The Musings of Ed Delicious

Well, he *is* sort of the Prince of Wales now, isn’t he?  Or PoW once removed?  So, he’s kind of the head of Wales…maybe he can get Russell Davies to stop ruining Torchwood.  Maybe that’s why RTD moved the show to the States…

 You have to picture me with a monacle and a pith helmet for this, but here we go: "That's the Raj for you." [sips tea while sitting on a chair on a tiger-skin rug next to a hunting rifle]. Oppressive, Eurocentric comedy moment over.  For now.

Once something is licked, it can’t be unlicked.  Remember that, kids, and think before you lick.

“Toddlers and Tiaras”?  IT’s the scariest show on TV right now.  How bad is the spelling and grammar in the Southern U.S. these days?  On the episode we watched last night, they went to a spa called “Xscape” before participating in the…what the hell was it called again, Whit?  Whatever the pageant name was, there was a “Z” where it shouldn’t’ve been (was it “Fantazy Princess”?), and this one lady (we’re still not sure she was born female, or that she was during filming.  At all) talked about how her daughter was gonna “Luxuriate on across dat stage”.   Of course, this was all before the pageant started running 2 ½ hours behind and the Pageant Organizer ran off during the damn thing with everyone’s money. Never before has the phrase “hot mess” been so allegedly accurate.  Well, except there was nothing hot about any of it.  And I may require therapy now.  And would someone please tell the “Deadliest Catch” people that crabs are not the deadliest catch?  Crabs are, by all accounts, merely the itchiest catch; the deadliest catch would more likely be something like Man, Ebola Zaire, an angry Orangutan, a Shark with a frickin’ laser beam attached to its head, or a bear who not only has a shotgun, but knows how to use it.

I just realized we’ve kind of pumped the Supernatural S2 well completely dry.  Huh.
(well, maybe he has...)

And Hamsters eat Cardboard. That’s a Top Gear Fact.

It's getting it in her without waking her that's the problem.

Today is managing to both suck and blow.  I’m not sure if it’s alternating, within the realm of physical possibility, or if it’s doing both at once, in pure defiance of nature.

If this were Ghostbusters, a giant marshmallow man would be a picnic compared to what our cumulative bad psychic mojo would bring on us.

A few deep breaths, though, and I am a leaf on the wind, and a ninja that can solve almost any niggling problem. Of course, we all know what happens to leaves on the wind: they get impaled by giant grappling hooks.

Yeah…I’m a wee bit frightened at the bit where I now both like and kind of care about cars. Bit proud of the KIA for the camper trip last night. Still not proud of Clarkson for burning down the caravan, and less proud of the Hamster for accidentally torching the neighbor’s tent.

Sometimes cats want nothing more than for you to sit still so that they may sleep beside you, feeling oddly protected by you.  This presumably goes on until the first Christmas you dress them in a wee sweater and little kitty antlers.  I have a feeling it is at that point that love becomes magically reassigned as a one-way street.

  I’m tired of trying to divert the course of mighty rivers, even if they are headed…somewhere dangerous for a river.  I think my metaphor got swept away in the current.

Russell had best be in the fucking popemobile the entire weekend. He is now officially not invited to brunch, and all of his work retroactively sucks.  Hmph.
There'd better be some sort of sick reset happening here. Fucking prick.
-on TW:CoE

It needs two cups--I think I'm afraid of it already!

Stop it! We don't want to bring all the boys to the yard!
(on Clint shaking Whitney's chair)

Grade 12 is the year you get the Grad Photo taken, and that's what they use in the yearbook.  That shot where you have a large book open in front of you, and you're staring off into space like some profundity has dropped on you like an elephant whose 'chute didn't open.

Had I been thinking, it could’ve been a Dr. Who theme with Torchwood undertones.  Perhaps for a  “welcome home Michele” party.  We’ll get Mitchell to put on a suit to serve coffee.  Maybe someone wants to wear a steel bathing suit.  We’ll order a pizza.  End of theme.

I assume any attempt I would make to get her to dress like Rose Tyler while I was wearing Converse Runners, a blue suit and a trenchcoat would either give away the party angle or have her asking questions like, “what are you trying to make happen here, anyway?”

  "I could handle the mint, but it was kinda gritty..."

I’d suggest Brewster’s North again, but I’m sure Mitchell would rather eat bees.

I believe, and correct me if I’m wrong, that Mitchell isn’t “down” with the inherent deliciousness of mushrooms.

Dunno why when I read this, I see “All right, pizza tits”, but I get offended every time I glance at it.

"Is it Ben, or Jerry?"--on the special man in Crystal's life

"If I applaud for her, it's going to be in Latin, with Holy Water."

"It's like an environmental movement where we save a tree's worth of kleenex."

I heard from my wife this morning, but all she said was, “Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier”.  Which made me laugh.  I replied with “Pants: 0 [poop]:1”

I just had my Root Canal appointment made for Thursday morning.  Why so soon? Because part of my tooth decided to shank itself off while I was eating a sandwich for lunch. Not a gravel sandwich, or a Petrified Black Forest on Literal Marble Rye …just an Italian sandwich.

I cried when that old woman in The Notebook didn't fucking regenerate.

"My coworkers are like Magic 8-Balls...sometimes I have to shake them until I get the answer I want."

"That's why they say, 'Write what you know': doing research is hard work."

"I'm going to make you a T-Shirt that says, 'what I do for coke doesn't make me Gay'."

"I'll lift up my shirt for a shooter, but I'm not wearing a bra, so they can't hang it above the bar.  But I think the fact that I'm going braless should be getting me free drinks"

"That thing wasn't a Sex Toy; it was a Home Security Device.  If a guy broke into your house and you came charging down the stairs, swinging that thing over your head like a lunatic, that robber would hightail it out of there and never look back..."

No one should ever have to wake up to something like this on April 28th, you know? It's probably because March came in like a Lion, and went out like a Deadbeat Dad. For "milk", or "cigarettes". And now April just sits there on the sofa, watching Dr. Phil and drinking Jack Daniels out of a coffee mug. March sucked this year. (on snow)

I also heard the term "Wincest" to describe Sam and Dean being 'together'.  This leads me to the title "A Win-Win situation" for a story I hope someone else has written.

You want stubble-butter, that's extra.

There needs to be more GOsh...
(uh, no, there really doesn't)

I don't know why I'm so fucking awesome, but I'm just the goddamn batman.

He'll probably be confused by the interface and call to complain about his bill: "Why doesn't my phone work?" "That's because no-one is calling you, sir. The phone works fine, it's your career that's dead". Oh, SNAP!

