun, drunk, fun, drunk in that order. 

MICHELE: What has two thumbs and a lovely autographed Misha Collins postcard?
MITCHELL: Benedict Cumberbatch? Thats my answer to all your questions, figure its a safe bet.

MICHELE:
Maybe it's cos I just came off a multi-chapter rape fic.  And how many people do you know who would say that to you on a Thursday morning?

JOELLE: Not too many. . .that's what makes you a special snowflake.

MICHELE: Life w/out links is unthinkable!
JOELLE: You mean unLINKable! Sorry.  Been watching too much of Hannah's Drunk Kitchen puns.
MICHELE: And I counter with an old Hawking interview that I was delighted with!
JOELLE: Oh, that was lovely.  HE'S lovely.  Professor Hawking is lovely.  The world is lovely!  I think the cold medication is starting to kick in.

MICHELE: Any cravings for supper tomorrow?
MITCHELL: Super powers, with a side of hot men?  A Million dollar pie for dessert?
MICHELE: Super powers with a side of hot men--sounds good.  You have that. I'll have the Benedict pie for dessert.
MITCHELL: Done and done.
MICHELE: I dunno, I hear you're a sloppy eater, and I always go back for seconds. It might not be wise to have supper in the same room....hell the same building *L*

MICHELE: How's the day? Or should I say Ou est le day today, monsieur?
MITCHELL: Think of a series of sequential swear words followed by a multitude of exclamation points and a good hearty growl.  Followed up with a long (exhausted) sigh. 

TYSON:  I really want one of those "Toothtunes" toothbrushes, but it turns out they don't come with the Battle Hymn of the Republic or anything by Little Richard.
RYAN B.: Battle Hymn of the Republic! That's awesome! TAKE THAT PLAQUE! Dun dun dun duun dun dun dun! ...Um...nevermind...just Youtubed it. That's not a Star Wars reference at all! I'm gravely offended.

MICHELE: Oooh, excellent! The Don'tLeaveMe!Sherlock is my favorite action figure!
JOELLE: Do I know my girl, or do I know my girl? 


ETHAN: "Ugh! I'm so sick of this, I'm just gonna go live in Ariel's palace under the sea!"
SAM: "Well at least there you could catch that sexy Mermanderson Cooper on Deep SeaNN!"

DILLON: I love humus! Just hate chick peas! Gross!
JENNY: humus is made out of chick peas..
DILLON: No, it can't be!!!
JENNY: No Dillon.. Go pick your humus off the humus tree..

MICHELE: If Daniel Craig beats up Benedict Cumberbatch on screen, I cannot be held responsible for my actions!
ANN: There would be rioting in the streets.  Seriously, riots.
MICHELE: It could get very messy.
ANN: Hope Daniel Craig has a plastic surgeon lined up because he's going to need a new nose.
MICHELE: I dunno, I might be too busy wrapping Ben in a shock blanket and holding an ice pack to his black eye.
ANN: Yes, I guess as a guest villain he wouldn't be permitted to win.  Even if he turned up in a long black coat and a blue scarf.
MICHELE: As the bad guy, I'm voting for leather pants and a crisp white shirt, with straining buttons, of course. And suddenly I'm seeing him slouched back in a giant chair, stroking Martin Freeman who's curled up in his lap and purring "Now, Mr. Bond...."
ANN: I just snorted hot chocolate all over myself! Thank you for that image.  I can, in fact, just see it.Martin, of course, would be wearing red pants.  Or none.  None would be better.

MICHELE: Sherlock is an Alpaca, John is a Corgi. They meet and solve cases.
JASON: Surely, this kind of thing only comes into existence to fuck with people, yes? Or is there really some huge community of transmogrification buffs out there who demand their characters be seemingly-random animals?  The real question here is, as far as reimaginings go, will this be better or worse than "Elementary"? I'm going to say "worse", but reserve the right to change my mind upon viewing the first two episodes of the TV series.
WHITNEY: I think Sherlock would make a handsome Alpaca.  John as a Corgi, though?  Stretches the bounds of reality a bit, doncha think?

COURTNEY: My nose hurts because Ethan keeps smashing his head into my face.
MIRANDA: Why does he keep doing that?
COURTNEY: Because he is an IDIOT!
MIRANDA:  Courtney! Don't call your 3 yr old brother an idiot!
COURTNEY: Well he is! He's part dad!

MITCHELL: I went for lunch with the gang and finally saw the baby today!  I told them all how awesome it was the Benedict and Padalecki share the same birthday.
MICHELE: I love it that Benedict Cumberbatch was actually a part of your regular conversation in a room that I wasn't in today.
MITCHELL: I hate you; you’ve wrecked my life, that is all.

JENNY: Here is the promo image for the TVs at the bar, for Michele's stuff for online junk
MICHELE: heh heh you said junk....
JENNY: Ok cool. It is just the text that is important, so I didn't want it to be too busy, but had no creative ideas... Besides making the text look like tattoos on extreme close ups of textbook photos of an intersexed person's genitals (and I definitely mean that as a plural in this case). Hehehe i said textbook. Am I playing this game right?
MICHELE: ooh, textbook....If you can fit concupiscence into your next sentence I might have to marry you
JENNY: Well, I'm sure using the word textbook DOES make you look at me differently after all... I'd believe it is with concupiscence.
MICHELE: Stop it, or I may have to pull out my Sherlock dvds and the toys!

MICHELE: I can always write your quote on my boobs with a Sharpie for Pride Week <--I'm a giver that way!
JENNY: You're gonna need bigger tits.

BRIAN: Are you wearing a tummy cincher? 'Cos you're looking kinda skinny!
LEXY: Are you wearing a personality? 'Cos you're being kind of interesting!


RICHARD: I have a new motto--I don't ask questions, I just look for a loonie.

CAESAR: You don't have to look far.

MITCHELL: How did I get sticky? Lick me!
JENNY:...
MICHELE: Go on--he's like one of those toads--you might get high!

RUBY: I'm ready to go to bed. (tired)
MICHELE: Amen! (very tired)
RUBY: Let's cuddle! (never misses a chance)

JASON: Do you think there’s ever been a fight between someone who participates in Roller Derby and a Drag Queen over who gets to use a name?  Because I well imagine that it has to have happened at some point in time, somewhere.  Maybe not with Grande Mocha Frappucino or whatever her name was, but certainly with something like “Scarin’ Osbourne” or “Bella Donna”.
WHITNEY: Well, to be fair, he did title this “random thought”.  It definitely was that… 
JASON:  Random to most, anyway.  I was just asking a co-worker how Roller Derby went on Saturday night, if you must know the jumping-off-point for my mental process…this time.  It’s when I come out with one of those “Pinky and the Brain” seeming-non-sequiters that you have to beware the full explanation…

MICHELE: Commenting on a National Post article The headline should be on the front of a comic book:  "NO ESCAPING HOBO COP!"
JASON: It’s Peter Weller’s next movie, I’m sure.  Given that I’ve not seen him for years, there’s a good chance he’s doing research of the “will act for food” variety right now.

BRIAN:  Mitch come out for a smoke
MITCH:  But my hair
BRANDY:  It's not your best hair
MITCH: I'm going in.

JASON: So, not only is Felicia Day doing an episode of Supernatural this season (airing, apparently, April 27th – the show returns April 20th), but it’s called “The Girl With the Dungeons & Dragons Tattoo”.
MITCHELL: You had me at ‘more action’ fight fight fight and p.s. who’s Felica Day?  Is that the mom from the Cosby Show?

MICHELE: Your bump better not be creepy!
WHITNEY: I’m going to train it to be creepy.  But only around you, and only if the two of you are alone.
MICHELE: Awesome--buy it a clown suit while you're at it, will ya?
WHITNEY: Maybe, or maybe just one of those while dresses that are always wet, as shown in The Ring.

On the plus sized "Twilight" themed prom dress:
WHITNEY: Totally want that dress!  I could wear it EVERY DAY!
MICHELE: I am totally not getting one made with Sherlock and John on it. Not....whispers: hello, is this Fucked-up Fan Dresses R Us? Yeah, listen....
JASON: Wouldn’t Moriarty be on the fire/crazy side?  It could come with a C4 vest accessory, for chilly nights or poolside parties (with a pocket to hold your cellphone, for those times when you absolutely have to take a call, even when you’re in the middle of something really important).

MIKE: Somewhat related, my co-worker got back from vacation and told people that toilet paper was a delicacy in Cuba. Nasty.
JESS: I assume he meant luxury?!
MIKE: I certainly hope so. If not, don't go to Cuba. If it had been a one time slip, it wouldn't have been so bad. But she told the story at least three times with the same phrasing.
ANDREA: She should be mocked merciless! Such abuse of the language!
MICHELE: Mercilessly?
MIKE: Come on. Who hasn't temporarily forgotten a language thingy with semantic content? Dammit. Longer than a morpheme, shorter than a sentence.

MICHELE: Excuse me, I'm off to get eye-fucked by that pic of Ben again.
JOELLE: Just make sure you use protection, young lady.

JASON: Saturday night, one of these is going to break into your house with special treats. (on scary Easter bunnies)
JESS: I like bunnies. In pies and stews. I personally would like to make our own tradition...Like every Easter, Cthulhu comes in the night to leave a tray of lasagne in the fridge.
JASON: I could get behind that.

MICHELE: He's all King of Gayworld when he's safely on campus, but real gay men scare the hell out of him. Also, I think he thinks I'm an android from the future cos he has no idea what a faghag actually is, surrounded by "pan-sexual, gender-fluid, tranny-lesbians" all the time heh.
MITCHELL: Bahahaha  ‘pan-fluid transbiens’    bahahahahahaha   lump em all together!

MICHELE: Jason, Whit, read this in your best Martin DuCrief fake accent; Mitchell, just pretend you're Gambit: "ze menu tonight is a saucy poulet weeth ze pasta, which is also saucy and....poulet--ey?"
MITCHELL: I was sipping coffee and sure did spray it on my desk when I read "and Mitchell just pretend you’re Gambit".

MITCHELL: Tonight’s Glee is being dedicated to Whitney!!!  Awesome!
JASON: Hear that, babe?  They must know you’re finally preggers!  If it’s a true dedication to her, Santana will sing more, Puck will be shirtless, Chang will do all the dancing, and Artie will cry. Unless there’s another Whitney and another reason…

JASON: So...we're watching the Oscars, then?
WHITNEY:
Meh, I dunno.  Don’t you think that Mr. Cumberbatch fellow is overrated?
MICHELE: Are you using autocorrect? Cos I think the word you were looking for there is awesome.
MITCHELL:
bahahaha

MICHELE: Are you guys going to come right from work? Then supper will be fivish.Then maybe some White Collar....
JASON: Not sure.  Whit, do you want/need to go home first?  I might want to just go and make sure there are lights on, etc, but I’m in my street clothes already, so I don’t care.
WHITNEY: I am not in street clothes, and would very much like to get out of this underwire-y torture device before spending a nice relaxing night.
MICHELE: (to Mitchell)Yeah, yeah....Well, that'll give you time to vacuum before they get here
MITCHELL: Get your landlord/neighbor to do it, she likes too.  We’ll watch Sherlock and teach all about how to be a wanna-be-Brit while she does it.
MICHELE: Sherlock? What's that?
MITCHELL: I don’t know, someone asked me who Storm was today and I said a storm is a weather pattern and NOT a person…okay, OKAY too far, I take it all back.  It’s not funny anymore.
 

ANDREA: we are currently going through a migration to Windows 7 and so they’re switching out machines. A lot of people don’t want this to happen more because it sidetracks their ability to get shiz done during the day when it happens. Colette and Dave and I are on the schedule today. Colette’s machine went earlier, then someone just came to pick up my machine ten minutes ago. So I went to Dave’s office and said  “You know that poem from the Holocaust? Well, they came for me, so you’re next.” He said:   “Well, actually they came for me earlier. And I told them to go away.”
and I said:  “Huh… The Holocaust might have ended differently if they had all tried that.“Then they came for me and I said ‘No. Go away.’ And they did.”
MIKE:
Speaking of random poetry, does anyone remember the Kids in the Hall sketch about the Dr Seuss bible?
Christ spoke from a mound
which is a pile of ground
while people gathered round
without making a sound
Sorry. Complete non-sequiter. Go about your business.

JASON: Let me know how your days are going – I have to assume they’re going well, as the people I deal with must be using the world’s supply of Stupid.  If this turns out to not be the case, it could mean the world has a near-infinite supply of stupidity from which to draw, and we may well have to start looking at building our own TARDIS.
MIKE: It's near infinite. Sorry. Thought you knew.
JASON: I'd suspected, but I dared to dream. If only we could use it as a fuel source. I mean, we could use stupid people as a fuel source, but then bad, historic parallels would be drawn, and suddenly *I'm* the bad guy. And considering how little it takes for people to already draw such a ridiculously hyperbolic parallel already, God only knows what they'd call me. I don't think my fragile ego could take it.
MIKE: I'm sure using stupid people as a fuel source would have some dire and unpredictable consequences. "This fire is cold. What the hell? Can't they do anything right?"

MICHELE: I bet in the wake of this crazy Sherlock-Hobbit-Trek blitz, Ben has probably gotten all weird about his appearance and so he just let the stylist do their thing this time.
JOELLE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  Ben, sweetie, don't change a blooming thing!  You're perfect with your wild, messy ginger curls and your skewed ties and your velvet suits and odd sparkly footwear choices and just. . .NO!  Don't let 'the Hollywood machine' suck you in.  Stay the way you are!  Please!

MICHELE: I still can't imagine sitting through War Horse (so not my thing) but I'll see his bits eventually.
JOELLE: Ohhhhh, if only I could see his bits.

MICHELE: I can hear Douglas now!  "So Doctor Franklin--Franklin...offers Sherlock--Sherlock...his cell number?"
JASON: Now I’m kind of surprised that the plane in “Scandal” wasn’t just Mycroft hiring MJN air for the gig.  “Wait a minute! You were going to BLOW US UP?” “…for England, yes.”

MICHELE: Day five of six at work and I'm playing Anywhere But Here...if you're not familiar with the game, I'll tell you that right now, my answer is: in a Claimjumpers restaurant with Ben sharing an I Declair
JOELLE: Oh, god. . .sign me up for a Red Velvet Motherlode!  I think I gained 2 pounds just reading the description!  And it sounds like I'd have enough to share it with both Ben AND Mark.

JASON: My e-mail just told me that Lady Miss Kier, the vocalist for Deee-Lite, is now following me on Twitter. While I might be the only one who cares, especially given that it’s 2011, I’m going to confess to a certain light-headed giddiness. Of course, given that I almost turned into a babbling idiot while helping Robert Munsch at the Guelph Rogers Video, and the bit where I almost fainted trying to talk to a comic artist none of you have likely ever heard of, this might not surprise you.“Groove is in the Heart”?  It’s still my jam, as the kids might say.Sometimes, it’s the little things
MITCHELL: I am in no position to judge fluttering about over celebrity.
MICHELE: No judging from over here at 221B!

ALICIA: I walked the 7km home from work, and have developed a blister on the balls of both feet from my snowboots.
SHAUN:"haha! you are just like Charlie Chaplin when you walk now! All you need is a swinging cane" *mimics her heel walk, laughing*
ALICIA: "I am NOT just like Charlie Chaplin. He was silent. I say go Eff yourself."

MIRANDA: "Courtney! Look what Mitchell posted!"
COURTNEY: "WHAT? Did he spill coffee?

