We have an understanding, coffee and I. It is there when I need it, and I will always appreciate its talents.
-Ianto Jones, from  Journey To Jack - Always The Bridesmaid by christine_twfan

 "Jack’s special attack, the Boeshane Super-Pout, slashed apart the formidable defence known to travellers as Ianto’s Super-Sharp Eyebrow of Raisedness and Terror..."
(as soon as I find the story, I'll give credit)

"Normally, "watching EastEnders" was a euphemism, well, for the exact same thing "weevil hunting" was for; they just thought it better to change it up on occasion. As if the entire team didn't already know what they did every single night since they were without a doubt entangled in the least covert office relationship in history."
from The Absence of Eastenders by _squaredance

“Staff: Ianto Jones has been covertly keeping a Cyber-conversion unit and his half-converted girlfriend locked in a basement storage area. Apart from the betrayal of the team and obvious security issues, a Cyberwoman on the loose could have resulted in the Cyber army gaining a new foothold on this planet, using it as a base, and destroying/converting all life as we know it. Nice heels, though.”
from the Captain's Log on bbc.com/torchwood

“Other security issues: No alien technology removed from the Hub, no breaches, no incursions. Frankly, I'm amazed. Looks like the security presentation did the trick, or at least bored everyone into compliance.”
from the Captain's Log on bbc.com/torchwood

“Staff: Brought Ianto Jones along to get him out of the Hub, out of the city, get some relaxing time in the country with the team. May not have been the best decision I made this year.”
from the Captain's Log on bbc.com/torchwood

"DON'T ASAY THINKS LIKE THAT JACK WILL HEAR YOU WITH HIS AMAZING FUTURE HEARING AND HE'LL KNOW I'M CHEATING LIKE HE DOES AND HE'LL ALREADY KNOW THAT I'M NEKKID BECAUSE HE HAS AMZING YANTOE NEKKIDNESS SPIDEY SENSES;"
 -Ianto Jones, Torchwood IMs: Ianto and Southern Comfort

******

TORCHWOOD IN REAL LIFE

***************
"Would now be a good time to tell you I lost the car?"--Ianto Jones, CoE

***************

Captain Jack Harkness: Contraceptives in the rain. I love this planet. Still at least I won't get pregnant. I'm not doing that again.

PC Andy: Bet you ten quid they're DNA specialists. It's all DNA these days. Like that CSI bollocks. CSI: Cardiff, I'd like to see that. They'd be measuring the velocity of a kebab.

Jack: C'mon! She was going to say, "Here's your pizza." And I was going to say, "How much." And she says, "Oh whatever, 20 quid." And I say, "Oo, I don't have any money." I was working on a punch line. I hadn't got there, but it would've been good.

Jack: And before we go any further, who the hell goes around ordering pizza under the name of Torchwood?
Owen: Uh, yeah. That would be me. Sorry, I'm a twat.

Jack: That is so Welsh.
Gwen: What is?
Jack: I show you something fantastic, you find fault.

Jack: Yeah well, your boyfriend is stupid.
Gwen: Oh, you've met him.

Jack: This is Torchwood Three. Torchwood One was London—destroyed in the battle. Torchwood Two is an office in Glasgow. A very strange man. Torchwood Three, Cardiff. Torchwood Four has kinda gone missing but we'll find it one day.

***

Owen Harper: 119 suspects- this things supposed to give us one clear match.
Toshiko Sato: The CCTV was too low-res. Enlarge it and it breaks up, which means the software can't function properly.
Ianto Jones: It's narrowed it down, I can check through the others. You know, the old-fashioned way- with my eyes?

Owen Harper: Not who he is, not where he's from, not anything. Except... him being gay.
Gwen Cooper: No he's not. really, do you think?
Toshiko Sato: Owen does, I don't.
Ianto Jones: And I don't care.
Owen: Period military is not the dress code of a straight man.

Jack: Tosh was right, though. She went for the ex-boyfriend. Lucky she's young. Work your way through my back catalog, we'll be here 'til the sun explodes.

Jack: That was just the kiss. Imagine the buzz you get from the rest.

Ianto Jones: Need me to do any attacking, sir?
Captain Jack Harkness: Appreciate the offer.

***

Jack: Gorgeous nanotechnology. Makes NASA look like Toys 'r' Us.