Andrea and I both think that Owen is a monkey-faced prick who is nearly impossible to sympathize with.

They might as well have done a singing tribute to “two girls; one cup”.  At least with that one, the crap doesn’t pretend to be anything other than crap.
-on the Oscars

You have certainly switched sides.  If this were risk, her pieces would be all over your Kamchatka.  Funniest country name in Risk, that.

 I’m getting close to roughly dismantling some people with my teeth.

 I totally get the need to vent when it’s gone slightly pear-shaped on you, so I can dig it.

This is the kind of work week where we’re on the wrong end of the Donkey Show.  Sometimes, you’re the donkey, and sometimes…

Hey, don’t complain: this is my revenge for you introducing me to Slash theory.
click the link for the whole "kill Gwen not Ianto" story...

So yesterday, in the paper, there was a banner ad from Denny’s (very funny, by the way), talking about how, with the way restaurant breakfasts tend to come with whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles and chocolate sauce and all that, that it’s obvious the restaurants have been taken over by Circus Clowns. As a way of combating the Circus Clown menace, Denny’s would offer free Grand Slam breakfasts across North America today from 6 am – 2 pm. So I got up at 5:55 today to get out to Denny’s before work.  Not the greatest breakfast you’ll ever have, granted, but totally worth it.

So I’ll move the brunch reservations, change the event page, and see if I can arrange for Winter to stick around a while longer so you don’t miss it completely.

That would seem to be the first and foremost news in my world, sadly enough.
Hey, while we’re on the subject of tastelessness, did I ever tell you that I coined a phrase again?  When a dude is really entering territory he shouldn’t be entering; when he’s really not picking his moment correctly?  That’s what I like to call “teabagging a bear-trap”.  Like answering the question, “Do these pants make my ass look fat?”.  That question?  Bear-trap.

“um…yeah.  Ianto was just sleepwanking.  Walking!  He was just sleepwalking.”

 I…don’t know what to say.  It’s kind of awesome, and I’m glad it’s a kid’s toy as opposed to an…adult’s toy. How much slash would you write in secret UV ink?
if Michele had a sonic screwdriver...

"I'm wary of sudden onset, lasting illnesses from foreign countries".

I don't need my wife playing the Oprah Game by getting the Bird 'Flu, y'know?

I've already heard enough about first lady fashion to utter my own, "so help me, God..."

"That is not the car of a man who has consensual sex"
(in response to a sticker both saying and showing "the shocker" on a Hummer).

Now get me a time machine…daddy needs to be taller, with hair and better teeth.  Oh, and make my eyes greyer.  That’s cool.
(on genetic manipulation)

In one week, my odometer flips again, and I’m rollin’ double threes.

I’m still young!  When I dance the Charleston, I dance it to Kanye, baby.

By the way, I just told Whitney that you got some sort of package in the mail yesterday that felt like a CD.  She twigged on right away that it’s probably your Blue Gillespie album.  I was holding the package in my hands and I apparently couldn’t fire the synapses required to make the connection on my own. “Oh.  Michele has another package.  Feels like a CD.  Wonder what the heck it is.  Better put it on her table.” That was me, right there.  Stupid, stupid me

Stupid departmental pot-luck.  I think I have perogies in my lungs.

Today is Taco Soup day in the cafeteria.  This is big news in my world.  Not earth-shaking, though; that would be the fact that it’s also Carrot Cake day.

I…I…what is going on there, exactly?
(when confronted by a baby Ianto)

"You know what, Garett?"
"Yes, self?"
"All that playing a corpse on CSI Miami was hard work...and your agent is bound to have offers coming in. You should get an iPhone to look important!"
"You know, me, you're right!"

"I feel maligned."

I guess the phrase over there would be, “don’t take any buried eggs”, as wooden nickels are probably not a problem over there.

ON FOOD:
The whitefish, for example, shouldn’t be rotting in the lye.  As I understand it, the lye is supposed to keep the lutefisk (gag) about as preserved as you can get for long, hard winters, and many months of Viking sailing expeditions.  It’s probably also partway to blame for their being so ornery.

French people eat snails?  …  They were either desperate or just plain gross.  I know for a fact that they once had the option of eating cake, and apparently none of them went for it.  They just kept eating snails and cutting of the heads of the upper class.

Some cuisine may be the result of happenstance.  Maybe they forgot they’d put the beaver intestine down there in the first place, and after the set amount of time, remembered it was there, rescued it, and then for whatever reason, tried it out and, even more mysteriously, liked it.  More likely, though, is that this kind of thing is a result of historical Patriarchy, where one guy says to another, “dude, thou hast GOTT to Trye thys!  Verily, it is most repugnante!” and the other fellow tries it, not wanting to looketh like a greate wusse.  Then there is much eye-watering and table banging, and a third dude gets called over, and it just spreads.

Eventually, it just becomes accepted that you need to eat the gross thing, and no-one questions it, when a Matriarchy would’ve just had the good sense to throw out whatever it was and make the Queen consort take her to a nice restaurant instead.

I’m sure half the truly gross items out there are failed attempts by disgruntled servants and assassins to poison the King.

...if I were a duck, I’d migrate *around* the bloody Philippines, where there is less than no accounting for taste, especially when modern life should allow for a Fuddrucker’s there somewhere...

"Just because my wang has no use for the man love...."
(oh, Ianto...)

"This is me, talking Turducken..."

"You have earned a link for being swell people.  We have been discussing turducken off and on all day.  It’s the Cthulhu of foods, I think..."

"The U.S. has a week to congratulate itself on catching up to the rest of the world. Then it's like a two year old: "I pooped by myself!"--only you're not two you're ten!"

“She’s coughing up more green than an ATM”

Not sure what your day has been like, but ours has been a gong show, a goat rodeo and an alligator wrestling match, all rolled into one.

OhhhhhIanto! Hm.  If you look at it on paper, it’s just begging to be a rewrite of “Oklahoma”. I’ll get you started:  ‘tea’ and “Armani” kind of rhyme.  So do “Captain Jack” and “On his back”. Extra points if you can fit in lyrics about his robot girlfriend and keeping a diary.  And maybe false memories of killing women.

My brain is the broken, I think.

I envy you the Invisible Lift.  I should find me a Torchwood Wallpaper.  That way I’ve got Jack and Gwen looking at me…It’s either that, or just think, “What would Jack Harkness do?”  The answer being, “him, him, her, both of them, that one, that sizable hole in the wall…the fire extinguisher seems to have a large nozzle on it…” This, ultimately, is why they’re not selling ‘WWJHD’ Bracelets on bbc.com.That and the bit where Jack could at least shoot himself at his desk just to get a day off.  Not good advice for the average desk jockey.