MITCHELL: Dear Mr 6'4, incredibly gorgeous, brown curly haired, athletic, long-lashed doe-eyed man that I have now seen in Safeway 3 TIMES!!! I am not sure if you realize this or not, but when I see you, I cannot talk. Now, for those who know me that is quite the feet. In my lifetime, I can count four times, where I was completely mesmorized like this. A guy I used to see at 7-11, that I called the brow...n curly haired guy (go figure), an old friend, Peter, and my ex boyfriend Craig. Now, I swore off men this year as a resolution, but I think I need to know you. Sincerely the guy who is probably awkwardly staring at baking soda in your presence, for fear of looking like an idiot or saying something stupid.
NIC: If you couldn't speak, maybe we would have dated longer.


JASON: Harrumph.  Again. I suppose you'll be telling me that Phrenology is a "quack science".  Bah.
MIKE: Poppycock. I would have said it was hokum, not quack science.

MICHELE:
Oh, I do love a good Mary Sue....NOT! It's fine when you're twelve, or yes, if you're Batman, but if you are still writing that crap at 30, stay away from my porn!
JASON: But didn’t you know that the only characters in all of literature who can best Sherlock Holmes are James Moriarty, Irene Adler, perhaps the Doctor, a well-rested Batman, and that lesser-known Canadian character, um, John Alphaman? When he’s not busy showing everyone he’s ever met how wrong they were about him, he’s winning all the awards! Curing cancer from the mobile laboratory in his tour bus (you can’t expect him to deprive his fans of the Biggest Rock Star in the history of EVER, you know), he solves mysteries and fights crime while playing to sold-out arenas! He charitably makes out with all the supermodels and lead female characters! He presented Mulder with the proof he needed to take down the conspiracy! He helped Storm overcome her claustrophobia! He drank wine with the characters from Cougartown and he even taught Batman that it’s alright to cry, sometimes.  Especially if people didn’t understand his genius. Of course, John Alphaman would never want to “best” Sherlock.  Don’t be silly.  They’re best friends.  John Alphaman is only there to help Sherlock when he’s stumped, and maybe to eat pizza and play video games with afterward.  When he’s not un-extincting Unicorns as a birthday present for his girlfriend Veronica Mars, that is.
MICHELE: Oh, so you've met Benedict Cumberbatch, then....
JASON: Pfft. If I did, do you think I’d tell you?  I’d fear for my bloody safety, I would. I’m trying to figure out if Benedict Cumberbatch is a great Mary Sue alias, or a terrible one.
MICHELE: Benedict Cumberbatch is a perfect Mary Sue alias--unique,posh, but would definitely not be recognized as a Mary Sue. It's only when you get to the part where his eyes are either "changeable", azure or "the colour of a summer storm" that you'd know it's Mary Sue Time!
JASON:Hrm.  There is much to learn.  John Alphaman’s eyes are up for debate.  I mean, obviously, they’re piercing and behind them lurks a canny, tiger-like intensity and a soul so beautiful that, had Da Vinci himself made eye contact, he’d kill himself for seeing the sheer, unrelatable glory.  Also, some simile involving a wolf, lasers, the Best Ice Cream You Ever Had, and The Infinite. But nothing about color.Of course, he’s also “more handsome than can be expressed through the hyperbole of a thousand supportive mothers”, so he’s not working without a net, here.He also won the Nobel Prize for Sex.  Like, five years running.

MICHELE:
What I can tell you is that I suddenly had a vision of Benedict being handcuffed by a couple of London's finest outside the National as one tells him "Mr. Cumberbatch, you are under arrest for aural assault with intent to arouse. You have the right to remain silent, but that will piss off all the Cumberbitches and get you fired from the Hobbit. If you give up that right anything you say can and will be used by your fans to rub up against you. You have the right to an attorney. Or a doctor--an army doctor. Or a host of fangirls who will stroke you provocatively while debating the dark hair vs the ginger. If you cannot afford an attorney because you maxed out your credit card on new clothes, there'll be a bitchfight of epic proportions to see who gets to be appointed to you. Do you mind if I rip off your shirt--uh, I mean, do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you?"
WENDY: *Gasping* *GASPING* I just read this aloud to my husband but it took me about eleventy tries because I was laughing so hard. Oh dear sweet hobbits and handbags that was fucking brilliant. You are amazing. Just...*Gasping* Yes. That. That thing you did. It was good.

JASON:
If the Doctor would just stop being so selfish and tell us what his name is already, we’d have this “name the kid” thing sorted out, but NOOOOOO.  So, as it stands, the kid’s name is going to be “the Doctor”.  This will set up a weird, dueling pair of unspoken expectations. Until they're in Grade Eleven. Then they get the spoken expectations: M.D. or Time Lord.  Given that I’ll have dressed them as a different doctor for every year of their school pictures up to that point, the subliminal message should do its job…
WHITNEY: Superdork.
MICHELE: 
I think "The Doctor" is a perfectly viable name choice. I mean, it's no Stormaggedon, or Walter, or Benedict (rock star, class president, beat up every day, in that order) but still....
Superdork, on the other hand, should probably just be a pet name....

MICHELE:
How is this my life that I am explaining how to order Pirates of the Carribean part 4 or whatever it is to a dude in Carrot River and not sipping espresso with Cumberbatch somewhere near Bath?
MITCHELL: The same reason that I am neither high in the sky making a tornado in downtown Regina, nor walking down the aisle as Tom Welling nervously awaits my hand in marriage.  Such are our crosses to bear.

MICHELE: Some days I love my show and can forgive all its many MANY faults *L* Other days I just want Joe and Lori to both die....maybe be shot....by each other......while on fire...
JASON:
Joe rules H50. He saved Steve at the cost of his own career, and he’s totally badass. PrettyLori is Pretty.  Admittedly useless in the field (unless distracting a murderous, Columbian mercenary so she’ll stay still for Steve McGarrett’s Target Practice counts as wholly useful).

MICHELE: I'm not the least bit bitter that the BFI is screening the new Sherlock tonight in London...with a Q&A afterwords. Nope, not bitter at all....
WHITNEY:
I… totally believe you…?
MICHELE: No, really! I would much rather look at stills from the 3 episodes that aired over a year ago instead of going to a screening of the all new episode IN LONDON and then talk to the writers and possibly the actors as well afterwards....look how I radiate contentment!
WHITNEY: You’re radiating something all right.  Contentment?  Ummmm… no.

MICHELE: I can't decide what I need more Ben on my couch eating ice cream, or Steve and Danny on my couch snogging their brains out...
WHITNEY:Well, I know which one would be more fun for me to watch.  Wait.  No, I don’t! One – Ben melting Michele’s brain or Two – Steve and Danny melting each others’ brains (and mine, while they’re at it!) CAN NOT DECIDE!!!

MITCHELL: I worry about Mich’s health come January… Between Sherlock, White Collar, Top Gear and who knows what else, her heart not make it.
JASON: All it means is, when it gets really cold outside (damn it), we’ll not be bored. Knowing that there’ll be a Third Series of Sherlock should mean (dare I say) that her Heart Will Go On.  (Cue Celine Dion double-tap to the chest/dramatic arm extension).
MICHELE: I'm not sure how I feel about you putting Sherlock and Celine Dion in the same sentence--sort of halfway between "well, I do love Sherlock with the epicness of Titanic" and "Imma cut a bitch"
JASON: Like you couldn’t find some twisted, wrong crossover fic where one of them has to throw that stupid necklace over the stupid railing.  Sgt. What’shisname is probably even the guy who pwangs off the propeller…

WHITNEY: Apparently, there is no booze in North Battleford.
JASON: Well, not anymore.
TRIXIE: They're restocking; that's why I'm here.

WHITNEY: She's not a very good dancer.
JASON: Yeah, but if there's one thing I know about raised stages with glittery beaded curtains, it's that they don't care if you're a good dancer--they'll still give you dollar bills.

ANNE: Do you know that Trixie has gone down on everything except the Titanic?
WHITNEY: You should know; you were there!

AVAUGHNA: Thank you so much, and thank you for coming.
JASON: Please don't take our baby, and nothing involving a spinning wheel!

MICHELE: You're being politically correct.
JASON: She's being politically correct; I'm being a good husband.
MICHELE: It's because you know she'll lock your babies in a tower if you don't!

JESSE: Nothing, I repeat NOTHING made me more terrified of puberty than Clan of the Cave Bear.
WHITNEY: Totally!  Clan of the Cave Bear was all about rape, though, and I knew when I was growing up that that was now frowned upon in polite society.
JESSE: It was very rapey, and extra gnarly because she is just a kid. I think there was lots of periody stuff in it too though, if I remember right, and it was gnarly. What the hell did women in prehistoric times do when that happened anyhow? Just like, hang out in a river for a few days?? Get buried from the waist down? Sabre-tooth tiger fur? What?!?
JASON:  If I can hazard a guess from the Flintstones’ pattern of household items/appliances/etc, they probably just shoved a dove in there or something.  Oddly enough, they never addressed it. I do know that waaaaaaay back then, they’d stay in special huts until they were done.  I’m sure it was the height of luxury and respect.  And superstitious exorcism-related tradition.
JESSE: I think they stayed in the huts to protect everyone else from the terrifying vagina magic brought on by their lady time!!
WHITNEY: They talked about “absorbent skins” and stuffing them with wool and stuff.  I’m thinking belts and stuff.  I just reread the series a while ago, and I remember vividly.  They don’t go into too much detail about the bleeding, but they mention it, and talk about having to go away the first time till it stops, and from then on not looking at / talking to / doing anything for men, while bleeding. I dunno, I think the fifties would have been just as bad.  Have you ever seen one of those belt-pad thingies?  Blergh!
JESSE: Or earlier in the 20th century, when Lysol was marketed as a douche...jesus...

MICHELE: We're taking a poll.
BRIAN: You know, like you'll be doing later.

BRIAN: Words are cheap!
TYRA: Handjobs, not  so cheap!

RUBY: Oh, Jenny, can--
JENNY: Sure, I'll sign an autograph!

MICHELE:
Mitchell+stuffing=love!
JASON: Well, I just interpreted that equation in the wrongest possible way.
CLIENT: here is the script we wrote-but we think is sounds too gay....
Chad*reads script indignantly aloud to client over phone*
CHAD: how was that? was that TOO GAY for you....?
CLIENT: no - when you read it - it actually sounds good...
ANNE: I'm going to drop a house on you (Trixie's wearing purple and black striped tights)
TRIXIE: Couldn't you make it a bar instead?

JEN: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
TRIXIE: I'm the witch!
MICHELE: Isn't there some sort of drunken middleground?

BRIAN: What is Gerrard drinking?
MICHELE: GW Light.
BRIAN: Are you calling the Empress fat?
MICHELE: No, she called herself fat. I just didn't disagree with her.

BRIAN: I SAID SWIRL!
MICHELE: You know I can never unsee that, right?

MICHELE: (mocking young Cumberbatch) "My name is Benedict Cumberbatch, I'm gangly as hell with massive hands, I lisp, my parents don't actually own any islands, and I walk around in a straw boater hat--who wants to be my friend?" 
JOELLE: (playing along): Oh, and I tend to shake hands with cacti, because, well, shaking hands is a friendly thing to do, right?

THOMAS: "Where did they get all these Amazon Women to hand out the awards?"
ANDREA: "Amazonwomen.com?"

MICHELE: Whore.
MITCHELL: I was gonna say that I've been called worse by better, but that was all you, too!

Jason: (pushing TV tray away) Whit, that [meal] was amazing.
Whit: Thanks! What are you going to make me for dessert?
Jason: Disappointed.
Whit: What?
Jason: I’m going to make you disappointed for dessert.
Whit: Again?
Jason: Well, this time, it’s not sexual disappointment.
Whit: Well, I guess that *is* different…

JASON: I neglected to mention that, in that exchange, the POLITE thing would have been if Whitney said, “Jason, you worked hard today; how about I get YOU some Dairy Queen?” Man, that conversation has fueled a lot of awesome stuff this week.

MICHELE: Don't forget the sequel: "How's Your Coffee?"
JASON: Tea? Tea? Would you like tea instead? How’re the chips? Do you like chips? I can get new chips…what kind of chips do you like?

VIOLET: I want to meet a man with a nice face and a big dick.
KEVIN: This is Regina. You might meet a man with a nice dick and a big face.

MICHELE:
You eating the same cheese as Ben Cumberbatch? Priceless!
JOELLE: Hey, YOU baked a banoffee pie!

MICHELE: Also, my Ben-on-the-couch-in-a-blanket-eating-ice-cream action figure (when it gets released) must come with Super-Puppy-Cuddling-Action!
JOELLE: Now will pull-string talking action!  You can choose from two models.  One has honeyed cultured tones and says things like, "You're a doctor.  In fact, you're an army doctor", "Breathing is boring", and "I'd like to see you try."  The other has an adorable lisp guaranteed to set your ovaries aflame as he says, "Oh, crumpets," "It'th a thipder", and "Thexeh Surround Thound. .. you know you want it."  And don't forget to pick up his pals--long-suffering-Steven, wise-cracking-potty-mouth-Martin, and snarky-tweeting-Mark.  Complete your collection today!

MICHELE: Tentacles...*sigh*
JOELLE: Ignore everything I just said.  I think I'd probably check out a femslash story before I'd check out a tentacles story.  End of!  (oh, great, now you've got me ME doing it!)
MICHELE: Sadly, most "tentacle" stories are usually "tentacle-rape", and I just can't do it!
JOELLE: Because. . .penises and dildoes just aren't, what, damaging enough?  Said it before, say it again. . .I DON'T GET IT!

MITCHELL:
: It's just not fair that I wasn't born with superpowers.
MICHELE:  It's just not fair that you're sitting here in my living room and not Benedict Cumberbatch, but we all have crosses to bear.
MITCHELL: Fine, then. Cumberbatch can make the coffee.
MICHELE:Yeah, cos that would happen. You know he'd be sitting here on the couch making f**king doe eyes at me, sniffling just a little and lisping, "If it'th not too much bother, maybe I could have thome coffee?"
MITCHELL: (triumphant despite not having superpowers): And you'd DO IT!
MICHELE: yeah....

JASON:On a related note, “Cumbersmaug” is one of the most unpleasant congregations of syllables (for a great thing, mind) that I’ve heard.  And this morning, my brain came up with “Tweet-schmooze” – something I have to do for Fringe, because I can’t make the kickoff thing tomorrow morning.
WHITNEY: I like it!  Cumbersmaug.  I think I'll try to use it in conversation here at work and see how many people look at me like I'm crazy.  er.  Crazy-er.

MIKE: Just saw that there is a new trailer for a Robert Downey Jr Sherlock movie. What I was really looking for was word on the tv show. Any news?
JASON: I believe they're filming right now, but I'll hand you over to the expert (and by "expert", I mean "most obsessed person I know in person"). Michele, where's Sherlock at right now?
MICHELE:Remember, Jason, it's not "obsessed" it's "focused"
MIKE: Huzzah! And I was going to suggest "enthusiastic", but "focused" works just as well.
JASON:You know what?  Fair enough.  I rescind "obsessed" and offer "focused". Michele has never dressed up like Sherlock (that I know of) and gone out in public (also, that I know of).
MICHELE: I believe you have me mistaken for that fat lesbian over there....
MIKE: It's not obsession until they take out a restraining order on you.
JASON:Nope.  I said you *hadn’t* dressed up like Sherlock.  Nor have you dressed up like Captain Jack or Ianto and gone out in public to sing songs at celebrities.  This allows us to still be friends.

JOELLE: Wonder if Sherlock ever guessed THAT about the good doctor by his cell phone!
MICHELE: ooh, SNAP! Sherlock, Joelle totally pnwed you!