Ianto: I believe estate agents pronounce it "splo".

Gwen: I'm sorry, it's just— I don't even kill spiders in the bath.
Jack: Nor do I. Not with a gun.

***

Ianto: Can you make it two pepperoni feasts tonight. And a tub of coleslaw. My boss says I'm not eating enough vegetables.

Jack: Ianto, I need to hear those beautiful Welsh vowels.

Ianto: "Like you care. I clear up your shit. No questions asked and that's the way you like it. When did you last ask me anything about my life?"

Gwen: What the hell was that?
Owen: Wha'?
Gwen: Snogging me.
Owen: Last kiss for the condemned man. Bit embarrassing, given we haven't been killed. What? It's not like I fancy you or anything.
Gwen: I was on top of you. I could feel your hard-on.
Owen: Well you didn't exactly struggle or anything.

Ianto: you like to think you're the hero. But you're the biggest monster of all.

***

Jack: No other race in the universe goes camping, Owen. Celebrate your uniqueness.

Tosh: "What was that?"
Ianto: "Just a.. fox or something"

Owen Harper: Right, do you want a quip about feeling a small prick?
Gwen Cooper: No, but thanks for offering.

Ianto: You know, I never liked camping.

Ianto: You should have had that cheeseburger.

***

Gwen: Any idea what it is?
Jack: Not a clue. Could be a weapon. Or a really big stapler.

Gwen: Oh, you' so light! You're like a girl!
Owen: I'm not light. I'm wiry. Fat girls go mad for it. But I guess I don't need to tell you now.

Gwen's thoughts on Tosh: Oh, sweetheart, the jeans in the boots thing has really kind of had its day.

Owen's thoughts on Tosh: She can be dead weird. Wonder what she'd be like in bed. Catholic but grateful, I bet.

Gwen's thoughts: I can smell Owen. I can smell him on me after that shag in his car this morning. That's twice now. Does that make it an arrangement? No, 'has to be more than two times surely. 'Long as we keep it to just the two times we're fine.

Ianto's thoughts: Can't imagine a time when this isn't everything. Pain so constant, like my stomach's full of rats. Feels like this is all I am now. There isn't an inch of me that doesn't hurt.

Owen: So I start looking into, ah, devil worship and stuff from that era, see if there's anything about plucking out hearts. And would you believe it, there's nothing. They ate eyeballs, they drank blood, they had sex with animals. But they did not pluck out each other's hearts. 'Cause, obviously, that would have been weird.

Owen about the wound on the body: 'That remind you of anything?
Tosh: Um... that bit in Alien where that thing bursts out of John Hurt?
Owen: I'm sorry, I should have been more specific. Does that remind you of anything helpful?

Jack: What do bosses do in situations like these? You know, regular bosses. Do I get to beat people?
Tosh: We've got rules for that!
Jack: Argh! Red tape!

***

Jack: I'm Captain Jack Harkness.
Detective Swanson: So I've heard. Tell me something, are you always this dressy for a murder investigation?
Jack: What, you rather me naked?
Detective Swanson: God help me, the stories are true.

Owen: You know, we never gave it a cool name.
Tosh: I thought we called it the Resurrection Gauntlet.
Owen: Cool name.
Ianto: What about "The Risen Mitten"? I think it's catchy.

Jack: *pulls out knife*
Owen: "Ianto?"
Ianto: *deep breath* "Life Knife."

Jack: *stuns man* "Hah! That one's for Ianto. Risen Mitten, Life Knife, and that ooold classic. Stun gun."

Jack: "I had a boyfriend who used to walk into rooms like that. 'The Grand Entrance.' It got kinda boring. Though he was one of twins, so I put up with it. Twin acrobats. Man. I gotta write that book. Maybe even illustrate it."

Owen: Give Ianto a stop watch and he's happy.
Ianto: It's the button on the top.

Ianto: If you're interested I've still got that stopwatch.
Jack: So?
Ianto: Well. Think about it. Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.
Jack: Oh yeah. I can think of a few.
Ianto: There's quite a list.
Jack: I'll send the others home early. See you in my office in ten.
Ianto: That's ten minutes. And counting.

***

Josh: I checked the bid history. Mr. C. Blackstaff is a collector of alien ephemera and Nazi memorabilia. Also, Beanie Babies. Teeny bit cuckoo, but endearingly rich.

