Clever
Banter
a game
for two or more players....
Jason: (About the announcement of the new Pirates of the
Caribbean
4 Trailer) "Mitchell, you can prepare to pee yourself now"
Mitchell: "Very cool;
now remember perspective. On a scale of 1 to Pee,
Storm being Pee and Het Sex being 1, a new ‘Pirates’ would score, oh…
say a 6.5."
WHITNEY: Oh, and once again,
not a fan of bamboo
MICHELE:
Alright, ya big tease, tell me
the bamboo story!
WHITNEY: Not really a story,
just upset that your bamboo plant isn't getting
better. I've tried lots of water... no water... half
water... Nothing works!
MICHELE: I
think Mitchell dealt it a
mortal blow…
WHITNEY: I dunno,
I feel like it may have been struggling, but I
accidentally held my hand over it's nose and mouth while trying to give
it the
heimlich. Or something.
SHANE: That
was not a child that came
from
love.
THOMAS: That was a hate-fuck.
MITCHELL: A heat fuck?
SHANE: Ungh! Ungh! Yeah, that was angry.
MITCHELL:
I'll help decorate, if I'm
not
busy...unless I hate you.
GERRARD: I'm, uh, colouring my hair....the
same colour....
MITCHELL: Only richer! I'm doing it for
you....for your show....
GERRARD: Look how thoughtless--uh,
thoughtful
I am
WHITNEY: I
have no idea what we're
doing
tonight. Hopefully something that doesn't involve baking.
Or
mixing. Or anything to do with Cool Whip.
JASON: I was going to say something
utterly,
um, horrible in…defense…of Cool Whip™, but let’s not.
JASON: Still,
while it might not be the
best thought that the first drink named after me is a Girly Drink, it’s
probably somewhat appropriate...Shut up.
TERRY: Uh huh. Yup. Penetrating Gummy
bears… There is far more going on here then girly drinks. I heard the
Fedorchuk
Fantasy was a gay porn flick with dwarf wrestlers in pudding and an
assortment
of fetish gear. Either way, I’m mildly disturbed.
JASON: Oh, I’d say you’re more than Mildly
disturbed. You’ve obviously got that confused with your Fantasy of
Fedorchuk.
JASON: So,
last night, Whit and I wound
up talking about women’s fashions and the screwed-up nature of the
sizing
they use. As she explained again that the sizes have actually
changed
from the past (Marilyn Monroe was apparently a 6, whereas by today’s
standards
she would be somewhere around a 14 – 16), she said that it was “all
[our]
fault”, referring to, of course, men*. After a moment of thought, a
theory
crystallized in my brain: it’s not all men’s fault. My best guess
is, sometime back in the day, some gay ol’ Fashion Designer had a huge
falling out with his hag, and decided on the spot that his revenge
would
be that she would be double her size. And bang, within a handful
of months, the sizes had all changed.
“Oh yeah? Well, you’re a size sixteen now, girl!”
“What? I am NOT! I am, at best, an eight.”
“Not after I’m done changing the size paradigm for the entire clothing
industry.”
“You wouldn’t DARE.”
“Just watch me…fatty.”
And there you have it.
MICHELE: No, I suspect that somebody in
the designer jean business around 1972 outsourced their garment tags
and
what should have been a size 8 became a 18 through sloppy stitching....
JASON: I didn’t know Affinity was in
business
that long.
WHITNEY: My day is going swimmingly.
JASON: So…sarcastically swimmingly, then?
MICHELE: Swimmingly, you know, like
you do....in a sharktank....
WHITNEY: Sort of exactly like that.
Or possibly swimmingly like a beach front resort over spring break with
a massive swarm of pirannahs. In 3-D.
MICHELE: I like the shark idea
better--then
John Barrowman can come by and tell me how to relax....
WHITNEY: Oh. No. Noooo.
:-P Blergh. Worst...line...EVER!
MICHELE: Better he should do his
'relaxing'
with Scott, and then have me over for cocktails later....Look at me,
all
talkin' like I know him heh heh
WHITNEY: Amen to that! And we do
know him. He's come to TV how many times now?
JASON: If the man can do a show where
he has to upsell the World’s Lonliest Woman and her all cat rock band,
I’m sure he could be our friend.
JASON: There's
supergay....
WHITNEY: That's hypergay
MITCHELL: This is like the Zonda of gay
right here!
(ah, Jenny Talia, we love you so)
WHITNEY: I may
or
may not have just ordered part of your Christmas present online.
MICHELE: Mail order
bride? Online porn? oh wait, that's free
WHITNEY: Mail order
bride? Dammit! You guessed! Guess I'll have to call
Paulina
and tell her you don't need a tall Russian. *sigh* NOW what
can I get you?!
WHITNEY: That
sounds
good to me! I'm looking forward to seeing the last of the
rum/gin/beer/wine
soaked drunkenpalooza turns out. Also, James' liver. I'm
curious
as to how THAT is going to turn out.
JASON: James’
liver, I’m sure, will turn *inside* out. But Oz will be a donor
match,
and give half of his to save James’ life. It is there, in
recovery,
that May will realize that Oz is in love with him, and they will retire
together to the countryside where they will open up a Winery with a
racetrack
on the opposite side of the acreages. Clarkson will be the minister;
Hammond,
the flower girl, and TGD will bear the rings. The Stig, of
course,
will drive the limo, which will be half Hummer and half Boeing 747
(you’ll
believe a car can fly…until it doesn’t), and for the Honeymoon, they’ll
do a series on all of the Rums of Jamaica. Or the Tequilas of
Mexico
.
WHITNEY: I
LOVED Mad Johnny Baa
Lamb!
It made me laugh too.I'd totally watch it. The staggering around
looking stunned… always funny. Right Jason?
JASON: It is how I start my days.
MICHELE: Watching the staggering or doing
the staggering?
JASON: Sadly, doing. I don’t wake
up very well. I’m sure I told you the story of when I was a
teenager,
and I was asleep one morning when no-one else was around, when suddenly
the phone rings, and I get up and try running to get it (because you
get
three rings before the voicemail kicks in).Well, I didn’t get there
before
three rings, because I managed to hit the hallway wall and fall
over.
Twice. Mmm…awkward teenage years.
MICHELE: and by "awkward teenage years",
he means last Tuesday.
JASON: I’m young at heart, thank you very
much. Heart, and centre of gravity. And sense of humour. Heh.
Farts.
Heh.
JASON: I was
too busy placing the
killshot
right between the eyes of the Troll King last night.
MITCHELL: Is that code for sex?
WHITNEY: Nope, he's just a total nerd!
MICHELE: More importantly, killshot is
good, but did you manage a double tap?
BRIAN: The
first one I'm doing is "I
Don't
Hook Up."
MITCHELL: For those of you who are new
here, that's irony.
CHYNA: Stay
away from me!
MICHELE: What's he gonna do, sign you
to death?
CHYNA: (signing furiously) He'll slap
me but he'll explain it to me first.
MICHELE: Dunno
how true it is, but it
sure
would be funny to see! On his chat show, Clarkson, he caused upset to
the
Welsh by placing a 3D plastic map of Wales into a microwave oven and
switching
it on. He later defended this by saying, "I put Wales in there because
Scotland wouldn't fit."
MITCHELL: THIS SURPRISES?! The ‘straight’
guy hits on a teeny bopper gay boy, frequently starts fires, leaves his
mates stranded on roadsides, introduces the rabbit as gift of the year,
bashes the ins and outs of the auto industry daily, attaches a car
motor
to a blender and a boat motor to a truck and again I ask THIS
SURPRISES?!
It’s a wonder he didn’t rig the microwave with a twin turbo V10 before
putting the map in it only to set it atop a water feature to be
launched
into the air only to land on a recently raised shed.
MICHELE: Oh my God! You sound like James
May--all that was missing from that rant is for you to call him a
great,
stupid pillock!
MITCHELL: “It will be the worst car as
long as there is breath in our bodies”An associate walked up to their
rep
and myself. To which the rep asked her, “did you need me?”
To which she replied “No, I need the guy who knows everything” Three
cheers
for being one step closer to being James May a-la Scully!
MICHELE: What
I learned today so far:
Myofacial
pain disorder is the most common disorder involving the
temporomandibular
joint area. Cheers.
JASON: Hard to tell if you’re being
sarcastic,
or if you’re truly excited at the possibilities this raises for your
writing.
MICHELE: I'm loving the language
of this place, seriously! And this, just before lunch: No benefits
shall
be payable for or on account of any services resulting from any
intentionally
self-inflicted injury or disease, while sane or insane.
JASON:
Whitney had a weird interview
today;
she’ll tell you all about it tonight, I’m sure, but there was supposed
to be some scenario roleplaying in there, and they never did it.
MICHELE: maybe they thought offering
roleplay
during an interview would be creepy
JASON: I’m not sure if you’re serious,
or if that was an hilarious, dirty comment. I choose the latter.
MICHELE: I was serious--it's creepy
(picturing
some chick wearing a clown mask and asking Whitney to pretend she's a
unicorn....)
Okay, kinda funny too.
JASON: I’ve been picturing that since
we started dating, but she’s never gone for it.
ALICIA: She
was a royal c**t, excuse my
language.
GWEN: It's okay, I don't mind the word
'royal'.
CHEYENNE'S MOM:
Do you have your
cellphone?
CHEYENNE: Yeah, why?
CHEYENNE'S MOM: So you can call your
sister
when we get there.
CHEYENNE: Where's yours?
CHEYENNE'S MOM: She's dead, Jim.
CHEYENNE: XD!!(laughing)
CHEYENNE'S MOM: ...shut up.
MICHELE: I am
pleased to report....That
8 weeks after I have arrived in Decatur, three weeks after I have
completed
my training class and 7 days before I leave, ATT has graciously allowed
me to have the password that gives me access to the trainer guides for
the curriculum.For my next trick I’m going to enter a room full of
poison
gas without a hazmat suit!
MITCHELL: Unless you are Juggernaut; I
wouldn’t recommend it. Now that I have accidently thrown that out
there…if you in fact ARE Juggernaut, we need to talk!
MICHELE: The only difference is I don’t
have the snazzy helmet….
MICHELE:
Juggernaut is not magical in
that
good Merlin way, though….
