BUFFY
THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
It
came
from the Hellmouth: the wit and wisdom of Buffy and the Scooby Gang
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW THIS WEEK:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOSS
WHEDON,
King of continuity....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xander,
speculating on how the Sunnydale School District will fill the
position
of SD HS principal: "You gotta wonder how they'll advertise that
position.
'Wanted, school administrator; indigestibility a bonus.'"
"The Giles Thing
II" by Dr. Squidlove
"You know how it
is.
One minute you're tracking down the guy who can get a message
through
to your dead parents and the next thing you know you're having wild
monkey
sex in the Days Inn with a dead Chinese guy."
-Connor, in
Reremouse's
BtVS story "Three"
"Look,
I understand. at least, I think I understand, what they did. 'S kinda
one
of my better gifts, understanding. That's what happens when you make a
vampire out of a bad poet."
-Spike,
'Headfirst:
Resting Places' by Narcolepticcat
"...you
would think that I would catch on to them being these slimy, lying,
back-stabbing
bastards after getting screwed the first dozen times or so. I'm
writing
that in my address book. G for government, first name-bastards,
address-slimysville,
phone number-1-900-we-suck."
-Buffy
on
the Initiative, the Army, and by extension, the U.S. Government, in
Litgal's
BtVS story "Experience Curve"
"I'm listening --
with beer." Spike, having pulled a beer out of his briefcase
during
a staff meeting, gets a dirty look from Angel - 'Angel',
"Underneath"
^^^^^
"There
is definitely something sexy about a girl with an attitude and a pair
of
leather pants."
-Eliza
Dushku
^^^^^^^
A
lot
of characters are unabashedly bisexual in Torchwood; in fact my
character's
way beyond bisexual, my character will do anything that has a hole!
James
Marsters
"I
just
got back from filming Dragonball, so I'm healing from that. I'm going
back
to do Smallville next week and think I'll be doing Torchwood again
before
too long. Then resting, and basically working out - Dragonball is all
about
muscles and I can't be doing the press tour for it without muscles. I
gotta
pump my pecs. Girls like boobs too, you know."
James
Marsters
"I
had
to confront my own homophobia, which I thought, I didn’t have any of.
I’ve
grown up in the theatre and I thought I didn’t have any of that. It’s
not
really about being gay; it’s about the incredible price you pay if
you’re
not yourself; if you choose to live a lie."
-James
Marsters, on his film Venetian Heat
"Continuity
is for wusses."
James
Marsters, GenCon Q&A, Milwaukee, WI, August 5, 2002
"I
uh-found……I’ve
had some unsuccessful relationships with women. Uh….and, without
knowing
it, lived lies, women have ...their own reasons…"
-James
Marsters
Q:
If
you could say one thing to Spike, give him a piece of advice, and/or
converse
with him about anything... what would you choose and why?
James
Marsters: Get over Buffy - you deserve better!
-
From the September Q&A at James Marsters official website
www.jamesmarsters.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'That's
a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett.'
Andrew
Smashed
Andrew:You saw her (Willow), she's a truck driving magic momma and we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers and not one of you bunch has the midichlorines to stop her.
Andrew:Warren's the boss, he's Picard, you're Diana Troi, get used to the feeling Betazoid.
"Sexual
tension you could cut with a knife!"
-Andrew,
on
Spike and Principal Wood
"I
admit,
I went over to the dark side, but just to pick up a few things, and now
I'm back. I've learned. I'm good again."
-Andrew
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'll
never leave.Not even if you kill me."
-Angel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Bunnies!
Bunnies! It must be bunnies!"
-Anya,Once
More,With Feeling
"Can I trade in my children for more cash?" - Anya, playing "Life" for the first time
"...and
then if you wanted to join me under that table....I'm kidding,
kidding...I'm
more of an on the table kind of girl..."
-Anya
"Jet-lag
from hell's gotta be... jet-lag from hell."
-Anya
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy: All right,
yes, date and shop and hang out and go to school and save the world
from
unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff!
Faith, Hope, and
Trick
Buffy: Hello, my
life,
how I've missed you.
Faith, Hope, and
Trick
"What
the hell is that creepy little thing doing in my yard? Did Willow put
that
there while I was dead? 'Cause if I'd have known, I'd have crawled out
of the grave sooner."
