1-31-00
I got nothin'. Here, here's a quote:
"Just because you're winnin' don't mean you're the lucky one."
That's from a Guns n Roses song. One of my favorite little lines. Enjoy it, ponder it, and come back tomorrow for a new journal month! Or don't. Either way. *smiles*
1-30-00
Today, when I was walking from my room to Subway to purchase my dinner, I looked up into the sky, and noticed that it was full of sparkles. The sky was sparkling, full of glitter. I was impressed. It was beautiful.
Snow sucks, but this was worth it..
1-29-00
I feel loopy. I'm a looper. I'm a looper. I want to be a happy looper. I want to run around in the field and dance. I want to meet people and enjoy my time. I want to talk to people and learn. I want to become a better person and forget the mistakes I've made. I want to be better to people and make them happy instead of making them sad. I want to help people without messing them up more in the process. I want to know what it will take for me to be happiest. I want to fly without wings, to quote a band that I wish I had the album of. I want to taste the salty knowledge that comes with your tears, and move beyond to feel the happiness that comes from knowing yourself.
Kicking the crap out of your depression. This is the best way to describe the kind of music that I like most. Tool is my favorite band, and I think that's what it's about..power to move through. Tori Amos, too, is all about this. She can be overly emotional but she's so powerful. She kicks the crap out of her depression. Trent Reznor..he succumbs to his emotion, then shows you what can happen if you do that, and shows you an example of why you need to never, ever do that. He shows you the power that can come from ripping yourself inch by inch out of that hole...and shows you that sometimes it's impossible to get back out if you let yourself fall in.
Apparently, the world would be missing out if I wouldn't date anyone. I'm not sure that I believe this, but this is what I am told, and I think it's a pretty damn nice thing to say to me. I dunno where I'm going with this.
This is not really happening.
You bet your life it is.
I have no idea what I'm saying anymore, so I should probably go to sleep. Heheheh, g'night. ;)
1-28-00
I really don't know what to say. There's very little I can say. I have a lot of things running through my head but so little wants to come out onto notepad. I'm happy, that is good. Or at the very least I'm not unhappy, and I'm pretty peaceful. Peaceful is neat. ;) People love me. How can I complain about anything, knowing that? Seriously.
1-27-00
Every moment of unhappiness is a wasted moment. The only wasted moments are unhappy moments. Let us try to minimize the unhappiness by realizing that most things, when looked at the right way, can make one happy. Screw being unhappy. It's really not worth it.
1-26-00
There's something to be said for being able to read. It's a wonderful way to
gain knowledge about things. Imagine if you weren't able to read..you wouldn't
be able to see this crazy thing even. Damn, I read so much, everything I know
comes from the stuff that I read..ah well. Anyway, I'm going to go to sleep,
I will write about that amazing concert some time soon.
1-25-00
Okay. Concert was good. (Understatement of the year) I'm tired so I'll write
about it later...
1-24-00
Apparently, I am PURE awesome. I suppose that I cannot complain.
Tomorrow is the Jimmie's Chicken Shack concert. I am so psyched! You'll hear about it I promise. ;)
1-22-00
You have to humor the boy who cries wolf, because by the law of averages, at
some point in time he's bound to tell the truth..and you can't take that risk.
1-18-00
"Do not seek to have events happen as you want them to, but instead want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well."
-Epictetus
This, in essence, sums up my thoughts on a lot of things. Funny how sometimes you'll come across something that reaffirms a decision (this time my decision to be in philosophy) and makes you very very happy.
Today, I can tell that I am becoming quite sick. I really doubt I'll be doing a lot of moving around tomorrow. I'm trying to stay positive..trying not to complain too much about it on account of I know that does no good for me or anyone else..and trying to do whatever I can to make myself better. Unfortunately I'm unclear as to what that might be. Ah well.
I wanna get better, but I can't do much for it except wait. So this is the last update you'll hear about my sickness until I'm better..or unless it never goes away. ;)
1-16-00
Today I noticed that people tend to tell one another things that they never originally intended to tell them, simply by the way they act. This is not to say that I never noticed this before, or that it is a profound and unique realization. It is just that when you notice a person giving away more than he or she meant to, you begin to wonder how much you are giving away, as well. I may speak volumes of words when I meant only to say hello. I may tell a person the very darkest secrets that I maintain, those hidden emotions and feelings, without even knowing it.
I ate brunch today with someone I don't know, and I never spoke a word with him except to ask if anyone else was going to be sitting at the table and if he wouldn't mind if I sat with him. And yet I learned much from him anyway.
I don't like that.