MITCHELL: Sooooooooo Truuuuuuueeeee
soooooo
GOOODDD!“You should not have killed my friend!” EEK!
MICHELE: I think you just fangirled
Merlin!
MITCHELL: Where
did your husband go?
WHITNEY: I don't know--listen for his
bell.
JASON: I can
finally unclench.
DORIAN: Please don't.
MICHELE: If
all else fails, be sure to
give 'em a verse of "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me"
ANDREA: Or you could do like Hugh Grant
and play/sing a heart rendering version of Killing me Softly, singing
with
your eyes closed. Oh wait, he got an apple to the face for that one I
think.
JASON: Or I could be like Heath Ledger,
sing “I can’t take my eyes off of you”, followed by this thing where
I’m
like Heath Ledger, and I say, “Why so SERIOUS?” and then I shank
someone
and do a little dance. Probably not the best way to go, but if the role
calls for it…
WHITNEY:
People everywhere have a sick
sense of “let’s try this 8 month old beaver intestine that we’ve had
sitting
in a barrel buried 6 feet down this old sewage pit”. Ick.
Also,
why would anyone try that once?! I get if someone had, in the
past,
tried something that made them throw up, and now think it’s funny to
tell
their friends, who of course are drunk, “No, go on. It doesn’t
taste
as bad as it smells, honest,” whilst snickering gleefully to
themselves.
But who was the FIRST person to decide, “That piece of rotten whitefish
soaking in lye, well that looks positively nummy”? WHO?! I
refuse to believe that anyone could be that poor or hungry. I
think
I’d rather starve. Or at least eat people. For some odd
reason,
I don’t find the idea of chowing down on a fellow plane crash victim
nearly
as off-putting as taking a big old bite of P'tcha, which is explained
thus:
“Buy a cow's foot in a butcher shop, chop it up and cook for hours
&
hours in water with spices, garlic, salt, pepper, etc. It is a good
idea
to evacuate the house during cooking time to avoid the overwhelming
smell.
Then pour this mess into a large flat pan and refrigerate. It sets to a
nice translucent grey jelly with a layer of fat on top.”
MITCHELL: Thanks for that. Now I
never want to eat again. You ruin everything.
WHITNEY: I try! Hey, maybe we can
cuddle while watching the movie!
MITCHELL: “Oh my gawd you’re so annoying!”
JASON: The whitefish, for example,
shouldn’t
be rotting in the lye. As I understand it, the lye is supposed to
keep the lutefisk (gag) about as preserved as you can get for long,
hard
winters, and many months of Viking sailing expeditions. It’s
probably
also partway to blame for their being so ornery. English pies, which
often
come in the “steak and kidney” or “brain and kidney” variety are a
direct
result of their ancient need to use all parts of the cow (not sure if
they
make grey-hoof-fat yuchho or whatever it’s called, but there you have
it).
Scotland’s terrain and weather have to take some of the blame for
Haggis.
Cold, damp weather, however doesn’t explain kilts, and nothing really
explains
away the Caber Toss, except for cheap Scots using it as an excuse to
give
a log to their kid for Christmas as a “home Caber Toss kit”
(potentially
deadlier than lawn darts).French people eat snails? … They
were either desperate or just plain gross. I know for a fact that
they once had the option of eating cake, and apparently none of them
went
for it. They just kept eating snails and cutting of the heads of
the upper class.
Some cuisine may be the result of happenstance. Maybe they forgot
they’d put the beaver intestine down there in the first place, and
after
the set amount of time, remembered it was there, rescued it, and then
for
whatever reason, tried it out and, even more mysteriously, liked
it.
More likely, though, is that this kind of thing is a result of
historical
Patriarchy, where one guy says to another, “dude, thou hast GOTT to
Trye
thys! Verily, it is most repugnante!” and the other fellow tries
it, not wanting to looketh like a greate wusse. Then there is
much
eye-watering and table banging, and a third dude gets called over, and
it just spreads.
Eventually, it just becomes accepted that you need to eat the gross
thing, and no-one questions it, when a Matriarchy would’ve just had the
good sense to throw out whatever it was and make the Queen consort take
her to a nice restaurant instead.I’m sure half the truly gross items
out
there are failed attempts by disgruntled servants and assassins to
poison
the King.Now, having said that, I can think of no good reason for half
of what you’ve read about, and if I were a duck, I’d migrate *around*
the
bloody Philippines, where there is less than no accounting for taste,
especially
when modern life should allow for a Fuddrucker’s there somewhere.
MITCHELL: I am now a vegetarian either
way.
MICHELE: Oh yeah, a vegetarian until
those
ten Revs kick in: ”Lets have BURGERS!” “Burgers? Are you drunk?”
“Maybe...click
click” “I know it’s three in the morning and you’re drunk but didn’t
you
say you were a vegetarian?” “I hate you you ruin everything...how about
chicken?”
MITCHELL: Oh my gawd!!! Why do you
always have to be right??!! Whitney you are off the hook, Michele
ruins
everything!!!
MICHELE: Now if by “ruins everything”
you mean she “rocks like a big rocking thing and god only knows what
we’ll
do without her for ten weeks”, you’d be right.
JASON: I
believe that this week, as
busy
as it’s been, has disproved that time is a constant. It’s slowed
down to a crawl, or has possibly even ground to a halt.
MIKE E.: It's Stephen Hawking's fault.
He gets sick and the entire space/time continuum starts to fall apart.
ANDREA: OMG. Yes. Yes. Yes. The Mother
flippin’ week should be over. Now...I, for one, am very concerned about
his condition.But some day (hopefully not for awhile now) when he does
pass away, I really hope he donates his body to science!
JASON: I like
meat, and not leaving the
house.
MICHELE: You and Ianto Jones.
JASON: But in totally different
ways.
Is it bad I don’t even blush anymore? Oy. Besides, I can look at
a Pizza Delivery Girl without crying. Well, anything other than tears
of
gratitude.
BRIAN: I was
told not to be so 'rammy'
MICHELE: Rammy? Is that even a word?
KRICKET: It is in Brian's house.
MICHELE: I
don't know how you did that
without him falling in!
BRIAN: I have a 2x4 in the bed.
YADA: Coffee tables are our friends.
KRICKET: A phone book!
YADA: A booster seat! And a burger king
crown!
JASON: And I
will be sad when I get my
cardboard cutout a diet coke and it gets all soggy and mushy and
disintegrates
in my arms like so many failed robot girlfriends in nerd fiction.
MICHELE: No judging on cardboard cutouts
(eyes suspiciously-life sized 8x10 of Ianto Jones sneakily).
MICHELE: I've
got the timtams, you
bring
the hobnobs...oh, and something nice in yellow crayon maybe.
JASON: Awwww…were you going to destroy
the world? I guess considering yesterday’s debacle, I shouldn’t
be
surprised. You were probably aiming for just Tokyo , but if you
see
the rest of the planet as acceptable collateral damage…Just don’t
destroy
the world. And when you’re around for Christmas, 2009, you can
even
come over to my place and I’ll do the snoopy dance. Now with more
eyepatch! How did I end up Xander in all of this?
MICHELE: Hey, being Xander isn ' t so
bad. At least you ' re real. And you get to have sex with Spike. So
would
that make Whitney Spike? She was certainly the Big Bad at the airport
yesterday
(with less pee threats than me, however) I somehow wound up as the
buffybot
in another conversation, and since Spike slept with the Buffybot, I
think
maybe Whitney would have to be Willow (sweet counterpart to my "kill
you
all in your sleep" badness, but you don ' t want to mess with her)
instead.
Does this make Mitchell Angel? Or Andrew?
MITCHELL: Storm, it still makes
me storm. Hehehe and 10 points for being consistent.
JASON: We all admire the strong, black
woman you are, Oprah Angelou. Well, now I’m confused. If Whitney
is Willow , would that make me Oz because I’m offbeat and cool, or Tara
, because I’m insecure and hippy? I’m not sure I’m comfortable with my
wife being even a metaphorical lesbian, really. And in no way, shape or
form am I Kennedy. In my universe, she is dead.
MITCHELL: Well let’s see, Oz is musically
inclined like you, and quick witted like you, a little sappy like you;
however Tara on the other hand is a lesbian, so Tara it is! Hahaha oh
my
god I am so funny! That’s for cryptically calling me a freak!
MICHELE: No, you can still be
Xander--you're
just the
dirty-touching-Willow-when-Spike-kidnaps-you-season-three-Xander
JASON: Wasn’t one of them mostly pierced
by a piece of wood at that point? Oh, wait. That was Cordelia. Is
anyone here Cordelia? Alright, then. I can be two-eyed, amoral
Xander,
and Whitney can be cheating-on-a-werewolf Willow. All of which makes me
feel like I’m participating in way too elaborate and kind of freaky
roleplaying
MITCHELL:
Best game EVER
MICHELE: I don't think it's the best game
ever. Ianto says naked hide and seek is the best game ever. And if it
is
the best game ever, how did we lose Whitney 30 emails ago
JASON: She is either asleep or has
sensibly
assigned us all a “spam” designation. I would have done the same.
MITCHELL: She probably got smart and found
a better more productive, less mind numbing use of her time than
yammering
with us.
WHITNEY: I'm not bored, or asleep, but
you all are hurting my brain!
JASON: I am
happy to hear that amidst
the
insanity one of us is firmly planted in reality!
MICHELE: Reality is vastly overrated,
isn't that right, Ianto?
JASON: Even if he’s your imaginary
boyfriend,
you should never ask someone to rate reality who actually has a
Pterodactyl
as a pet, and dates an immortal Broadway-singin’ Man of Action ™.
They would tend to have a different view of reality, I think.
WHITNEY:
...air-con. I don't think I'll
ever call it anything else now. Maybe it's too hot here to use the
whole
word.
MACKENZIE: Maybe they charge by the
letter.
MICHELE: Not to be confused with Con-Air,
which is something completely different.
MICHELE: OMG
you must go to chapters
and
buy me this issue—not for the comic so much as the GDL interview as the
cover alone from this article has made me soil myself a little and make
an ‘eep’ noise….
JASON: And what’s with that cover
quote?
“We crank it until it explodes”? eep, indeed.
