BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
 It came from the Hellmouth: the wit and wisdom of Buffy and the Scooby Gang
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NEW THIS WEEK:
 
 

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JOSS WHEDON,
King of continuity....

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Xander, speculating on how the Sunnydale School District will fill the position of SD HS principal: "You gotta wonder how they'll advertise that position. 'Wanted, school administrator; indigestibility a bonus.'"
"The Giles Thing II" by Dr. Squidlove

"You know how it is. One minute you're tracking down the guy who can  get a message through to your dead parents and the next thing you know you're having wild monkey sex in the Days Inn with a dead Chinese guy."
-Connor, in Reremouse's BtVS story "Three"

"Look, I understand. at least, I think I understand, what they did. 'S kinda one of my better gifts, understanding. That's what happens when you make a vampire out of a bad poet."
-Spike,
'Headfirst: Resting Places' by Narcolepticcat

"...you would think that I would catch on to them being these slimy, lying, back-stabbing bastards after getting screwed the first dozen times or  so. I'm writing that in my address book. G for government, first name-bastards,
address-slimysville, phone number-1-900-we-suck."
-Buffy on the Initiative, the Army, and by extension, the U.S. Government, in Litgal's BtVS story "Experience Curve"

"I'm listening -- with beer."  Spike, having pulled a beer out of his briefcase during a staff meeting, gets a dirty look from Angel -  'Angel', "Underneath"
 

^^^^^

"There is definitely something sexy about a girl with an attitude and a pair of leather pants."
-Eliza Dushku

^^^^^^^

A lot of characters are unabashedly bisexual in Torchwood; in fact my character's way beyond bisexual, my character will do anything that has a hole!
James Marsters

"I just got back from filming Dragonball, so I'm healing from that. I'm going back to do Smallville next week and think I'll be doing Torchwood again before too long. Then resting, and basically working out - Dragonball is all about muscles and I can't be doing the press tour for it without muscles. I gotta pump my pecs. Girls like boobs too, you know."
James Marsters

"I had to confront my own homophobia, which I thought, I didn’t have any of. I’ve grown up in the theatre and I thought I didn’t have any of that. It’s not really about being gay; it’s about the incredible price you pay if you’re not yourself; if you choose to live a lie."
-James Marsters, on his film Venetian Heat

"Continuity is for wusses."
James Marsters, GenCon Q&A, Milwaukee, WI, August 5, 2002

"I uh-found……I’ve had some unsuccessful relationships with women. Uh….and, without knowing it, lived lies, women have ...their own reasons…"
-James Marsters

Q: If you could say one thing to Spike, give him a piece of advice, and/or converse with him about anything... what would you choose and why?
James Marsters:  Get over Buffy - you deserve better!
 - From the September Q&A at James Marsters official website www.jamesmarsters.com

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'That's a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett.'
Andrew
Smashed

Andrew:You saw her (Willow), she's a truck driving magic momma and we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers and not one of you bunch has the midichlorines to stop her.

Andrew:Warren's the boss, he's Picard, you're Diana Troi, get used to the feeling Betazoid.

"Sexual tension you could cut with a knife!"
-Andrew, on Spike and Principal Wood

"I admit, I went over to the dark side, but just to pick up a few things, and now I'm back. I've learned. I'm good again."
-Andrew

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"I'll never leave.Not even if you kill me."
-Angel

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"Bunnies! Bunnies! It must be bunnies!"
-Anya,Once More,With Feeling

"Can I trade in my children for more cash?" - Anya, playing "Life" for the first time

"...and then if you wanted to join me under that table....I'm kidding, kidding...I'm more of an on the table kind of girl..."
-Anya

"Jet-lag from hell's gotta be... jet-lag from hell."
-Anya

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Buffy: All right, yes, date and shop and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff!
Faith, Hope, and Trick

