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The Police In Humor
NEW POLICE JOKES NEW COP HUMOR
THE ALL NEW COP JOKES
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Illegal Turn
A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!", he said.
"That's OK, Dad," his son replied. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
DUBLIN TRAFFIC STOP
A man was driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin one Friday night, when a police officer pulled him over and asked him if he had been drinking.
"Aye, that I have," the man replied. "Tis Friday, ye know, me and the lads stopped by the pub and had eight o' nine pints of the good stuff. After that I had to drive me friend Pat home and I couldn't be rude, so I had a couple of Guiness with him. Then on me way home, I had to stop to pick me up a bottle for later."
The man then fumbled around in his pockets until he found the bottle of whiskey and held it up for the officer to inspect.
Signing, the officer said, "Sir, I am afraid you'll have to step out of the car to take a breathalyzer test."
"What fer?" asked the man. "Don't ye believe me?"
GO AWAY
A veteran officer with 18 years is running radar on a main street of a rural town. Along comes a young driver in a brand new sports car going 48 mph in a 30 mph zone. The officer stops the young man and explains the violation.
The driver becomes beligerant telling the officer his badge did not mean a thing. The young driver tells the officer to go ahead and write the ticket because his father knows people that will make the ticket "go away".
While the officer completes the ticket the young driver continues his barrage of insults.
Without flinching the officer completes the ticket and hands the young driver his copies.
The driver looks at his copies and becomes very agitated. The driver said, "What the #$@%& do you think you are doing!?! I thought you said I was doing 48 in a 30. You wrote 88 in a 30?"
The officer, without hesitating said, "48, 88, whats the difference. Your dad is going to make it go away anyway."
contributed by: R2715@xxxxxx
The Motorcycle Cop I Met The Other Day
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-geek.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horse's behind.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care, my car was parked around the corner.
COPS AND KIDS
It was the end of the day when the officer parked his police van in front of the station.
As he was gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and it was then that the officer spotted the little red haired boy staring at him.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," the policeman replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the officer and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
contributed by: ROBIN2507@xxxxxx
I Can't Do That
A police officer pulls over this guy, who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
"Sorry, Officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that, either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, Officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then, I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, Officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
MRS RHODES
Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit.
"We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.
"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"
As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
BUBBA
Bubba was at the police station explaining to the officer why his cousin shot him.
"We wuz havin' us a real good time drinkin'," he explained, "when my cousin Billy Bob picked up his rifle and asked us fellas if we wanna go a huntin'."
"Okay," then what happened?" the officer asked.
"That's when I stood up and said, 'Sure. I'm game'!"
THE BUST
A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her left breast hanging out.
A cop spotted her and walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"But why, Officer?" she asked.
"Well ma'am, because your left breast is hanging out of your blouse," he replied.
She quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my God, I left the baby on the bus!"
BAR FIGHT
A young boy went running down the street in search of a policeman. Finding one, he pleaded, "Officer, please I need you to come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight."
The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he found three guys in a fistfight. "Ok, now which one is your father?" he asked the young boy.
"I don't know, officer. That's what they're fighting about!"
Q: What happens when your arrested for drunk driving?
A: You lose your buzz a lot faster.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but only if it's jelly-filled.
Gaston's Field
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor. "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex "
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"
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