MICHELE: See? Not just me! Besides, after
that trailer, I’m still eeping every time I think about it.
JASON: Beeeeeeelieve
it or not,
You’re both flying home
From the Asian Pacific Ri-i-iiiiiiimmmm
Flying away in a day and a week,
Whit’s guy is a freeeeeeak,
But normal or not, please hug hiiiiiiiiimmmm
WHITNEY:That was amazing. And
frightening.
Please never do it again. And do it all the time.
MICHELE: Your karaoke kung fu is the
best….skadoosh….William
Katt filled out red tights better, though….
JASON: His stunning blond Jewfro
just went better with the outfit, that’s all.
MICHELE: Well yeah, we all know white
man’s ‘fro is my kryptonite….
MITCHELL: “Penny” knock knock knock
“Penny”
knock knock knock “Penny”
JASON: I thought that was White Man’s
Tears.
JASON: It’s
juuuusssst
One week ‘til you’re home with me,
Hopefully we’ll be all warm and sunny,
I know that you think I’m lame,
But you’re gonna be glad to see me all the same.
SEVEN! <jazz hands>
WHITNEY:Oh my god you’re brain sharing
with Michele from across the world!
MICHELE: I’m
very pleased to announce
that
I got my first coaching in four years today for sleeping at my desk.
I’m
so proud.
JASON: You were sleeping at your desk?
For some reason, I find that awesome.
MICHELE: Not so much awesome as common.
I just usually don’t get caught
MITCHELL: You fell asleep at your
desk???
My my my my my you need a good cuppa mitch poured coffee!!
Hahaha I know I’m lame it’s true!!
WHITNEY:It’s not that you don’t get
caught,
because you do, but it’s that *I* am usually the one to catch you!
JASON: Why haven’t you been coaching her
all this time?
MICHELE: Why
don't
you dip your fruit in this yucky sauce?
WHITNEY: I think
no, and I think I will poke you with this green spiky thing.
(poking ensues)
WHITNEY: I think
it's just pineapple leaves, but pokey
MICHELE: It's
dangerous;
it's garnish with intent.
WHITNEY: They
taste
like fish.
MICHELE: They taste
like styrofoam.
WHITNEY: They taste
like styrofoam that someone has rubbed a fish on.
MICHELE: They
taste good.
WHITNEY: And like
fish!
JASON: They’d
just better not surprise
me with a dead Ianto.
MICHELE: Nobody wants to be surprised
by a dead Ianto…
(ironic foreshadowing)
MICHELE:
Whitney's drinking red tea;
she
says it's the cat's ass!
WHITNEY: Well, the cat's ass to the cat,
anywats. I actually LIKE drinking this stuff, and I don't think I could
say the same for the other.
JAE: wonder where the phrase "cat's ass"
came from anyway. Doesn't sound like it should be something good. its
weirdly
old fashion now too - i'm updating it now, and it will go something
like
"this tea is some sweet cathole..."
MICHELE: *anywats*? Whatchoo talkin'
about,
*Whtiney*? I guess I should have said it was the bees knees...
WHITNEY: shut up your face.
JAE: Now Bees Knees - There's another
one of those sayings. Is that little bee on his knees a lot? A bit
whorish
if he is then, hey? Dirty little bee.
MICHELE: You have to watch out for those
dirty bees--you never know when one will be buzzing around your
cathole...
JASON: I'm glad that a photo of my wife
at work has devolved into a discussion of whorebees 'round the cathole
(the title of my next album, I think). The red tea looks interesting,
whether
it's some sweet cathole or the whorebee's moneymaker or whatever.
Anywats
is the New Segue; use it or be left behind. We will have given it to
"rap
music" by March, and it will be in Oxford by June, 2010. Anywats est la
bonne meme frais! Surrender.You have been warned.
JAE: I'll SO be using "whorebee's
moneymaker"
when describing something good. That, and "Hooker's cookie" will be the
new classics.
MITCHELL: Hookers Cookie? So it's Kerry's
then?
JAE: anywats, i think we killed this one,
but we made some really good progress in evolutionary english. I love
making
this language harder for people to learn. You may want to introduce
some
of these fun, family oriented colloquial messes to your new found
fillipino
friends.
MICHELE: Oh yeah. I'm teaching them
sarcasm
even as we speak
MITCHELL: and we are all going to hell...
WHITNEY: The
Century Egg. It’s a
hard boiled egg that they bury in a hole for 3 months, dig up, and feed
to some unsuspecting tourist. Apparently it’s a delicacy.
Suuuuuure
it is! It’s a trap, I know it. They had it in one of the
dishes
at the Chinese food restaurant we went to for lunch at 4 this
morning.
Once again, one of those, “what were they thinking?” things!
JASON: I believe you’re misunderstanding
the phrase “tourist trap”. At least it’s hard-boiled first.
Not sure what the intervening three months in the ground does to it to
make it taste…like a delicacy. Did you eat it?You should
tell
them that you’re capable of burying your own eggs, thank you very much,
and if they’d like to visit, we have a delicacy that we feed to
tourists
where we leave a Tupperware container full of spaghetti in the back of
the fridge for three months…
MICHELE: They were following the old
adage
“it’s always in the last place you look” Somebody wanted an egg for
breakfast,
and couldn’t find it. Three months later, having found the damned
thing,
the guy looking, presuming he hadn’t died of starvation or boredom,
sure
wasn’t going to let it go to waste…“Eyes watering…stomach churning….not
going to waste delicious egg…”
MITCHELL: Too far Deedz!
Hehehe
blech!!!!
MICHELE: Stay
away from the century
eggs.
MITCHELL: Stay away from the eggs, hell
I am going to bury 4 in your floor boards of your apartment so they’ll
be nice and ripe for each of us to have one when the two of you get
home!
JASON: He’s like a cat with a dead bird,
folks. In a related story, I will not be visiting your apartment until
August…
TYRA: I
used to have a fringe
dress
like that.
JASMINE: Ya, but the carwash needed it
back.
TYRA: (upon
learning that China got
free ballet classes at her new work) Did you sign up for your class
yet?
CHYNA: Ya, I signed us both up for the
big girls' class.
TYRA: Oh, are we playing the hippos
in Fantasia again?
CHYNA: No, that class was full.
But congratulations, you've been cast as the iceberg in Titanic the
Ballet.
WHITNEY: As
far as I can remember, and
that’s about as far as I could throw a house these days, we don’t have
anything on tomorrow. And if your Shane is ok, we could still
have
pizza around him. Maybe we could even include him!
MICHELE: Okay, let me get this
straight—you
remember as far as you can throw a house. So how far is your memory
then?
This sounds like something that should be on a Japanese note pad: Your
memory is as far as a house of thrown.
WHITNEY: Oooh, I like it!
Now if it were only paired with a constipated looking bear….
JASON: Mitchell’s would say “I am to be
liking the Physics neuroses with the not touching”. Seriously.
You
should see his desktop.
MITCHELL: Now remember ladies, do not
tell these kinds of jokes when you are in the Philippines.
WHITNEY: Apparently I won’t be able to
tell any jokes. I’ll be jokeless. Full of the lacking of
jokes.
JASON: Oh, baby…you’ll still have the
jokes. Those duck-munchers might not *get* the jokes, but you’ll
still have ‘em.
WHITNEY: Also, Mitchell. Your
tagline
is large and too black. (not in a racist way, shut up your
face)
you should make your tasteregina thing gay and rainbowy, like Jason's.
THANE: I made
a fool of myself!
EZRA: I make a fool of myself every
night!
MITCHELL: Hello
WHITNEY: You didn't come over here to
say hello, you came over here to steal my wine.
MITCHELL: A little of both. But I'm cuter
when I'm drunk.
TROY: Should
I buy him a drink?
MICHELE: Couldn't hurt.
(twenty seconds later...)
TROY: What does he drink? Should I buy
him a drink?
MICHELE: Why not? He can't get stupider!
WHITNEY: I
have slug butter at home.
THOMAS: What?
WHITNEY: Slug butter.
THANE: Oh, I thought she said
'slut-butter'.
We usually call that KY.
JASON: It's
like the exquisite Russian
Dolls of cuisine. Also, I kind of want to vomit now.
JESS: Vomit with joy, right? Vomit with
yearning?
JASON: Desire. Pure, unholy desire,
summoned from a dark and unused part of the brain best left unlocked. I
don't even think the Two Fat Ladies would've attempted *that*, and I
once
saw them make a "Four Meat Meatloaf" with a bacon crisscross on the
top.
There was almost certainly heavy cream in there somewhere, too. But
this?
This is too much. I'm sure that Bacon-wrapped Turducken was one of
Lovecraft's
Elder
Gods, wasn't it?
JESS: The unholy bacon-wrapped Thing
Which
Must Not Be Named...?
BRANDI: Ah...but you are forgetting the
ultimate turducken...the Father of all Evil...
(http://chomposaurus.wordpress.com/2008/06/07/the-ultimate-turducken/)
JASON: I don't even know what to
say...it's
like a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a puzzle...wrapped in a
question, stuffed in a logic problem, crammed in an equation, forced
into
a mystery, thrust violently into a conundrum, wrapped in some crossword
puzzles and ultimately sewn...into a very large Turkey. A turkey that
probably
died when it was shown a diagram of what was intended for it upon its
demise.
I know my head would explode. If the Food Network is like porn to some
(and let's not lie, it is), then Turducken is that kind of alterna-porn
that you just can't get behind, and this is that horrible, specific
niche-type
that no-one in their right mind would admit to even looking at, because
society would banish them. Sorry for the analogy, but I...I mean, how
long
would you cook that for, and at what heat? Where would you even
find
a roasting pan? And who first thought, "hey, there's room for a
lot
of dressing in here...you know what might be better? A whole
chicken"?
JASON: Mitchell
has put forth the
concept
of going to see Madagascar 2 on Tuesday (night?). How d’you feel
‘bout it?
MICHELE: Sounds like a good plan, since
I suggested it to him. Of course, it will be dependent on how organized
I am. If I’m up to my arse in laundry and porn, then I’ll have to take
a pass
JASON: “Up to my arse in laundry and
porn”…if
that’s not a great song or album title, I don’t know what is. Animated
Liiiiiiooooooons….and he and the Zebra are totally gay for each other.