Buffy: Hello, my life, how I've missed you.
Faith, Hope, and Trick

"What the hell is that creepy little thing doing in my yard? Did Willow put that there while I was dead? 'Cause if I'd have known, I'd have crawled out of the grave sooner."
-Buffy, on finding a garden gnome in her front yard, Entropy

"I think I speak for everyone when I say 'huh'?"
-Buffy

"Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says Please. And afterwards I get a cookie."
-Buffy

"Gotta love a gal with an anvil."
-Buffy, 'Fool For Love'

"Is that the funny part?"
-Buffy

"Gilesat16? Less together-guy, more bad-magik-hates-the-world-ticking-time-bomb-guy."
-Buffy, BandCandy

"You're breaking up with your car?"
-Buffy

"What is it with vampires and clothes?You always think the march of fashion stopped dead the day you did."
  Buffy, Pilot

"If the apocalypse comes,beep me."
-Buffy Summers, Never Kill A Boy On The First Date

BUFFY:We can do this the hard way, or...Actually,there's just the hard way!
  Welcome to the Hellmouth

  BUFFY: God, I'm so mentally challenged.
  The Harvest

  BUFFY (when Giles finds the ring of the dead vampire):That's great. I kill' em, you fence their stuff.
  Never Kill a Boy On the First Date

  BUFFY(toCordelia):Your mouth is open, sound is coming from it. This is never good.
  When She Was Bad

 BUFFY: Sorry,but I'm an old-fashioned gal.I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and women have the babies.
  Some Assembly Required

  BUFFY:Love makes you do the wacky.
  Some Assembly Required

  BUFFY:Seeing my mom Frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to therapy-land.
  Ted

  BUFFY: I wish dating was like slaying.Simple, direct, stake to the heart...
  Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

  BUFFY(toWillow):Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
  Becoming,Pt.1

  BUFFY:What about homeschooling? It's not just for scary religious people anymore.
  Dead Man'sParty

  BUFFY:You've awakened the Prom Queen within.
  Homecoming

  BUFFY:Hummers. Big turn off. I like guys who can remember the lyrics.
  Helpless

"Spike! You're covered in sexy wounds!"
-Buffy-bot, Intervention

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"100% Swedish, 100% gorgeous, 100% staying at my house!"
-Cordelia, Inca Mummy Girl

"Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it."
-Cordelia

  CORDELIA:(seeing Angel forthe first time) Hello, salty goodness!
  Never Kill A Boy On The First Date

  CORDELIA: I aspire to help my fellow man. Check. As long as he's not smelly, dirty or something gross.
  What's My Line, Pt.1

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"I think you're just freaking out because you have to fight someone prettier than you."
-Dawn, talking to Buffy about fighting Glory

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  DRUSILLA(toAngel):You've been a very bad daddy.
  What's My Line, Pt.2

  DRUSILLA: Met an old man. Didn't like him. He got stuck in my teeth.
  Becoming,Pt.1

  DRUSILLA: Psst...We're gonna destroy the world.Wanna come?
  Innocence

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"Thank God we're hot chicks with super powers!"
-Faith

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"Oh, as usual, dear."
-Giles

"I hope this isn't a return.  Everyone wants petrified hamsters and then they're never happy with them."
 - Giles, proprietor of The Magic Box, on the trials and tribulations of retail

Things involving the computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such, I'd be more in my element.
-Giles

Giles: "Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me."

"I don't care what time it is, unlock his cell, unstrap him, and bring him to the phone!"
- Giles, Teacher's Pet

"Do I have any special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eyebeams?"
- Giles, A New Man

I've been awake all night. I know I'm supposed to teach you self-reliance, but I can't leave you out there to fight alone. To hell with what's right, I'm ready to back you up. Let's find the evil a-and fight it together.'
Giles
The Freshman

"Well, it did seduce me,all red and sporty!"
- Giles

  GILES:I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming the text.
  Ted

  GILES: Once again, I teeter on the precipice of the generation gap.
  Out of Sight, Out of Mind