1-15-00
I guess that, at heart, deep down inside, where it counts, I am a romantic. I really believe in the possibility of a perfect sort of relationship, of meeting someone with whom I could spend my entire life. Or maybe I just want to meet someone really special that I could be close to. Someone that meshes really well to me.
You know, if you're reading this, the chances are you've heard me mention this sometime in the recent past. I have been thinking lately that nearly every decision that I have ever made has turned out poorly. A lot of the paths I've chosen, a lot of the things I've done, have ended up very bad. I know that my life is pretty damn good right now, and I really don't want much of it to change. But I really wish that, in a lot of cases, I would have done things differently, so that I would have been happier sooner. That is all that I regret, that I let myself be so very unhappy. Those choices, those things that made me unhappy, still haunt me now. They still interfere with some things I'd rather be doing. Ah well...
Hope y'all missed me. I don't know who all noticed, but I haven't been writing as often. I'll try to get back into the swing of things.
1-14-00
Sorry I was away for so long. I just plain sucked for a few days there. ;)
Well, my classes are interesting and promising. So far, they are all really cool and I can't imagine myself disliking them (yet). What sort of interesting thing can I say....oh, I've discovered sometimes it's fun to pick out the people that can't stop staring at the hot chick or hot guy..watching people is always a fun sport and I'm sure that lots of people take part in it, but it's even more fun to watch the people that are watching people too closely. :) They have a hard time making it less than obvious...
1-8-00
Trust, I imagine, is much like a ceramic vase. It is broken quite easily, if knocked down or nudged, and it can easily be shattered. You can pick the pieces up..glue them back together..but it's always more fragile after that, and it takes a lot less each time to break it. And finally..when you've got frustrated with gluing it back together..you just give up, and throw it away.
1-7-00
Underneath it all..underneath the happiness, the philosophy, my new attitudes and my enthusiasm about the future that I have chosen, I am still a very insecure person. I am still afraid and worried and very easily hurt. I try to be cold and hard, and to pretend that things don't get to me, and perhaps I succeed, I dunno, at least in appearing strong. I want, so very much, to be strong..
1-6-00
I'm very tired, and it seems to me that when I'm tired, it is impossible for me
to lie. It just takes too much work, and I'm not up to it. This is what I have
been thinking about tonight. Don't take it the wrong way, because it's not any
sort of suicidal allusion. Quite the contrary.
If I die tomorrow, a lot of people will be very sad. They will carry on about this and that, and in the end they will all be teary eyed and will have to band together for support. If, however, tomorrow I just do not get in touch with these same people, they will not think about me. They will not be sad, or feel a great sense of loss. They will not even notice, nor will I. It'll just be another normal day. And the same for the next, and the next, and the next. So why the difference in reaction?
I really don't know where I'm going with this..and I think of the two, my revelation that when I'm very tired, I cannot lie is the more profound. Ah well.
1-4-00
"Dad . . . What happens after somebody dies?"
"I don't know."
"What do you think happens?"
"Well, I suppose everything just...stops."
Hell of a thing to have to tell your kids, I imagine. What will I tell my kids, I wonder? I suppose it's a little early to think about it, but will I make up something? Will I talk about heaven, reincarnation, life after death, limbo, the immortality of the soul..or will I just say that it stops. I really couldn't tell you. I'm not going to want to lie to my kids about what I believe, what I think. But I dunno, something about that just seems sad. And I don't even have kids, don't plan to have kids any time soon, that's for damn sure.
Never mind, this is silly. That quote, by the way, was from City of Truth by James Morrow.
1-2-00
Wishes are like sharks' teeth. You know, there's rows upon rows of them, and every time one falls out, there's another right there ready to fill in.
That made a lot more sense than I thought it was going to. Go me!
1-1-00
That has got to be the single most fun date to write, ever. More fun than 9-9-99, that's for sure.
Pride, they say, cometh before the fall. I don't know, though. If you have pride in someone, something, where is the fall in that? If I am proud of someone for something that they have done, something awesome and wonderful, why is that something to cause a fall? Now, granted, I'm sure that's not the type of pride they are talking about in this little quote, but when can pride ever be totally bad? If you've done something good, then you should take pride in it. If I've succeeded, if I've met my goal, then I am going to be proud of myself, and I am not going to assume some type of fake modesty to pretend like I am not proud of myself.
Perhaps, then, it is excessive pride that is so dangerous. But anything in excess is dangerous, right? Even oxygen. So...excess is dangerous. But everyone knows that..
Happy New Year, if you're celebrating it. Have a good year, and have fun with it. I shall post a list of new year's resolutions soon. I'll have many, I'm sure.