MITCHELL: I don't masturbate; that's disgusting!
MICHELE: That's not what the cats said!
BRIAN: That's why the cats are blind!

KORINNE: Dear Blacked out Korinne, I do not appreciate you starting to pack and hiding my camera, please don't do that again.Sincerely,
Hungover Korinne.
MICHELE:
Dear Blacked out Korinne, Thanks for sending the drunk over to make coffee this morning. Sincerely, Sober Michele.

MICHELE: (on rain) Fifteen minutes ago, I thought it would be a good idea to go for a walk, maybe get a drink and some smokes....apparently there's been one to many Storm jokes in my house lately....
WHITNEY: Oh, yeah?  Well I finished work 2 minutes ago, and I'm wearing sandals and don't have a jacket or umbrella.  Bollocks! (FTW!)

KIM:  I will bring a salad and asparagus.
WHITNEY: Yay, asparagus!
KIM:
covered in a fish sauce  with big chunks of fish
MITCHELL: Hey Kim, are you done yet?
KIM: I am not done yet but I will be before you.   Gotta have some time to make that chunky fish sauce for supper for you.
MITCHELL: I’m not coming… take that ruiner of Christmas and all things good and just.
WHITNEY: You don't need to make it Kim, you can probably buy a nice bottle at the Filipino place.  Want me to pick some up for you?
MITCHELL: Maybe you’d like me to save up all of my vomit for a nice dessert as well?
JASON: Well, if you could save it for dessert, at least you wouldn’t be ruining supper by barfing thither and yon, but I was going to bring a cake in the shape of the White Queen.  She’s shooting lightning out of her hands. Have I ruined everything, too?
MITCHELL:
One word: Hate.

MICHELE: I suddenly can picture Mark and Ben sharing vodka and tonics while Mark's husband has pointedly gone out for the evening so that they can have a girls night and Mark can be the awesome gay BFF for Ben, comforting him while he drunkenly laments his new single status...
JOELLE: Passing Benedict a spare copy of "The King's Men" by Christian Fall.  "Think of it as research, Ben.  Just. . .research."
(where the conversation goes when both Benedict Cumberbatch and Mark Gatiss show up w/out dates at the 2011 BAFTAs)

WHITNEY:So, I have officially spent $50 on tshirts at Teefury now.  I've really gotta get away from it.  But they're pretty good quality, and they're mostly super nerdy and cool!  *sigh*  I'm lame.
MICHELE: 50 buck on tshirts is fine as long as it wasn't 50 bucks on one tshirt....of course, if the tshirt was wrapped around Benedict, I'd pony up fifty bucks.
WHITNEY: I think at this point we'd all pony up $50 to see your head explode if Benedict showed up. 

JASON: Reportedly, William’s uncle Prince Edward was going to be given the title of Duke of Cambridge - that is until he watched Shakespeare in Love, which had a character called the Earl of Wessex.  He liked the sound of it and requested that title instead. That’s right: he asked for the title after seeing it in a movie.  Do you think the Queen could make me a Jedi Knight?
ANDREA: But... Princess William of Wales? Shouldn't it be Catherine of Wales? Or do you HAVE to take your man's name? That's kind of a stupid tradition. Or did I misread something here? And if the Queen is able to hand out titles like that, then I would like to reserve "She-Ra, Princess of Power".
MICHELE: Oh, yeah, it's Princess William Of Wales....but you can call her Princess WOW for short....
JASON: Well, she is a bit of a dolly bird, wot?  Nudge, nudge? Or does she just have some sort of World of Warcraft addiction?  I think that would be hilarious.  I mean, her schedule is probably going to be quite full, but it seems as though she doesn’t have to go 9-5 anywhere…I think “Princess WOW” would be hilarious: Not NOW, William!  I’m on a raid that will take me up to level 85!
ANDREA: "Oy! There's some git named 'Sheldor' on 'ere what stole me magic bag! 'ou the hell do you think you are? I'm the fucking Princess of Wow!!!"

MIKE: One of my co-workers was raving about the "magic bullet" gadget from the infomercials. I remembered that someone also brought one to the Braniff New Years shaker and was singing the praises. I ultimately bought one, and it's decent I guess. Anyway, I ordered it online and somehow got a two for one deal. So here's the thing. The one benefits me, as I assume I'll use it at least a couple more times. The second one inconveniences me, as it is increasing the clutter in my tiny house. If anyone wants it, they can have it at cost (my cost being 9 easy payments of $0.00). First come, first serve. Quantities are limited (I have one) so order now. 
WHITNEY: I want it!
JASON: Well, there's good news there.  But not until your birthday.
MICHELE: I was totally gonna ask for it, but then I realized you were talking about one of those food blender things....Going back to Hawaii now....
MIKE: Food blender thingys? No idea what you're talking about. Hey, does anyone know where I can find a nice grassy knoll?
JASON: "Home-made smoothies so delicious, you'll be tilting your head back and to the left trying to get that last drop". I now want to make one called the "wheat-grassy knoll".

WHITNEY: That... that hurt my brain.  But I couldn't look away.  Hypnotic...(watching bad video)
JASON: Story of your life…with me…

ANDREA: Plus, now that I can add "handicapped" (via newly sprained ankle) to "apparently fat" (I'm not saying I couldn't tone up, but 40? Where would it all go?). Call me hop-along I guess. Oh, sorry, fatty hop-along.
JASON: Fatty Hopalong is alright, but I think I’m going to call you “Gimpy McMuffintop”.  Or, if your sprain is severe enough that you need a chair, I will go with either “Whalechair”, or “Thick Hansen” for those old enough and Canadian enough (and potentially wrong enough in the head).  At that size, the Man in Motion tends to Stay in Motion.  It’s the law of inertia.  Having said that, I give you permission, if I’m ever struck blind (and with the Karma I tend to build, it’s not unlikely), to call me “Gay Charles” or “Stevie Wonder-what-Whitney-sees-in-him”.  How was I never a bully?
(on responding to youtube trolls)

Going to see Frankenstein:
MICHELE: would like to be at the theater by seven thirty or so. I don't expect there to be a huge crowd for an overpriced theatrical version of a lame book starring someone named Benedict, but you never know *L* Still, that would give us plenty of time, I think.
JASON: If I’ve confused you, then I might just be ready for a promotion around here. I’m certainly good with landing sometime between 7:00 and 7:30 if that’s good with everyone else.
MITCHELL: Thane doesn’t have dinner tonight, so he’ll be joining us as well and as he is off a lot earlier so he’s just gonna come grab Mich and I at 7:00 or just there before.  So Jason/Whit as soon as you are done your pic taking, come and meet us there.  First group to the theatre saves seats.  See you guys tonight for some Cumber-Fun!  (Mich, you’ve wrecked me).
MICHELE: I doubt that we'll have to save seats, although maybe I'm not giving Regina enough credit.  I think Cheyenne is going to be there as well. A Cumbergood time will be had by all, I'm sure.
MITCHELL: Think the Concession attendant will look at me funny if I order a Cumber-Combo, complete with Cumber-Corn, Cumber-Candy and a Cumber-Coke? Bah dum ch..
MICHELE: I think I will look at you funny if you order that...everyone knows if there are going to be Cumbersnacks, they are mine!
JASON:I think we’ll all look at you funny, but I guess it’s about as bad as you trying to order your drinks “Padalecki-sized” and referring to the all-beef hot-dogs as a “Clarkie in a Blanket” (and what is with you putting your ketchup on it in that “S” shape?)  Ginger Snaps?  Wax necks? Jelly Awkwards? Mike & Ike & Movies you’d rather forget? Um…baps?

MICHELE: His name is Benedict Cumberbatch
JENNY: Wow, that would be hard to say around a mouthful of dick!

VICTORIA: (drawing tickets for a door prize) 32? 32?
BRANDY: 97? I've got 97!

RUBY: Where can I put my stuff:
ANDY: Since you're the new drag queen, you have to put it in the oven.

JASON: People be dumb.  Not as bad as some days, but still…The worst part is how often I find myself now “needing” comfort food and TV, because every time they make my brain hurt, I have to feed it to make the “owie” better.
MICHELE: Be grateful you don't need "comfort cigarettes and Sherlock porn" instead--you're really much better off!
JASON: I was wrong, by the way:  food is more like a lap-dance for the brain.  And some days, food is more like illicit Thai massage for the brain.  I’m really surprised I’m not 300 pounds sometimes.

JESSE: I think Anne Hathaway looks like a pine marten. I like Robert Duvall skulking around in the backround: "Why....Why am I here again?"
JASON: Ah!  Robert Duvall!  Missed him, hanging in the back like the grim spectre of death…“Enjoy your youth, you little bastards…this is what’s waiting for you at the other end.  Why am I apparently serving drinks to the kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun?“ A Pine Marten?
JESSE: A comely pine marten, with the limpid eyes of a cartoon deer.
JASON: Surely, were I to woo Anne Hathaway, I should use such descriptions in the sonnet.  Why, set to the music of a finely-tuned lute, the prize would surely go to me.

JASON: Mitchell, you'll get to look at Taylor what'shisface who played Gambit as he probably winds up shirtless and sweaty.  So will the rest of you, but you're not as likely to start making weird groaning noises in the theatre.
MITCHELL: Uhhhhh Taylor '8 Pack' Kitsch.  So-Hot!!!!!  Agagahhhgshgajlkfcg Yah, I'm a pig, but I come about it honestly.

MATT: is pleased to announce the formation of the ICS's latest and possibly greatest tribute bands. The All Ukrainian stylings of " Baba Gaga"... stay tuned for our first release.. Polka Face
JOE: Lucy would be proud! Available on Utunes through the Ukranian Ladies Wholesale Prices and Nosh Club and Bacon Grease records!

WHITNEY: Where's your dignity?
JASON: It's in my desk at work where you can't get at it
Mitchell: "Have fun on your holidays. Get lot's of sun, check out lots of hot guys and drink lots of booze. Bring some back!"
Elaine: "What, booze?"
Mitchell: "No, guys!"
Elaine: "Ooh I never thought of that! I could have a 'her'am!"
Mitchell: Huh?
Elaine: "Yah like a harem, only a 'her'am cause I am a her and I have a harem!
Mitchell: "Yes dear"
THANE: She accidentally fell on my teeth! It wouldn't have happened if there was a moat with dolphin friendly crocodiles.
MICHELE: Now do I credit you for this or Mitchell? Or does it go on the telly page?
THANE: Hmmmm, C, all of the above!
MITCHELL: Well the castle, moat friendly crocodiles and lone dolphin should go to Korrine and & I, but the teeth and the ever expanding dialogue belongs to the group and p.s. on the 'not fine' list
THANE: Don't I get point for combining everything?
KORINNE: I dont think it works that way

MICHELE: I don't want to do anything today--somebody say something motivating!
JASON: Um…them dirty stories ain’t gonna write themselves?You can doooo eeeet!

SAM: The Rankin Family Reunion Special is on tonight.
ETHAN: Really? What channel?
SAM: One of the crappy ones, I'm sure. The ad was you passed out over a turkey leg.

JASON: I’ve also got Stevie Wonder’s Christmas Album with me, though I don’t know how sincere he’s being about how pretty snow is or how nice those lights look.  Too soon?
WHITNEY: Is a blind joke ever too soon?  I like to think not.
MITCHELL: Not like they’ll see it comin’  badum che
JASON: So long as nobody reads it out loud, it’s probably not to soon.  Just don’t start snickering.  The man has ears like Jesus himself (if Jesus were part bat or something).

  Jason: (About the announcement of the new Pirates of the Caribbean 4 Trailer) "Mitchell, you can prepare to pee yourself now"
Mitchell: "Very cool; now remember perspective. On a scale of 1 to Pee, Storm being Pee and Het Sex being 1, a new ‘Pirates’ would score, oh… say a 6.5."

TEE: She proposed! We're engaged!!
CHEYENNE: Ew. ....uh I mean, congrats?
TEE: ...that is like the highest level of congrats a friend of yours could get for something like this. THANKS!

MITCHELL: (commenting on a jacket he owns) How do I fix the zipper?
THANE: Jenny Craig!

SHANE: She reigned as both of them (on Yada and Andy)
MICHELE: Kinda like she's doing this year!
SHANE: I can't believe I set that up and didn't finish it!

CHUGAR: I love this time of year...when all the squirrels are so fat they look like small cats....oh chubby squirrel... you will make it up that tree yet....
DORIAN:  Just tell China to stop hanging out on your lawn and go home. It's dangerous for someone her age to be climbing trees!
KERRY:  I know. They are so fat and so many of them. Mitchell got lost coming home from work the other day when three squirrels ran across the street in front of him.

JASON: If your erection is cutting off your air youre doing it wrong
WHITNEY: if someone else's erection is cutting off your air you're doing it right
(this is actually a discussion about watching television with Mitchell, if you can believe that!)

JASON: Ah! Welshipino! (describing someone 1/2 Welsh, 1/2 Filipino) It's either that or try to spell Filipino in the Welsh Way, and I can't do it.
MICHELE: Just throw in about five Ds and it should be fine.
JASON: because that makes any kind of sense.They're not using fucking cyrillic
MICHELE: The Welsh don't have to make sense, they just have to look good in suits
JASON:  It's the same alphabet we use.
MICHELE:You can imagine the meetings--after a few pints and some singing, some drunk bastard would be all like "bloody English, think they're s'much better than us--we'll show 'em--we'll use more Ds than 'em in every word we spell...Hell, we'll add an 'y' and an 'f' inbetween words too--that'll bugger 'em!"
JASON: It's true. And "L" wil sound like an "L" (la la la), but if there are two in a row, you have to spit out of both corners of your mouth while keeping the middle dry. khhhllll...It's like an English department was playing "sociables" and the game never stopped.

JASON: I thought it was more telling in the "so, I took half a piece of cake home from a restaurant last night, taped the carton shut, wrote my name on it, put it in a safe, hooked that safe up to a car battery and went to bed.  This morning, I got up, and the safe was wide open, the carton was empty on the floor, and my dad was sitting on the couch with his beard literally smoking, and burn marks on his hands..."
ANDREA: I just don't get the idea he seems to get. Hmm. This, quite obviously, came from a restaurant. I wasn't in a restaurant today. It must be mine. Noooom noom nom. (in my head, it sounded like Cookie Monster).
JASON: I believe it's a microcosmic version of "Eminent Domain", but without the compensation.  Actually, it's probably more a microcosm of the way 2/3 of North American countries were founded.
Explorer: "Land!  I have discovered a country!"
Pre-existing inhabitants: "Hello, stranger!  Why are you so pale, and what is with the pantaloons?"
Explorer: "Trespassers!"
Inhabitants: "Actually, this is our land"
Explorer: "That's not what this flag says, guys."
Which was followed by the socio-political version of "Nom Nom Nom", or "I'm on UR Land, taking UR stuff"
That above conversation went on for a while longer.

MITCHELL:  Thought of something funny all to myself... What do people and penises have in common? When they work, they're fucking awesome; when they don't they're fucking
useless!
JASON: I was going to say, "they're usually funny looking". or "you can't trust their decision making" or "their agenda usually involves screwing somebody" or   "I don't want either one pressing up against me on the subway"

WHITNEY: I've lost track of how long you've been there.  It's run together in my mind to "fov-EVER!!"
MICHELE: Whitney—foV-ever?
WHITNEY: You hared me.  So they're.