You’re coming to the movie.
MICHELE: you
can never have too much
autistic
Blair
WHITNEY: I was gonna have that put on
a bumper sticker, but they said it was in bad taste
SIMONE: Can
I open that? (refers to
deck
doors)
TREY: No, that's a load bearing wall.
LEE: I thought the first stall on the
left had the load bearing wall.
BARTENDER: Load bearing wall? Oh, I love
it when you use construction speak!
TREY: Want me to sand, prime and paint
your bathroom again?
DANIEL: She
went through this whole
year
sober--
ROXY: -ish...
SKETCHY GIRL:
Who's doin' the orderin'
around here?
BARTENDER: Deedz. You know--tall girl?
SKETCHY GIRL: Oh, Deedz! With the bags,
and the bag.
(I couldn't have put it better myself)
TARA 2: How
many times do you change in
a night? Do you have a room here? (to Avaughna at the ball)
MICHELE: (to Jiminy) No, she
doesn't
have a room. She just changes in the alley--out there between Bianca
smoking
dope and Simora giving handjobs: 'Bruce, I need another dress. Simone
just
made twenty bucks and now this one's ruined!'
LEE: I have
to number faghags...and
lesbians.
I'm sorry but it's hard to tell them apart.
MICHELE: No it's not. It's easy. Say to
her: I just want to be friends, and if she cries, she's a faghag. And
if
she says 'shut up, asshole!', she's a lesbian.
LEE: Oh, is that what I've been doing
wrong?
RANDOM GUY: Sometimes we laugh cos it's
true.
ABBIE (in
the backseat of the car
at
the drive thru): I want a chicken fuck-fuck!
SABRINA (translating): She'll
have
a chicken snack wrap.
ABBIE: And a cinnamon fuck!
SABRINA: and a cinnamon twist, please.
ABBIE: And I can't find my pants! Where
are my pants!
(she had taken them off for no apparent reason)
CHEY: I wish
I smoked so I could be a
cool
kid.
KRYS: Did you say cokehead?
CHEY: Cool kid!
KRYS: Oh, good, cos we smoke, but we don't
do coke.
MICHELE: Yeah, what we do is way more
addictive.
MICHELE: Dr
Horrible fans are
goggleheads
Goggleheads, browncoats and Buffy fans
MITCHELL: What are browncoats?
MICHELE/JASON: Serenity fans
JASON: What, Buffy fans don’t get a
special
name…like Watchers?
MICHELE: Or slayerettes…
MITCHELL: What do you call Angel fans?
JASON: Chubby chasers
MICHELE: Fools if its season 3 or 4
JASON: Fat Boreanaz jokes just never get
old.
WILL: “You
told me that you were
getting
so crazy that you were talking to your cats. Don’t you always
talk
to your cats? We talk to our pets all the time, and there’s
nothing
crazy about that.”
JASON: “Oh, I do always talk to the
cats.
What I guess I mean is, I’m getting close to dressing them up in doll
clothes
and having a tea party with them. Hypothetically speaking.”
MICHELE: Long
day at the office and I
think
I have gout of the soul…
JASON: That comes from too many rich
experiences,
I believe. Your life is too full and awesome, I guess. Good
for you. Better than having a clapped-out soul.
ANDREA'S MOM:
"Did you watch the
closing
ceremonies?"
ANDREA: "No, but I heard they were pretty
amazing."
ANDREA'S MOM: "... the fireworks? Man!..."
ANDREA: "Ah, but were they _real_ this
time?"
ANDREA'S MOM: "I would think, after they
got caught the last time..."
ANDREA: "It's ridiculous! I mean, they're
Chinese! They've got fireworks comin' out the wah-xiu!"
"To Schmoo! She looks great for 70!"
(a birthday toast from Anne, Avaughna, Martin
and Michele)
JENNY: You're
a douchenozzle. It's more
delicate than the whole bag
ALURA: And thinner.
ANNE: For
the love of God, slap me!
YADA: Don't tease me!
ANNE: These
shooters are hitting me
hard--WHOO!
Martin might get lucky after all.
MICHELE: Not likely; he's still going
home with you.
MICHELE:
She's like a little fat Zac
Ephron
KRICKET: Without the piercing blue eyes.
MICHELE: Or a penis.
(there's a new drag king in town)
KRICKET: For
your stepdown he'll give
you
your jewelry back.
JENNY: It'll still have kitty litter
clumped
to it.
EVERYONE: Too far!
ALURA: Here's the line, and here's kitty
litter WAY over here!
(use your imagination)
MICHELE: It's
a pocket for her change.
She's a hooker in Regina: 'You gave me a twenty? Here's your seventeen
dollars...'
KRICKET: Sixteen fifty, but the two
quarters
might be stuck together.
(on the Paris Hilton hooker in her hoochie dress with the pocket
in the front)
BRIAN: Picture
those two together.
MICHELE: Ew!
BRIAN: Each of them with one
tooth...rubbing
their one tooth together...
THANE: Together they make one good beaver!
MICHELE: Why do you wanna do that to me?
MICHELE: Be
nice to the hag, or you
won't
get any! (on Brian cruising)
BRIAN: Oh yeah, but if you're too nice,
then it's like she wants to watch.
MICHELE: Tell her there's a lesbian couple
next door whose cat died (see anonymous quotes)
THANE: He
calls you Brian A McDonald
MICHELE: He calls you that for John A
McDonald, our alcoholic first prime minister.
BRIAN: Just 'cos they were friends...
MICHELE: ...went to school together...
(ooh, ageism...)
THANE: Brian's
bed's not the best for
me;
kinda sags in the middle.
MICHELE: Like Brian himself...
LEE: I'm all
about superpowers.
KAYLI: I'm Cosmogirl!
LEE: What's your superpower?
KAYLI: I can drink seven Cosmos...all
at once.
LEE: I'm your arch-nemesis, Date Rape
Guy! (waves hands over imaginary Cosmos) RUFI!
KAYLI: Oh no! My weakness! <zip> I
have to take my pants off now....
LEE:
Lesbianism. Is that even a word?
BARTENDER: It is now. Hey, maybe that's
your secret power.
LEE: Lesbianism?
BARTENDER: No! the ability to make
anything
an 'ism'. You know, fascism....beerism...
LEE: Your face!ism...ooh, BURN!
AL: Uncle Al
the children's pal...
JASON: That's the poem we weren't allowed
to say as kids...
JASON: Was it
all romantic, or just
because
he knocked you up?
MARTIN: Romantic; he even got down on
one knee.
MICHELE: And then half an hour later he
got up and got the ring.
THOMAS
(birdwatching): That's one of
the
purple martins from out front
JASON: Incidentally, 'purple martin' is
what he calls 'it'.
MICHELE: Yeah, there's only one 'purple
Martin' around here.
JASON: You'll
need to buy ___ a
hammock.
THOMAS: There's one over there.
JASON: No, a snatch-hammock. If those
two little stitches give way....
THOMAS: You just said 'snatch hammock'
with my mother in the room!
ANDREA: A
lesbian almost took me out
on
the stairs.
MITCH: She must like you.
MICHELE: That's how they like to do it.
ANDREA: Head down and barrell forward?
MITCH: Uck, Ick! Ach! Wear a helmet!
NITO: Hey
ABBIE: Hey
NITO: You look white.
DORIAN: You, not so much!
ABBIE: Keep
the ticket, you could win a
donkey.
DORIAN: Really, we just shaved Patty this
week. Throw a saddle on him and you can't tell the difference.
KRICKET: I
know what I smell like when
I take off my vinyl.
JASON: And also, venison.
(does it help to tell you they were talking about eating Santa
Claus?
Probably not...)
CRYSTAL: Oh,
look at you, girl! (as
Breyanna comes into the room with two full plates at brunch)
BREYANNA: Well, you have sample
everything.
CRYSTAL: Iknowyou'rebeautiful!
BRUCE: Where's
Monique?
BRIAN: MONIQUE!!!
LEELAND: MONIQUE!!!
no answer
BRUCE: I have to give this to Monique.
(a
hat)
BRIAN: CA-CAW!!!
MONIQUE: (from across the deck)
CA-CAW!!!
(Honestly!)
DENISE: SHOOOOOOTERS!!
BREYANNA: Chicken Lady!
DENISE: Seriously, they brought in six
plants! And SHOOOOOTERS!!!!
(I'm sure it was making sense to them!)
LEELAND:
...and this is Michele. We
love
her.
MICHELE: Of course you do. (to new
guy) Sorry, I came in half way through that introduction. I'm
Michele.
CORY: I'm Cory.
LEELAND: He's from north of Prince Albert.
MICHELE: Well, somebody has to be.
CORY: Nice.
MICHELE: It's okay, Cory, we love our
northenders too.
CORY: That's okay. When I'm in Edmonton,
they just say "I'm sorry."
LEELAND: Edmonton? Edmonton!
WHITNEY: I
would totally fire her ass.
ANDREA: That's because you're an enemy
of love.
WHITNEY: I am not! I'm a business woman!
ANDREA: Then why do you have all those
'Whitney Petch; Enemy of Love' business cards all over the apartment?
MITCHELL: We're
starting a league now
for
sure!
JASON: We'll get matching jackets!
(playing Jenga and having cocktails)
WHITNEY:
Stealthy and horny.
JASON: The right combination for raping
a ninja.
WHITNEY: Why would you go to the ninja
place?
JASON: Tranny
smurfs?
ANDREA: We're not talking about smurfs
anymore.
WHITNEY: Try to keep up.
MIKE E.:
She's trying to pass judgement
while unconscious.
WHITNEY: I can. (thinks about it a
minute) It's not as easy, though.
TROY: Should
I be moving or something?
(as
Brian dry humps him)
MICHELE: Why start now?
PICKLES: Can
I have three
Canadian-Keiths?
BARTENDER: No, you're cut off.
PICKLES: Okay, then can I have one
Canadian-Keiths?
(what the hell is a Canadian-Keiths?)
a few minutes later...
PICKLES: Can I have a pint.
BARTENDER: You're cut off. Come back in
an hour and we'll see.
PICKLES: I can't believe you guys threw
my friend out.