-Buffy,
on
finding a garden gnome in her front yard, Entropy
"I
think
I speak for everyone when I say 'huh'?"
-Buffy
"Whenever
Giles sends me on a mission, he always says Please. And afterwards I
get
a cookie."
-Buffy
"Gotta
love a gal with an anvil."
-Buffy,
'Fool
For Love'
"Is
that the funny part?"
-Buffy
"Gilesat16?
Less together-guy, more
bad-magik-hates-the-world-ticking-time-bomb-guy."
-Buffy,
BandCandy
"You're
breaking up with your car?"
-Buffy
"What
is it with vampires and clothes?You always think the march of fashion
stopped
dead the day you did."
Buffy, Pilot
"If
the apocalypse comes,beep me."
-Buffy
Summers, Never Kill A Boy On The First Date
BUFFY:We
can do this the hard way, or...Actually,there's just the hard way!
Welcome
to the Hellmouth
BUFFY: God, I'm so mentally challenged.
The
Harvest
BUFFY (when Giles finds the ring of the dead vampire):That's
great.
I kill' em, you fence their stuff.
Never
Kill a Boy On the First Date
BUFFY(toCordelia):Your mouth is open, sound is coming from it.
This
is never good.
When
She Was Bad
BUFFY:
Sorry,but I'm an old-fashioned gal.I was raised to believe that men dig
up the corpses and women have the babies.
Some
Assembly Required
BUFFY:Love makes you do the wacky.
Some
Assembly Required
BUFFY:Seeing my mom Frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to
therapy-land.
Ted
BUFFY: I wish dating was like slaying.Simple, direct, stake to the
heart...
Bewitched,
Bothered and Bewildered
BUFFY(toWillow):Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Becoming,Pt.1
BUFFY:What about homeschooling? It's not just for scary religious
people
anymore.
Dead
Man'sParty
BUFFY:You've awakened the Prom Queen within.
Homecoming
BUFFY:Hummers. Big turn off. I like guys who can remember the lyrics.
Helpless
"Spike!
You're covered in sexy wounds!"
-Buffy-bot,
Intervention
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"100%
Swedish, 100% gorgeous, 100% staying at my house!"
-Cordelia,
Inca
Mummy Girl
"Whatever
is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain,
spank
your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it."
-Cordelia
CORDELIA:(seeing Angel forthe first time) Hello, salty goodness!
Never
Kill A Boy On The First Date
CORDELIA: I aspire to help my fellow man. Check. As long as he's not
smelly,
dirty or something gross.
What's
My Line, Pt.1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I
think
you're just freaking out because you have to fight someone prettier
than
you."
-Dawn,
talking
to Buffy about fighting Glory
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DRUSILLA(toAngel):You've been a very bad daddy.
What's
My Line, Pt.2
DRUSILLA: Met an old man. Didn't like him. He got stuck in my teeth.
Becoming,Pt.1
DRUSILLA: Psst...We're gonna destroy the world.Wanna come?
Innocence
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Thank
God we're hot chicks with super powers!"
-Faith
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh,
as usual, dear."
-Giles
"I
hope
this isn't a return. Everyone wants petrified hamsters and then
they're
never happy with them."
-
Giles, proprietor of The Magic Box, on the trials and tribulations
of
retail
Things
involving the computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were
a nice ogre or some such, I'd be more in my element.
-Giles
Giles: "Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me."
"I
don't
care what time it is, unlock his cell, unstrap him, and bring him to
the
phone!"
-
Giles,
Teacher's
Pet
"Do
I have any special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling
eyebeams?"
-
Giles,
A
New Man
I've
been awake all night. I know I'm supposed to teach you self-reliance,
but
I can't leave you out there to fight alone. To hell with what's right,
I'm ready to back you up. Let's find the evil a-and fight it together.'
Giles
The
Freshman
"Well,
it did seduce me,all red and sporty!"
-
Giles
GILES:I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming the text.
Ted
GILES: Once again, I teeter on the precipice of the generation gap.
Out
of Sight, Out of Mind
GILES(on Buffy's breakup with Angel): I understand this sort of thing
requires
icecream of some kind.
The
Prom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I
may
be a cold-blooded jelly donut, but my timing is impeccable."