MORE!  MAKE MORE TORCHWOOD!!!  And also, Zombies.

Since no-one is willing to tell me how the day is going, I’m going to assume it’s a raving pile of dog-crap, then. Doom and gloom.  A raging thunderstorm of dark-cloudy badness, unless you’re Mitchell, in which case it’s merely slightly overcast with not a trace of wind. Utter bollocks.  A steaming coil.  A waking nightmare.  A vegan restaurant.

Seriously.  It’s like I’m a teenager again, ‘cause all food sounds good to me. I wonder if that’s not the first step to eventually needing a crane to getting you out of your house…

"Someone opened that pinata and a hairy drumstick fell out."

"She took some of his youth."

When it rains, it pours.  And sometimes, it’s Acid Rain.  And you’re wearing one of those 1980’s Satin Baseball jackets.  And the Acid Rain is melting big holes in it.

Three is as bad as one.  It’s the loneliest number since the number one (provided two of them are cats). It’s not like I was saving Whitney’s hair and sewing it to her pillow, putting a David Bowie shirt on it and hugging it while watching rom-coms on the couch. I may be crazy, but there’s levels. Mine is the one where I think of these things, but never actually *do* them. It’s a good level to be at.

“That just doesn’t come off as sarcastic…more like gravelly and deep.  Very “monster under the bed”.  That’s why the call that font “chiller”.
(for those of you with format issues, I briefly switched from a 10-point “Arial” to a 16-point “Chiller”.  Ah, Font Humour.  How delightful to play to the PBS crowd.  Send me $100 dollars right now to continue getting quality jokes like these, and I’ll give you this nifty coffee cup* and convenient tote bag**).
* - by which I mean the extra cup on my Tim Hortons XL from this morning.
** - yeah, this one’s my backpack.  It may need replacing very soon.  Just give the the hundy already, dammit.

 “I’d just like to say that, at this point, I’ll be seeing you in EIGHT DAYS.  That means not only could I count down the number of days on my hands, but I could suffer a horrible band-saw accident, lose both my thumbs and STILL be able to count it down!  Of course, I’d have some troubles with day-to-day existence…doors, forks…probably never use chopsticks again…reviewing movies…putting on socks.  That’s a big one.I *would* be able to pull on anything with sleeves significantly faster, though.  It’d be like shaving a swimmer, but more disturbing.Still, let’s not lose any thumbs, shall we?”

“ Oh, and today is the first of our Rider Fridays, so I’m wearing the shirt you bought me!  I almost wore your shirt, but then I’d almost certainly wind up spilling something on it, and you’d know, and there’d be harsh glares abound.  Abound, Whitney.  And I’d be all, “why’s it gotta be like that, Whitney?”, and you’d be all, “Well, why would you wear *my* shirt when you’ve got one of your own, and then you go and spill RED WINE on it, and why were they serving Red Wine in your cafeteria on a Friday, anyway?”, and I’d be all, “it’s what you drink with beef; if they’d had chicken, then it would’ve been white!  But they won’t be doing that again anyway because some people had two glasses and now we have to change the board to say ‘it’s been zero days since our last accident’!  So there! And that’s why I wore my shirt today.

You’re proud.  I can tell.”

“Good morning, fellow co-worker!  I am obviously a booster of the Saskatchewan Roughriders local sports team!  Look at my in-theme T-Shirt!  I can see by your attire that you are a fan of…lemons, perhaps?  You are not in theme!  Conform!  Football!  Boost! Rah Rah Rah!” – yeah, we had a ‘Rider Pride day today…

 “you know the Carpenter’s adage?  Measure Twice and Cut Once?  Well, let’s just say it’s a good thing our business isn’t building houses.”

I’m sure there’s more, but let’s not get crazy.  I’d like to thank Outlook for saving all of my funny in a “sent items” folder.  I’m sure it can all be used as evidence.

Unless this is the <guy> I need to punch in the face, in which case, tell him that he’s just a fat woman trapped in a man’s body, and he longs to lie with Bobby Flay in the most Biblical of Ways.  And then punch him in the neck.

Wouldn’t they rather read a story about Duchovney and Pileggi playing beach volleyball in their shorty shorts?  I mean, sure it’s about as likely to happen as DD working as a Fire Island Lifeguard during his adolescent Years of Discovery™.

I’ve been sneezing so much today I could’ve been running my computer off of wind power.

I don’t want the kitties getting a contact high from cuddles later on.

Little futon poopers. (on the cats)

“The cats do not have the fin rot."

Podsworth (yep. Won't name my bits, but I've named the iPod) is regaling me with a little "Hey Jude" right now, and while I'm nodding my head in time with the music, I find myself wondering which of the Fab Four was relegated to tambourine for this song. Which one had to be the Susan Day on "Hey Jude"? That's like getting four rocket scientists together to discuss a Mars launch and one of them has to make lemonade during the meeting.

Mitchell’s hair today, combined with his striped polo/golf shirt?  He totally reminds me of Elias from Clerks 2.  don’t tell him I said so. One Ring To Rule Them All…

“I’m all up in the ‘burbs, gettin’ my D & D on, yo.  Gettin’ my smite on wit’ some d10s, Elven-Ranger Stylee!  Wiggity wiggity.  Rollin’ da d12s fo’ da Critical Hitz!”

I’ll probably have some sandwiches before I go off to bust some caps in some fools’ asses. And, by “caps”, I mean some arrows.  By “fools”, I mean…goblins and orcs.  But by “bust?  I totally mean bust.  Longbows are wicked, yo.  Nine millimeter, nothin’!  My ammo be over twelve inches long per round, m*tha****er!

Today has been a bit better in terms of actual retardation, but I’m still happily keeping an eye on the Friday evening prize.

Deeper, Faster, Stronger.
I mean, it’s a great…battle cry…I guess.  But it just doesn’t seem appropriate to a Dragon Boat race.  Two out of three ain’t bad, but I fail to see how Deeper fits into the equation in this particular instance. Well, they got my attention at any rate. Pervy ol’ boat race. Next thing you know, they’ll just be talking about men in canoes and stuff.

"And his jizz tastes like chocolate..."
(commenting on the XF novelization version of Walter Skinner)

"There's a bold commentary on how the kids dress: If your business is all outside, who's gonna come in the store?"