BARTENDER: We didn't kick him out--he
was unconscious--we carried him out.
PICKLES: oh yeah....can I have a beer?
ten minutes later...
PICKLES: It's been an hour. Can I have
a beer?
BARTENDER: It's been ten minutes.
PICKLES: You said come back in an hour
and now you won't give me a beer. Can I have a quarter for off-sale?
(huh?)
five minutes later...
PICKLES: Has it been an hour now?
BARTENDER: It's been fifteen minutes.
See the clock? Come back when one of the big hands is on the ten.
PICKLES: As long as you don't throw me
out, it's all good.
MICHELE: I
thought he was riding
side-saddle
JASON: 'I'm a princess and I'm kicking
Nazi ass!
THANE: Look, no chafing!
(You'll never watch Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade the same
way...)
BRIAN: (to
Cameron) You're
still
talking.
MICHELE: (about Cameron) And
without
consonants--who knew?
THANE: What's that about incontinence?
BRIAN: Did you say he's incontinent?
THANE: It Depends...
ROXY: Were
you popping steroids between
game one and game two?
THANE: No, but Whitney did.
(Bowling for dollars)
THOMAS:
Everything here is gluten-free.
JENNY/DEREK: This is awkward, but I really
like gluten.
ROXY: Hi
honey, how are you?
MARSHALL: I'm fine. How are you?
ROXY: I'm drunk. How are you?
(this game can go on for a while)
BARTENDER:
Southern Comfort?
MARSHALL: (deciding what to drink)
Oh no!
BARTENDER: What have you been drinking
tonight?
MARSHALL: Gin, vodka...
BARTENDER: Oh, those girly clear liquors.
MARSHALL: I'll have another gin and
tonic...hey,
gin is not girly!
GERRARD: You
haven't heard of a
sperm-burping
ditchpig?
JASON: They usually say it behind my
back.
GERRARD:
Someone's gonna get laid.
THANE: Yeah, cos this is me, and that's
exactly what I'd do!
THANE: I
wouldn't take anyone home to
that
skank hole!
BARTENDER: Aw, come on--you could roll
around in the Girl Guide cookies!
JASON: You
can't harpoon a panther.
MITCHELL: Why not?
ANDREA: Because it's a panther!
MITCHELL: Well, if I said 'shoot it with
lightning', you'd say you can't shoot everything with lightning!
WHITNEY:
Drunk Whitney makes up good
games!
ANDREA: Yeah, too bad those oranges didn't
work out.
(sounds scary)
WILL: Shane
and my dad filled the tub
with
flowers. How gay is that?
ANDREA: No gayer than two dudes getting
married.
JASON: Touche.
WHITNEY: Our
first date, he was in a
dress.
WILL: Well, one of you had to be.
GWEN: My
sister asked if I wanted a
heated
towel rack and I said no, just get a mountie in red serge to hand me
the
towels.
MICHELE: You'd never leave the tub. Five
minutes later you'd be all, like, "I'm dirty again!"
WHITNEY: You'd probably get a lesbian.
GWEN: I should be more specific.
MICHELE: Tell
Dorian what you
promised.
CHAD: I promised not to say 'boob-knocking
donut-bangers in front of their parents.
MICHELE: And what are you going to say
instead?
CHAD: Bacon.
LEE:(singing)...real
American
Hero...
DORIAN:(singing)...dum da dum!
More than meets the eye!
LEE: Transform,
damn you!
DORIAN: Into brunch!
LEE: A buffet!
DORIAN: Screw Optimus Prime, I want the
Brunch Transformer!
DORIAN: Rev
is short for
Revin-Kaatchin-Itchin-Flammin...
LEE: A rare but classy STD...
LEE: (under
the heater with cold
feet)
Can I just turn upside down?
MICHELE: Not yet.
LEE: But the night is still young.
WHITNEY: They
turned me over, filled me
with fluid and took a picture (talking about an internal xray)
MICHELE: (to Jason) The turkey
baster didn't work, what made you think that would? (not talking
about
an internal xray)
WHITNEY: It's clear fluid, but apparently
it refracts light, or something.
MICHELE: Like having sex in a disco.
WHITNEY: It's
the most natural
thing...I
mean, what you guys do is natural too, but this is the most natural...
MARTIN: A snatcheral thing.
ANDREA: We
own this room, we can do
whatever
we want! (on clearing out the dining room at brunch)
JIMINY: Let's decorate!
JIMINY: He
used to troll Davy street,
hiding
behind a newspaper.
MICHELE: Porta-potty, Stanley Park, 'nuff
said.
JIMINY: I know, I have friends....
MICHELE: And now he's banging some dyke
to make babies.
JASON: If by 'banging' you mean standing
on the other side of the room with a turkey baster, covering his
eyes...
MARTIN: Aim high! Aim high!
WHITNEY: I knew we were doing something
wrong.
Celebrity gossip
ROXY: You've
been around for like,
twenty
five years, have you ever seen one?
MICHELE: What?
ROXY: An ambulance.
MICHELE: uh...yeah, once or twice.
ROXY: At INVESTITURES?
EMPEROR: Is
protocol almost done?
MICHELE: Yes.
EMPEROR: Because we need the table.
MICHELE: Oh. I guess I'll just leave then.
EMPEROR: Okay.
(Feeling the love part one)
PRINCE: Are
you still using that
table?
MICHELE: No. Daniel said he needed it
so I told him I was leaving.
PRINCE: Good.
(Feeling the love part two)
MICHELE: What
did you say?
LEE: Donna
MICHELE: Oh, I thought you said her name
was DONE!
MITCHELL: I wish
I could Etch A Sketch that one away.
KATHLEEN: Turn him
upside down and shake him
MITCHELL: Mama
already
did that last night.
KRICKET: Just
so you know, we're not a
couple.
MITCHELL: What? Not a couple? Three years
of my life! Agh!!
ROXY DIVA: I
didn't
puke in your car.
DANIEL DELISSIO: Because
I pushed you out.
MICHELE: When
did
Crystal Clear turn into Brent Butt?
JASON: Corner
Gas--what
you hear when she's working.
KERRY: The
only thing left over from
year
four is that gin!
DREW BLOOD: And a deficit.
MICHELE: Oh no, dear, you're thinking
of year 15.
JENNY TALIA: My
vagina's
on fire!
JASON: You should
have used the cream.
ANNE: Oh, I just
remembered what skirt I'm wearing so I won't bend over.
ANASTASIA: On a
clear day you *really* can see forever!
ANNE: Just 'cos
you moved to Calgary doesn't mean you have to be mean to your old Aunty
Anne!
ANASTASIA: It
wasn't
mean, it was a testament to your bran intake.
ANNE: It's
raining;
my pussy will get wet!
ANASTASIA: There's
a Visine for that!
MITCHELL: What
happened
to the gum?
CRAIG: I left it
in my other jeans.
MITCHELL: See, I
gave it to you so we wouldn't lose it, and you lost it.
ETHAN: We're open
until two--go home and get it.
MICHELE FROM
NEBRASKA: You were
discussing
phonics with the Princess from where?
KEVIN: I was making friends in other
realms....
(yes, it's a euphamism)
MICHELE: I
hear the tip of your penis
is
pretty.
CHUGAR: Oh yeah, it's a wonder of the
world.
MICHELE:Yeah, people look at it and
wonder...
MITCHELL:
Have you ever been on a
cruise
ship?
RYAN: No, I've only been on a ferry...
KRICKET: So
much for the catsuit after
dinner. (complimenting the chef)
MITCHELL: There's still time to throw
up, dear.
MITCHELL: Tip
me!
MICHELE: Hit you?
RAYMOND: Get a coat hanger!
MITCHELL: I'm not pregnant!
KRYS STYLES:"You
two could finally rub
tummies!"re: Chad and Brian
BRIAN: Or rub bums (awash in a sea
of bottoms)
JOE: I just
got to sleep and they
decided
to move the dumpster.(presumably outside the apartment)
KRICKET: I know; they dumped it at my
door at seven am! (referring to Brian in the hallway)
MICHELE: I was going to ask did they wake
you up when they tipped you over? (she wins!)
LOUISE: Who
text messaged Blair?
NEAL and WHITNEY: Michele!
SHANE: The
cripple wore him out!
MITCHELL: Four times the cripple
wore him out!
(on Brian tricking with the hockey player with the broken leg)
MITCHELL: I
think he has a soft spot
for
him.
MICHELE: Or a hard spot.
MITCHELL: Or a wet spot.
WHITNEY:
After fourteen years you're
not
having sex anymore anyway.
DORIAN: Good luck with that, Jason.
JASON: I'll still have my IPOD.
MICHELE: You'll still be paying off your
IPOD.
MONIQUE: I'm
so confused!
DORIAN: Alright, take a drink.
BRIAN: Brian is loving this!
(see Brian's Sociable Rules)
DA-LING: I
don't usually perform...
MITCHELL: In public!
MICHELE: On stage!
MEGAN: I'd
give you my broom, but you
already
have wings, ya fairy!
DORIAN: Well, it's better to float over
the pavement than crack it!
GODIVA: Hello,
muffin. And how are you
today?
PHIL: I was a little cranberry-lemon
earlier.
Now I'm just kinda bran. Ya know.
GODIVA: Crappy for you.
WAITER: We'll
start with the lady.
GODIVA: Wow, no-one's called ME
a lady for ages!
URETHRA: Too bad we're not in
Saskatchewan.
They've got a word for you there.
GODIVA: I
have an important
announcement.
I had my first hot flash Thursday. Good thing I didn't lay in supplies.
URETHRA: You could use them to light the
barbecue!
ANGELO: Tampon burning at Sherry's!
JEREMY: I
almost joined the navy
because
they'd give me a bonus course of my degree..
DONALD: You just wanted to be stuck in
a tube with a bunch of 'sea men'
DORIAN: It was
either
that or a fertilization clinic...
JEREMY: I can
make it rain!
LEELAND: I can make it rain!
DONALD: I can make it rain!
ALL: RAIN!
(torturing the Emperor)
MICHELE:
(hosting) What's beyond
excited?
JASON: Finished early?
WHITNEY: An apology?
CHYNA: They're
hairy hairy polar bears
(chad
and brian)
DORIAN: Stroke their hair right and
you'll
get a gingham pattern...
