Mostly One-Liners
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These pages are mostly in a lighter vein. They were collected from email lists from the '90's. Many are from bumperstickers. We always have to leave room for humor.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. Find more jokes at this website.
Everybody thinks you're an asshole, but Jesus loves you.
----from 1980's button
Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
Visualize Whirled Peas.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Dyslexics Untie!!
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff; laziness pays off NOW.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have; vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited
inventory.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry--then things get
worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move; real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Microbiology Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Ground Beef: A cow with no legs.
186,282 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Chemistry professors never die, they just
smell that way!
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't
work anyway.
Ax me about Ebonics.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
Honk, if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost.
Driver only carries $20.00....in ammunition.
Driver carries no money: he's married.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
CAUTION: I drive just like you!