Cheyenne: It's on Batman as a super inflated logo/brand, advertising, family values, and his popularity in general. Every time I try to write it, it comes out sounding like my Queer Theories paper and I have to rewrite because: "No one cares about your 'Batman comics are Gay' theories in Popular Culture class, Cheyenne".
Jason: What's your angle? That is, what's the thesis about? Obsession? Parent issues? the fact that only one man in Gotham could afford all those wonderful toys but no-one seems to catch on?
I'm still all about the Clark Kent principle, where clothes, or glasses, make the man (well, glasses and humanity's complete disbelief that Superman would ever want to live as a human when he's bloody Superman).

Stefan: Tonight at Minsky's Showbar Cardiff, the outrageous Pixie Perez and Rhondda Cynon Taff's first lady Tina Sparkle.
Tina Sparkle: Rhondda Cynon Taff first lady?
Stefan: Lady' was quicker to type than 'ropey old tranny'
(friends in Cardiff update facebook)

WHITNEY: Oh, and once again, not a fan of bamboo
MICHELE: Alright, ya big tease, tell me the bamboo story!
WHITNEY: Not really a story, just upset that your bamboo plant isn't getting better.  I've tried lots of water...  no water...  half water...  Nothing works!
MICHELE: I think Mitchell dealt it a mortal blow…
WHITNEY: I dunno, I feel like it may have been struggling, but I accidentally held my hand over it's nose and mouth while trying to give it the heimlich.  Or something.

SHANE: That was not a child that came from love.
THOMAS: That was a hate-fuck.
MITCHELL: A heat fuck?
SHANE: Ungh! Ungh! Yeah, that was angry.

MITCHELL: I'll help decorate, if I'm not busy...unless I hate you.
GERRARD: I'm, uh, colouring my hair....the same colour....
MITCHELL: Only richer! I'm doing it for you....for your show....
GERRARD: Look how thoughtless--uh, thoughtful I am

WHITNEY: I have no idea what we're doing tonight.  Hopefully something that doesn't involve baking.  Or mixing.  Or anything to do with Cool Whip.
JASON: I was going to say something utterly, um, horrible in…defense…of Cool Whip™, but let’s not.

JASON: Still, while it might not be the best thought that the first drink named after me is a Girly Drink, it’s probably somewhat appropriate...Shut up.
TERRY: Uh huh. Yup. Penetrating Gummy bears… There is far more going on here then girly drinks. I heard the Fedorchuk Fantasy was a gay porn flick with dwarf wrestlers in pudding and an assortment of fetish gear. Either way, I’m mildly disturbed.
JASON: Oh, I’d say you’re more than Mildly disturbed. You’ve obviously got that confused with your Fantasy of Fedorchuk.

JASON: So, last night, Whit and I wound up talking about women’s fashions and the screwed-up nature of the sizing they use.  As she explained again that the sizes have actually changed from the past (Marilyn Monroe was apparently a 6, whereas by today’s standards she would be somewhere around a 14 – 16), she said that it was “all [our] fault”, referring to, of course, men*. After a moment of thought, a theory crystallized in my brain: it’s not all men’s fault.  My best guess is, sometime back in the day, some gay ol’ Fashion Designer had a huge falling out with his hag, and decided on the spot that his revenge would be that she would be double her size.  And bang, within a handful of months, the sizes had all changed.
“Oh yeah?  Well, you’re a size sixteen now, girl!”
“What?  I am NOT!  I am, at best, an eight.”
“Not after I’m done changing the size paradigm for the entire clothing industry.”
“You wouldn’t DARE.”
“Just watch me…fatty.”
And there you have it.
MICHELE: No, I suspect that somebody in the designer jean business around 1972 outsourced their garment tags and what should have been a size 8 became a 18 through sloppy stitching....
JASON: I didn’t know Affinity was in business that long.
 
WHITNEY: My day is going swimmingly.
JASON: So…sarcastically swimmingly, then?
MICHELE: Swimmingly,  you know, like you do....in a sharktank....
WHITNEY: Sort of exactly like that.  Or possibly swimmingly like a beach front resort over spring break with a massive swarm of pirannahs.  In 3-D.
 MICHELE: I like the shark idea better--then John Barrowman can come by and tell me how to relax....
WHITNEY: Oh.  No.  Noooo.  :-P  Blergh.  Worst...line...EVER!
MICHELE: Better he should do his 'relaxing' with Scott, and then have me over for cocktails later....Look at me, all talkin'  like I know him heh heh
WHITNEY: Amen to that!  And we do know him.  He's come to TV how many times now?
JASON: If the man can do a show where he has to upsell the World’s Lonliest Woman and her all cat rock band, I’m sure he could be our friend.

JASON: There's supergay....
WHITNEY: That's hypergay
MITCHELL: This is like the Zonda of gay right here!
(ah, Jenny Talia, we love you so)

WHITNEY: I may or may not have just ordered part of your Christmas present online.
MICHELE: Mail order bride? Online porn? oh wait, that's free
WHITNEY: Mail order bride?  Dammit!  You guessed!  Guess I'll have to call Paulina and tell her you don't need a tall Russian.  *sigh*  NOW what can I get you?!

WHITNEY: That sounds good to me!  I'm looking forward to seeing the last of the rum/gin/beer/wine soaked drunkenpalooza turns out.  Also, James' liver.  I'm curious as to how THAT is going to turn out.
JASON:  James’ liver, I’m sure, will turn *inside* out.  But Oz will be a donor match, and give half of his to save James’ life.  It is there, in recovery, that May will realize that Oz is in love with him, and they will retire together to the countryside where they will open up a Winery with a racetrack on the opposite side of the acreages. Clarkson will be the minister; Hammond, the flower girl, and TGD will bear the rings.  The Stig, of course, will drive the limo, which will be half Hummer and half Boeing 747 (you’ll believe a car can fly…until it doesn’t), and for the Honeymoon, they’ll do a series on all of the Rums of Jamaica.  Or the Tequilas of Mexico .

WHITNEY: I LOVED Mad Johnny Baa Lamb!  It made me laugh too.I'd totally watch it.  The staggering around looking stunned… always funny.  Right Jason?
JASON: It is how I start my days.
MICHELE: Watching the staggering or doing the staggering?
JASON: Sadly, doing.  I don’t wake up very well.  I’m sure I told you the story of when I was a teenager, and I was asleep one morning when no-one else was around, when suddenly the phone rings, and I get up and try running to get it (because you get three rings before the voicemail kicks in).Well, I didn’t get there before three rings, because I managed to hit the hallway wall and fall over.  Twice. Mmm…awkward teenage years.
MICHELE: and by "awkward teenage years", he means last Tuesday.
JASON: I’m young at heart, thank you very much. Heart, and centre of gravity. And sense of humour. Heh.  Farts.  Heh.

JASON: I was too busy placing the killshot right between the eyes of the Troll King last night.
MITCHELL: Is that code for sex?
WHITNEY: Nope, he's just a total nerd!
MICHELE: More importantly, killshot is good, but did you manage a double tap?

BRIAN: The first one I'm doing is "I Don't Hook Up."
MITCHELL: For those of you who are new here, that's irony.

CHYNA: Stay away from me!
MICHELE: What's he gonna do, sign you to death?
CHYNA: (signing furiously) He'll slap me but he'll explain it to me first.

MICHELE: Dunno how true it is, but it sure would be funny to see! On his chat show, Clarkson, he caused upset to the Welsh by placing a 3D plastic map of Wales into a microwave oven and switching it on. He later defended this by saying, "I put Wales in there because Scotland wouldn't fit."
MITCHELL: THIS SURPRISES?! The ‘straight’ guy hits on a teeny bopper gay boy, frequently starts fires, leaves his mates stranded on roadsides, introduces the rabbit as gift of the year, bashes the ins and outs of the auto industry daily, attaches a car motor to a blender and a boat motor to a truck and again I ask THIS SURPRISES?! It’s a wonder he didn’t rig the microwave with a twin turbo V10 before putting the map in it only to set it atop a water feature to be launched into the air only to land on a recently raised shed.
MICHELE: Oh my God! You sound like James May--all that was missing from that rant is for you to call him a great, stupid pillock!
MITCHELL: “It will be the worst car as long as there is breath in our bodies”An associate walked up to their rep and myself.  To which the rep asked her, “did you need me?”  To which she replied “No, I need the guy who knows everything” Three cheers for being one step closer to being James May a-la Scully!

MICHELE: What I learned today so far: Myofacial pain disorder is the most common disorder involving the temporomandibular joint area. Cheers.
JASON: Hard to tell if you’re being sarcastic, or if you’re truly excited at the possibilities this raises for your writing.
MICHELE:  I'm loving the language of this place, seriously! And this, just before lunch: No benefits shall be payable for or on account of any services resulting from any intentionally self-inflicted injury or disease, while sane or insane.

JASON: Whitney had a weird interview today; she’ll tell you all about it tonight, I’m sure, but there was supposed to be some scenario roleplaying in there, and they never did it.
MICHELE: maybe they thought offering roleplay during an interview would be creepy
JASON: I’m not sure if you’re serious, or if that was an hilarious, dirty comment. I choose the latter.
MICHELE: I was serious--it's creepy (picturing some chick wearing a clown mask and asking Whitney to pretend she's a unicorn....) Okay, kinda funny too.
JASON: I’ve been picturing that since we started dating, but she’s never gone for it.

ALICIA: She was a royal c**t, excuse my language.
GWEN: It's okay, I don't mind the word 'royal'.

CHEYENNE'S MOM: Do you have your cellphone?
CHEYENNE: Yeah, why?
CHEYENNE'S MOM: So you can call your sister when we get there.
CHEYENNE: Where's yours?
CHEYENNE'S MOM: She's dead, Jim.
CHEYENNE: XD!!(laughing)
CHEYENNE'S MOM: ...shut up.

MICHELE: I am pleased to report....That 8 weeks after I have arrived in Decatur, three weeks after I have completed my training class and 7 days before I leave, ATT has graciously allowed me to have the password that gives me access to the trainer guides for the curriculum.For my next trick I’m going to enter a room full of poison gas without a hazmat suit!
MITCHELL: Unless you are Juggernaut; I wouldn’t recommend it.  Now that I have accidently thrown that out there…if you in fact ARE Juggernaut, we need to talk!
MICHELE: The only difference is I don’t have the snazzy helmet….

MICHELE: Juggernaut is not magical in that good Merlin way, though….
MITCHELL: Sooooooooo Truuuuuuueeeee soooooo GOOODDD!“You should not have killed my friend!”  EEK!
MICHELE:  I think you just fangirled Merlin!

MITCHELL: Where did your husband go?
WHITNEY: I don't know--listen for his bell.

JASON: I can finally unclench.
DORIAN: Please don't.

MICHELE: If all else fails, be sure to give 'em a verse of "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me"
ANDREA: Or you could do like Hugh Grant and play/sing a heart rendering version of Killing me Softly, singing with your eyes closed. Oh wait, he got an apple to the face for that one I think.
JASON: Or I could be like Heath Ledger, sing “I can’t take my eyes off of you”, followed by this thing where I’m like Heath Ledger, and I say, “Why so SERIOUS?” and then I shank someone and do a little dance. Probably not the best way to go, but if the role calls for it…   

WHITNEY: People everywhere have a sick sense of “let’s try this 8 month old beaver intestine that we’ve had sitting in a barrel buried 6 feet down this old sewage pit”.  Ick.  Also, why would anyone try that once?!  I get if someone had, in the past, tried something that made them throw up, and now think it’s funny to tell their friends, who of course are drunk, “No, go on.  It doesn’t taste as bad as it smells, honest,” whilst snickering gleefully to themselves.  But who was the FIRST person to decide, “That piece of rotten whitefish soaking in lye, well that looks positively nummy”?  WHO?!  I refuse to believe that anyone could be that poor or hungry.  I think I’d rather starve.  Or at least eat people.  For some odd reason, I don’t find the idea of chowing down on a fellow plane crash victim nearly as off-putting as taking a big old bite of P'tcha, which is explained thus: “Buy a cow's foot in a butcher shop, chop it up and cook for hours & hours in water with spices, garlic, salt, pepper, etc. It is a good idea to evacuate the house during cooking time to avoid the overwhelming smell. Then pour this mess into a large flat pan and refrigerate. It sets to a nice translucent grey jelly with a layer of fat on top.”
MITCHELL: Thanks for that.  Now I never want to eat again.  You ruin everything.
WHITNEY: I try!  Hey, maybe we can cuddle while watching the movie!
MITCHELL: “Oh my gawd you’re so annoying!”
JASON: The whitefish, for example, shouldn’t be rotting in the lye.  As I understand it, the lye is supposed to keep the lutefisk (gag) about as preserved as you can get for long, hard winters, and many months of Viking sailing expeditions.  It’s probably also partway to blame for their being so ornery. English pies, which often come in the “steak and kidney” or “brain and kidney” variety are a direct result of their ancient need to use all parts of the cow (not sure if they make grey-hoof-fat yuchho or whatever it’s called, but there you have it).  Scotland’s terrain and weather have to take some of the blame for Haggis.  Cold, damp weather, however doesn’t explain kilts, and nothing really explains away the Caber Toss, except for cheap Scots using it as an excuse to give a log to their kid for Christmas as a “home Caber Toss kit” (potentially deadlier than lawn darts).French people eat snails?  …  They were either desperate or just plain gross.  I know for a fact that they once had the option of eating cake, and apparently none of them went for it.  They just kept eating snails and cutting of the heads of the upper class.
Some cuisine may be the result of happenstance.  Maybe they forgot they’d put the beaver intestine down there in the first place, and after the set amount of time, remembered it was there, rescued it, and then for whatever reason, tried it out and, even more mysteriously, liked it.  More likely, though, is that this kind of thing is a result of historical Patriarchy, where one guy says to another, “dude, thou hast GOTT to Trye thys!  Verily, it is most repugnante!” and the other fellow tries it, not wanting to looketh like a greate wusse.  Then there is much eye-watering and table banging, and a third dude gets called over, and it just spreads.
Eventually, it just becomes accepted that you need to eat the gross thing, and no-one questions it, when a Matriarchy would’ve just had the good sense to throw out whatever it was and make the Queen consort take her to a nice restaurant instead.I’m sure half the truly gross items out there are failed attempts by disgruntled servants and assassins to poison the King.Now, having said that, I can think of no good reason for half of what you’ve read about, and if I were a duck, I’d migrate *around* the bloody Philippines, where there is less than no accounting for taste, especially when modern life should allow for a Fuddrucker’s there somewhere.
MITCHELL: I am now a vegetarian either way.
MICHELE: Oh yeah, a vegetarian until those ten Revs kick in: ”Lets have BURGERS!” “Burgers? Are you drunk?” “Maybe...click click” “I know it’s three in the morning and you’re drunk but didn’t you say you were a vegetarian?” “I hate you you ruin everything...how about chicken?”
MITCHELL: Oh my gawd!!!  Why do you always have to be right??!! Whitney you are off the hook, Michele ruins everything!!!
MICHELE: Now if by “ruins everything” you mean she “rocks like a big rocking thing and god only knows what we’ll do without her for ten weeks”, you’d be right.

JASON: I believe that this week, as busy as it’s been, has disproved that time is a constant.  It’s slowed down to a crawl, or has possibly even ground to a halt.
MIKE E.: It's Stephen Hawking's fault. He gets sick and the entire space/time continuum starts to fall apart.
ANDREA: OMG. Yes. Yes. Yes. The Mother flippin’ week should be over. Now...I, for one, am very concerned about his condition.But some day (hopefully not for awhile now) when he does pass away, I really hope he donates his body to science!