"Trauma is my business." (the new catchphrase)

Do you know why I love the Shuffle setting on my iPod? Because it’s what gives me moments like Hayley Mills singing “Let’s Get Together” from the Parent Trap (yeah, I’ve got my wife’s Disney CDs on there, and yeah, it was my choice) going right into a brutal, brutal Slipknot track. And then later, goes from a Rob Zombie remix of “Living Dead Girl” with not one second of silence into one of Jay’s speeches from Mallrats, and no sooner does Mr. Mewes utter “snoogins”, than I get a cover of the “Josie and the Pussycats” theme song. This is the Soundtrack of my life right now.  Revel in it.

We're back, we're sleepy, and Andrea is so our hero right now.

"I should have pulled into that rest stop to have my bum stretched."
(funnier w/out explanation)

"Matthew McConn-a-gay! Yeah, who's with me!"

Mitchell and I are hateful today.  People have earned our contempt, which cannot be used to buy things, though it is stronger than the dollar; stronger than the Euro.
My contempt can hang cinderblocks from its nipples.  So it is both strong and kind of gross.

 ____ has a van with only enough room in it for one person?  I assume the rest of the room is being taken up by the cage, the harness and all the candy…

I know, I’m terrible. It’s what makes me great.

Normally, having tickets, I would not worry about these things, but I pretty much refuse to sit in the frontmost row getting neck strain and having Harrison Ford’s wrinkles coming at me the size of angry Black Bears or NFL Linebackers.
(on getting to the theater early for the Indiana Jones premiere)

Local couple surprised by gay squatter.
A Regina couple was startled to find an out-of-the-closet homosexual living in the closet of their spare room.  The couple first noticed something was amiss when their dishes were being done while they were at work, and fast became concerned as signs became more and more frequent.
“We were going through shampoo like mad, which is weird, because my husband is bald.  I mean, *bald* bald, you know?  Like, shiny-hairless-bald.  Also, our bathroom counter was constantly coated in product.  Also, our computer room smelled a lot less like cat poo and a lot more like body spray,” said the wife.
“For some reason, there were more and more posters of really buff but really naked guys taped to the walls.  I was getting kind of worried about where I stand,” said the husband, who really *is* bald-bald.
“He thinks *he* was worried?  I knew they weren’t mine, and the cats just haven’t been interested in buff-but-hairless men since we got them fixed.  Who do you think I was suspecting?” notes the wife.
(this was based on a news story that some Japanese guy found a woman living in his closet for a year!)

"The Buckhunter is a cruel mistress."
(on a virtual hunting game)

"All I saw in the freezer was hamburger and banality."

I am a sad, sad panda.

So, long intro short, Mitchell and I forgot the coffees on the counter this morning, and at ten-thirty today, we couldn’t take it anymore.  So, digging in our respective office-chair cushions for spare change, we came up with passable money for Tim Horton’s.
Anyway, body of the story: I get to Tim’s, and the new hanging signage is up, and there, hovering in front of me like an Angel, is an announcement: Chocolate Brownie Ice Cap Supreme.
That’s right.  Take it all in, people.  In the same vein as their Chocolate Mint Ice Cap Supreme, and that other kind that I liked better.
If it was a payday, I’d even be able to tell you if it’s good or not.  But it’s not, and I can’t.

The Food Network (not just porn for Fat People anymore…and probably hasn’t been since Nigella Lawson started purring about the Heavy Cream)…

"I blew that like it bought me dinner."

"Now she's playing Jenga with our self-esteem!"

"And if they want honeymoon pictures...."
explaining that Andrea charges more for after the wedding

"And if she brings her own props....they don't sterilize themselves..."
explaining WHY Andrea charges more for after the wedding.

"I have a smaller hairnet underneath--that's coming..."
(the Tim Horton's stripper is way better than the cop or the cowboy)

The Weather Network lied like a bunch of fuckers, and I wish them much crotch-scabies as a result.

I’ve curdled the milk of my wife’s imagination

Hillary, over the course of last night’s episode, gained a lot of respect points in my book for her usage/abusage of the English Language.  I know it’s not the first time I’ve heard the phrase “Bromance”, but their acknowledgment of certain…tensions was well executed. Oh, and if they actually kill CancerGirl, we’re going to have a problem.
(last week, on a very special episode of Kyle XY...)

"God, you're full of shit and mischief tonight!"

"Doesn't this (Monsters Inc.) remind you of a love story? Big hairy, bear-like fella; one-eyed monster; they adopt a kid together or something..."

MC: Avaughna is 21 tonight!
JASON: That's alot of centuries; good for her!

"That is the wrongest feeling thing ever...of course, I've never been in prison."

"C'mon, Roxy, get in touch with your inner fat guy!"
(Bowling for Dollars)

"He's assistant to the shoe sprayer." (on Sean Cullen's career)

 I am staying in at work with Mitchell for a while (not too long a while, I hope, considering my all-too-hopeful dream where I got up and got ready for work before things got really weird – nothing quite like waking up to find out you have to go through the whole routine again.  We’re going to go through checklists and proofread and fill out forms and order pizza and do each others’ hair and call boys we like and hang up on them).

"How cute--she thinks she's people."

"Wait for the deleted scene at the dentist's office--'we're gonna need a different chair'."

"As for that other lady, Craig just has to say <to her> 'I gave you that limp and it made me gay.'"

"You think I'm ridiculous? This guy just shit himself!"
(on wearing a fur hat with a miner's light attached)

"Thank you and I feel like I owe you dinner."
(good service at the bar)

THOMAS: Oh my God, I was two when this came out.
JASON: You were two when YOU came out!

SHANE: She was in Alien vs. Predator.
JASON: Which one was she?

But the best part is the font, a new favourite of mine called “Chiller”, which looks like a left-handed serial killer with three fingers got ahold of an incontinent fountain-pen.

"My sarcastic rhetoric is out of shape."

"Now I have a little light to tell me when you're in..."

"That headdress reminds me...have you seen NBC's fall line up yet?"

"Sometimes my humour is orange juice and toothpaste."

"I want ice cream....bitches...."

"If my brain and your brain were on the Newlywed Game, we'd be winning a trip to Florida!"

"Ezra couldn't top ice cream with a handful of nuts!"

"Game! Set! Match!"

"I'll hobble into your room at the old folk's home with my IPOD just to tell you Storm's fat!"
(guess who he's talking to!)

"Can one of you stand behind the car to make sure I'm backing up fast enough?"

"I'll be the coma patient, and you can be the unethical nurse."

"You cannot have a bum-finger-ear baby!"
-blame Kerry

"They could call it a Cock-In-My-Mouth and I'd still drink it."
-on the merits of the Silver Cloud

"The potatos succumbed to mediocrity..."

