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In the winter, place extremely large snowballs in front of the doors.

Insert an extremely cheesy CD (preferably Barry Manilow or ABBA) into a friend's favorite CD case. Make sure that the Cd's look similar. After they unwit tingly put the CD in without checking, watch their expressions as the room is filled with "Coppa Cabana". Continue to switch CD's as needed.

Take a mini-tape recorder and record the words "They're coming for you." Turn volume setting to whisper and press play as your friend sleeps. Hide some where inconspicuous.

Take some Oreo cookies. Undo the tops, one at a time, and place a small circle of wax paper in between the cookie and the filling. Then set them out to watch your victim take a big bite!

Every day take a small object from another student's room and place it in a different room. Repeat until room is empty.

More instructions for shooting toilet water: Materials: 6" piece of small diameter tubing, 't' valve. Process: Remove the top lid of the toilet tank, the filler tube in the center of the tank has a samll tube from which it fills the bowl. Pull the tube out ot the filler, install the tvalve & the other end of tubing. put the bottom part of the tavalve back into the filler & redirect the new section of tub ing pointing out at where the victims back will be when seated. Place the lid back on, being careful not to leave the tubing showing. When your mark flushes, the water will squirt out, trapping your mark & catching him/her by suprise in the small confi nes of the toilet stall. Been tried twice with excellent results. Even better if you can find one is to place a car washer jet on the outer end of the tube which fans the spray out.

Put white 'art' paper like the kind used in pep rallies over the outside of a dorm room doorway. You and your friends get up a little early to stand out in the hall and clap and cheer when the roomate who's in on the prank jumps through the paper (like a football game). The next day, repeat the procedure, placing a candy or drink machine behind the paper. When the 2nd roommate (who's not in on it) tries t o burst through the paper for his/her applause, BOOM! S/He will hit the back of the machine and rebound back into the room.

Tape down the button on the receiver of the telephone and call them.

Fill a very large glass full of water, tell a friend to place their hands on a table (plams down), put the glass on top of one hand and ask if it hurts, when they say "no" tell them to put one hand on top of the other, place the glass on top of both hands and walk off.

Send in the victim's name as being interested in joining the navy, air force, marines, coast guard, etc.

Get a pair of old boots, put them on the floor in the toilet to make it look like someone is sitting on the toilet. Then lock the toilet door. Works best if there is only one toilet. Watch people repeatedly walk in and them come straight out again. Pa rticularly works well after lunch or morning tea.

Whenever there are grapes in the fridge, be sure to put one on top of every bottle, tupperware container, dish, can, etc. EVERYthing must have a grape on top of it. After the second round of "grapes on bottles" the victim's failure to see the humor will manifest.

Do you know a deep sleeper? Gather a few friends and pick up the deep sleeper's bed and carry it into the quad in the middle of campus. Hopefully, he won't awake until there are people all around him. Extra laughs come when he sleeps, well, pajamaless.

First, you need to find a cow. Transport the mellow beast to the multistory-dorm of your choice. Lead the cow right on upstairs to the top floor. Give the cow some hay or grain (also useful to lead the cow...) and water. Wait for the fun to begin. When officialdom appears and starts to "take charge" of the situation, they will find that while a cow will readily go *up* the stairs, no power on earth will induce a cow to go *down* the stairs.

Use this if you know the people inside a room or dorm room has no other way out. You take about two rolls of duct tape and make a duct tape wall so that the entire door frame plus about another foot of area outside the door frame will be covered with duct tape. To make the wall you must inter lace the duct tape to make it stronger. Needless to say, the victim will have difficulties getting out.

The next time you have a party be sure to stock up on super glue. When the victim falls asleep put the super glue on their zipper of their pants.

Take a dorm door off it's hinges and put police tape on the hole where it used to be.

Put a sign that says "Janitor's Closet" over someone's dorm. Then dress up like a janitor and knock constantly asking for trashbags or disinfectant.

Hide many different alarm clocks throughout the victim's room and set them all for different times.