JASON: I like meat, and not leaving the house.
MICHELE: You and Ianto Jones.
JASON: But in totally different ways.  Is it bad I don’t even blush anymore?  Oy. Besides, I can look at a Pizza Delivery Girl without crying. Well, anything other than tears of gratitude.

BRIAN: I was told not to be so 'rammy'
MICHELE: Rammy? Is that even a word?
KRICKET: It is in Brian's house.

MICHELE: I don't know how you did that without him falling in!
BRIAN: I have a 2x4 in the bed.
YADA: Coffee tables are our friends.
KRICKET: A phone book!
YADA: A booster seat! And a burger king crown!

JASON: And I will be sad when I get my cardboard cutout a diet coke and it gets all soggy and mushy and disintegrates in my arms like so many failed robot girlfriends in nerd fiction.
MICHELE: No judging on cardboard cutouts (eyes suspiciously-life sized 8x10 of Ianto Jones sneakily).

MICHELE: I've got the timtams, you bring the hobnobs...oh, and something nice in yellow crayon maybe.
JASON: Awwww…were you going to destroy the world?  I guess considering yesterday’s debacle, I shouldn’t be surprised.  You were probably aiming for just Tokyo , but if you see the rest of the planet as acceptable collateral damage…Just don’t destroy the world.  And when you’re around for Christmas, 2009, you can even come over to my place and I’ll do the snoopy dance.  Now with more eyepatch! How did I end up Xander in all of this?
MICHELE: Hey, being Xander isn ' t so bad. At least you ' re real. And you get to have sex with Spike. So would that make Whitney Spike? She was certainly the Big Bad at the airport yesterday (with less pee threats than me, however) I somehow wound up as the buffybot in another conversation, and since Spike slept with the Buffybot, I think maybe Whitney would have to be Willow (sweet counterpart to my "kill you all in your sleep" badness, but you don ' t want to mess with her) instead. Does this make Mitchell Angel? Or Andrew?
 MITCHELL: Storm, it still makes me storm. Hehehe and 10 points for being consistent.
JASON: We all admire the strong, black woman you are, Oprah Angelou. Well, now I’m confused.  If Whitney is Willow , would that make me Oz because I’m offbeat and cool, or Tara , because I’m insecure and hippy? I’m not sure I’m comfortable with my wife being even a metaphorical lesbian, really. And in no way, shape or form am I Kennedy.  In my universe, she is dead.
MITCHELL: Well let’s see, Oz is musically inclined like you, and quick witted like you, a little sappy like you; however Tara on the other hand is a lesbian, so Tara it is! Hahaha oh my god I am so funny! That’s for cryptically calling me a freak!
MICHELE: No,  you can still be Xander--you're just the dirty-touching-Willow-when-Spike-kidnaps-you-season-three-Xander
JASON: Wasn’t one of them mostly pierced by a piece of wood at that point?  Oh, wait. That was Cordelia. Is anyone here Cordelia? Alright, then.  I can be two-eyed, amoral Xander, and Whitney can be cheating-on-a-werewolf Willow. All of which makes me feel like I’m participating in way too elaborate and kind of freaky roleplaying

MITCHELL: Best game EVER
MICHELE: I don't think it's the best game ever. Ianto says naked hide and seek is the best game ever. And if it is the best game ever, how did we lose Whitney 30 emails ago
JASON: She is either asleep or has sensibly assigned us all a “spam” designation. I would have done the same.
MITCHELL: She probably got smart and found a better more productive, less mind numbing use of her time than yammering with us.
WHITNEY: I'm not bored, or asleep, but you all are hurting my brain!

JASON: I am happy to hear that amidst the insanity one of us is firmly planted in reality!
MICHELE: Reality is vastly overrated, isn't that right, Ianto?
JASON: Even if he’s your imaginary boyfriend, you should never ask someone to rate reality who actually has a Pterodactyl as a pet, and dates an immortal Broadway-singin’ Man of Action ™.  They would tend to have a different view of reality, I think.

WHITNEY: ...air-con. I don't think I'll ever call it anything else now. Maybe it's too hot here to use the whole word.
MACKENZIE: Maybe they charge by the letter.
MICHELE: Not to be confused with Con-Air, which is something completely different.

MICHELE: OMG you must go to chapters and buy me this issue—not for the comic so much as the GDL interview as the cover alone from this article has made me soil myself a little and make an ‘eep’ noise….
JASON: And what’s with that cover quote?  “We crank it until it explodes”?  eep, indeed.
MICHELE: See? Not just me! Besides, after that trailer, I’m still eeping every time I think about it.

JASON: Beeeeeeelieve it or not,
You’re both flying home
From the Asian Pacific Ri-i-iiiiiiimmmm
Flying away in a day and a week,
Whit’s guy is a freeeeeeak,
But normal or not, please hug hiiiiiiiiimmmm
WHITNEY:That was amazing.  And frightening.  Please never do it again.  And do it all the time.
MICHELE: Your karaoke kung fu is the best….skadoosh….William Katt filled out red tights better, though….
 JASON: His stunning blond Jewfro just went better with the outfit, that’s all.
MICHELE: Well yeah, we all know white man’s ‘fro is my kryptonite….
MITCHELL: “Penny” knock knock knock “Penny” knock knock knock “Penny”
JASON: I thought that was White Man’s Tears.

JASON: It’s juuuusssst
One week ‘til you’re home with me,
Hopefully we’ll be all warm and sunny,
I know that you think I’m lame,
But you’re gonna be glad to see me all the same.
SEVEN!  <jazz hands>
WHITNEY:Oh my god you’re brain sharing with Michele from across the world!

MICHELE: I’m very pleased to announce that I got my first coaching in four years today for sleeping at my desk. I’m so proud.
JASON: You were sleeping at your desk? For some reason, I find that awesome.
MICHELE: Not so much awesome as common. I just usually don’t get caught
MITCHELL: You fell asleep at your desk???  My my my my my  you need a good cuppa mitch poured coffee!!  Hahaha I know I’m lame it’s true!!
WHITNEY:It’s not that you don’t get caught, because you do, but it’s that *I* am usually the one to catch you!
JASON: Why haven’t you been coaching her all this time?

MICHELE: Why don't you dip your fruit in this yucky sauce?
WHITNEY: I think no, and I think I will poke you with this green spiky thing.
(poking ensues)
WHITNEY: I think it's just pineapple leaves, but pokey
MICHELE: It's dangerous; it's garnish with intent.

WHITNEY: They taste like fish.
MICHELE: They taste like styrofoam.
WHITNEY: They taste like styrofoam that someone has rubbed a fish on.
MICHELE:  They taste good.
WHITNEY: And like fish!

JASON: They’d just better not surprise me with a dead Ianto.
MICHELE: Nobody wants to be surprised by a dead Ianto…
(ironic foreshadowing)

MICHELE: Whitney's drinking red tea; she says it's the cat's ass!
WHITNEY: Well, the cat's ass to the cat, anywats. I actually LIKE drinking this stuff, and I don't think I could say the same for the other.
JAE: wonder where the phrase "cat's ass" came from anyway. Doesn't sound like it should be something good. its weirdly old fashion now too - i'm updating it now, and it will go something like "this tea is some sweet cathole..."
MICHELE: *anywats*? Whatchoo talkin' about, *Whtiney*? I guess I should have said it was the bees knees...
WHITNEY: shut up your face.
JAE: Now Bees Knees - There's another one of those sayings. Is that little bee on his knees a lot? A bit whorish if he is then, hey? Dirty little bee.
MICHELE: You have to watch out for those dirty bees--you never know when one will be buzzing around your cathole...
JASON: I'm glad that a photo of my wife at work has devolved into a discussion of whorebees 'round the cathole (the title of my next album, I think). The red tea looks interesting, whether it's some sweet cathole or the whorebee's moneymaker or whatever. Anywats is the New Segue; use it or be left behind. We will have given it to "rap music" by March, and it will be in Oxford by June, 2010. Anywats est la bonne meme frais! Surrender.You have been warned.
JAE: I'll SO be using "whorebee's moneymaker" when describing something good. That, and "Hooker's cookie" will be the new classics.
MITCHELL: Hookers Cookie? So it's Kerry's then?
JAE: anywats, i think we killed this one, but we made some really good progress in evolutionary english. I love making this language harder for people to learn. You may want to introduce some of these fun, family oriented colloquial messes to your new found fillipino friends.
MICHELE: Oh yeah. I'm teaching them sarcasm even as we speak
MITCHELL: and we are all going to hell...

WHITNEY: The Century Egg.  It’s a hard boiled egg that they bury in a hole for 3 months, dig up, and feed to some unsuspecting tourist.  Apparently it’s a delicacy.  Suuuuuure it is!  It’s a trap, I know it.  They had it in one of the dishes at the Chinese food restaurant we went to for lunch at 4 this morning.  Once again, one of those, “what were they thinking?” things!
JASON: I believe you’re misunderstanding the phrase “tourist trap”.  At least it’s hard-boiled first.  Not sure what the intervening three months in the ground does to it to make it taste…like a delicacy.   Did you eat it?You should tell them that you’re capable of burying your own eggs, thank you very much, and if they’d like to visit, we have a delicacy that we feed to tourists where we leave a Tupperware container full of spaghetti in the back of the fridge for three months…
MICHELE: They were following the old adage “it’s always in the last place you look” Somebody wanted an egg for breakfast, and couldn’t find it. Three months later, having found the damned thing, the guy looking, presuming he hadn’t died of starvation or boredom, sure wasn’t going to let it go to waste…“Eyes watering…stomach churning….not going to waste delicious egg…”
MITCHELL: Too far Deedz!  Hehehe  blech!!!!

MICHELE: Stay away from the century eggs.
MITCHELL: Stay away from the eggs, hell I am going to bury 4 in your floor boards of your apartment so they’ll be nice and ripe for each of us to have one when the two of you get home!
JASON: He’s like a cat with a dead bird, folks. In a related story, I will not be visiting your apartment until August…

TYRA:  I used to have a fringe dress like that.
JASMINE: Ya, but the carwash needed it back.

TYRA: (upon learning that China got free ballet classes at her new work) Did you sign up for your class yet?
CHYNA: Ya, I signed us both up for the big girls' class.
TYRA:  Oh, are we playing the hippos in Fantasia again?
CHYNA: No, that class was full.  But congratulations, you've been cast as the iceberg in Titanic the Ballet.

WHITNEY: As far as I can remember, and that’s about as far as I could throw a house these days, we don’t have anything on tomorrow.  And if your Shane is ok, we could still have pizza around him.  Maybe we could even include him!
MICHELE: Okay, let me get this straight—you remember as far as you can throw a house. So how far is your memory then? This sounds like something that should be on a Japanese note pad: Your memory is as far as a house of thrown.
 WHITNEY: Oooh, I like it!  Now if it were only paired with a constipated looking bear….
JASON: Mitchell’s would say “I am to be liking the Physics neuroses with the not touching”. Seriously.  You should see his desktop.
MITCHELL: Now remember ladies, do not tell these kinds of jokes when you are in the Philippines.
WHITNEY: Apparently I won’t be able to tell any jokes.  I’ll be jokeless.  Full of the lacking of jokes.
JASON: Oh, baby…you’ll still have the jokes.  Those duck-munchers might not *get* the jokes, but you’ll still have ‘em.
WHITNEY: Also, Mitchell.  Your tagline is large and too black.  (not in a racist way, shut up your face)  you should make your tasteregina thing gay and rainbowy, like Jason's.

THANE: I made a fool of myself!
EZRA: I make a fool of myself every night!

MITCHELL: Hello
WHITNEY: You didn't come over here to say hello, you came over here to steal my wine.
MITCHELL: A little of both. But I'm cuter when I'm drunk.

TROY: Should I buy him a drink?
MICHELE: Couldn't hurt.
(twenty seconds later...)
TROY: What does he drink? Should I buy him a drink?
MICHELE: Why not? He can't get stupider!

WHITNEY: I have slug butter at home.
THOMAS: What?
WHITNEY: Slug butter.
THANE: Oh, I thought she said 'slut-butter'. We usually call that KY.

JASON: It's like the exquisite Russian Dolls of cuisine.  Also, I kind of want to vomit now.
JESS: Vomit with joy, right? Vomit with yearning?
JASON: Desire.  Pure, unholy desire, summoned from a dark and unused part of the brain best left unlocked. I don't even think the Two Fat Ladies would've attempted *that*, and I once saw them make a "Four Meat Meatloaf" with a bacon crisscross on the top. There was almost certainly heavy cream in there somewhere, too. But this?  This is too much. I'm sure that Bacon-wrapped Turducken was one of Lovecraft's Elder Gods, wasn't it?
JESS: The unholy bacon-wrapped Thing Which Must Not Be Named...?
BRANDI: Ah...but you are forgetting the ultimate turducken...the Father of all Evil...
(http://chomposaurus.wordpress.com/2008/06/07/the-ultimate-turducken/)
JASON: I don't even know what to say...it's like a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a puzzle...wrapped in a question, stuffed in a logic problem, crammed in an equation, forced into a mystery, thrust violently into a conundrum, wrapped in some crossword puzzles and ultimately sewn...into a very large Turkey. A turkey that probably died when it was shown a diagram of what was intended for it upon its demise.  I know my head would explode. If the Food Network is like porn to some (and let's not lie, it is), then Turducken is that kind of alterna-porn that you just can't get behind, and this is that horrible, specific niche-type that no-one in their right mind would admit to even looking at, because society would banish them. Sorry for the analogy, but I...I mean, how long would you cook that for, and at what heat?  Where would you even find a roasting pan?  And who first thought, "hey, there's room for a lot of dressing in here...you know what might be better?  A whole chicken"?

JASON: Mitchell has put forth the concept of going to see Madagascar 2 on Tuesday (night?).  How d’you feel ‘bout it?
MICHELE: Sounds like a good plan, since I suggested it to him. Of course, it will be dependent on how organized I am. If I’m up to my arse in laundry and porn, then I’ll have to take a pass
JASON: “Up to my arse in laundry and porn”…if that’s not a great song or album title, I don’t know what is. Animated Liiiiiiooooooons….and he and the Zebra are totally gay for each other. You’re coming to the movie.

MICHELE: you can never have too much autistic Blair
WHITNEY: I was gonna have that put on a bumper sticker, but they said it was in bad taste

SIMONE: Can I open that? (refers to deck doors)
TREY: No, that's a load bearing wall.
LEE: I thought the first stall on the left had the load bearing wall.
BARTENDER: Load bearing wall? Oh, I love it when you use construction speak!
TREY: Want me to sand, prime and paint your bathroom again?

DANIEL: She went through this whole year sober--
ROXY: -ish...

SKETCHY GIRL: Who's doin' the orderin' around here?
BARTENDER: Deedz. You know--tall girl?
SKETCHY GIRL: Oh, Deedz! With the bags, and the bag.
(I couldn't have put it better myself)

TARA 2: How many times do you change in a night? Do you have a room here? (to Avaughna at the ball)
MICHELE: (to Jiminy) No, she doesn't have a room. She just changes in the alley--out there between Bianca smoking dope and Simora giving handjobs: 'Bruce, I need another dress. Simone just made twenty bucks and now this one's ruined!'

LEE: I have to number faghags...and lesbians. I'm sorry but it's hard to tell them apart.
MICHELE: No it's not. It's easy. Say to her: I just want to be friends, and if she cries, she's a faghag. And if she says 'shut up, asshole!', she's a lesbian.
LEE: Oh, is that what I've been doing wrong?
RANDOM GUY: Sometimes we laugh cos it's true.

