Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Why women over fifty don't have babies: they would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'til the thought goes away.
----Robert Hutchins who lived to age 78
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
Age is important only if you're a cheese.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
The older you get, the better you remember you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish & he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
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