<song time>
Way down below Lake Erie...
Way down below the Lake...
She ate cake...
Well, maybe steak...
My mistake...
</song time>

Many thousands of years ago, Clevelindia slipped beneath the murky waters of Lake Erie, taking with it an advanced civilization that would rival our own. Thus Wee get the legend of Clevel and the Indians being sucked off the continent of Clevelindia by giant silver space ships but Wee know for a fact that the space ships were actually green...

In a far off corner of the continent, in a humble 17-room mud hut, Clevel was born and lived out his early years that later became known as the "Forgettable Years". These years were filled with... uuuummm... I seem to have forgotten.

Upon reaching his 27 year of life, Clevel became a man and his manhood brought certain responsibilities, one of these responsibilities being that during the third week of each month he had to venture forth into the thick undergrowth of the Ancient Forest and perform the Kanooter Dance which made the gods happy and kept them from raining fire and brimstone down upon unsuspecting Clevelandians. The Kanooter Dance being a dance that is as old as time itself and shrouded in great mystery (involving painting oneself orange, hopping about on one foot whilst yelling at the top of one's lungs, "I AM A LITTLE KANOOTER! PLEASE! DON'T RAIN FIRE AND BRIMSTONE DOWN UPON ME!" But, you didn't hear that from me - Editor's Note) which must be performed by all males upon reaching their 27th year, 27 being the magical year of life, 33.

It was a dark and rainy night and Clevel was about to perform his third Kanooter Dance, a dance that according to the Old Wise Fuckers is the dance where all the secrets of the ages are revealed to the Kanooterer. And Clevel couldn't wait to find out what the Old Wise Fuckers were keeping secret. So, he made his way through the thick undergrowth to that very spot in which he Kanootered for the first time. Wiping the rain from his face, he prepared himself for the dance. Clevel removed all his clothes and poured the orange paint from the Kanooter Bucket all over his body. The sacred words ran through his mind over and over again. Raising his left leg off the ground, he began to hop on his right and with the hopping mode successfully engaged, the sacred words, softly at first, then quickly becoming as loud as thunder, poured from his soul like the rain which poured upon his orange flesh.

After twenty minutes of the hopping and yelling crap which was enough to wake the dead, though it didn't, Clevel noticed a small light in the sky directly above his head and with the rain falling into his eyes, it was a while before the Kanooterer realized that the small light was getting larger with each passing minute. Once Clevel realized this, he thought to himself that this is the moment he has been waiting for and the secrets of the universe will soon be revealed to him.

He looked down for a brief moment and when he looked again skyward, a large beam of light, like an unnatural ray of sunshine, hit him square in the eyes and the next thing Clevel knew he was in a nice dry room, though still naked and orange, face to face (so to speak since the other face was somewhat smaller and lower and greener than his) with a person who surely must be one of the gods but since Clevel had never seen a god, he wasn't sure.

Clevel sensed there was something strange about the way the god looked at him and then the god spoke, "Ahhh... my, what a wonderful Kanooter Dance you have given us, Clevel." Just then the god turned his head and unbeknownst to Clevel, the god made a face as if to keep himself from laughing aloud which couldn't be possible since being a god is serious business that is not to be taken lightly. The god turned back and continued, "We have been waiting since the creation of the Kanooter Dance for one such as yourself to honor us so with such a masterful performance." Clevel thought for a moment he had heard snickering in the distance and thought, "My, what a happy existence to be a god. I wonder if I could possibly become one - Clevel, god of the Kanooter Dance - that has a nice ring to it."

His fantasy was interrupted by foot steps behind him, tiny foot steps, tiny green foot steps, Clevel turned and was greeted by a small group (yep, a small group, small in stature that is) of 8 gods, together there were 9 gods around him and Clevel took this to be a good sign.

"Clevel," said the god who appeared to be the oldest and who was also the one who appeared to have the largest grin. "Before we inform you of our plans for you, you may as well get the Questions of the Ages out of the way. Ask us anything and you shall have an answer." ("Maybe not a correct answer but an answer none the less," the old god thought to himself.)

Clevel's mind went blank. He thought for a moment and then the question shot out of his mouth and there was no stopping it. "What is one half of eight?"

For some strange reason almost half of the gods left the room and Clevel worried that he had somehow asked a question which he should not have asked. After a dramatic pause (insert yer favorite commercial here), Clevel heard laughter and merriment outside the door and thought that he must have pleased the gods with his wonderful question.