For a sticky shower, unscrew showerhead that your evil roommate showers in and put a piece of hard candy in there. Replace head and don't forget to avoid the shower. Yellow Jolly Ranchers work well and don't change the water's color.

If the building is heated by a hot water system, throw grass seed on the floor during the Christmas break in winter and when the roomate cames back after the winter break there will be a lawn in the room!

Put bubble gum behind the wheels of a chair.

Wait till your victim is away for a weekend. Dip everything plastic (pens, phones, etc.) in liquid nitrogen, break it, and stick it together again. Everything plastic will break when he picks it up.

If you live in a dorm with tiles on the bathroom door, pour rubbing alcohol in the cracks, wait for your victim to go into the bathroom and seat himself. Light it. (Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher around.) Add some evil sounds for more effect.

Turn an overhead projector on and place it so that the light is facing a closed door. Whoever opens it will be greated with a flood of light.

Take one of those musical greeting cards rip out the part that actually plays the music. This is only about the size of a quarter. When the victim isn't watching, plant this somewhere near them. Since it is so small, it is relatively easy to hide in a pocket or a purse.

Put goldfish in all the toilets. Where did they come from?

Replace a guys undies (especially briefs) with ones one or two sizes too small. Itch...

While the victim is asleep carefully put Vaseline between their toes. The person's toes will start to wiggle. The apparent mechanism is that when your toes start slipping against each other, your mind insists on making them slip and slide more and mor e. The upshot of this is that the part of the mind that's supposed to be getting rest is busy moving toes. The victim 'wakes up' having had no sleep at all.

Turn all the pictures and posters upside down. Another test of their sanity...

If your victim is your roommate, switch the material in your waste baskets and pull his bed away from the wall a quarter of an inch every day. Sanity test...

For faucets with an optional squirt hose, rubber band the trigger down.

Fill a small box with the punch-holes from paper tapes. Remove the bottom and place it on a bookshelf. The victim will pick it up letting all the holes everywhere. Simple but sweet.

If the victim uses Head 'n Shoulders or Selsun Blue shampoo, and a few drops of methylene blue (available in pet stores) to a full bottle. Over time (if the victim is fair-haired), you will notice their hair turning BLUE, as methylene blue stains all organic material.

Take their stuffed animals, soak them in water and put them in the freezer.

Make the cook of the house mad and peel all the labels off the canned foods in the pantry.

While your dormate is asleep in bed sneak into his room and cover his entire floor with dixie cups that have been filled with water. Make sure you cover the entire floor not leaving any room to walk, when they wake up they will have no choice but t o drink their way out.

Polish the floor and stick teflon to the legs of select items of furniture.

For a pair of roommates, switch all or their possesions.

Tape together a bunch of sheets of newspaper to cover the victim's doorframe. Then tape a big sheet over the doorframe and leave a gap of about two or three inches between the sheet and the door. Fill the gap with paper balls right to the top of the d oorway. The victim will be showered with a barrage of paper balls. Obviously, the door has to swing in for this to work.

Kidnap some small beloved object (teddy bear, etc.) Once its owner has noticed it's gone, suspend it from a window in the dining hall, TV lounge, physics building, whatever.

Distribute a roommate's furniture throughout campus. Good reactions from everybody.

Take someone's door and hide it for a while. You get great reactions from this one. They may not care at first but what happens when they want some privacy?

Tie one end of a rope to someone's doorknob and tie other end to a doorknob across hall. Neither party will be able to leave their room. How long will they be able to bear their roommate?

Wait until lat on a school night. Get a friend and set up the room to look as if the two of you are busy studying for a test. Turn on some classical music at a low volume. Then, on que, begin jumping up and down and banging chairs against the floor. Y our dormmates living directly below you will go ballistic. After about 30 seconds, stop and return to 'studying'. The downstairs neighbors will come up to find out what's going on. What noise? Wait five minutes and call them (hang-up call) to make sure th at they are in their room. Then, repeat the process as many times. When you open your door, they should be sure by then that you are the culprit. Offer to help them find the culprit (this will really throw them off). Of course, YOU haven't heard anything, so they will most likely refuse. Repeat this prank periodically for maximum effect. The victim may begin to question their sanity.