ABBIE (in the backseat of the car at the drive thru): I want a chicken fuck-fuck!
SABRINA (translating): She'll have a chicken snack wrap.
ABBIE: And a cinnamon fuck!
SABRINA: and a cinnamon twist, please.
ABBIE: And I can't find my pants! Where are my pants!
(she had taken them off for no apparent reason)

CHEY: I wish I smoked so I could be a cool kid.
KRYS: Did you say cokehead?
CHEY: Cool kid!
KRYS: Oh, good, cos we smoke, but we don't do coke.
MICHELE: Yeah, what we do is way more addictive.

MICHELE: Dr Horrible fans are goggleheads Goggleheads, browncoats and Buffy fans
MITCHELL: What are browncoats?
MICHELE/JASON: Serenity fans
JASON: What, Buffy fans don’t get a special name…like Watchers?
MICHELE: Or slayerettes…
MITCHELL: What do you call Angel fans?
JASON: Chubby chasers
MICHELE: Fools if its season 3 or 4
JASON: Fat Boreanaz jokes just never get old.

WILL: “You told me that you were getting so crazy that you were talking to your cats.  Don’t you always talk to your cats?  We talk to our pets all the time, and there’s nothing crazy about that.”
JASON: “Oh, I do always talk to the cats.  What I guess I mean is, I’m getting close to dressing them up in doll clothes and having a tea party with them.  Hypothetically speaking.”

MICHELE: Long day at the office and I think I have gout of the soul…
JASON: That comes from too many rich experiences, I believe.  Your life is too full and awesome, I guess.  Good for you. Better than having a clapped-out soul.

ANDREA'S MOM: "Did you watch the closing ceremonies?"
ANDREA: "No, but I heard they were pretty amazing."
ANDREA'S MOM: "... the fireworks? Man!..."
ANDREA: "Ah, but were they _real_ this time?"
ANDREA'S MOM: "I would think, after they got caught the last time..."
ANDREA: "It's ridiculous! I mean, they're Chinese! They've got fireworks comin' out the wah-xiu!"

"To Schmoo! She looks great for 70!"
(a birthday toast from Anne, Avaughna, Martin and Michele)

JENNY: You're a douchenozzle. It's more delicate than the whole bag
ALURA: And thinner.

ANNE: For the love of God, slap me!
YADA: Don't tease me!

ANNE: These shooters are hitting me hard--WHOO! Martin might get lucky after all.
MICHELE: Not likely; he's still going home with you.

MICHELE: She's like a little fat Zac Ephron
KRICKET: Without the piercing blue eyes.
MICHELE: Or a penis.
(there's a new drag king in town)

KRICKET: For your stepdown he'll give you your jewelry back.
JENNY: It'll still have kitty litter clumped to it.
EVERYONE: Too far!
ALURA: Here's the line, and here's kitty litter WAY over here!
(use your imagination)

MICHELE: It's a pocket for her change. She's a hooker in Regina: 'You gave me a twenty? Here's your seventeen dollars...'
KRICKET: Sixteen fifty, but the two quarters might be stuck together.
(on the Paris Hilton hooker in her hoochie dress with the pocket in the front)

BRIAN: Picture those two together.
MICHELE: Ew!
BRIAN: Each of them with one tooth...rubbing their one tooth together...
THANE: Together they make one good beaver!
MICHELE: Why do you wanna do that to me?

MICHELE: Be nice to the hag, or you won't get any! (on Brian cruising)
BRIAN: Oh yeah, but if you're too nice, then it's like she wants to watch.
MICHELE: Tell her there's a lesbian couple next door whose cat died (see anonymous quotes)

THANE: He calls you Brian A McDonald
MICHELE: He calls you that for John A McDonald, our alcoholic first prime minister.
BRIAN: Just 'cos they were friends...
MICHELE: ...went to school together...
(ooh, ageism...)

THANE: Brian's bed's not the best for me; kinda sags in the middle.
MICHELE: Like Brian himself...

LEE: I'm all about superpowers.
KAYLI: I'm Cosmogirl!
LEE: What's your superpower?
KAYLI: I can drink seven Cosmos...all at once.
LEE: I'm your arch-nemesis, Date Rape Guy! (waves hands over imaginary Cosmos) RUFI!
KAYLI: Oh no! My weakness! <zip> I have to take my pants off now....

LEE: Lesbianism. Is that even a word?
BARTENDER: It is now. Hey, maybe that's your secret power.
LEE: Lesbianism?
BARTENDER: No! the ability to make anything an 'ism'. You know, fascism....beerism...
LEE: Your face!ism...ooh, BURN!

AL: Uncle Al the children's pal...
JASON: That's the poem we weren't allowed to say as kids...

JASON: Was it all romantic, or just because he knocked you up?
MARTIN: Romantic; he even got down on one knee.
MICHELE: And then half an hour later he got up and got the ring.

THOMAS (birdwatching): That's one of the purple martins from out front
JASON: Incidentally, 'purple martin' is what he calls 'it'.
MICHELE: Yeah, there's only one 'purple Martin' around here.

JASON: You'll need to buy ___ a hammock.
THOMAS: There's one over there.
JASON: No, a snatch-hammock. If those two little stitches give way....
THOMAS: You just said 'snatch hammock' with my mother in the room!

ANDREA: A lesbian almost took me out on the stairs.
MITCH: She must like you.
MICHELE: That's how they like to do it.
ANDREA: Head down and barrell forward?
MITCH: Uck, Ick! Ach! Wear a helmet!

NITO: Hey
ABBIE: Hey
NITO: You look white.
DORIAN: You, not so much!

ABBIE: Keep the ticket, you could win a donkey.
DORIAN: Really, we just shaved Patty this week. Throw a saddle on him and you can't tell the difference.

KRICKET: I know what I smell like when I take off my vinyl.
JASON: And also, venison.
(does it help to tell you they were talking about eating Santa Claus? Probably not...)

CRYSTAL: Oh, look at you, girl! (as Breyanna comes into the room with two full plates at brunch)
BREYANNA: Well, you have sample everything.
CRYSTAL: Iknowyou'rebeautiful!

BRUCE: Where's Monique?
BRIAN: MONIQUE!!!
LEELAND: MONIQUE!!!
no answer
BRUCE: I have to give this to Monique. (a hat)
BRIAN: CA-CAW!!!
MONIQUE: (from across the deck) CA-CAW!!!
(Honestly!)

DENISE: SHOOOOOOTERS!!
BREYANNA: Chicken Lady!
DENISE: Seriously, they brought in six plants! And SHOOOOOTERS!!!!
(I'm sure it was making sense to them!)

LEELAND: ...and this is Michele. We love her.
MICHELE: Of course you do. (to new guy) Sorry, I came in half way through that introduction. I'm Michele.
CORY: I'm Cory.
LEELAND: He's from north of Prince Albert.
MICHELE: Well, somebody has to be.
CORY: Nice.
MICHELE: It's okay, Cory, we love our northenders too.
CORY: That's okay. When I'm in Edmonton, they just say "I'm sorry."
LEELAND: Edmonton? Edmonton!

WHITNEY: I would totally fire her ass.
ANDREA: That's because you're an enemy of love.
WHITNEY: I am not! I'm a business woman!
ANDREA: Then why do you have all those 'Whitney Petch; Enemy of Love' business cards all over the apartment?

MITCHELL: We're starting a league now for sure!
JASON: We'll get matching jackets!
(playing Jenga and having cocktails)

WHITNEY: Stealthy and horny.
JASON: The right combination for raping a ninja.
WHITNEY: Why would you go to the ninja place?

JASON: Tranny smurfs?
ANDREA: We're not talking about smurfs anymore.
WHITNEY: Try to keep up.

MIKE E.: She's trying to pass judgement while unconscious.
WHITNEY: I can. (thinks about it a minute) It's not as easy, though.

TROY: Should I be moving or something? (as Brian dry humps him)
MICHELE: Why start now?

PICKLES: Can I have three Canadian-Keiths?
BARTENDER: No, you're cut off.
PICKLES: Okay, then can I have one Canadian-Keiths?
(what the hell is a Canadian-Keiths?)

a few minutes later...
PICKLES: Can I have a pint.
BARTENDER: You're cut off. Come back in an hour and we'll see.
PICKLES: I can't believe you guys threw my friend out.
BARTENDER: We didn't kick him out--he was unconscious--we carried him out.
PICKLES: oh yeah....can I have a beer?

ten minutes later...
PICKLES: It's been an hour. Can I have a beer?
BARTENDER: It's been ten minutes.
PICKLES: You said come back in an hour and now you won't give me a beer. Can I have a quarter for off-sale?
(huh?)

five minutes later...
PICKLES: Has it been an hour now?
BARTENDER: It's been fifteen minutes. See the clock? Come back when one of the big hands is on the ten.
PICKLES: As long as you don't throw me out, it's all good.

MICHELE: I thought he was riding side-saddle
JASON: 'I'm a princess and I'm kicking Nazi ass!
THANE: Look, no chafing!
(You'll never watch Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade the same way...)

BRIAN: (to Cameron) You're still talking.
MICHELE: (about Cameron) And without consonants--who knew?
THANE: What's that about incontinence?
BRIAN: Did you say he's incontinent?
THANE: It Depends...

ROXY: Were you popping steroids between game one and game two?
THANE: No, but Whitney did.
(Bowling for dollars)

THOMAS: Everything here is gluten-free.
JENNY/DEREK: This is awkward, but I really like gluten.

ROXY: Hi honey, how are you?
MARSHALL: I'm fine. How are you?
ROXY: I'm drunk. How are you?
(this game can go on for a while)

BARTENDER: Southern Comfort?
MARSHALL: (deciding what to drink) Oh no!
BARTENDER: What have you been drinking tonight?
MARSHALL: Gin, vodka...
BARTENDER: Oh, those girly clear liquors.
MARSHALL: I'll have another gin and tonic...hey, gin is not girly!

GERRARD: You haven't heard of a sperm-burping ditchpig?
JASON: They usually say it behind my back.

GERRARD: Someone's gonna get laid.
THANE: Yeah, cos this is me, and that's exactly what I'd do!

THANE: I wouldn't take anyone home to that skank hole!
BARTENDER: Aw, come on--you could roll around in the Girl Guide cookies!

JASON: You can't harpoon a panther.
MITCHELL: Why not?
ANDREA: Because it's a panther!
MITCHELL: Well, if I said 'shoot it with lightning', you'd say you can't shoot everything with lightning!

WHITNEY: Drunk Whitney makes up good games!
ANDREA: Yeah, too bad those oranges didn't work out.
(sounds scary)

WILL: Shane and my dad filled the tub with flowers. How gay is that?
ANDREA: No gayer than two dudes getting married.
JASON: Touche.

WHITNEY: Our first date, he was in a dress.
WILL: Well, one of you had to be.

GWEN: My sister asked if I wanted a heated towel rack and I said no, just get a mountie in red serge to hand me the towels.
MICHELE: You'd never leave the tub. Five minutes later you'd be all, like, "I'm dirty again!"
WHITNEY: You'd probably get a lesbian.
GWEN: I should be more specific.

MICHELE: Tell Dorian what you promised.
CHAD: I promised not to say 'boob-knocking donut-bangers in front of their parents.
MICHELE: And what are you going to say instead?
CHAD: Bacon.

LEE:(singing)...real American Hero...
DORIAN:(singing)...dum da dum! More than meets the eye!

LEE: Transform, damn you!
DORIAN: Into brunch!
LEE: A buffet!
DORIAN: Screw Optimus Prime, I want the Brunch Transformer!

DORIAN: Rev is short for Revin-Kaatchin-Itchin-Flammin...
LEE: A rare but classy STD...

LEE: (under the heater with cold feet) Can I just turn upside down?
MICHELE: Not yet.
LEE: But the night is still young.

WHITNEY: They turned me over, filled me with fluid and took a picture (talking about an internal xray)
MICHELE: (to Jason) The turkey baster didn't work, what made you think that would? (not talking about an internal xray)
WHITNEY: It's clear fluid, but apparently it refracts light, or something.
MICHELE: Like having sex in a disco.

WHITNEY: It's the most natural thing...I mean, what you guys do is natural too, but this is the most natural...
MARTIN: A snatcheral thing.

ANDREA: We own this room, we can do whatever we want! (on clearing out the dining room at brunch)
JIMINY: Let's decorate!

JIMINY: He used to troll Davy street, hiding behind a newspaper.
MICHELE: Porta-potty, Stanley Park, 'nuff said.
JIMINY: I know, I have friends....
MICHELE: And now he's banging some dyke to make babies.
JASON: If by 'banging' you mean standing on the other side of the room with a turkey baster, covering his eyes...
MARTIN: Aim high! Aim high!
WHITNEY: I knew we were doing something wrong.
Celebrity gossip

ROXY: You've been around for like, twenty five years, have you ever seen one?
MICHELE: What?
ROXY: An ambulance.
MICHELE: uh...yeah, once or twice.
ROXY: At INVESTITURES?

EMPEROR: Is protocol almost done?
MICHELE: Yes.
EMPEROR: Because we need the table.
MICHELE: Oh. I guess I'll just leave then.
EMPEROR: Okay.
(Feeling the love part one)

PRINCE: Are you still using that table?
MICHELE: No. Daniel said he needed it so I told him I was leaving.
PRINCE: Good.
(Feeling the love part two)

MICHELE: What did you say?
LEE: Donna
MICHELE: Oh, I thought you said her name was DONE!

MITCHELL: I wish I could Etch A Sketch that one away.
KATHLEEN: Turn him upside down and shake him
MITCHELL: Mama already did that last night.

KRICKET: Just so you know, we're not a couple.
MITCHELL: What? Not a couple? Three years of my life! Agh!!

ROXY DIVA: I didn't puke in your car.
DANIEL DELISSIO: Because I pushed you out.

MICHELE: When did Crystal Clear turn into Brent Butt?
JASON: Corner Gas--what you hear when she's working.

KERRY: The only thing left over from year four is that gin!
DREW BLOOD: And a deficit.
MICHELE: Oh no, dear, you're thinking of year 15.

JENNY TALIA: My vagina's on fire!
JASON: You should have used the cream.

ANNE: Oh, I just remembered what skirt I'm wearing so I won't bend over.
ANASTASIA: On a clear day you *really* can see forever!
ANNE: Just 'cos you moved to Calgary doesn't mean you have to be mean to your old Aunty Anne!
ANASTASIA: It wasn't mean, it was a testament to your bran intake.

ANNE: It's raining; my pussy will get wet!
ANASTASIA: There's a Visine for that!

MITCHELL: What happened to the gum?
CRAIG: I left it in my other jeans.
MITCHELL: See, I gave it to you so we wouldn't lose it, and you lost it.
ETHAN: We're open until two--go home and get it.

MICHELE FROM NEBRASKA: You were discussing phonics with the Princess from where?
KEVIN: I was making friends in other realms....
(yes, it's a euphamism)

MICHELE: I hear the tip of your penis is pretty.
CHUGAR: Oh yeah, it's a wonder of the world.
MICHELE:Yeah, people look at it and wonder...

MITCHELL: Have you ever been on a cruise ship?
RYAN: No, I've only been on a ferry...

KRICKET: So much for the catsuit after dinner. (complimenting the chef)
MITCHELL: There's still time to throw up, dear.

MITCHELL: Tip me!
MICHELE: Hit you?
RAYMOND: Get a coat hanger!
MITCHELL: I'm not pregnant!

KRYS STYLES:"You two could finally rub tummies!"re: Chad and Brian
BRIAN: Or rub bums (awash in a sea of bottoms)

JOE: I just got to sleep and they decided to move the dumpster.(presumably outside the apartment)
KRICKET: I know; they dumped it at my door at seven am! (referring to Brian in the hallway)
MICHELE: I was going to ask did they wake you up when they tipped you over? (she wins!)

