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Someone Really Important
After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regret his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh,wonderful. Now I'm really gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"The Governor?"
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"Well, He's got the Pope driving for Him!"
THE FARMHAND
A redneck farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling - what should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."
SERIAL KILLER
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.
"What happened?" asks the first officer.
"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."
"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"
"You're right" said the detective, "I'm afraid this is the work of a cereal killer."
HOT OLD COUPLE ON A FENCE
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers going at it against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.'
So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed! He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric.
THE REDNECK GAME WARDEN
This guy was deer hunting in North Carolina. He shoots a deer, and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this redneck Game Warden who asks to see his hunting license. The hunter shows him the license, and is about to leave when the Game Warden says "Not so fast, Boy. I need to inspect the deer."
The Game Warden then reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger. The Game Warden gets angry then says "Wait a minute Boy! This here ain't no North Carolina deer; this here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you Boy?"
Well, it just so happens that the guy had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He goes back into his wallet hand pulls out a Virginia Hunting License.
The Game Warden looks at the valid license and disappointingly says, "Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up Boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on; get out of here."
The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same Game Warden who says "Just a minute Boy. I need to inspect the deer."
He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs his finger and says "Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?"
The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the Game Warden, who again has to let him go.
So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shoots a deer; one from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the Game Warden stops to do the Finger Test, and each time the hunter is able to produce the correct license. Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious: "Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the south! Where the hell are you from, anyway?"
The hunter drops his pants, bends over and says "You Tell Me!"
LEROY THE PARTY ANIMAL
Leroy was spotted driving along the highway at a steady speed, when he suddenly indicated right and pulled off onto the shoulder. He quickly jumped out of the car and opened the trunk. From a large bag, he produced a party hat, streamers, a bottle of lemonade, sandwiches and a cake. After eating the food and drinking the lemonade, he launched into a little Irish jig.
The whole proceedings lasted about fifteen minutes, after which he got back in his car and drove off.
Curious, the police followed him at a distance and half an hour later, they saw him stop and repeat the whole procedure. This was too much for the officers, so they decided to check him out.
"Can we ask you the reason for all the stops and the food, drink and Irish jigs?" one of the officers asked.
"Well, sir," explained Leroy, "I'm on the company's outin'."
"But you're the only one here," argued the officer.
"Yeah, I know," replied Leroy. "I'm self-employed!"
DOG LICENSE
There was a drive on throughout the community to round up all stray dogs and all those with no license....
A police officer pulls Leroy over, walks up beside Leroy's ole beat up pickup truck and Leroy says, "What is the problem officer?"
The police officer looks at Leroy and points to Ole Blue (Leroy's huntin' dog) which happens to be sitting in the passenger seat. The officer says, "Does that dog have a license?"
Leroy replies, "No sir, he don't need one. You see I do all the driving myself."
RIDDLE
4 people are in a church
a lawyer
a doctor
a priest
and some dude.
Outside the church a cop walks by and hears:
NO JACK! DON'T KILL ME!!!
The cop opens the church door and sees some "dude" dead on the floor and arrest's the priest.
WHY?
Answer:
The lawyer and the doctor are women.
THE DRUNK WOMAN
Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.
They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate."
They drove a while longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate".
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live.
She replied, I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin' It!"
IT'S OK, COME ON HOME!
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
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