"It was some sort of magical rainbow hedgehog from beyond the stars..."
(okay, ya had me til 'beyond the stars')

JASON: What's long and hard and full of semen?
MICHELE: Ezra's hair!
JASON: Kricket's dress...

"Which movie has more zombies--Land of The Dead...or Annie?"

"She's gonna Ike my Tina one of these days."

MICHELE: What she doesn't know won't hurt her.
JASON: She must be damned near invulnerable then.

"...with a face only Helen Keller could love if you cut off her hands and she didn't learn to feel with her stumps..."

"Oh sure, stick your fist up his bum and he won't say a word; stick a tongue in his ear and he's all "AHHH!""
-on Kerry's reaction to Thomas

DORIAN: You've never seen Cabaret?
BRIAN: I was forced to watch it at their (Donald and Mitchell) house.
JASON: Yep, he was Caba-raped.

"Hey, someone bedazzled the Empress!"

"Ah, the Christmas 'present'"
(on Rudolph's pose while getting a drink of water)

"It's like she's got a sports stadium on her head!"

"I will testify! Just get me a policeman and a dolly for demonstration."

"I'm so glad that she kept it in theme by coming as Winston Churchill; that wasn't at all true, but it just seemed like the mean thing to say."

"I'm surprised; this seems like a Baptist function, but I couldn've sworn most of the people here are snake handlers."

JASON: Have a seat.
MICHELE: I can't. I have to go change. Can you imagine what that table would do to me if I told them I'm not going to perform?
JASON: Stay for another three days?

"Well, not everyone can pull that outfit off--you have to pay her at least five dollars before she'll let you do that."

JASON: Now I haven't known Derrick very long, but I'm assuming when Dutchie sings "Get thee behind me, Satan," it's sort of a 'pet name/foreplay' kind of thing.
SHANE: I hate to break it to you, but that one's a big ol' top.
JASON: NO! You're talking about her? In the dress?

"Stop showing Mitchell your fun zone!"

"Even though your lights were on, I thought it far more prudent to just come here and witness the travesty that is my piece of shit computer. As it is, by opening something as simple as Yahoo Messenger, I appear to have just had my browser window shut down. I'mgoing to take an axe to this thing, and use it as a lesson to the other pieces of tech in this place. So pay attention, Microwave, Toaster and Digital Cable Box: you will be next if you continue to mess with me."

"I think that's the first time a catfight was started over fucking flan."

"Are you getting your crump on?"

"My pretty broke your phone."

"She looks like a foreign exchange student. 'Ludmilla is here on a basketball scholarship.'"
-enjoying Mitchell's tuff drag

"Isn't this the kind of thing you need to see through a peep hole camera."

"I like dresses with interesting cuts--unfortunaely her circumcison isnt on the list."

"I remember Dick from Brokeback Mountain He played one of the sheep....like it was a bagpipe if I remember correctly..."

"English got tired of waiting for Martin, and went home without him."

I'm celebramating yer birthday fer ya.

You could glue an Andrew Lloyd Webber songbook to our Shane and that still wouldn't up the Gay quotient

"Penis envy? Yes. He's a penis and we envy him."

 "If I disappear, I've put my hand through the monitor. Or my computer just died of constipation. It could go both ways, really.
 I need more memory. So much more memory. It's got to be why my computer's so fucking slow that it's killing me.Why else would it need to think so hard just to CLOSE A WINDOW??? DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! Is this what it's like having a husband? I told you to do something half a fucking hour ago, and you keep telling me you're doing it but you're not doing it you're just sitting there doing nothing and telling me to wait, that you're getting to it.In the meantime, nothing else can be done and it's all your fault. And just wait! Just wait! After a half an hour of me constantly nagging you to do something, you'll just come back and say that there's something wrong and that you can't do the appointed task! I thought you were great and smart and fast, but you're dumb and old and can't fulfil my needs and I should trade you in for a younger model. Oh, yes. If I were a wife, I'd've killed this thing by now."

MICHELE: I so hear you.
JASON: Hear me all you want, just quote me by Monday.

We now own the first season of the Sentinel; we just had to know. Doesn't this thing exceed some sort of gay allotment, though? The slash writes itself.

"You got your panther in my wolf! No, your wolf is in my panther! Two great tastes...."
-on the mystical convergence

"It's steak...with a Rusty Nail..."
-on fine cuisine

Nothin' says lovin' like a little dry shovin', I guess. Not how I'd go about it, but what do I know from Ranching?
-on Brokeback Mountain

Poor old, Navy seasonal coat. kind of frayed around the edges, missing a couple of snaps, and still being used at work, because I handle filthy boxes. Sure, that sounds like free-clinic gynocology, but I don't make that kind of money, and the Clinic would've let me recuperate when I hurt my back.

"...bats eyelashes in a way that shifts from adorable to "are you having a seizure"

"Disney should *so* sue for inflation of character."

"I'll just hand this over to Sigfried and Roy, and they'll zip it over to you White Tiger Express. Warning: Phone or Roy may be damaged during delivery."
-applying for customer care

"I just got shitslapped for calling her a Devilbride."

"Maybe if we ask really nicely, like with Chloroform, he'll sing or whatever one can do through a gag."
(on James Marsters performing at the reception....)

"If you wanted to eat something cheap and close, I'm sure Wenda's on her corner...Eat great, even late. Oh, shit.  That's Wendy's. Never mind.

Hotter than fuck, and at a fraction of the fun.
(writing for the Ontario tourism board)

ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no talky right now. Drrrrrrrrrrrrrunk.  Talk tomorrow night maybe.  Yesss....then is good.
(and he wasn't even at my birthday party *L*)

I'm just trying to pick stuff that you'd all have a good chance of knowing without actually giving it away like Trixie on Lumberyard Payday.

"I'd be happier if Jesus was all like, this Oreo is my body, surrounding my pure, white-icing soul.  This milk is my blood... um...it's also white and pure."

"Cornflower's a good colour on you.  Or is that perriwinkle?  Let's call it 'cornflower', and *say* I said 'blue' like a normal man would."

"Make that yak you live with make us some payailla. And nothing with dog in it."

"Oh, yeah, I was a total schoolgirl..."
-comic fan meets comic creator....

" 'Lady' being the operative word...or the pr-operative word..."
-on the lady at the end of the bar.

That every time she's going in for Plastic Surgery, she has a Farewell Tour, just in case it doesn't take and she ends up looking like an ill-concieved cross between a Chihuahua and a Shar-Pei. A Cher-Pei, if you will. I swear to God, her skin's pulled so tight that when the spotlight first hits her face, you can hear a high, snare-drum type noise. It's quiet, but it's there.
-the theory on Cher

"This Gossip Algebra is hard."