- Oz
"Once
again The Hellmouth puts the 'special' in 'special occasion'."
--
Oz, The Prom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Summers,
you drive like a spaz!"
-Principal
Snider, BandCandy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"No
more chick pit for you!"
-Riley,
to
Giles, Buffy vs Dracula
"What
were you going to do?Nuzzle them to death?"
-Riley,
Buffy
VS. Dracula
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SPIKE:So,who do you kill for fun around here?
School
Hard
"I
may
be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."
-Spike,
Lover'sWalk
"I'm
surrounded by idiots--What's new with you?"
-Spike,
SchoolHard
SPIKE:Love's
a funny thing.
Lover's
Walk
"Cup
of tea, cup a tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea. Demon monks. Shoulda
gone to Vegas."
-Spike
describing
Giles' life
"If
you tell anyone we had this conversation, I'll bite you."
-Spike
(to
Andrew)
"Spike
had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other
puppies
anymore."
--Spike,
explaining
his chip
"I just can't take
all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians! You won!
Alright?
You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what
conquering
nations do. It's what Caesar did and he's not going around saying "I
came,
I conquered, I feel really bad about it." The history of the world is
not
people making friends - you had better weapons and you massacred them.
End of story."
Spike,
"Pangs"
"Have
you ever seen a chaos demon? All slime and antlers--they're disgusting!"
-Spike
"You
were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda."
-
Spike
Oh,
please. If every vampire who says he was at the crucifixion was
actually
there, it would've been like Woodstock. Let me tell you something, I
was
actually at Woodstock. Now, that was something. I fed off of a flower
person
and spent the next six hours watching my hand move.
-Spike
'Angel's
as dull as a table lamp. And we have very different coloring.'
-Spike
'Now.
Any of you want to test who's got the biggest wrinklies'round here...
step
on up.'
Spike
School
Hard
'End
my torment. Seeing you, every day, everywhere I go, every time I turn
around.
Take me out of a world that has you in it! Just kill me!'
Spike
Out
of My Mind
'Don't
make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on.'
Spike
Checkpoint
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Raiding
an Englishman's fridge is like dating a nun: You're never gonna get the
good stuff."
-Whistler,
opening
Giles' refrigerator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WILLOW(toAngel):You're
going to live forever--you don'thave time for a cup of coffee?!
Reptile
Boy
WILLOW(on why Angel was in her room}:Ours is a forbidden love!
Lie
To Me
WILLOW:Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did you?
Doppelgangland
"I
brought
marshmallows.Occasionally,I'm callous and strange."
-Willow Rosenberg, TheZeppo
"His
aura has a penis."
-Willow,
Him
"I,
too, know the love of a taciturn man..."
-Willow
"Not
during the day... but you could ask him for coffee some night. It's the
non-relationship drink of choice. It's not a date, it's a caffeinated
beverage.
Okay, sure, it's hot and bitter, like a relationship that way, but..."
-Willow
"I'm
so evil and skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay."
-Willow,
talking
about Vampire-Willow
"In
my world,there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies."
-Evil
Willow, Doppelgangland
'Uh-oh.
Puppy got out.'
Evil
Willow
The
Wish
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"We'll
go. We'll deal. We'll help. That's what we do."
-
Xander
Harris
"Does
anybody else miss the mayor? *I just want to be a big snake?* "
-Xander,
talking
about Adam
"I'm
not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend. That's insane
troll
logic."
-Xander,
talking
to Olaf the troll
XANDER:Would lap-dancing enter into that scenario at all?' Coz I find
that
*very* comforting.
Bewitched,
Bothered and Bewildered
XANDER: It's officially nippy. So say my nips.
Go
Fish
XANDER:I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex.
Innocence
XANDER:A black eye heals, but cowardice has an unlimited shelflife.
Halloween
XANDER(toCordelia): I don't know what everybody's talking
about.That
outfit doesn't make you look like
a hooker.
Angel
XANDER: I laugh in the face of danger. Then, I hide until it goes away.
The
Witch
Xander:
...I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while
we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is 'Angel' anyway?
Teacher's
Pet
Xander
on
Angel: He's a very attractive man! How come *that* never came up?
Teacher's
Pet
Xander:
No. Just blowing off steam. Two guys rasslin'. But not in a gay way.