The old god was grinning an almost unnaturally large grin and tears were flowing much like the rain in which Clevel had been in just moments before. Looking straight into Clevel's eyes, the old god said, "Three, no more, no less..." At this point half of the remaining gods left and left with great speed and again behind the door came the sound of merriment. "To prove this to be true, Clevel, write three, the number, not the word three on this piece of paper." Clevel did as instructed. "Now fold the paper so that the open end is against the very edge." The ever-obedient Clevel did just as instructed. "Now place the folded edge against the mirror on the wall behind you and tell me what you see." Clevel was somewhat bewildered but if a god tells ya to do it, ya do it.

"It's true! It's an eight!" and with Clevel's proclamation the room became empty except for Clevel and the old god whose grin had almost enveloped the whole of his head and whose tears could be mistaken for tiny rivers.

"Does the Kanooterer have any more questions to ask?" and under his breath, the old god muttered, "Please say no. Please say no."

Again Clevel's mind went blank. He thought long, he thought hard, he thought of seamen. And then it came to him, the question of questions, the question that he wanted to ask but was always afraid to do so, a question only a god could answer. He stood tall and proud and asked the question that came from his very soul, "Can I be a pirate?"

The question seemed to stun the old god briefly and then like a bolt of lightening, he fled the room. Clevel could hear much laughter and merriment from behind the door and was pleased with himself.

After 20 or 30 minutes, Clevel wasn't sure since he couldn't see the sun, the merriment seemed to die down and now it seemed As if some kind of discussion was going on but Clevel dared not to listen at the door for godly matters were best to be left to the gods.

And it was a good thing that he dared not since the door was opening and so entered the 9 gods. Clevel noticed that more than a few of the gods seemed to be red in the face or at least what appeared to be a redder shade of green. In one voice, the gods spoke, "Tis a pirate's life for thee!" Some, once again, left in somewhat of a hurry.

The old god stepped to Clevel's side and took him by the arm, "Come with us, Clevel, we have much to talk about and as you can plainly see there is an under-abundance of chairs in this room." Clevel looked about and realized for the first time that there was an under-abundance of everything in this room. Arm in arm with the old god, Clevel and the remaining gods left the room and strolled down a narrow hallway.

Clevel turned to the old god and stated, "I have always imagined Heaven to be much roomier."

The god to the immediate left of the old god began to, at least what Clevel thought to be, giggle which abruptly ended when the old god smited him upon his head. When the smiting was thorough and complete, the old god turned to Clevel and said, "My dear boy, this isn't Heaven, this is a spaceship, a vessel with which we travel through space." Clevel was in awe since he had never imagined that the gods would ever build such a ship that sailed through space and not upon the water. But Clevel reminded himself that these were after all gods and that they could build ships to sail in any fashion they damn well pleased. And during the stroll with the gods, Clevel began looking for cannon, which he knew that all ships carried at least to some extent to ward off doers of no good.

The small group (small in number as well as some being small in stature) turned left at the end of the hallway and entered a much larger (larger in comparison to the first room and larger than the occupants) one, which had actual furnishings with which to rest one's tired, naked, orange ass. The old god motioned for everyone to be seated and he took a seat next to Clevel.

"Now, Clevel," the old god said, "I am about to tell you something, much of which you may not understand in the least but there are things that you need to know. Are you following this?"

"The gods work in mysterious ways," Clevel said without remorse.

The old god looked straight into Clevel's eyes, a look that frightened Clevel to more than some degree, well, let's say that if Clevel had been wearing pants, he would've shit them and spoke, "We are not nor have we ever been gods. We are Leprechauns, the Wee Folk. You may have thought we were but a legend but we exist... or should I say, we did exist on your planet. Now we are of space and if you ever and I mean ever call me a god again, I shall smite thee about thy head with me shillelagh, me bucko. Got it?" Clevel nodded. "Good," added the old Wee One.

"Well now that we have that cleared up, let's start this nasty affair over again. So that there is never any confusion, you may call me Paddy.

"Once a long, long time ago, I can still remember how that country used to make me smile..." With that the Wee One who had been smited for giggling, bounced his head off the table, which made a dull thud that sent shivers up and down Clevel's spine. "Please ignore Sean, what he lacks in manners, he makes up for in... uuuummm... what is it exactly you do again, Sean?"

"Hehehehe," sarcasm was noticeable in Sean's voice, which was at least two octaves higher than Clevel imagined.

"Oh, that's right," Paddy said with mock realization, "Sean is Chief Communications Officer. How could I have ever forgotten someone as important as you, Sean?

"...and now the rest of the story.