"Now that Michele and the Internet have been talking dirty to each other for five or six years, it's time to make it official!"

MICHELE: I thought they were leaving.
JASON: So did they, but now they can't find the exit
(observing a drunken coupling)

"Stephen King...Stephen Hawking...Haw is a nice middle name."

"Ah, but once you get the 'shoe-in', it's so hard to get it out."

"She puts the 'pig' in Pygmalion, doesn't she?"
-about Anne

DEEDZ: I'm epileptic, you know.
JASON: It's okay, we don't judge people by their beliefs.

"Lady, it's minus 24 CELCIUS here, so if you want to come up here from the peach farm and get me, you'd better pack your mittens!"
-on stupid AT&T customers

"If the secret ingredient is love, it's the kind that needs a safety word".
-on Buckley's mixture

"When they found semen on Sexy Kitty's costume, I almost had to leave the room."

"Anyway, the epicac was on S. Kitty's back, and got into Rocky Racoon's stomach when he was licking her during a "furpile" (which is just a writhing orgy of social maladjustment, and a drycleaner's wet dream)."
(cos I needed another reason not to watch CSI)

"Guilt...it's an amazing natural resource.  If we could only find a way to fuel a car with it."

"I will not be bumped for Xmas."

"Remember, kids: standing next to someone who's more fucked up than you are doesn't mean you're cured."

"I have now seen Tony Head's pasty white English bum.  And I really didn't need to."

"I wanna be 'the Zeppo. Or "keeper of the fabulous Red shirt", as opposed to "baster of the gross, fat Demon"..."

"As far as the history goes, in the beginning, there was nothing.  than God created ___ St. ___.  then, God said "Let there be Light", and He saw ___ St. ___, and so He said "Let there also be Dark, but keep the Light, so that whosoever tries to go home with ___ St. ___ may see the error of their ways".  Thanks be to God."

"I'm not the fastest modem in the network at present."

"Well, not fucking ___ has got to be easier on the ears.  You've heard how he screams when there's nothing up his bum; imagine how loud he'd be with his fundament breached."

JASON: Where's Michele?
TROY: Pee
JASON: She's in heat?
TROY: She HAD TO PEE!
(an intellectual exchange)

"Whoooooooooooooooooooh!"
-using them drink tickets!

"Tenuous at best."
-how we feel after using them drink tickets

  "Here's a philosophical question for you, what WAS Willis talkin' bout?"

"Red Green duct taping something is different from Tom Green duct taping something."

"I'm so not operating any heavy merchurnury right now...marchurnury?"
(to which Michele responds, "if you can't say it, you can't drive it!"

"Yeah, I'm straight, I just fuck a dude..."

"My feet feel like your uterus right about now."

BORIS: Which side is the front again? Oh yeah, there's just a front.
JASON: They call 'em unmentionables for a reason.

"The novice just tried to show me her donation box."
-on Nunsense

"When you get down to the last three-quarters of an inch or so, you wind up just sucking air..."
-not what you think

"I really like the way all that glitter elevates her to 'plain looking'."
-on an unidentified faghag

MICH: It's hard to tell which table is more tragic. I'm leaning towards that one because of the women."
JASON: No, you're leaning towards them because of gravity.

"So, we're required by law to cut him off it he drinks too much, but we never have to ask him what's bothering him, right?"

"Nothing! Get the fuck back inside!"
-taking out the garbage

"Your eyes say 'EUGH!' but your clit says 'WAUUUGHH!'"
-to Michele, on her reaction to a lesbian love-pledge

"Wow! Does that dress ever look different on a thin chick!"
-to Roxy

"Nothing says love like part-specific possessiveness."

"Well, if it becomes an emergency, you can phone us in the middle of the night. Then, when we wake up in the morning and check the answering machine, we'll make sure you get to the hospital."

JASON: Are you Pete?
PETE: Yeah.
JASON: Meep!

"The zone you're in makes me want to run and tell a grown up!"

THOMAS: If I eat one more bite of chocolate my teeth will fall out
JASON: why, does it dissolve Poly-grip?

"She's the mess hall!"
-on Avaughna's camoflage ball gown

"The hippie is an important part of Village People 2003."

"Oh, look, it's Sheila E. Hi, Sheila!"
-exhibiting a little allergy medication induced ADD

MICHELE: Put 'em in...PUT 'EM IN I WANT TO GO HOME!" (talking about dishes)
JASON: Wow, romance is super dead with you! (not talking about dishes)

"God, why do they always have to be the Alvins to my David Seville?"

MICHELE: (to Andrea, who was interrupted midsneeze by Jason) Do you feel oddly unsatisfied now?
ANDREA: Yes!
JASON: I do tend to have that effect on women.

"Poor Gretzky."
-on being number 99 on Joe's 'must do' list

"How many people can say they knocked out a lesbian with their basket?"

"You wanna play Mount Olympus? You can be Olympus."
-on toga wearing

"Why does ___ wear backless gowns? Cos if she covers her blowhole, she'll die.

"All my new revenge fantasies revolve around 'While You Were Out.'"

CUSTOMER: I'm gonna have to come here more often.
MICHELE: Yeah, this is a full-service bar
JASON: This is *not* a rum and tug joint!

"But Senor Emmet es muy guapo!"

"Wow, I've never seen this many people obsessed with image, and I work in a gay bar!"
-talking about movie people

"Well, this is the Airport '77 of drag shows!"

JON: How are you doing, Jason?
JASON: I was over there watching that, wasn't I?

"I love that you all had girlfriends at one point, or had sex with women. You know, all the things I never did in high school"

"This has all the fun of graveyard shift security at the morgue, without the satisfaction of these people being dead."

"In my daydream, Zombie Jesus has laser beams shooting from his eyes."

STEF: Just shove it in (talking about pop tanks)
JASON: Romance is totally dead with you, isn't it?

MICHELE: Doesn't matter, as long as it's shoved in enough that my little arms can reach the till.
JASON: Romance is dead with you too!

"As far as I'm concerned, it's a denim cum-rag. You know why? Because I'm full of contempt...and cum."
-about a leftover jacket

"You're like Chicken Soup for my Contempt."
to Shane

BARKLEY: So they make the CD cover look like her snatch was hanging out, so thirteen year old girls won't buy it.
JASON: It's one of my favorite conspiracy theories.
-on Christina Aguilera's album

"I'm sure there's lots of protien to be found in 'em."
-on Curt's edible underwear

TRIXIE:(noticing a bag on the ground between her legs) What the hell did I just give birth to?
JASON: I don't know, but whatever it was, the placenta was a Walmart bag

"They can either talk dirty to you, or give you a hand job, but they can't do both."
-on banging the deaf

"You stare at me anytime I do or say something weird, and then you turn around and hit me in the face with a tinfoil swan?"

