Dark Humor

Horror Movie Survival Guide

The following is a partial list of what to do if you're caught in a horror movie,
or something close to it. It's good advice. *wink*

• If the house you're living in tells you to "Go Away," do so!
• Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house. It is also a good idea to rethink your hiding place if you're about to duck into one of these places.
• When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces so small that it isn't a threat to you any longer. If you've shot it, shoot it again in the head, and remember to shoot until it stops moving, and then keep shooting until you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, which works with anything other than a spirit or demon. Then run away!
• If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, leave. This goes for bleeding walls, as well.
• Never read aloud from a book that summons demons, nor one that opens any sort of netherworld portal. Not even in jest. It just isn't good sense.
• Do not go into the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
• If trees, TVs, or any other objects try to consume your children, save as many of them as you can grab and run!
• If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, leave!
• If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from, nor decide it's safe to leave your hiding place.
• If you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER EVER pair off or go alone. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better chance YOU have to make it out alive.
• If you've just run over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature with your car, don't stop! Keep going!
• As a general rule, don't attempt any hand held puzzles that aren't a recognizable Rubick's Cube. They could open a doorway to Hell or other such paradox that you want no part of.
• Never stand in, on, above, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc. especially if it's midnight on Friday the 13th and a full moon.
• If you find something that appears to be alive yet can't be identified, don't pick it up or touch it. Forget what you saw and leave.
• If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.
• If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, hauntings, or located atop an ancient burial ground, leave!
• If supernatural voices start calling your name, leave!
• Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it. It might also be a good time to ensure that the safety is off, also.
• Never accept the dare to spend the night alone in a haunted house. Chances are, it's not a good idea if there's four or less people with you.
• Do not allow yourself to be coerced into the sewer by any clowns. They may be evil.
• If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you're a female. Do not turn to look back, or you stand a good chance of tripping again immediately and finding your persuer above you with their weapon. If you DO manage to turn back and don't fall down and do not see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature behind you, turn around and run back the other way immediately because he/she/it is now in front of you.
• If anyone you know begins to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, or any other such strange things, get away from them as soon as possible.
• Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are the following: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
• If you are alone in a house and something call your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is available. If there is none, make one, even if you have to do so by running through the wall!