DORIAN: Shalom
means peace, like
Salaam
MITCHELL: So Salami means peace
roll...put
your roll in my peace
DORIAN: Shouldn't it be put your
piece in my roll...
DORIAN: OMG
I'm not in face! Quick I
need
to make out with a made up whore!
MITCHELL: Da-ling!
DORIAN: No! a tasteful whore!
THANE: Tasteful or full of taste?
CHYNA: you're
a butch bear until you
talk
BRIAN: grr...bitch...
DORIAN:
Daiborja!
CHYNA: *slap*
The Ukrainian Slap Dance
MITCH: I
slept with the Prince last
night...and
two large ham and pineapple pizzas!
PRINCE: The pizza is complimentary when
you sleep with the prince.
JAIMIE: Abbie
was dancing with a
lobster
named Mark.
TODD: Of course she was.
CHAD: You say
'ew!' to that, and you
were
making love to a chair!
TATIANA: The chair was making love to
*me*!
BRIAN: You
deflowered me in front of
everyone.
ROXY: Your flower was wilted.
ANASTASIA: At least it was better than
Nada--all you got there was potting soil.
ANNE: Why do I
feel
like we're in some horrible science fiction show?
JASON: That would
be the mutants, dear.
ANNE: when um am
and for you um am...
MICHELE: Whu uh?!
Sit down bitch, you're not speaking English!
ROXY: Next
year I'll be the Grandma
Empress
JASON: Look at her, all pretendin she
doesn't know how a walker goes...
DORIAN: You've
never seen Cabaret?
MICHELE: Go on; say it; you know you want
to...
DORIAN: GET OUT!
MICHELE: XF
is the great love of my
life,
the one I'll compare everything else to for all my days. TS is my dirty
affair, where anything goes and it's all sexy.
MICK: What was Buffy? A one off? A hand
job in a dark alley? Hooker in a taxi?
MICHELE: A combination of Joss Whedon's
writing and lust for Anthony Stuart Head.
MICK: This is me going off the curb
again.
MICHELE: Not Anthony Stuart's head.
I think Buffy was a rebound f**k. After CC's bad continuity, I turned
to
the guy who mentioned a one off line from season two in season seven.
DORIAN: It's
psychologically
traumatic--could
you lose your penis?
JASON: No, but then the only thing ever
trapped inside me is a super hero...and NEVER a hamster!
SKETCHY WOMAN:
It's illegal for you not
to give me water!
MITCHELL: It's illegal for you to steal
my drink!
SKETCHY WOMAN: I didn't steal it....I
just took it and drank it....
DONALD: I
wonder how long he'll circle
out there.
MICHELE: Brown curly hair?
DONALD: Yeah
MICHELE: Nobody out there?
JASON: Nope.
(a few minutes later)
MITCHELL: I hate you guys.
SHANE: You
need ten quotes to get your
own page.
WILL: All right--the game is on! Can they
all impune Brian?
MICHELE: In
seven days, it will have
been
ten years.
SHANE: Oh, lady! Since you--
BRIAN: I haven't sucked cock in--
WILL: Nine hours--and that little
Filipino
man thanks you.
MICHELE: I didn't know if you were mocking
Brian, or bragging about Shane.
DORIAN: You've
got
your light-up dildo, and your canary, and you're good to go!
MICHELE: Oh, so
you've dated Trixie Pan Am?
TOY ON TV:
Meow
THANE: Meow!
JEREMY: Well, someone's in heat!
GODIVA:Thaw the
fucker
out!
GREG:Sit on it if
you have to!
(on more red velvet cake at Salsbury House)
DORIAN:If I eat
all
this, I'll throw up and then I've wasted everything!
JOE:Certain tactical
losses are acceptable.
(more red velvet cake discussion)
NEAL: Who's
your Daddy?
MAKAYLA: Anita!
DORIAN:
Cheese is dense.
MICHELE: We should stitch that on a
sampler--words
to live by--cheese is dense.
MITCHELL: What about Pense?
JASON: Every
time a land mine clefts a
palate...
MICHELE: an angel gets it's wings!
(I think you had to be there)
MITCHELL:
Most annoying person ever!
THANE: No, you are!
MITCHELL: I'm endearing!
THANE: You say endearing, I say annoying
(let's call the whole thing off!)
BRUCE:
...they have bling bling by the
truckload--I should know, I married one.
MITCHELL: a drag queen? Or a truckload?
CHUCK: I
picked the hardest name so
that
everyone would get it wrong (on his title)
DORIAN: What? Chuck?
MICHELE: You got it in one, honey.
CHUCK: They're cute when they're autistic.
GERRARD:
Where's Trixie when you need
her?
JASON: We'll find out when we need her.
DORIAN: (on
Roxy's cooking skills) What
does day old crack and a Mentos taste like?
CHINA: And a cigarette butt
DORIAN: Oh, Trixie brought dessert?
WHITNEY: I
think your hat's too small
JASON: I think my head's too soft.
WHITNEY: Do
you think I usually wear
clothes
that hide my rack? (on the comments she got on her rack on Saturday)
MICHELE: No, it's
just that usually your blouses are higher cut, so you can still see
them,
but not the way you could on Saturday.
DORIAN: You don't
usually dress like a 'ho!
DORIAN: Those
North
Battleford queens...
MICHELE: They're
hardcore!
JASON: They don't
exactly have a Mac counter there, so they have to make do with Home
Hardware.
JASON: The
splitting of the Adam, if
you
will.....turning the hot dog into the bun....
THANE: A punched in rubber ducky!
(Ah, Thailand needs more surgeons like you alls)
MICHELE: I
think Jim should be in that
outfit.
MITCHELL: I think no one should be in
that outfit.
THANE: I think I've seen YOU in that
outfit.
MITCHELL: I don't know what you're talking
about.
WHITNEY: Is
that Mitchell's
Grandmother's
G-String?
JASON: Tastes pretty much like I imagined
it would...
DEEDZ: Hi 'ho
BRIAN: hey!
SHANE: He doesn't charge.
BARTENDER: Get out of my head.
DEEDZ: oh, right. Hi, slut!
BRIAN: hey! oh, hi.
China: So
clean your box and we will
pick
you up at 6:20pm.
Crystal: I’m not cleaning my box for you
guys.
China: I want it so clean I can
see Korrie’s face in it.
Crystal: Gee, I was not expecting THAT
kind of birthday party.
China: He’s
mine I touched him.
Korrie: He’s mine I saw him first.
Crystal: I don’t care whose he is, I'm
gonna sit down on him.
China: He’s
mine I named him.
Crystal: Again, I don’t care cause I have
squatters rights.
Korrie: Squatters have rights after 30
days.
Crystal: I’m prepared to wait.
CHAD, CLAUDIA,
SABRINA and everyone else at
Winnipeg's
Coronation:
Big black Tranny on a Bus!
Big black Tranny on a Bus!
Bless my soul and Oh my Lord
Big Black Tranny on a Bus!
(The Christina Dior theme song)
CHAD: (on
Trixi's outfit) Look
at
you all multitextured with the jean and the shirt--you're like an
extreme
home makeover edition of an outfit
DORIAN: (reaching into a pocket)
I know Ty Pennington's in here somewhere.
ABBIE: Is it
wrong that I want to eat
one
of these drumsticks now and one when we get home?
JAIMIE: Is it wrong that my pants don't
fit?
ABBIE: At least we have each other.
TODDY: of
course...her lesbian lover
got
her wet for me
DORIAN: mmmm revved up lesbian....
SCHMOO: I'm
not coming tonight.
KERRY: Neither is Clint!
MITCHELL: I
need a drink for me and
wifey.
KERRY: Okay, what do you need for slut
and whore?
(obviously a different wifey than me *L*)
ABBIE: That's
what I want is a vespa to
ride my girlfriend around the pride parade.
DORIAN: You need a motorcycle with a side
car!
Barkley: God,
I am so glad rodeo comes
once a year, I think that my liver would kill me if this shit was more
than once.
Jay: Shut up you whiner, and finish your
drink.
Barkley: I just....
Jay: *shaking fist in mock
threat*
I
said finish it!
Mike: Oh
honey, you're so delicate.
Like
a flower.
Barkley: *burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp*
Mike: Like I said, you remind me of a
stinkweed.
Stupid straight girl
in hotel elevator:
Hey nice cowboy hat, whats the occasion? (which, as an aside, was
the
DUMBEST question ever, seeing as how there was ARGRA rodeo info in the
lobby AND the elevator)
Barkley: (insert awkward pause, while
I de-snatchify my response) It's homo hoe-down weekend. Really,
that
in itself ought to explain the hat.
SSG: Gotcha.
Barkley: Turn
the Patsy Cline on, Jay.
Jay: Hell no. I turn Patsy Cline on and
this campsite is gonna be knee deep in wrinkly old homo.
Mike: Oh, what, up until now, y'all were
only ankle deep?
Mike (to
Barkley, Tom, Neil, Dan)
When we all see Jay, we gotta mess with his head. Go up to him and say
'You are a beooooootiful butterfly' See what he does.
Barkley to Jay: You are a beoooootiful
butterfly
Jay: I'm gonna fuckin kill Mike.
Barkley (after
walking up to friend
from online that he's never met before) Hey Craig, how's it
going?"
Craig: "Uhm..... *pause* have we slept
together before? I forget your name if we did, and I apologise"
Written on a
chalkboard in the Calgary
Eagle
washroom "Montana Tom is hot. Ask me how"
Fifteen minutes later, on the patio
Stranger:"Are
you Montana Tom"
Tom: "Yes"
Stranger: "I'm supposed to tell you you're
hot. The chalkboard told me"
TODDY: I'm
gonna go with this table;
you
seem more couth.
DORIAN: We're couth, we just can't spell
it.
DORIAN: I
Can't Believe It's Not
Panther...
MICHELE: Panther...Lite....
KRICKET: The
D doesn't stand for
decaf.
CHUGAR: It stands for "Dat's coffee!"
MICHELE: No, it stands for 'Don't give
it to Chyna.'
SABRINA: Are
you wearing a jockstrap
backwards
on the outside?
CHUGAR: Shut up you're old and fat!