JASON: You were good together.
SHANE: Yeah, but we were too much alike.
JASON: I know. It's like 'if Statler and Waldorf were fucking'.
SHANE:  Yeah, but it just wasn't pretty at the end!
JASON: Like, 'if Statler and Waldorf were fucking...'

"I'm not a drunk, we just need the glasses!"

"Her and Thomas have so much in common...like back combing..."

"Blow it out your cavernous man-twat!"

SHARON: We need shots! (meaning drinks)
JASON: I can tell that much, but what do you want to drink?

"Oh, great, now the French and I agree on something..."

"The railroad is built; why are you still here?"

"Oh, she went wee wee wee hours ago..."
-when asked "where's Chyna?"

"Not even if you had your finger up my ass and I wanted it there, buddy!"
-when asked to serve a beer after last call

THOMAS: I'm a lesbian now! (Hugging two straight girls)
JASON: Well, you do have an enormous pair of tits in front of you.

"That's a party like the Donners were a party..."

"Well, there's a pastiche of American Life that Norman Rockwell wouldn't've painted. Well, maybe...he did paint some pretty funny shit."

"The only thing that stopped that from completion was congestion."
-on mixing head colds and Scottish Nose Fountains

"...and Barkley wasn't even a glandular spasm yet."
(Where were you in 1972?)

"Who's gonna feed the cat?"
-mourning a death in the new Star Trek movie

"And he doesn't smell like lemons, either."
-on why Shane and Mr. Clean are not the same person

"It's like wind blowing through a tranny's no-man's land."

"The name has officially been changed to "Sad-urday""

"We could be the "brunch Davidians." You know, matching jackets...we could have nicknames embroidered on the sleeves..."
-slow night at the club

"Mr. Mom, that's me...I'm Batman!"
-having a Michael Keaton segue while making supper

"It's Elvira, Mistress of the Park"
-on Trixie's Halloween Costume

"That's my velveteen grabbit!"

"Sit your tranny ass down!"

WHITNEY: My head's numb
JASON:(feeling it) You're right!

"My calves are not speedbags!"

"Oh, did I miss the gay chimney sweep dance routine?"

MICHELE: Can I go home now? Jolene just made her money bark at me!
JASON: ooh! the mating ritual begins in earnest! Let's watch and see if Michele presents!
JOLENE'S MONEY: Arf! Arf!

"Ryan's a time-share boyfriend. You can have him for a week in August, for the low low price of...
dinner!"

"I don't corner well."

"That there Grande Moccachino did a great number..."
-the hysterics this provoked won't be explained by saying Jason used his inside my head voice outside of his head...or saying what he thought of the big black queen named Silky Smooth Ice.

"Think warm thoughts...like man love...my man love...with you...a woman..."

"Do not tweak the Batnipples."

"Hum-v's have no respect...for basketballs."
-watching The Stand

"How did the population ever reach six billion? I can't believe we fuck more than we fuck up."

"...not so much "heroin-chic" as "heroin-shriek"..."
-on a drag queen's bad hair day

"It was the feng shui of my love...the earth didn't move, but the chair is now over there."

"It's a strong man who'll endure thirteen dollars an hour to be near someone he likes."
-on Chris' new friend at work

"I don't know which Village Person is saddest: the fireman, the hooker, the other hooker or the crack whore."
-on a Saturday night gaggle of sketchy girls, one of whom was inexplicably wearing a plastic fireman's hat

"That's adding an entirely new fish to the vichicois of the issue."

"Hey, you gotta see this!"
-on dragging a sketchy gal outta the bathroom by her clit piercing

"I'm not about "cum-head" chic!"

"Apparently the pudding is paying for Chris' brunch today."

MICHELE: Shooter boy and Hooter girl?
SHANE: Wonder twin powers activate!
JASON: Form of....giant whore!

THOMAS: My waist used to be 26 or 27
JASON: Funny, I thought your "waste" was 23!
(guess who wasn't at brunch today *L*)

MARLON: It tastes like Smurf piss.
JASON: Well it tastes more like their ejaculate, actually

"There are pony tails, and then there are Clydesdales..."

"I'm gonna be smuggled through as a cape--it will be my greatest acting challenge ever: Flap, flap, flap..."
-wanting to go home with Whitney

"Like getting off of a thousand tiny couches in the summer heat?"
-on sequined lederhosen (don't ask!)

"Tip the veal, try the waiter."

"Back where I come from, we have a thing called personal space...Oh, yeah, well England's crowded. Kiss me, big boy!"
-writing a scene between Tripp and Reed from Enterprise

"Quit hogging all the height!"
-to Curt

        BEN:"So how IS the washroom Jason?"
          JASON: "Surprisingly floral. I guess that potpourri you ate last night helped."

"Tiggers don't like ball gags."

MICHELE: "Well, I guess you can talk about ball sweat if you want to."
JASON: "Talk about it? You'll see, whenever I walk, it'll sound like a roomful of fat people getting off of vinyl couches: SHRRIP-OW! SHRRIP-OW!"
-on wearin' boxers in the summer

"By the cock-crow, you shall hiccup times three."

   "I tell you, if I ever see Jason Fedorchuk from another dimension... pffft, that bitch is GONE."
 [discussing "The One"]

"It wouldn't have been so bad if Stanley hadn't left a twenty on the dresser and left the room."

"You know the Jetson's car? Yeah, it's bubble dome is jealous of her ass!"

"As far as that tart goes, less mince, more meat, please..."

"ooga booga gonnadoya"
-putting a spell on Whitney

"There was plenty of chore to flooze from..."

"___ in a sky blue dress is a bigger hazard to birds than a well washed window"

"It's nice to know at least one of The Nylons was a control top."

JASON: I shouldn't know that.
MICHELE: Why? I know that.
JASON: Well, I shouldn't know that and still fuck chicks.
(on soap opera trivia)

"I'm a bunny bum biter."
(presumably talking about Easter chocolate)

"Too bad it gives you the galloping cobbly-wobbles!"

"Well, if you're as good as you say you are, maybe you can get the original colour back."
(only funny cos he's talking to Thomas about a friend's toilet)

"Poutine--it's French for massive coronary!"

"I don't envy him having a bungee shit the next day!"

CAMERON: Are you throwing a tantrum?
JASON: Good God, no! Why would I?
CAMERON: I don't think you should.
JASON: Actually, I could. But it would be a rage if I did.
CAMERON: Well, let me tell you; tantrums are all the rage.