The
Zeppo
'I'm
a conquistador... I'm a comfortador also.'
Xander,
Restless
"Right,
when people are much older and richer and far less stupid."
-Xander,
talking
about having children
"Okay,
Giles and orgies in the same sentence. I could have done without that
one."
-
Xander
"I
like
chocolate--there is no bad here."
-Xander,
BandCandy
"I'm
just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of
pain."
-Xander
"Sometimes
I think of two girls doing a spell...and then I do a spell of my
own...."
-Xander
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wesley:
Find anything?
Giles:
Six course banquet of nothing with a scoop of sod-all as a palate
cleanser.
'Enemies
'
Xander:
Holy moly!
Buffy:
I know.
Xander:
I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too?
Spike:
You shouldn't be so flip, luv.
Buffy:
What are you gonna do, walk behind me to death?
Buffy:
"How bored WERE you last year?"
Giles:
"I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it."
HARMONY:
You love that tunnel more than me.
SPIKE:
I love syphilis more than you.
SPIKE:
Wipe your feet when you enter a person's home.
GILES:
Yes, careless of me. Tracking mud all over your mud.
SPIKE:
I'll admit... bit of a fixer-upper. Needs a woman's touch. Care to have
a crack at it?
Spike:
Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with
that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... Bloody hell!
Sodding,
blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!
Giles:
Welcome to the nancy tribe.
Oz:
"Look. Monkey. And he has a little hat. And little pants."
Willow:
"Yeah. I see."
Oz:
"The monkey is the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you
know
that? So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sort of
ripped?
Like, is the hippo going 'hey man, where are my pants? I have my hippo
dignity.' And you know the monkey's just 'I mock you with my monkey
pants,'
then there's a big coup at the zoo."
Willow:
"The monkey's French?"
Oz:
"All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?"
Angelus:
What can I say? I just love to see you smile, buddy.
Spike:
Yeah. You're a giver.
Jenny:
Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy duddy?
Giles:
Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.
Jenny:
Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy duddy?
Giles:
No, actually, that part usually gets left out. I can't imagine why.
Giles:
Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is the better part of valor.
Xander:
You could've just said "shh!" God, are all you Brits such drama queens?
Oz:
I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night, and I'm kind of
nervous
about it actually. It's interesting
Willow:
Well, if it helps at all, I'm going to say yes.
Oz:
Yeah, it helps, it creates a comfort zone. Do you want to go out with
me
tomorrow night?
Willow
(remembering Buffy's party): Oh! I can't!
Oz:
Okay I like that you're unpredictable.
XANDER:
I'm undressing Scott Bakula as we speak!
ANDREW:
mmm, Captain Archer
BUFFY:
Giles, do you have the Jonathan Swimsuit Calendar?
GILES:
No!...Yes...it was a gift...
XANDER:
"No one is judging you. It's understandable - Spike is strong and
mysterious, and sort of compact, but well-muscled..."
BUFFY:
"I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that
you
might be."
-Intervention
RILEY:"There's
something alittle off about her."
GRAHAM:"Maybe
she's Canadian."
"Is
there anything you don't know everything about?"
"Synchronized
swimming. It's a complete mystery to me."
-
Willow
& Giles, Lessons
GILES:"We
few,we happy few..."
SPIKE:"We
band of buggered."
CORDELIA:Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
XANDER: Karma?
Some
Assembly Required
BUFFY:Have I ever let you down?
GILES:Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?
The
Dark Age
GILES(ontheSATs):It's a rite of passage.
BUFFY:Is it too late to join a tribe where they just pierce something
or
cut something off?
Band
Candy
BUFFY:I'm like that kid in the story,the boy that stuck his finger in
the
duck.
ANGEL:Dyke.It's another word for dam.
BUFFY:OK, that story makes a whole lot more sense now.
Gingerbread
WILLOW:Sounds like your mom's in a state of denial.
BUFFY:More like a continent.
Choices
GUY:My
parents grounded me!
OTHERGUY:You should sue.
GUY:No way.My dad's lawyer is *way* better than mine!
Pilot
ANYA:When I think something could happen to you, it feels bad inside,
like
I might vomit.
XANDER:Welcome to the world of romance.
Graduation
Day,Pt.1