  GILES(on Buffy's breakup with Angel): I understand this sort of thing requires icecream of some kind.
  The Prom

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"I may be a cold-blooded  jelly donut, but my timing is impeccable."
- Oz

"Once again The Hellmouth puts the 'special' in 'special occasion'."
-- Oz, The Prom

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"Summers, you drive like a spaz!"
-Principal Snider, BandCandy

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"No more chick pit for you!"
-Riley, to Giles, Buffy vs Dracula

"What were you going to do?Nuzzle them to death?"
-Riley, Buffy VS. Dracula

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  SPIKE:So,who do you kill for fun around here?
  School Hard

"I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."
-Spike, Lover'sWalk

"I'm surrounded by idiots--What's new with you?"
-Spike, SchoolHard

SPIKE:Love's a funny thing.
  Lover's Walk

"Cup of tea, cup a tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea. Demon monks. Shoulda gone to Vegas."
-Spike describing Giles' life

"If you tell anyone we had this conversation, I'll bite you."
-Spike (to Andrew)

"Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore."
--Spike, explaining his chip

"I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians! You won! Alright? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did and he's not going around saying "I came, I conquered, I feel really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends - you had better weapons and you massacred them. End of story."
Spike,  "Pangs"

"Have you ever seen a chaos demon? All slime and antlers--they're disgusting!"
-Spike

"You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda."
- Spike

Oh, please. If every vampire who says he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would've been like Woodstock. Let me tell you something, I was actually at Woodstock. Now, that was something. I fed off of a flower person and spent the next six hours watching my hand move.
-Spike

'Angel's as dull as a table lamp. And we have very different coloring.'
-Spike

'Now. Any of you want to test who's got the biggest wrinklies'round here... step on up.'
Spike
School Hard

'End my torment. Seeing you, every day, everywhere I go, every time I turn around. Take me out of a world that has you in it! Just kill me!'
Spike
Out of My Mind

'Don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on.'
Spike
Checkpoint

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"Raiding an Englishman's fridge is like dating a nun: You're never gonna get the good stuff."
-Whistler, opening Giles' refrigerator

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 WILLOW(toAngel):You're going to live forever--you don'thave time for a cup of coffee?!
  Reptile Boy

  WILLOW(on why Angel was in her room}:Ours is a forbidden love!
  Lie To Me

  WILLOW:Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did you?
  Doppelgangland

"I brought marshmallows.Occasionally,I'm callous and strange."
  -Willow Rosenberg, TheZeppo

"His aura has a penis."
-Willow, Him

"I, too, know the love of a taciturn man..."
-Willow

"Not during the day... but you could ask him for coffee some night. It's the non-relationship drink of choice. It's not a date, it's a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it's hot and bitter, like a relationship that way, but..."
-Willow

"I'm so evil and skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay."
-Willow, talking about Vampire-Willow

"In my world,there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies."
-Evil Willow, Doppelgangland

 'Uh-oh. Puppy got out.'
Evil Willow
The Wish

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"We'll go. We'll deal. We'll help. That's what we do."
- Xander Harris

"Does anybody else miss the mayor? *I just want to be a big snake?* "
-Xander, talking about Adam

"I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend. That's insane troll logic."
-Xander, talking to Olaf the troll

  XANDER:Would lap-dancing enter into that scenario at all?' Coz I find that *very* comforting.
  Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

  XANDER: It's officially nippy. So say my nips.
  Go Fish

    XANDER:I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex.
  Innocence

  XANDER:A black eye heals, but cowardice has an unlimited shelflife.
  Halloween

  XANDER(toCordelia): I don't know what everybody's talking about.That outfit doesn't make you look like
  a hooker.
  Angel

  XANDER: I laugh in the face of danger. Then, I hide until it goes away.
 The Witch

Xander: ...I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is 'Angel' anyway?
Teacher's Pet

Xander on Angel: He's a very attractive man! How come *that* never came up?
Teacher's Pet

