It's true that the people we watch on soaps aren't real, but the emotions they make us feel are. Even though we know they are just characters, they aren't real human beings with actual lives and emotions, they still become a part of our lives. We see them every day. We know them inside and out: their likes and dislikes, their strengths and weaknesses, their histories, often even their birthdays and anniversaries. Some of them we identify with more then others. These are the ones we live vicariously through. We follow their lives alongside our own. We hurt when they hurt and grin like fools when we finally see them happy. If you've ever bonded to a soap character or couple, then you know what I'm talking about. It's not as if you've lost touch with reality. It's more like you've expanded it. You get through the bad days with hope that maybe they'll be on the show, and when they are you feel like you just got a gold star.

Part of being a true soapfan is being personally invested in the lives of the characters. That is why we get so much out of our favorite show, more than any non-soapfan could possibly imagine. We let the feelings of the stories be real, even if we know the rest of it isn't. So, if we don't question the fun and excitement these characters bring us, why do we often feel ashamed when sadness engulfs us at their deaths?

Right now there is a lot of grieving going on in Port Charles, and a lot of soapfans are grieving, too. I know I am. When I first heard that Jonathan Jackson was leaving his role on GH, I just lumped it with all the other rumors and "maybes" that had been filling the magazines and circulating the web since last July. Sure, I know he is on the verge of a major film career, but I figured I could at least watch each new development as a supportive fan. When I heard the reports that Lucky Spencer would be killed in a fire, though, I had a very, very different reaction:

NOT OUR LUCKY!!!
Not Luke and Laura's pride and joy....... their legacy!
Not that bright child we watched grow to a handsome young hero!
Not Liz's best friend!
Not one half of the greatest couple on Daytime!

Losing the chance to see Jonathan Jackson's work everyday is disappointing.
Losing Lucky is a tragedy!

Ever since the episode of April 16th, GH has been a regular sob-fest for me. I prepare for the show with locked doors, a pile of tissues, and my best friends' phone numbers handy (home and work). My eyes are too puffy at the end of the hour for the usual rewinds, although at times I have been known to sob so loud I miss important lines. Am I crazy for reacting so strongly? I don't think so. How else are you suppose to react to the loss of someone you love?

As soapfans, we actually get hit with grief in more than one way.

First of all, we have to miss this character and his part within the show. I, for one, was looking forward to watching Lucky and Nik's relationship develop more. I was also hoping to see Elizabeth's parents come back to town and see their reaction to him. And now that father and son were finally getting along again, I thought we might see more of those great Lucky and Luke scenes that many of us can't get enough of. We aren't going to get any of those scenes now, though.

Second, we have to watch the other characters in Port Charles mourn and miss him. I can hardly stand the thought of Elizabeth without her Lucky, and many of us who remember how close Laura and Lucky were when he was younger never imagined that she would have deal with losing him. As we watch the reaction of each character learning the truth or weeping with the hurt, for a moment we can't help but put ourselves in that place. Of course we're going to cry! Of course we are going to grieve!

For me, there is a third kind of grief. L&L Jr. have been my favorite soap couple of all time. I've loved their story for 14 whole months, and now it's coming to an end....... (at least for the time being).

We still have to put up with the people who say, "It's just a stupid TV show, it's not like a real person died!" And, they are right, it's not the same as really losing someone in your life. The feelings are still real, though, and it is still a loss. Non-soapfans won't understand. Don't even try to make them. There is nothing wrong with feeling melancholy for a while, though, or with that knot you can carry around in your stomach. Soaps give us a license to feel more, isn't that why we love them?

So go ahead and grieve. Crying can be a good thing. Sometimes it even makes it easier to get on with your day. Want to see for yourself? Flip to the next page and read the poem there. A fellow soapfan wrote it this week as she was thinking of Lucky and Elizabeth. She put the words in Elizabeth's voice. I cried when I read it....

~Boo

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