LOUISE: Who text messaged Blair?
NEAL and WHITNEY: Michele!

SHANE: The cripple wore him out!
MITCHELL: Four times the cripple wore him out!
(on Brian tricking with the hockey player with the broken leg)

MITCHELL: I think he has a soft spot for him.
MICHELE: Or a hard spot.
MITCHELL: Or a wet spot.

WHITNEY: After fourteen years you're not having sex anymore anyway.
DORIAN: Good luck with that, Jason.
JASON: I'll still have my IPOD.
MICHELE: You'll still be paying off your IPOD.

MONIQUE: I'm so confused!
DORIAN: Alright, take a drink.
BRIAN: Brian is loving this!
(see Brian's Sociable Rules)

DA-LING: I don't usually perform...
MITCHELL: In public!
MICHELE: On stage!

MEGAN: I'd give you my broom, but you already have wings, ya fairy!
DORIAN: Well, it's better to float over the pavement than crack it!

GODIVA: Hello, muffin. And how are you today?
PHIL: I was a little cranberry-lemon earlier. Now I'm just kinda bran. Ya know.
GODIVA: Crappy for you.

WAITER: We'll start with the lady.
GODIVA:  Wow, no-one's called ME a lady for ages!
URETHRA: Too bad we're not in Saskatchewan. They've got a word for you there.

GODIVA: I have an important announcement. I had my first hot flash Thursday. Good thing I didn't lay in supplies.
URETHRA: You could use them to light the barbecue!
ANGELO:  Tampon burning at Sherry's!

JEREMY: I almost joined the navy because they'd give me a bonus course of my degree..
DONALD: You just wanted to be stuck in a tube with a bunch of 'sea men'
DORIAN: It was either that or a fertilization clinic...

JEREMY: I can make it rain!
LEELAND: I can make it rain!
DONALD: I can make it rain!
ALL: RAIN!
(torturing the Emperor)

MICHELE: (hosting) What's beyond excited?
JASON: Finished early?
WHITNEY: An apology?

CHYNA: They're hairy hairy polar bears (chad and brian)
DORIAN: Stroke their hair right and you'll get a gingham pattern...

DORIAN: Shalom means peace, like Salaam
MITCHELL: So Salami means peace roll...put your roll in my peace
DORIAN: Shouldn't it be  put your piece in my roll...

DORIAN: OMG I'm not in face! Quick I need to make out with a made up whore!
MITCHELL: Da-ling!
DORIAN:  No! a tasteful whore!
THANE: Tasteful or full of taste?

CHYNA: you're a butch bear until you talk
BRIAN:  grr...bitch...

DORIAN: Daiborja!
CHYNA: *slap*
The Ukrainian Slap Dance

MITCH: I slept with the Prince last night...and two large ham and pineapple pizzas!
PRINCE: The pizza is complimentary when you sleep with the prince.

JAIMIE: Abbie was dancing with a lobster named Mark.
TODD: Of course she was.

CHAD: You say 'ew!' to that, and you were making love to a chair!
TATIANA: The chair was making love to *me*!

BRIAN: You deflowered me in front of everyone.
ROXY: Your flower was wilted.
ANASTASIA: At least it was better than Nada--all you got there was potting soil.

ANNE: Why do I feel like we're in some horrible science fiction show?
JASON: That would be the mutants, dear.

ANNE: when um am and for you um am...
MICHELE: Whu uh?! Sit down bitch, you're not speaking English!

ROXY: Next year I'll be the Grandma Empress
JASON: Look at her, all pretendin she doesn't know how a walker goes...

DORIAN: You've never seen Cabaret?
MICHELE: Go on; say it; you know you want to...
DORIAN: GET OUT!

MICHELE: XF is the great love of my life, the one I'll compare everything else to for all my days. TS is my dirty affair, where anything goes and it's all sexy.
MICK: What was Buffy? A one off? A hand job in a dark alley?  Hooker in a taxi?
MICHELE: A combination of Joss Whedon's writing and lust for Anthony Stuart Head.
MICK: This is me going off the curb again.
MICHELE:  Not Anthony Stuart's head. I think Buffy was a rebound f**k. After CC's bad continuity, I turned to the guy who mentioned a one off line from season two in season seven.

DORIAN: It's psychologically traumatic--could you lose your penis?
JASON: No, but then the only thing ever trapped inside me is a super hero...and NEVER a hamster!

SKETCHY WOMAN: It's illegal for you not to give me water!
MITCHELL: It's illegal for you to steal my drink!
SKETCHY WOMAN: I didn't steal it....I just took it and drank it....

DONALD: I wonder how long he'll circle out there.
MICHELE: Brown curly hair?
DONALD: Yeah
MICHELE: Nobody out there?
JASON: Nope.
(a few minutes later)
MITCHELL: I hate you guys.

SHANE: You need ten quotes to get your own page.
WILL: All right--the game is on! Can they all impune Brian?

MICHELE: In seven days, it will have been ten years.
SHANE: Oh, lady! Since you--
BRIAN: I haven't sucked cock in--
WILL: Nine hours--and that little Filipino man thanks you.
MICHELE: I didn't know if you were mocking Brian, or bragging about Shane.

DORIAN: You've got your light-up dildo, and your canary, and you're good to go!
MICHELE: Oh, so you've dated Trixie Pan Am?

TOY ON TV: Meow
THANE: Meow!
JEREMY: Well, someone's in heat!

GODIVA:Thaw the fucker out!
GREG:Sit on it if you have to!
(on more red velvet cake at Salsbury House)

DORIAN:If I eat all this, I'll throw up and then I've wasted everything!
JOE:Certain tactical losses are acceptable.
(more red velvet cake discussion)

NEAL: Who's your Daddy?
MAKAYLA: Anita!

DORIAN: Cheese is dense.
MICHELE: We should stitch that on a sampler--words to live by--cheese is dense.
MITCHELL: What about Pense?

JASON: Every time a land mine clefts a palate...
MICHELE: an angel gets it's wings!
(I think you had to be there)

MITCHELL: Most annoying person ever!
THANE: No, you are!
MITCHELL: I'm endearing!
THANE: You say endearing, I say annoying
(let's call the whole thing off!)

BRUCE: ...they have bling bling by the truckload--I should know, I married one.
MITCHELL: a drag queen? Or a truckload?

CHUCK: I picked the hardest name so that everyone would get it wrong (on his title)
DORIAN: What? Chuck?
MICHELE: You got it in one, honey.
CHUCK: They're cute when they're autistic.

GERRARD: Where's Trixie when you need her?
JASON: We'll find out when we need her.

DORIAN: (on Roxy's cooking skills) What does day old crack and a Mentos taste like?
CHINA: And a cigarette butt
DORIAN: Oh, Trixie brought dessert?

WHITNEY: I think your hat's too small
JASON: I think my head's too soft.

WHITNEY: Do you think I usually wear clothes that hide my rack? (on the comments she got on her rack on Saturday)
MICHELE: No, it's just that usually your blouses are higher cut, so you can still see them, but not the way you could on Saturday.
DORIAN: You don't usually dress like a 'ho!

DORIAN: Those North Battleford queens...
MICHELE: They're hardcore!
JASON: They don't exactly have a Mac counter there, so they have to make do with Home Hardware.

JASON: The splitting of the Adam, if you will.....turning the hot dog into the bun....
THANE: A punched in rubber ducky!
(Ah, Thailand needs more surgeons like you alls)

MICHELE: I think Jim should be in that outfit.
MITCHELL: I think no one should be in that outfit.
THANE: I think I've seen YOU in that outfit.
MITCHELL: I don't know what you're talking about.

WHITNEY: Is that Mitchell's Grandmother's G-String?
JASON: Tastes pretty much like I imagined it would...

DEEDZ: Hi 'ho
BRIAN: hey!
SHANE: He doesn't charge.
BARTENDER: Get out of my head.
DEEDZ: oh, right. Hi, slut!
BRIAN: hey! oh, hi.

China: So clean your box and we will pick you up at 6:20pm.
Crystal: I’m not cleaning my box for you guys.
China:  I want it so clean I can see Korrie’s face in it.
Crystal: Gee, I was not expecting THAT kind of birthday party.

China: He’s mine I touched him.
Korrie: He’s mine I saw him first.
Crystal: I don’t care whose he is, I'm gonna sit down on him.

China: He’s mine I named him.
Crystal: Again, I don’t care cause I have squatters rights.
Korrie: Squatters have rights after 30 days.
Crystal: I’m prepared to wait.

CHAD, CLAUDIA, SABRINA and everyone else at Winnipeg's Coronation:
Big black Tranny on a Bus!
Big black Tranny on a Bus!
Bless my soul and Oh my Lord
Big Black Tranny on a Bus!
(The Christina Dior theme song)

CHAD: (on Trixi's outfit) Look at you all multitextured with the jean and the shirt--you're like an extreme home makeover edition of an outfit
DORIAN: (reaching into a pocket) I know Ty Pennington's in here somewhere.

ABBIE: Is it wrong that I want to eat one of these drumsticks now and one when we get home?
JAIMIE: Is it wrong that my pants don't fit?
ABBIE: At least we have each other.

TODDY: of course...her lesbian lover got her wet for me
DORIAN: mmmm revved up lesbian....

SCHMOO: I'm not coming tonight.
KERRY: Neither is Clint!

MITCHELL: I need a drink for me and wifey.
KERRY: Okay, what do you need for slut and whore?
(obviously a different wifey than me *L*)

ABBIE: That's what I want is a vespa to ride my girlfriend around the pride parade.
DORIAN: You need a motorcycle with a side car!

Barkley: God, I am so glad rodeo comes once a year, I think that my liver would kill me if this shit was more than once.
Jay: Shut up you whiner, and finish your drink.
Barkley: I just....
Jay: *shaking fist in mock threat* I said finish it!

Mike: Oh honey, you're so delicate. Like a flower.
Barkley: *burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp*
Mike: Like I said, you remind me of a stinkweed.

Stupid straight girl in hotel elevator: Hey nice cowboy hat, whats the occasion? (which, as an aside, was the DUMBEST question ever, seeing as how there was ARGRA rodeo info in the lobby AND the elevator)
Barkley: (insert awkward pause, while I de-snatchify my response) It's homo hoe-down weekend. Really, that in itself ought to explain the hat.
SSG: Gotcha.

Barkley: Turn the Patsy Cline on, Jay.
Jay: Hell no. I turn Patsy Cline on and this campsite is gonna be knee deep in wrinkly old homo.
Mike: Oh, what, up until now, y'all were only ankle deep?

Mike (to Barkley, Tom, Neil, Dan) When we all see Jay, we gotta mess with his head. Go up to him and say 'You are a beooooootiful butterfly' See what he does.
Barkley to Jay: You are a beoooootiful butterfly
Jay: I'm gonna fuckin kill Mike.

Barkley (after walking up to friend from online that he's never met before) Hey Craig, how's it going?"
Craig: "Uhm..... *pause* have we slept together before? I forget your name if we did, and I apologise"

Written on a chalkboard in the Calgary Eagle washroom "Montana Tom is hot. Ask me how"
Fifteen minutes later, on the patio
Stranger
:"Are you Montana Tom"
Tom: "Yes"
Stranger: "I'm supposed to tell you you're hot. The chalkboard told me"

TODDY: I'm gonna go with this table; you seem more couth.
DORIAN: We're couth, we just can't spell it.

DORIAN: I Can't Believe It's Not Panther...
MICHELE: Panther...Lite....

KRICKET: The D doesn't stand for decaf.
CHUGAR: It stands for "Dat's coffee!"
MICHELE: No, it stands for 'Don't give it to Chyna.'

SABRINA: Are you wearing a jockstrap backwards on the outside?
CHUGAR: Shut up you're old and fat!

MONIQUE: Wow, Michele, your voice has changed (when Dorian answer's the Goddess' phone)
KRICKET: Yeah, it's so much higher.

CHUGAR: Who's got Crisco? Where's the Crisco?
SABRINA: Where's the taco nut?
KRICKET: I've got pineapple.

KORY O'GRAPHY (sp?): I teach.
TREY: What do you teach?
KORY: I teach hair.
MICHELE: Cos teaching people is too hard.

MICHELE: What are you doing?
ABBIE: I'm breast feeding your koala--what does it look like?
MICHELE: Breast-feeding my koala? Is that code?

JENNY: you look like 'Vaughna with those glasses.
ANASTASIA: Oh, why, thank you! I've been drinking since--WHAT? You c**t!

CHUGAR: (singing) Ain't no sunshine when she's gone....
MICHELE: I have that effect on some men....

MICHELE: No judging! No judging!
MITCHELL: I thought that was just at your house.
MICHELE: You're right--he fucking sucks!

DORIAN: I can write with my boobs! ASDT...
TODDY: No! QWERTY!

MITCHELL: (at the wedding) Where's the 'dum dum de dumb?
KRICKET: Which ones are you referring to?

SCHMOO: The umbrellas aren't big enough.
KRICKET: I'm dry; I guess I don't have a problem with that.
(skinny bitch, eat something!)

MICHELE: He reminds me of you, but with more show tunes.
JASON: More show tunes? Fuck. I'm gonna have to go back to HMV. He probably knows all those new showtunes, too. Me, I'm an old G&S, Lerner & Lowe, classical Sonheim fag.
MICHELE: He knows all those, too.
JASON:That horrid little man. Well, he's not going to be the only gay in the village soon. No, indeed.

DORIAN: I'll bottom for that!
MICHELE: Thanks, Blair, I knew we could count on you!
DORIAN: I've never hit you before and I love you, but I may have to hit you now.

DORIAN: Drunk and cold cuts--what more do you need?
MICHELE: yay for cooking chicken tonight!

KRICKET: How are you, Drunky McDrunkerstien?
DORIAN: I fell out of the shower.

KIM POSSIBLE: What movie do you think would end with us driving into the sunset?
TODDY: Thelma and Louise.
YADA: Maybe more Armageddon...or Alien

ABBIE: (in Irvine) We spruced up in that gas station.
YADA: Because nothing says good make up like a truck stop.

ABBIE: (swerves to avoid ditch) Whoop!
YADA: Not really words you want to hear from the driver.

SHANE: I spent all day hungover and puking.
SHANE'S MOM: Isn't that the only time I see you?

THOMAS: Shut up, Dutchie! I can see you doin' the math over there!
KIM POSSIBLE: She can't do math...unless it's in thirds.
CARMEN: She can't even shower with her eyes open.

CHAD: Do it! (Abbie and Kim kiss) Now exchange bacon.
KIM POSSIBLE: We already exchanged bacon.
(a brunch commitment ceremony)

ABBIE: Me and the Dutchie have been drunk since like 2!
DUTCHIE (aka Dorian): What did she say?
CHAD: She said you look lovely tonight, dear.
DUTCHIE: That's good since I have been drinking since like 2.

YADA: Did she say Ladies and Venom?
TODDY: I heard Ladies and Bananas
(Alma, check your batteries!)

ERNIE: My first bitch!
NEAL: And I did it!
ERNIE: More beer!

ERNIE: You're second in the fourth set.
MICHELE: Sure.
NEAL: That's Schmoo; she's Michele.
MICHELE:  The other fat chick.
ERNIE: More beer.

DORIAN: Does Yada have razor burn? No, she was just trying to eat chicken right out of the fryer again.
ANONYMOUS: I never have to worry about that--by the time I get to the shower, the chicken's already cooled off.