MONIQUE: Wow,
Michele, your voice has
changed
(when
Dorian answer's the Goddess' phone)
KRICKET: Yeah, it's so much higher.
CHUGAR: Who's
got Crisco? Where's the
Crisco?
SABRINA: Where's the taco nut?
KRICKET: I've got pineapple.
KORY O'GRAPHY
(sp?): I teach.
TREY: What do you teach?
KORY: I teach hair.
MICHELE: Cos teaching people is too hard.
MICHELE: What
are you doing?
ABBIE: I'm breast feeding your koala--what
does it look like?
MICHELE: Breast-feeding my koala? Is that
code?
JENNY: you
look like 'Vaughna with
those
glasses.
ANASTASIA: Oh, why, thank you! I've been
drinking since--WHAT? You c**t!
CHUGAR: (singing)
Ain't no
sunshine
when she's gone....
MICHELE: I have that effect on some
men....
MICHELE: No
judging! No judging!
MITCHELL: I thought that was just at your
house.
MICHELE: You're right--he fucking sucks!
DORIAN: I
can write with my boobs!
ASDT...
TODDY: No! QWERTY!
MITCHELL: (at
the wedding) Where's the
'dum dum de dumb?
KRICKET: Which ones are you referring
to?
SCHMOO: The
umbrellas aren't big
enough.
KRICKET: I'm dry; I guess I don't have
a problem with that.
(skinny bitch, eat something!)
MICHELE: He
reminds me of you, but
with
more show tunes.
JASON: More show tunes? Fuck. I'm gonna
have to go back to HMV. He probably knows all those new showtunes, too.
Me, I'm an old G&S, Lerner & Lowe, classical Sonheim fag.
MICHELE: He knows all those, too.
JASON:That horrid little man. Well, he's
not going to be the only gay in the village soon. No, indeed.
DORIAN: I'll
bottom for that!
MICHELE: Thanks, Blair, I knew we could
count on you!
DORIAN: I've never hit you before and
I love you, but I may have to hit you now.
DORIAN: Drunk
and cold cuts--what more
do you need?
MICHELE: yay for cooking chicken tonight!
KRICKET: How
are you, Drunky
McDrunkerstien?
DORIAN: I fell out
of the shower.
KIM POSSIBLE: What
movie do you think
would
end with us driving into the sunset?
TODDY: Thelma and Louise.
YADA: Maybe more Armageddon...or Alien
ABBIE: (in
Irvine) We
spruced
up in that gas station.
YADA: Because nothing says good make up
like a truck stop.
ABBIE: (swerves
to avoid ditch)
Whoop!
YADA: Not really words you want to hear
from the driver.
SHANE: I spent
all
day hungover and puking.
SHANE'S MOM: Isn't
that the only time I see you?
THOMAS: Shut up,
Dutchie! I can see you doin' the math over there!
KIM POSSIBLE: She
can't do math...unless it's in thirds.
CARMEN: She can't
even shower with her eyes open.
CHAD: Do it! (Abbie
and Kim kiss) Now exchange bacon.
KIM POSSIBLE: We
already exchanged bacon.
(a brunch commitment ceremony)
ABBIE: Me
and the Dutchie have been
drunk
since like 2!
DUTCHIE (aka Dorian): What did she say?
CHAD: She said you look lovely tonight,
dear.
DUTCHIE: That's good since I have been
drinking since like 2.
YADA: Did she
say
Ladies and Venom?
TODDY: I heard
Ladies
and Bananas
(Alma, check your batteries!)
ERNIE: My first
bitch!
NEAL: And I did
it!
ERNIE: More
beer!
ERNIE: You're
second
in the fourth set.
MICHELE: Sure.
NEAL: That's
Schmoo;
she's Michele.
MICHELE: The
other fat chick.
ERNIE: More beer.
DORIAN: Does
Yada
have razor burn? No, she was just trying to eat chicken right out of
the
fryer again.
ANONYMOUS: I never
have to worry about that--by the time I get to the shower, the
chicken's
already cooled off.
WAITRESS: Mitchell
got the mimosa, the cake and half the brunch.
CHYNA: Oh, thank
you
WAITRESS: Oh, don't
thank me; I wouldn't have done it for you.
CHYNA: Miss Water
Retention 2006!
YADA: Mrs. Culligan!
DORIAN:I'd like
the
fifteen piece bucket, extra skin.
YADA: Yes, extra
skin, I'm doing a facial later...
CHUGAR: He
looked like a champion
shovel
fighter.
SYMARA: What did the loser look like?
Chugar "Look! A
Dead
Deer!....oh, you missed it..."
Chugar and Kricket "Look!
Another Dead Deer!"
JUSTIN: I
know his type
GEOFF: My type?
MICHELE: He has a type?
JUSTIN: Does it have a penis? That's his
type. Does it put its bum in the air? That's his type.
THANE: I'm
afraid
that if I take a shower I'll fall asleep and drown
DORIAN: Plus
there's
no bannister to hang onto.
TROY: Can I put
my
meat down?
ANG: No meat for
me, thanks!
(possibly talking about snacks...)
THANE: You
should
see the one from Saturday night (meaning the video he shot in
S'toon)
ABBIE'S PARTY GANG: That
better not be from the bathhouse!
ABBIE: I feel
better after that puke!
DORIAN: Aw, I feel like a cheerleader
getting her second wind.
DORIAN: ooh,
who's that?
ABBIE: Oh, yeah, he's just ten minutes
over nineteen.
DORIAN: If he had a masters degree, I'd
have to pounce!
ABBIE: I think he's gonna get a bursary
just for walking in!
DORIAN: I'll
just
hold your legs up. But if Kim walks in....
ABBIE: She'll say
'she can't be having sex with him, she's just got her head under the
ice
cream machine.
ABBIE:(singing) Tiny
hooker...
ANASTASIA:(picks up the verse) Meth
addicted hooker...where's your tooth? No one knows, tiny hooker....
JODI: Was I
here last night?
ABBIE: No.
JODI: (yells to friends) I wasn't at the
gay bar!
ABBIE: He looked
like he was about to do some bitch slappin'; I thought, 'better you
than
me!'
ANASTASIA: So I'm
Imperial Grand Dutchess of plexiglass?
JOE: I need a
boy to pick on.
MITCHELL: And by pick on you mean take
home and take to bed.
JOE: Not necessarily home....and not
necessarily
a bed...
MITCHELL: Chair, floor...
ANONYMOUS: Back alley...
MITCHELL: Loras Bin...
JORDAN: God I
love creme filled donuts.
JAMIE: I bet they're hard to make...
BARKLEY: Yeah, the carpal tunnel syndrome
hits you after the 4th or 5th donut.
JORDAN: I think I just lost my appetite
JAMIE: I can just picture Barkley over
at timmy's..... stroking away.... What's it take? 4 sessions per donut?
JORDAN: Oh, that was TOO far.
ASHLEY: I had a
husband....
MARLO: Arent you
eleven?
BRIAN: (laughing)
Oh, jeez, write that down!
ABBIE: (hung
over)
Why didn't you cut me off?
JAMIE: I
did....twice...both
times you just looked at me and said "Look, WHORE...!"
BILL: Who
would marry an
obsessive-compulsive
anyway?
URETHRA: I don't know, maybe the sex was
good.
BILL: Well, yeah, but it would be the
same every time.
DORIAN: Only
Michele
can kick me out for my age.
ABBIE: Michele!
Dorian doesn't know the words to Mamma Mia!
MICHELE: Get out.
MICHELE: Does
it taste like soap?
SHANE: No, but it doesn't exactly
taste like food, either.
THANE: Why don't we just eat it in the
bathtub.
MITCHELL: I just want to know where it
should go.
SHANE: It's Beast spooge!
THANE: I say we still tell Mitchell it's
edible!
(on the mystery Advent gift)
ABBIE:
Samiches!
JAIMIE: Samiches!
GEOFF: Samiches!
DORIAN: Samiches!
IN UNISON: Samiches!
LARRY: Uh, five samiches, please.
(see Cocktails page)
TODD: ...BAM!
TROY: Did you just bam?
TODD: BAM! I'm addin' some spices!
MIKE: I need
someone
to suck my--
JAIMIE: LA LA LA!
BARKLEY:I'm not
retarded,
just drunk.
DORIAN:Yeah, but
you're from rural Saskatchewan; we have to talk slow.
BARKLEY:Don't bring
up that rural Sask shit.
BARTENDER:We shall
not speak of it again. But if there's a divorce in your family, they'll
still be brother and sister.
(Testing the
cordless microphones at the
club)
SHANE: you should see if it works in the
lounge or on the deck.
TROY: You're just trying to get rid of
me.
GEOFF: Yeah, so go try it at Trifons
TARA: Why don't you see if it works in
Saskatoon.
GEOFF: I'm a
Mormon; I just converted.
TROY: I converted a Mormon once
DORIAN: You look
like that guy--
MITCHELL: Powder?
KRICKET: Three
powders,
maybe...
LOUISE:Don't vote
off Brandon; he's hot
MICHELE:
Plus he can hack through rope.
LOUISE: Yeah, you
never know when that might come in handy.
SHANE: Yeah,
if the safe word doesn't work.
ELAINE: Don't you
make me come over there.
SHANE: Don't you
make me put down my purse!
SHANE: Oh,
Mary...
ELAINE: My name
is Elaine....he just called me Mary.
LOUISE AND MICHELE:
He calls everyone Mary.
BRIAN: Ang is
still
here? I thought she went home with that girl.
MICHELE: You mean
that girl? (points at Ang's date standing less than five feet away)
BRIAN: Oh, shit.
THAT GIRL: I'll
just go now.
Betty: I met
this guy from South
America
who went to Spain and bought a German car and shipped it to Canada and
it cost him seven thousand dollars.
Godiva: How did he get here from
Venezuela?
Dave H: How old was the bus driver?
Betty and Karen: Venezuela???
Godiva: SNF !!!
TRIXIE: I
decided
to be nice for a whole week.
MICHELE: So you
didn't go out at all?
SHANE: And what
week are you going to choose?
KERRY: (congratulating
Kim Possible) I'm here for you.
MICHELE:(congratulating
Kim Possible) He's here for you.