***

Diane amazed at the door opening: How did it do that?
Ianto: It's automatic. It knows you're there.
Diane: But how?
Ianto: There are wave bouncing detectors which emit radio waves and then look for reflections—
Diane : Bananas!
Ianto: Of course bananas are far more interesting.

Emma: How much food money have I got left?
Ianto: Fifteen pound 40. (watches her grab candy) Twelve pounds 10. You'll ruin your teeth.
Emma: You sound like my mum.

Ianto: Welcome to the wonderful world of scantily-dressed celebrities.

***

Gwen: Why are we still doing this, me and you?
Owen: Fine. Let's not. I was getting bored of your fuck-tricks, anyway.
Gwen: You can be such a wanker sometimes, Owen! Do you know that?
Owen: I do, as a matter of fact.

***

Mark: Bloke in the big coat, cute little Asian girl. I was watching. Nice website by the way. Kudos to whoever did that. Although jellied eels—I'm not sure that was your greatest idea.
Owen laughs: I wasn't that bad.
Mark: Pretty much you were.

***

Tosh: Why does that man have your name? I'm lost enough here without you holding back on me!
Jack: It's not my name. It's his. I took his. But I didn't realize he was so hot.

Ianto: There's stuff in there we don't know about. That's how Jack likes it.
Owen: I'm not going to play with his toys, Ianto!

Ianto: You have to let Diane go. Like I did with Lisa.
Owen: Don't compare yourself to me. You're just a tea boy.
Ianto: I'm much more than that. Jack needs me.
Owen: In your dreams, Ianto. In your sad wet dreams when you're his part-time shag, maybe.

Owen: World didn't end after all, did it? Good job you're a crap shot.
Ianto: I was aiming for your shoulder.

***

Andy: Alright, Mulder and Scully. Say I do believe you—which I don't, because it's bollocks. But say I do. How exactly are we meant to handle a prisoner from two thousand years ago?

Jack: Under any other circumstances an exuberant Roman soldier would be my idea of a perfect morning.

***

Gwen: Excuse me. Have you seen a blowfish driving a sportscar? (The woman points the way) Thank you.
Woman: Bloody Torchwood.

Owen: Where were you?
Jack: I found my doctor.
Owen: Did he fix you?
Jack: What's to fix? You don't mess with this level of perfection.

Gwen: ...He's supposed to be our boss and we know nothing about him. Drives me crazy.
Ianto: It is more fun when he's around though.

Hart: You put on weight.
Jack: You're losing your hair.
Hart: What are you wearing?
Jack: Captain Jack Harkness. Note the stripes.
Hart: Captain John Hart. Note the sarcasm.
Jack: Hey, I worked my way up through the ranks.
Hart: I bet the ranks were very grateful.
Jack: I need a drink.
Hart: I thought you'd never ask.

Jack: We go back.
Hart: Excuse me. We more than go back. We were partners.
Ianto: In what way?
Hart: In every way. And then some.
Jack: It was two weeks.
Hart: Except the two weeks was trapped in a time loop so we were together for five years. It was like having a wife.
Jack: You were the wife.
Hart: You were the wife.
Jack: No. You were the wife.
Hart: Oh, but I was a good wife.

Captain Jack Harkness: How are you, Ianto?
Ianto Jones: All the better for having you back, sir.
Captain Jack Harkness: Could we maybe drop the "sir" now? I mean, while I was away, I was thinking. Maybe we could, you know, when this is all done: dinner, a movie...
Ianto Jones: Are you asking me out on a date?
Captain Jack Harkness: Interested?
Ianto Jones: Well, as long as it's, not in an office. Some fetishes should be kept to yourself...

Ianto: Jack, why are we helping him?
Jack: He's a reminder of my past. I want him gone. By the way, was that a yes?
Ianto: Yes.

Ianto about his stopwatch: Always at the ready.

Hart: I think I'm starting to see what he likes about this place. She's beautiful. He's stunning.
Gwen: Don't you ever stop?
Hart: What? Five minutes to live you want me to behave? Oh that's gorgeous.
Gwen: That's a poodle.

***

PC Andy: No other reason I could think of for keeping sports equipment in the bedroom.
Jack: Oh, you should come by my house for a game of hockey some time.

