Making it Last
              by Mariandl

Can augmenting a vanilla marriage with Cyber BDSM
really work?*

I have done a lot of thinking about this question.
For me the issue is the durability of Cyber
relationships. I had a long distance (Cyber/phone)
relationship that lasted only 6 or 7 months. During
the time it was going on, I was blissfully happy. When
it ended I was (and am) broken-hearted.

Of course, since it ended I have had time to think
over what we might have done differently so that it
could have lasted. They say hindsight is 20-20.
There are probably a lot of things we should have
handled otherwise, but I would suggest three
principles that might have helped us. Maybe they
would interest you.

First -- find someone in a similar situation to your
own.

If you are married and wanting to stay married and
your Cyber Dom is single and looking for a r/l
partner; or if you are married to a vanilla and
determined not to end the marriage and your Cyber Dom
is looking for a way out of his, there will be
trouble, fairly soon.
You need to have compatible goals. This means
spending the time to figure out what you really want,
and then spending more time to figure out what He
really wants, when you finally find Him.

See if He shares your values. You may have decided to
be honest with your partner about what you are doing,
or you may feel you have to hide the relationship, but
if either you or your Cyber Dom feels uncomfortable
with your choices, things will go amiss. You want both
of you to find your solution in your Cyber
relationship, and to be happy with it. If one of you
is unhappy, both of you will be.

Second -- discuss everything in advance.

Timing is important here, because it may not always be
clear at what point you actually have a
"relationship." But before you get in too deep, talk
about it. Talk about it extensively. Although this
is difficult for some, it is surprisingly easier in
Cyber, because words are all we have here anyway.

Clarify your objectives in advance stick to them,
never changing without extensive re-negotiation.
Don't just drift into something that was not in your
initial plan. Make sure you share the same objectives.

Decide the parameters of your relationship and stick
to these. How often will you chat? How often will you
play? When? Will you phone each other? When? Where?
Who will pay? Will you meet in r/l? When? Where?
Openly or clandestinely? It is often helpful for both
to know what they can count on, but it is often
tempting to chat or play more than agreed. Don't.
Why not? Because Cyber can take over real life, and
once that starts to happen, you may be asking for
trouble. Sooooooooo --

Third - See that real life always takes precedence
over Cyber
Help each other to respect this. Once one or the other
of you starts letting cyber life interfere with real
life, you both have a problem. You need to monitor
yourselves and each other for signs, because it can
creep up on you. Don't give up real life activities
to be on-line. Don't fantasize about your cyber life
at the dinner table. Don't idealize your Cyber Dom to
the detriment of your spouse. You could end up going
all through the pain and disruption of a divorce (two
if your Cyber Dom is married also) only to discover
that He sits around on Sundays in His underwear, too!

I know a lot of this is awfully rigid-sounding. But
from what I understand, very few people can make this
kind of relationship work to the satisfaction of both
for any length of time (beyond a few months, by my
definition). I suspect the reason may be that it is so
easy and so tempting to let it take over everything,
until the only way out is to end it. The odds are not
in your favour. You have to keep it in its place and
keep a realistic perspective.

* This has been written from my MaleDom/femsub
perspective. Please translate as appropriate to your
situation.