DONALD: I have
some
friends who checked in and I was wondering what room they are in.
DESK CLERK:
Would that be the Princess of Winnipeg in her cape?
MICHELE: Okay,
which
one of you pretty ladies wants to take me home?
EVERYONE: *...*
MICHELE: Don't all
jump in at once!
ABBY: Hmmm, who
wants to take Michele home?
MICHELE: Well, it's
me or Yada.
ANG: Me! Me!
DEEDZ: Oh, are
you
taking a Spanish class?
ANG: (sarcastically)
Si!
A few minutes later....
DEEDZ: Huevos
Rancheros.
That's farmer's eggs.
ANG: I thought they
were the ones with salsa.
TOGETHER: La
cucaracha,
la cucaracha....
JAN: You can
dig it out, or you can
suck
it out.
MICHELE: I think you just described his
sex life.
(on Brian trying to scoop a bug out of his beer on the deck last
night)
LEELAND: I
may have to switch teams
half
way through (on playing pool)
GAYLA: It's what you did in life, don't
do it in pool.
YADA: Isn't
"man-tits" a fish?
BRIAN: What?
BARTENDER: Yeah, it's a--
YADA: That's a manta ray.
GEOFF: No, that's a man-ta-tee--it's a
fish.
ZAK: Actually, it's a mammal.
YADA: It's like a-a-
GEOFF: Mantatee.
BRIAN: Stamina.
BARTENDER: It's a sea-cow.
ZAK: Yeah, a sea-cow.
BRIAN: Sea cows have man-tits?
YADA: So you're a sea-cow.
BRIAN: Hey! Okay.
(doesn't it make you just want to come visit?)
THOMAS: You can
be
replaced by a blender, you know. (to Shane)
LEELAND: Or upgraded.
MICHELE: The
word is stamina (on
sleeping
with eighteen-year-olds)
GEOFF: It's not stamina, it's that they
just keep going and going.
KRYS: I think
we ought to name all the
big cities after body parts. Like St. Catharines, it could be scrotum.
KEVIN: Yay scrotum!
KRYS: And Regina, well, that's obvious.
GODIVA: Mangina, of course.
CRYSTAL: I prefer guy-gash.
KRYS and GODIVA: EEEEEEWWWWW!
Shane: Oh!
Look at that house! I want
to
live there! (pointing to old, dilapitated house along Trans
Canada
highway)
Deedz: You could have the only
Crack-Whore
house in the area!
Shane: I said *I* would be living
there....not Brian!
Deedz: Oh yeah...right!
Brian: Hey!
BRIAN: Are
you bussing tonight?
DEEDZ: Shut the fuck up! Yes.
BRIAN: You
can grab my tits.
DEEDZ: This may come as a surprise, but
I don't want to grab your tits.
BRIAN: Can we spoon?
BRIAN: I'm
not that cheap!
THOM: Yes you are!
BRIAN: Okay, maybe I am.
MICHELE: Maybe?
MITCHELL: No
poking,
no prodding, no peeing!
SHANE: It's like
he's having sex with them.
TONY LANE-BARR:
I heard the yell from here!
URETHRA: Yeah,
that's
when the guy slammed on the brakes...OMIGOD...fat chicks running
(Regarding chasing down an ice cream man)
DEEDZ: That beer
goes down as smooth as Troy!
CUSTOMER: Does Troy
go down before the beer or after the beer?
TROY: I go down
*for* the beer!
JIMINY LICKIT:
Well, hello, Gary
Coleman!
PHIL THEE I'm not black.
JIMINY LICKIT: Hello, Michael Jackson.
LEE: That's
our Shane. No, wait, that's
your Shane.
BRIAN: No, that's your Shane.
MICHELE: Well, I know that's not my Shane.
My Shane wouldn't have said sorry.
SCOTT: Freddy
likes it with lots of
head.
SHANE: And he likes his beer foamy.
CRYSTAL:
We're going to health and
beauty.
GODIVA: Who what now?
JOE: Crystal's going to beauty, Shmoo's
going to health.
BRIAN: Sammy, you
got underwear on?
SAM: Yes. Yes I
do.
DEEDZ: Whose?
SAM: I don't know.
MICHELE: Shape of
big twinkie!
SHANE: Form of strap
on!
IN UNISON: Wonder
twin powers, activate!
AMANDA: Zip it! I
haven't even started the story yet!
CHELSEA: And I'm
still trying to catch up.
BRIAN: Didn't
there used to be a wizard
for Alpha Bits? Why is there a computer now?
SHANE: The wizard made the computer I
think, and then he just took over.
LEE: The computer gave the wizard a virus.
That was his downfall.
SHANE:And by virus I mean....
SHANE and LEE
together: Syphilis!.
LEE: ...get outta my head....
-birthday hijinx
DREW:
It's the full moon tonight, isn't it?
GODIVA: No, it's
tomorrow. I've got plans. Things to burn, pots to stir.
JIMINY: Yeah, me
too. Things to burn, shit to stir.
MITCHELL: I'm
every
woman....(singing)
JULIE: You sound
like Helen Reddy
KRICKET: And you
look like Linda Vaccaro
BARTENDER: "Don't
come home a drinkin' with lovin' on your mind."
MITCHELL: is that
a real song?
KRICKET: And cum
on your breath.
MITCHELL: Are those
the real words?
BARTENDER: Honey,
I love you.
FRED: You look
different
tonight (to Patty)
PATTY: Yeah, well,
I washed my hair.
FRED: ....
(hygeine...it's a good thing)
GODIVA:
Now, *there's* a
drama
queen.
JIMINY LICKIT: With a capital "druh".
GODIVA:
Hey, a little sympathy
here!
ANGELO DE'ATH: It doesn't bother me when
*you* cry, but when other people cry ....
SHANE: Come
here, Tim; I wanna take a
picture
of your crotch.
TIM: With or without the pants?
(starts
undoing pants)
BRIAN: Tim, undo your tuck.
KRICKET: He already has.
Just another Saturday night in the gay bar....
BRIAN: Sometimes
when I'm drunk I am so stupid!
CORY: Sometimes
when you're not drunk you are so stupid!
TARA: This is
for the beautiful women
in
the corner...
TROY aka Mama Rose: Thanks!
GEOFF: She said 'in' the corner, not 'on'
the corner...
THOMAS:
You're cut off!
KERRY: You've been peeking!
KERRY:
Vicki's thing isn't working!
BRANDY: And her light's broken, too!
THOMAS: I'm
Anne Whatsittoya, Empress
13
of Regina and all of Saskatchewan!
EVERYONE: Fuck you, Anne!
(love at Calgary's coronation)
DEEDZ: Were
you out drinking?
HENRY: ...yeah...I'm not even wearing
my clothes...
BARTENDER:
It's nice out, I wonder why
he's wearing that hat.
Miss B. Haven: 'cos he's ugly.
BARTENDER: I thought it was so he would
reflect in the headlights of the cars cruising the park
SHANE: Give this
to Michele; she needs a one-liner
DION: A one nighter?
She needs more than a one nighter!
DEEDZ: I said
you're
the 'salt of the earth', not an 'insult to the earth'!
FRED: Pretty soon
I'll be the crust o' the earth!
BRUCE: The
more you drink the prettier
they look. I know, I've been married for sixteen years.
SAM: and he's been drunk everyday!
MICHELE: Do
you want the recyclables
in
the bathtub?
AVAUGHNA: No, just throw them in the
bathtub.
URETHRA: Don't
be bitter because you
chose
the wrong God.
PHIL THEE: Don't be bitter because your
God's DEAD!
DAVID (Godiva's son):
Catty bitches!
Y'all's
catty bitches!
ANGELO, EVON, URETHRA, GODIVA: Thanks!
PHIL THEE:
Mary!
GODIVA: Suzy Q!
PHIL THEE: Shirley Q! I need some liquor!
BARTENDER:
Nice boobs.
MARACHINO CHERRY: Thanks, they're from
Vegas.
SWISHY TWINK: (to
Crystal) Are you the queen?
CRYSTAL: Well, sort
of.
DUDE WALKING BY:
I'd say *he's* the fucking queen!
SHANE: I just
haven't had time to fit
you
in.
BARRY: Oh, honey, anyone can fit Shane
in!
LUIS: Are
there anymore sausages?
BARTENDER: Yeah, but they're cold.
LUIS: That's okay, I'll eat 'em and
pretend
that they're hot.
(sounds like my last date!)
ANNE:
<Auntie T> just backed into
me!
SHARON: They don't make headlights for
cars that old.
ANDREA: Nope. Back then they were just
candles behind glass.
HANS: I like
Drambuie because you can
taste
the heather!
BARRY: I knew a girl named Heather
once...didn't
taste anything like her.
FAKE WHITNEY:
Holy shit, I am SO boxed
(meaning
drunk)
JOEL: You're not boxed til you have me
inside (not meaning drunk)
FAKE WHITNEY: EWWW! (needs
no explanation)
DENISE:
Samosas and what else? Samosas
and what else?
GAIL: What?
DENISE: Tell 'em what's Indian.
(maybe you had to be there, but it was drunkenly
funny at the time)
COREY: What
colour is the sky in your
world
today?
STEVE: Raspberry...red raspberry!
BBBBBBLLLLTTT!
ELAINE: Turn
the cushion over!
LOUISE: Use a towel!
(both reading from Martha Stewart's new book,
What to Do With A Dirty Couch)
MICHELE: You're
bright
TYLER: Yeah, not like Harley...oh, hi
Harley, I didn't see you sitting there.
SHANE: You
have to put a quarter in me.
BERNIE:(sitting on his lap) I hear you'll
be putting 1/4 in me, if the rumours are right.
BARTENDER(to
customer with wandering
hands):
If he were a fifteen year old girl, you could be arrested!
COREY: But I'm a thirty three year old
with love handles!
TYLER: Do you
have anything that needs
going down?
LARRY: Yeah, me.
BARTENDER:
It's all about the juicy
tip.
RANDY: (chokes on drink)
BARTENDER: You had to think about that
one, didn't you?
RANDY: I didn't have to think, I just
had to swallow.
THOMAS: I
have a hangover
BRENT: No, that's a comb-over, doll,
there's
a difference.