Ianto: "Just us. In this room. For as long as it takes." Terrifying.
Jack: Really?
Ianto: Absolutely. Shivers down my spine.
Jack: You don't look scared.
Ianto: It passed.

Captain Jack Harkness: It's just a mind probe.
Ianto Jones: Remember what happened the last time you used it?
Captain Jack Harkness: That was different. That species has extremely high blood pressure.
Ianto Jones: Oh right, their heads must explode all the time.

Beth: Your bedside manner's rubbish.
Gwen: You should see his manners in bed. They're atrocious. Apparently. So I've heard.
Ianto: Oh, they are. I remember this one time—
Jack: Ahem.

Ianto: They know more about this place than I do. (bangs table) Nobody knows more about this place than I do.

Gwen (about Patrick Granger): Why would anybody want to kill him?
Ianto: Also the city coordinator. Takes charge of the city in case of major emergencies. Has all the security protocols.
Owen: How'd you know about that?
Ianto: I know everything. And it says so on the bottom of the screen.

Tosh: Come on guys, that wasn't even difficult. A disappointment.
Ianto: It's almost obscene what you do to security systems.

Ianto Jones: We don't sniff the sub-etheric resonator!

Captain Jack Harkness: Have a little faith. With a dashing hero like me on the case, how can we fail?
Ianto Jones: He is dashing. You have to give him that.
 

Ianto Jones: Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string, everything, absolutely everything: no phones, phones all broken.[holds up hand in imitation of telephone]
Hello? Anyone there? No! Cause the phones aren't working!

Owen: What if they can't stop it?
Tosh: They'll stop it.
Owen: Yeah, but if they can't?
Ianto: Then it's... all over.
Owen: Let's all have sex.
Ianto: And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse.

***

Owen: He's a frozen soldier from 1918.
Ianto: Nobody's perfect.

Jack: This time tomorrow he'll be back in 1918.
Ianto: His own time. Would you go back to yours? If you could?
Jack: Why? Would you miss me?
Ianto: Yup.

***

Gwen: Have you ever eaten alien meat?
Jack: Yeah.
Gwen: What was it like?
Jack: He seemed to enjoy it.

Tosh: If we understood how it worked we could feed the world.
Ianto: We could release a single.

Jack: Do I show off?
Ianto: Just a bit.
Rhys: —You'd know that I got out by telling them I wanted a job as a delivery boy. So rather than cock things up I found you a way to get in. But if you can't handle that, Big Boy, then you can stuff it.
Jack: This is quite homoerotic.

Captain Jack Harkness: [talking about the alien] We're going to save it. Stabilize it, wait for the rift to open, and, fwooh, send it back.
Ianto Jones: ...And guess who'll have to look after it in the meantime?
Captain Jack Harkness: We are doing this. That's an order.
Owen Harper: Fine.
Ianto Jones: I'll stock up on plankton.

***

Tosh: You write about artifacts in your diary?
Ianto: Among other things.

Adam: What's wrong?
Ianto: My diary. You're not in it. Everyone else is. Why would I leave you out when you've been here so long? Like I'm remembering a man who doesn't exist.

Jack: I found your diary. And for the record, measuring tapes never lie.

***

Jack: Come on Martha, be honest. You just came all this way to see me.
Martha: Still struggling to conquer your shyness, huh, Jack?

Jack: So. End of the World Survivors Club.
Martha: God, I am so glad to see you, Jack.
Jack: See, you did come all this way to see me. It's the jawline. Once seen, always yearned for.

Jack: I had a boyfriend who's nostrils flared when he was lying.

Jack: This is going to end in tears.

Jack: Grey is so not her color.

Martha: So am I right in thinking that you and he...?
Ianto: We... dabble.
Martha: Yeah?
Ianto: Yeah.
Martha: So what's his dabbling like?
Ianto: Innovative.
Martha: Really?
Ianto: Bordering on the avant garde.
Martha: Wow.
Ianto: Oh yeah.

***
Ianto: Voila. Fresh and strong.
Owen: You couldn't just have a jar of instant handy?

Owen: Bet you're loving this aren't you. Looks like you finally won.
Ianto: I didn't realize we were in competition.
Owen: Oh come on, even Tosh had more of a life than you used to and now you're always out on missions, you're shagging Jack and I'm stuck here making coffee.
Ianto: It's not like that, me and Jack.