Xander: No. Just blowing off steam. Two guys rasslin'. But not in a gay way.
The Zeppo

 'I'm a conquistador... I'm a comfortador also.'
Xander, Restless

"Right, when people are much older and richer and far less stupid."
-Xander, talking about having children

"Okay, Giles and orgies in the same sentence. I could have done without that one."
- Xander

"I like chocolate--there is no bad here."
-Xander, BandCandy

"I'm just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain."
-Xander

"Sometimes I think of two girls doing a spell...and then I do a spell of my own...."
-Xander

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Wesley: Find anything?
Giles: Six course banquet of nothing with a scoop of sod-all as a palate cleanser.
'Enemies '

Xander: Holy moly!
Buffy: I know.
Xander: I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too?

Spike: You shouldn't be so flip, luv.
Buffy: What are you gonna do, walk behind me to death?

Buffy: "How bored WERE you last year?"
Giles: "I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it."

HARMONY: You love that tunnel more than me.
SPIKE: I love syphilis more than you.

SPIKE: Wipe your feet when you enter a person's home.
GILES: Yes, careless of me. Tracking mud all over your mud.
SPIKE: I'll admit... bit of a fixer-upper. Needs a woman's touch. Care to have a crack at it?

Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... Bloody hell! Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!
Giles: Welcome to the nancy tribe.

Oz: "Look. Monkey. And he has a little hat. And little pants."
Willow: "Yeah. I see."
Oz: "The monkey is the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that? So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sort of ripped? Like, is the hippo going 'hey man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity.' And you know the monkey's just 'I mock you with my monkey pants,' then there's a big coup at the zoo."
Willow: "The monkey's French?"
Oz: "All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?"

Angelus: What can I say? I just love to see you smile, buddy.
Spike: Yeah. You're a giver.

Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy duddy?
Giles: Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.
Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy duddy?
Giles: No, actually, that part usually gets left out. I can't imagine why.

Giles: Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is the better part of valor.
Xander: You could've just said "shh!" God, are all you Brits such drama queens?

Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night, and I'm kind of nervous about it actually. It's interesting
Willow: Well, if it helps at all, I'm going to say yes.
Oz: Yeah, it helps, it creates a comfort zone. Do you want to go out with me tomorrow night?
Willow (remembering Buffy's party): Oh! I can't!
Oz: Okay I like that you're unpredictable.

XANDER: I'm undressing Scott Bakula as we speak!
ANDREW: mmm, Captain Archer

BUFFY: Giles, do you have the Jonathan Swimsuit Calendar?
GILES: No!...Yes...it was a gift...

XANDER: "No one is judging you.  It's understandable - Spike is strong and mysterious, and sort of compact, but well-muscled..."
BUFFY: "I am not having sex with Spike!  But I'm starting to think that you might be."
-Intervention

RILEY:"There's something alittle off about her."
GRAHAM:"Maybe she's Canadian."

"Is there anything you don't know everything about?"
"Synchronized swimming. It's a complete mystery to me."
- Willow & Giles, Lessons

GILES:"We few,we happy few..."
SPIKE:"We band of buggered."

    CORDELIA:Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
  XANDER: Karma?
  Some Assembly Required

  BUFFY:Have I ever let you down?
  GILES:Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?
  The Dark Age

  GILES(ontheSATs):It's a rite of passage.
  BUFFY:Is it too late to join a tribe where they just pierce something or cut something off?
  Band Candy

  BUFFY:I'm like that kid in the story,the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.
  ANGEL:Dyke.It's another word for dam.
  BUFFY:OK, that story makes a whole lot more sense now.
  Gingerbread

  WILLOW:Sounds like your mom's in a state of denial.
  BUFFY:More like a continent.
  Choices

 GUY:My parents grounded me!
  OTHERGUY:You should sue.
  GUY:No way.My dad's lawyer is *way* better than mine!
  Pilot

  ANYA:When I think something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit.
  XANDER:Welcome to the world of romance.
  Graduation Day,Pt.1
 

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