"Well, Clevel, it seems as if we, that is the WeeFolk, and you and your people are part of what is known as "The Grand Experiment". The Creators, that is what we call them at least, design a race of beings and then see what they make of themselves. The WeeFolk were a success so the Creators relocated us to the stars. Some, such as you see before you, have decided that adventure and exploration would be our way of life while others colonized other worlds to live out a more domesticated life.

"I wish I could say that the same is true of your people but I can't. You shall be the only example of your kind to survive the..." Paddy looked very uncomfortable and cleared his throat. "...the end. Clevelindia shall be destroyed thoroughly and completely so that no sign or trace of its existence shall remain."

Clevel began to cry, all that he had known, all that he loved, would be destroyed and he knew that he was powerless to stop it. He had reasoned already that these folks, these WeeFolks, could do with him anything they wanted and there wasn't a bloody thing he could do about it and he knew that his reasoning was correct for even the Old Wise Fuckers had recognized his intelligence when they gave him the clan name of Smart Ass. And that he was, intelligent and stubborn.

After a few minutes filled with many dramatic pauses and commercial breaks, Paddy stood with a speed such that all at the table were shocked and erupted with, "OOOOOOPPPSSS!!! We forgot about the Indians!!!" There was much commotion and social upheaval when all present, except for Clevel who just looked downright stupefied, realized that they indeed forgot the Indians.

"I was always told that the Indians were just an urban legend," Clevel said looking now as if he had been smacked upside the head with a brick.

Paddy, who had been first to realize their error, was also the first to come to his senses, stated, "Clevel, as I have told you before, there is much you will not understand and the Indians may be such. The Indians are the Creators' 'spies' in Clevelandia. They observe your people, report their findings to the Creators, and carry out all 'sentences' that the Creators deem appropriate for any and all transgressions.

"Once Clevelandia had been declared a failed experiment, they were the ones who created the Kanooter Dance so that all the 'successes' and the Creators could derive some pleasure at your expense," Clevel looked as if he had witnessed his puppy being flattened by a garbage truck. Paddy continue, "It was really only to have something to do until we arrived to carry out the final judgment. And, well, we weren't in any hurry to get here and besides that the Kanooter Dance was the number one rated show through out the universe 27 straight generations but you know, too much of a good thing and such."

The Smart Ass spoke, "So, we were nothing but entertainment to you?"

"Let me put it to you this way, Clevel," Paddy replied, "if it wasn't for the Kanooter Dance, your people would have been destroyed a very long time ago and you, Clevel, would never have been born. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

"Well, now that you put it that way," the Smart Ass said, "the Kanooter Dance was a divine thing."

"And you, Clevel, were the best Kanooterer. The ratings for the episode in which you appeared were the highest ever and I mean ever, reached by the show. If the rating system can be trust, there were only three beings outside of Clevelandia who were not watching your dance and one of those beings was in a coma. This is the reason your life was spared and also why the world as you know it must be destroyed."

"OK," Clevel said feeling good about himself again, "so, when do I get to be a pirate?"

Paddy stood as a man of authority and gave the order, "First Mate, turn this ship astern so we can get Clevel a crew."

"Aye, aye, Captain," barked the First Mate who stood, saluted, and left the room.

"I hope you don't mind having Indians for a crew. It seems as if they will soon be out of a job and they really are a nice bunch of people so we'd hate to see them do nothing until the Creators can come up with another experiment," Paddy said.

"Since they come highly recommended, it shall be an honor to have them serve under me," Clevel stated with the gusto of a newly appointed captain.

"The Indians are all aboard, Captain," a voice said out of nowhere and which Clevel thought must be some kind of powerful magic.

Paddy pressed a small gold button and said, "Watch the screen, Clevel. Watch it closely for one day you may be called on by the Creators to do this."

Clevel waited patiently for something to happen on the screen. Out of the blackness, a shape emerged. At first, it is but a dot, growing larger and larger, a ball, a sphere, a blue-green round thingie that continues to grow larger and larger, filling the entire screen. Then Clevel could make out water and land still it was growing. 'Til finally Clevel could see it was Clevelandia. The Smart Ass remembered the maps he had seen well.

Then a large flash of light, an unnaturally white light, could be seen where Clevelandia had been. The flash lasted but a second and then, at least to Clevel, it seemed as if the whole of Clevelandia had risen up from the surface of the Earth. Clevelandia then settled into the deep, murky waters of the Sea of Erie and was gone. Clevel was in shock, stunned; the once mighty sea was just a mere remnant of its former self, no larger than a lake. Clevel realized at this very moment that even if he had wanted his life to be different there was nothing he could do to change to course fate had set for him.