Owen: God I'm gonna miss farting. And sex.
Jack: Sex more than farting, I hope.

Ianto: I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger will know no bounds", but I keep get redirected to Weight Watchers.

***

Jack: Thirty-six minutes. Not bad.
Owen: You were watching?
Jack: Skinny guy in tight jeans runs into water? I was taking pictures.

***

Salesperson: Can I help you?
Ianto: Yeah, I'm looking for a wedding dress for a friend.
Salesperson: Of course you are, Sir. You'd be surprised. We're quite used to men buying wedding dresses for their "friends."

Jack: "Nope, like that one. Good choice."
Ianto: "I estimated Gwen's size from the Hub's security laser scans. As you know, my dad was a master tailor; he could size a man's inside leg measurement by his stride across the shop threshold."
Jack: "Ah, a family eye. Remind me to test it some time."
Ianto: "Well, if later on..."

Banana: I'm Banana. S'pose you can tell why.
Tosh: You come up in spots and go soft quickly?
Banana: Actually I'm the best man.
Tosh: Evolution is full of surprises.

Jack: What is it with you? Ever since Owen died all you ever do is agree with him.
Ianto: I was brought up never to speak ill of the dead. Even if they still do most of the talking themselves.

Jack: Enjoy the honeymoon.
Gwen: I will. What will you do while I'm gone?
Jack: Oo, the usual. Pizza. Ianto.Save the world a couple of times.

Ianto: That's what I love about Torchwood. By day you're chasing the scum of the Universe, come midnight, you're the Wedding Fairy.

***

Jack: Ianto, with me. I need your local knowledge.
Gwen: Oh! Is that what you're calling it these days?

***

Gwen: What are you talking about, Andy?
PC Andy: Right, 45 minutes later. What's your mate Mulder doing there?
Gwen: Jack.

Gwen: I wouldn't have come in if I'd known—
Jack: Always room for one more. We could have used you an hour ago for naked hide-and-seek.
Ianto: He cheats. He always cheats.

***

Jack: How long have you been there? (No response). The silent type. Okay. I used to date a guy with no mouth. Surprisingly creative.

Ianto: Thanks.
Jack: No, thank you. And you are?
Ianto: Jones. Ianto Jones.
Jack: Nice to meet you, Jones Ianto Jones.

Jack: Thanks for your assistance,
Ianto: Anytime. By the way, love the coat.

Jack: You are not my responsibility. And we're not hiring.
Ianto: Same time tomorrow then.
Jack: There's no job for you here. And there never will be.
Ianto: I really like that coat!

Jack: Go back to London, find yourself another life. Keep stalking me, I'll wipe your memory.
Ianto: No, but the thing is—
Jack: Look, any conversation between us, no matter what the subject, is over. Finished. Done. Forever. I'm getting back behind the wheel of that car. If you're still standing in the road, I'm gonna drive through you.
Ianto: So you're not going to help me catch this pterodactyl then?

Ianto: Okay, that is the only special equipment you've got.
Jack: Yeah, because I keep dinosaur nets in the back of the SUV.
Ianto: Well Torchwood London would have.

Jack: Yeah, it's quite excitable.
Ianto: Must be your aftershave.
Jack: Never wear any.
Ianto: You smell like that naturally?
Jack: Fifty-first century pheremones. You people have no idea.

Jack: Come back with me. I've got somewhere nice and big where you can fly around.
Ianto: Okay, so you let a pterodactyl in and not me?
Jack: We need a guard dog.
Ianto: I can be that. And a receptionist.

***

Rhys: I'm keeping more secrets than you'd ever believe.
Andy: Yeah right. Like what?
Rhys: Like a Time Agency based in Cardiff.
Gwen: Oh, it's not based in Cardiff.
Andy: Brilliant secret. I ask, you tell. Well done.

Jack: This is a little extreme, don't you think?
John: Oh what? Suddenly you're anti-bondage?
Jack: Why are you doing this?
John: Well see. Now you're interested in me. It's always the same. Nobody cares until you tie them up.

Ianto: Put Jack on right now.
John: Eye Candy! That was so masterful, so... bossy. So basically powerless.

Ianto: If we don't find him, I'll kill you. Very slowly.

***

Rhiannon: What kind of civil servants are you?
Ianto: the unappreciated kind.
 
 
 

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