"Well, I just realized that I can't feel my teeth, so I am now cut off."

"It's only funny because I slipped some of Deedz drugs into your drink, Barkley. Enjoy your tits."

"If he did it long enough, I'd just hit him in the 'nads and let the rings come to me."
-what to do if your ringbearer is six foot five, and mocking you

"But you know if it came down to it, I'd wrestle a bear for you."
(does Mick know about this?)

"Aren't they burying your mother in two days, you big queen?"

"Harold, look, it's that nice gay boy who plays crib."
-mocking Shane's new girlfriend

"So, it's walk, chew, stop, realize, drop... Got it."

"That thing looks like a test pattern, and what it's testing is my patience!"

"Here's a knife, use your finger...and by finger I mean wrist."

"The ink is flowing more rapidly than your thoughts? Icebergs flow more rapidly than your thoughts."

"Been there, done that, cried the tears, ate the candy, wore the Underoos."

"Wow, that's a conflict of interest!"
-on the taste of a coaster toss shooter

"Don't rub-dab!"
-doing his Martha impersonation

"Masculine, Massengill, either way it's a quality you possess."
-to Barkley

THOMAS: Larry's the only one I ever considered killing.
JASON: The rest were kind of a 'go with the moment' thing.

WHITNEY: He's not picking the children's names.
JASON: Is it my fault chlamydia sounds like a girl's name?

"Who knew the last triangle she'd dive into would be the Bermuda?"
-on Amelia Earhart

BARKLEY: They're the ones with the mail slot.
JASON: I thought Barkley was the one with the male slot. Oh, and Thom's the one with the male slut. Ouch."
(the 'ouch' is for when Barkley hit him)

"Revenge is a dish best served to someone who's allergic to it"

"Claymation Cameron Diaz is fierce!"

"I thought you said Donald would be wearing a strap on like Justin Timberlake on the cover of Rolling Stone...that'd be for his new band: Sync-N!"

Oh, the GAY manatee!"

"Do you know the difference between a crib and a kennel? Uh...Lego?"
-on why some people shouldn't babysit

"Her idea of a sex toy is a pool boy named Raoul!"

"The guy's sea monkeys are dead-this is no laughing matter."
-on Robert Johnson's "Dead Shrimp Blues".

"With the cute stuff, it's okay, but that was just wierd."
-on sharing a brain with Whitney

"She has 'coat-dependency' issues."
-on sharing clothes with Whitney

"Thom and Barkley don't have a May/December relationship--more like a Benny/Joon relationship."

"Greed is bad."
-noting that he should have left after the third go-round

"The first rule of the Brunch Club is don't talk about the Brunch Club--now everybody and his sub is coming!"

"___ was never concerned about fashion before, so what's with trying to accessorize with a leather hosebag--I mean handbag! Besides, she doesn't go with her wallet."

"Mommy, where is my *BWONG*!"
-re-enacting Shane's childhood trauma

"It made me feel like that time when I was five and I fell off my bike and into the thistle."
(no idea what he was talking about, but it made me giggle)

"Into every life a little brain must fail."
-new year's eve, 2001

". . . the Readers Digest version of X-Files 'blah blah blah, conspiracy, blah blah blah, Scully's Ova"

"You know I'm tired when I'm trying to blow out a lightbulb."

"So...should I tea-bag the Princess?"
(watch where you sit)

"___, does this look funny from the bottom?"
-standing overhead

"Sorry if my balls smell funny, but they're really close to my ass."
-more Princess torture

"Actually, there's a biological imperative that makes it impossible to piss when you cum!"

"Your dawdling has cost us valuable Halloween sex time."

"Liver, liver spots, what's the difference?"

"Could you make a less pleasing portrait for us to hang in the den of memory?"

"Everything I do is to make an interesting book later."

"Nice pants, Michele, I wish I was bleeding..."
(Oktoberfest angst)

"He'd be all like "Michele, I found you!", holding flowers in his teeth..."
(going to hell)

"Well, you didn't hear me singing Cher at karaoke last night...oh, fuck."
-proving he could be gayer

"That guy's a patchwork quilt of wrong."

"Ooh! I have some tangential connection to a hot guy! Look at me! Talk to me! Please?"
-mocking Sketchy Bob

"Being in a long-term relationship has made my hands soft and weak...my Kung fu is not what it once was."

"I put the "ach" in macho!"

"Try it on."
(means something nasty, I'm sure)

"I have the hands of a carpenter...unfortunately they're Richard's."
(he's so butch)

TO THE GIRLFRIEND: While I was up there, I grabbed some underwear to sleep with, 'cause I'm kinda psycho...(Girlfriend feels flattered albeit nervous at this point)...but <your roomate's> room is a mess, so I don't think he'll miss them."

"Get out of my house and don't come back until you've topped something!"
(on raising the perfect children)

"You know the only way I'm gonna bend over in this bar is for money."
(retrieving dropped change)

"Valhal-OWWW! Valhal-HELP!"
(explaining what happens when your safe word is too long)

"Whitney's eating brownies...like a good boy scout."

"Score one for man-love!"

"You are the dark spot on my x-ray."
(in love)

SHANE: Well, she does have that "just rolled out of bed" look.
JASON: Which, incidentally, is also that "just got paid" look.

WHITNEY: Good thing I'm in your brain, or no one would understand you.
JASON: And it's a good thing my brain is in my pants.

"What? Wonka?"

"You are the biggest dyke-goodbye."

"Wow."
could mean anything

"Maybe if we're lucky, he'll dry hump the bleach monkey on the dance floor again."

"Women! Give 'em an inch, and they'll say "what was that?""

"Wow! The prize must have been great! ___ ate a whole box of bitch flakes this morning just to get to it."

"Is that Queentum Physics?"
thoughts on the whole theory of fabulousity

"I appear to have totally misplaced my dignity."
talking about Thom's cat Stan

"We were just tossing marshmallows at everyone-even the vegans."

"Totally!"
 doing his Mulder impression

"Nature abhors a vacuum."

"Eugene couldn't be any more a Mary if he was holding the baby Jesus in his arms right now."

"I'm still plugging away."
replying to Linda the waitress when she asked if he was done with his breakfast

"I'll try to keep my hands out of my pants."

"You should have kicked her teeth out-her adult teeth will be coming in soon anyway."
on how to deal with a disgruntled young drag queen

"After eight seasons, I'm glad to finally get that off my chest."

"John, you look like shit-you must be getting better!"

"I wonder how the acoustics are in the oven."

"You set 'em down and I'll knock 'em up!"
 

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