The Smile Pages
A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.
"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the
country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a
cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm
asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and
my wife was not amused!"
"Yes, it would apear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome."
"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.
"It's not unusual", replied the doctor.
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
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"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are at a meeting
when a fire breaks out in a wastebasket. The physicist says, "I know what to do!
We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than their
ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of
oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants." As the
physicist and the chemist debate what to do, the statistician actually does
something. He runs around the room lighting more fires.
The physicist and the chemist scream "What are you doing?"
The statistician replies, "We're going to need a larger sample size."
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where
she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her
sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,
everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row
and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of
each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following
week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the
court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer,
shouting "Silence in Court!"
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says,
"Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what
happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins
his
explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding
that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "OK."
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept
going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music
kept going and I was dancing to the third song... when all of a sudden the
Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful
kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded, "God.. that must of hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my freaking fingers!"
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint
as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his
driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose
his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me.
Let's talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
A less-than-intelligent girl reported for her University final
examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her
seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five
minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes
a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes
for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas
the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my
answers."
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya
going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no
dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got!"
A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him
he owes $4.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers
have paid.
The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls
the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells
him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when,
suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a
funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking
beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next
guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds.
"Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Q) What do 7 foot African-American basketball players do in
the off-season?
A) Go to the movies and sit in front of you.
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next
to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And
get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the
parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and
bawls "And get me another coke dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back
shaking with another coke but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've
asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"
The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out
of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot
turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got guts!"
Last night as I lay in bed looking up at the stars, I thought to myself,
Where the hell's the ceiling?!
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