WAITRESS: Mitchell got the mimosa, the cake and half the brunch.
CHYNA: Oh, thank you
WAITRESS: Oh, don't thank me; I wouldn't have done it for you.

CHYNA: Miss Water Retention 2006!
YADA: Mrs. Culligan!

DORIAN:I'd like the fifteen piece bucket, extra skin.
YADA: Yes, extra skin, I'm doing a facial later...

CHUGAR: He looked like a champion shovel fighter.
SYMARA: What did the loser look like?

Chugar "Look! A Dead Deer!....oh, you missed it..."
Chugar and Kricket "Look! Another Dead Deer!"

JUSTIN: I know his type
GEOFF: My type?
MICHELE: He has a type?
JUSTIN: Does it have a penis? That's his type. Does it put its bum in the air? That's his type.

THANE: I'm afraid that if I take a shower I'll fall asleep and drown
DORIAN: Plus there's no bannister to hang onto.

TROY: Can I put my meat down?
ANG: No meat for me, thanks!
(possibly talking about snacks...)

THANE: You should see the one from Saturday night (meaning the video he shot in S'toon)
ABBIE'S PARTY GANG: That better not be from the bathhouse!

ABBIE: I feel better after that puke!
DORIAN: Aw, I feel like a cheerleader getting her second wind.

DORIAN: ooh, who's that?
ABBIE: Oh, yeah, he's just ten minutes over nineteen.
DORIAN: If he had a masters degree, I'd have to pounce!
ABBIE: I think he's gonna get a bursary just for walking in!

DORIAN: I'll just hold your legs up. But if Kim walks in....
ABBIE: She'll say 'she can't be having sex with him, she's just got her head under the ice cream machine.

ABBIE:(singing) Tiny hooker...
ANASTASIA:(picks up the verse) Meth addicted hooker...where's your tooth? No one knows, tiny hooker....

JODI: Was I here last night?
ABBIE: No.
JODI: (yells to friends) I wasn't at the gay bar!

ABBIE: He looked like he was about to do some bitch slappin'; I thought, 'better you than me!'
ANASTASIA: So I'm Imperial Grand Dutchess of plexiglass?

JOE: I need a boy to pick on.
MITCHELL: And by pick on you mean take home and take to bed.
JOE: Not necessarily home....and not necessarily a bed...
MITCHELL: Chair, floor...
ANONYMOUS: Back alley...
MITCHELL: Loras Bin...

JORDAN: God I love creme filled donuts.
JAMIE: I bet they're hard to make...
BARKLEY: Yeah, the carpal tunnel syndrome hits you after the 4th or 5th donut.
JORDAN: I think I just lost my appetite
JAMIE: I can just picture Barkley over at timmy's..... stroking away.... What's it take? 4 sessions per donut?
JORDAN: Oh, that was TOO far.

ASHLEY: I had a husband....
MARLO: Arent you eleven?
BRIAN: (laughing) Oh, jeez, write that down!

ABBIE: (hung over) Why didn't you cut me off?
JAMIE: I did....twice...both times you just looked at me and said "Look, WHORE...!"

BILL: Who would marry an obsessive-compulsive anyway?
URETHRA: I don't know, maybe the sex was good.
BILL: Well, yeah, but it would be the same every time.

DORIAN: Only Michele can kick me out for my age.
ABBIE: Michele! Dorian doesn't know the words to Mamma Mia!
MICHELE: Get out.

MICHELE: Does it taste like soap?
SHANE:  No, but it doesn't exactly taste like food, either.
THANE: Why don't we just eat it in the bathtub.
MITCHELL: I just want to know where it should go.
SHANE: It's Beast spooge!
THANE: I say we still tell Mitchell it's edible!
(on the mystery Advent gift)

ABBIE: Samiches!
JAIMIE: Samiches!
GEOFF: Samiches!
DORIAN: Samiches!
IN UNISON: Samiches!
LARRY: Uh, five samiches, please.
(see Cocktails page)

TODD: ...BAM!
TROY: Did you just bam?
TODD: BAM! I'm addin' some spices!

MIKE: I need someone to suck my--
JAIMIE: LA LA LA!

BARKLEY:I'm not retarded, just drunk.
DORIAN:Yeah, but you're from rural Saskatchewan; we have to talk slow.
BARKLEY:Don't bring up that rural Sask shit.
BARTENDER:We shall not speak of it again. But if there's a divorce in your family, they'll still be brother and sister.

(Testing the cordless microphones at the club)
SHANE: you should see if it works in the lounge or on the deck.
TROY: You're just trying to get rid of me.
GEOFF: Yeah, so go try it at Trifons
TARA: Why don't you see if it works in Saskatoon.

GEOFF: I'm a Mormon; I just converted.
TROY: I converted a Mormon once

DORIAN: You look like that guy--
MITCHELL: Powder?
KRICKET: Three powders, maybe...

LOUISE:Don't vote off Brandon; he's hot
MICHELE: Plus he can hack through rope.
LOUISE: Yeah, you never know when that might come in handy.
SHANE: Yeah, if the safe word doesn't work.

ELAINE: Don't you make me come over there.
SHANE: Don't you make me put down my purse!

SHANE: Oh, Mary...
ELAINE: My name is Elaine....he just called me Mary.
LOUISE AND MICHELE: He calls everyone Mary.

BRIAN: Ang is still here? I thought she went home with that girl.
MICHELE: You mean that girl? (points at Ang's date standing less than five feet away)
BRIAN: Oh, shit.
THAT GIRL: I'll just go now.

Betty: I met this guy from South America who went to Spain and bought a German car and shipped it to Canada and it cost him seven thousand dollars.
Godiva: How did he get here from Venezuela?
Dave H: How old was the bus driver?
Betty and Karen: Venezuela???
Godiva: SNF !!!

TRIXIE: I decided to be nice for a whole week.
MICHELE: So you didn't go out at all?
SHANE: And what week are you going to choose?

KERRY: (congratulating Kim Possible) I'm here for you.
MICHELE:(congratulating Kim Possible) He's here for you.

DONALD: I have some friends who checked in and I was wondering what room they are in.
DESK CLERK:  Would that be the Princess of Winnipeg in her cape?

MICHELE: Okay, which one of you pretty ladies wants to take me home?
EVERYONE: *...*
MICHELE: Don't all jump in at once!
ABBY: Hmmm, who wants to take Michele home?
MICHELE: Well, it's me or Yada.
ANG: Me! Me!

DEEDZ: Oh, are you taking a Spanish class?
ANG: (sarcastically) Si!
A few minutes later....
DEEDZ: Huevos Rancheros. That's farmer's eggs.
ANG: I thought they were the ones with salsa.
TOGETHER: La cucaracha, la cucaracha....

JAN: You can dig it out, or you can suck it out.
MICHELE: I think you just described his sex life.
(on Brian trying to scoop a bug out of his beer on the deck last night)

LEELAND: I may have to switch teams half way through (on playing pool)
GAYLA: It's what you did in life, don't do it in pool.

YADA: Isn't "man-tits" a fish?
BRIAN: What?
BARTENDER: Yeah, it's a--
YADA: That's a manta ray.
GEOFF: No, that's a man-ta-tee--it's a fish.
ZAK: Actually, it's a mammal.
YADA: It's like a-a-
GEOFF: Mantatee.
BRIAN: Stamina.
BARTENDER: It's a sea-cow.
ZAK: Yeah, a sea-cow.
BRIAN: Sea cows have man-tits?
YADA: So you're a sea-cow.
BRIAN: Hey! Okay.
(doesn't it make you just want to come visit?)

THOMAS: You can be replaced by a blender, you know. (to Shane)
LEELAND: Or upgraded.

MICHELE: The word is stamina (on sleeping with eighteen-year-olds)
GEOFF: It's not stamina, it's that they just keep going and going.

KRYS: I think we ought to name all the big cities after body parts. Like St. Catharines, it could be scrotum.
KEVIN: Yay scrotum!
KRYS: And Regina, well, that's obvious.
GODIVA: Mangina, of course.
CRYSTAL: I prefer guy-gash.
KRYS and GODIVA: EEEEEEWWWWW!   

Shane: Oh! Look at that house! I want to live there! (pointing to old, dilapitated house along  Trans Canada highway)
 Deedz: You could have the only Crack-Whore house in the area!
 Shane: I said *I* would be living there....not Brian!
 Deedz: Oh yeah...right!
 Brian: Hey!

BRIAN: Are you bussing tonight?
DEEDZ: Shut the fuck up! Yes.

BRIAN: You can grab my tits.
DEEDZ: This may come as a surprise, but I don't want to grab your tits.
BRIAN: Can we spoon?

BRIAN: I'm not that cheap!
THOM: Yes you are!
BRIAN: Okay, maybe I am.
MICHELE: Maybe?

MITCHELL: No poking, no prodding, no peeing!
SHANE: It's like he's having sex with them.

TONY LANE-BARR:  I heard the yell from here!
URETHRA: Yeah, that's when the guy slammed on the brakes...OMIGOD...fat chicks running
(Regarding chasing down an ice cream man)

DEEDZ: That beer goes down as smooth as Troy!
CUSTOMER: Does Troy go down before the beer or after the beer?
TROY: I go down *for* the beer!

JIMINY LICKIT: Well, hello, Gary Coleman!
PHIL THEE I'm not black.
JIMINY LICKIT: Hello, Michael Jackson.

LEE: That's our Shane. No, wait, that's your Shane.
BRIAN: No, that's your Shane.
MICHELE: Well, I know that's not my Shane. My Shane wouldn't have said sorry.

SCOTT: Freddy likes it with lots of head.
SHANE: And he likes his beer foamy.

CRYSTAL: We're going to health and beauty.
GODIVA: Who what now?
JOE: Crystal's going to beauty, Shmoo's going to health.

BRIAN: Sammy, you got underwear on?
SAM: Yes. Yes I do.
DEEDZ: Whose?
SAM: I don't know.

MICHELE: Shape of big twinkie!
SHANE: Form of strap on!
IN UNISON: Wonder twin powers, activate!

AMANDA: Zip it! I haven't even started the story yet!
CHELSEA: And I'm still trying to catch up.

BRIAN: Didn't there used to be a wizard for Alpha Bits? Why is there a computer now?
SHANE: The wizard made the computer I think, and then he just took over.
LEE: The computer gave the wizard a virus. That was his downfall.
SHANE:And by virus I mean....
SHANE and LEE together: Syphilis!.
LEE: ...get outta my head....
    -birthday hijinx

DREW:   It's the full moon tonight, isn't it?
GODIVA: No, it's tomorrow. I've got plans. Things to burn, pots to stir.
JIMINY: Yeah, me too. Things to burn, shit to stir.

MITCHELL: I'm every woman....(singing)
JULIE: You sound like Helen Reddy
KRICKET: And you look like Linda Vaccaro

BARTENDER: "Don't come home a drinkin' with lovin' on your mind."
MITCHELL: is that a real song?
KRICKET: And cum on your breath.
MITCHELL: Are those the real words?
BARTENDER: Honey, I love you.

FRED: You look different tonight (to Patty)
PATTY: Yeah, well, I washed my hair.
FRED: ....
    (hygeine...it's a good thing)

GODIVA:   Now, *there's* a drama queen.
JIMINY LICKIT: With a capital "druh".

GODIVA:  Hey, a little sympathy here!
ANGELO DE'ATH: It doesn't bother me when *you* cry, but when other people cry ....

SHANE: Come here, Tim; I wanna take a picture of your crotch.
TIM: With or without the pants? (starts undoing pants)
BRIAN: Tim, undo your tuck.
KRICKET: He already has.
Just another Saturday night in the gay bar....

BRIAN: Sometimes when I'm drunk I am so stupid!
CORY: Sometimes when you're not drunk you are so stupid!

TARA: This is for the beautiful women in the corner...
TROY aka Mama Rose: Thanks!
GEOFF: She said 'in' the corner, not 'on' the corner...

THOMAS: You're cut off!
KERRY: You've been peeking!

KERRY: Vicki's thing isn't working!
BRANDY: And her light's broken, too!

THOMAS: I'm Anne Whatsittoya, Empress 13 of Regina and all of Saskatchewan!
EVERYONE: Fuck you, Anne!
(love at Calgary's coronation)

DEEDZ: Were you out drinking?
HENRY: ...yeah...I'm not even wearing my clothes...

BARTENDER: It's nice out, I wonder why he's wearing that hat.
Miss B. Haven: 'cos he's ugly.
BARTENDER: I thought it was so he would reflect in the headlights of the cars cruising the park

SHANE: Give this to Michele; she needs a one-liner
DION: A one nighter? She needs more than a one nighter!

DEEDZ: I said you're the 'salt of the earth', not an 'insult to the earth'!
FRED: Pretty soon I'll be the crust o' the earth!

BRUCE: The more you drink the prettier they look. I know, I've been married for sixteen years.
SAM: and he's been drunk everyday!

MICHELE: Do you want the recyclables in the bathtub?
AVAUGHNA: No, just throw them in the bathtub.

URETHRA: Don't be bitter because you chose the wrong God.
PHIL THEE: Don't be bitter because your God's DEAD!

DAVID (Godiva's son): Catty bitches! Y'all's catty bitches!
ANGELO, EVON, URETHRA, GODIVA:  Thanks!

PHIL THEE: Mary!
GODIVA: Suzy Q!
PHIL THEE: Shirley Q! I need some liquor!

BARTENDER: Nice boobs.
MARACHINO CHERRY: Thanks, they're from Vegas.

SWISHY TWINK: (to Crystal) Are you the queen?
CRYSTAL: Well, sort of.
DUDE WALKING BY: I'd say *he's* the fucking queen!

SHANE: I just haven't had time to fit you in.
BARRY: Oh, honey, anyone can fit Shane in!

LUIS: Are there anymore sausages?
BARTENDER: Yeah, but they're cold.
LUIS: That's okay, I'll eat 'em and pretend that they're hot.
(sounds like my last date!)

ANNE: <Auntie T> just backed into me!
SHARON: They don't make headlights for cars that old.
ANDREA: Nope. Back then they were just candles behind glass.

HANS: I like Drambuie because you can taste the heather!
BARRY: I knew a girl named Heather once...didn't taste anything like her.

FAKE WHITNEY: Holy shit, I am SO boxed (meaning drunk)
JOEL: You're not boxed til you have me inside (not meaning drunk)
FAKE WHITNEY: EWWW! (needs no explanation)

DENISE: Samosas and what else? Samosas and what else?
GAIL: What?
DENISE: Tell 'em what's Indian.
(maybe you had to be there, but it was drunkenly funny at the time)

COREY: What colour is the sky in your world today?
STEVE: Raspberry...red raspberry! BBBBBBLLLLTTT!

ELAINE: Turn the cushion over!
LOUISE: Use a towel!
(both reading from Martha Stewart's new book, What to Do With A Dirty Couch)

MICHELE: You're bright
TYLER: Yeah, not like Harley...oh, hi Harley, I didn't see you sitting there.

SHANE: You have to put a quarter in me.
BERNIE:(sitting on his lap) I hear you'll be putting 1/4 in me, if the rumours are right.

BARTENDER(to customer with wandering hands): If he were a fifteen year old girl, you could be arrested!
COREY: But I'm a thirty three year old with love handles!

TYLER: Do you have anything that needs going down?
LARRY: Yeah, me.

BARTENDER: It's all about the juicy tip.
RANDY: (chokes on drink)
BARTENDER: You had to think about that one, didn't you?
RANDY: I didn't have to think, I just had to swallow.

THOMAS: I have a hangover
BRENT: No, that's a comb-over, doll, there's a difference.
 

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