Leave old trash paperbacks around launderettes and other public places. Write inside the front cover: Property of Victim. I need this book for my thesis. If found, please return to address for a $10 reward.

Get a somewhat long spool of rope, and when walking down the street (acting official), get someone to assist you in measuring a distance. Pick a spot near a corner, go around, and find another person to hold the other end of the rope.

Remove everything from someone's room and set it up somewhere else exactly as it was. Try moving it to the roof of a building, front courtyard of the residence, or in the dining hall. How'd that get there?

Cover the doorway with paper, just paper. Let the victim open the door, find the paper, and break it all down. Do this as many times as you wish. The next time, paper the door and place a trash can behind the door. By this time, he sh ould just walk through the paper. Donk...

Take a plastic 35mm film canister, paper punch-holes and a can of freeze spray (at fine electronics stores everywhere). Fill the film canister with about 1/4" of freeze spray then add punch-holes until the film canister is at least half full, replace the lid on the canister. Set the canister on a desk or shelf. When the canister pops it shoots paper all over the area. Different amounts of liquid causes it to pop at different times. Fun to fool around with.

Remove the drain pipe from the sink and put a bucket of water balanced above the door, ready to fall on him when he opens the door. They're too smart too fall for the old Bucket-On-Top-Of-The-Door gag, so they take it and empty it into their sink. :)

Armor-All is only visible when sprayed on concrete (and dried) during a rainstorm (or lawnsprinkler). You can then write all you want about friends all over the neighborhood. It lasts for a good couple of rain storms.

Glue a quarter to the sidewalk.

Play floor hockey in the hallway- with flaming tennis balls!

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1.Kill several people. Store the corpses underneath your roommate's bed. Call the police.

2.Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.

3.Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

4.Tell him/her that you're committing suicide, and let him/her find some dynamite under your bed.

5.Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

6.Become Forrest Gump.

7.Start a food drive around campus to feed your roommate. Comment often on how fat s/he's getting.

8.Twitch a lot.

9.Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

10.Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

11.Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

12.Speak in tongues.

13.Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

14.Walk and talk backwards.

15.Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

16.Eat glass.

17.Smoke ball-point pens.

18.Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

19.Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

20.Dye all your underwear lime green.

21.Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

22.Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

23.Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.

24.Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

25.Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"

26.Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

27.Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.

28.Skip to the bathroom.

29.Always flush the toilet three times.

30.Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

31.Shave one eyebrow.

32.Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

33.Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.

34.If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

35.Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

36.Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

37.Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.

38.If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

39.Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

40.Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.

41.Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

42.Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

43.Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.

44.Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

45.Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

46.Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

47.Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.

48.Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

49.Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.

50.Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.

51.As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

52.Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.

53.While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.

54.Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.

55.Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.

56.Start a brothel.

57.Invite the Dean to sleepover.

58.Invite the school President to sleepover.

59.Invite your roommate to sleepover.

60.Collect empty pop cans. Duct tape them together outside of your door, creating a wall. Keep your roommate in there for the weekend, while you visit friends.

61.Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

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2. Leave Post-It notes in the shower for others

3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for 5 minutes. Afterwards keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

4. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much Beavis and Butthead. Do it again. Tell him/her that your not sorry because this time they deserved it.

5. Put your glasses on before going o bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.

6. Eat lots of Lucky Charms. Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.

7. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.

8. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

9. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading!"

10. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

11. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

12. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

13. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."

14. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.

15. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her. He/She won't be here much longer.

16. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.

17. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

18. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Ooh, are you dying?"

19. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

20. Arrange 13 different colored toothbrushes on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

21. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

22. Explain to your roommate that you are going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch t.v. with the pig, eating lots of bacon.

23. Wear a cape. Stand in front of the window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside the window and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.

24. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

25. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then, stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"

26. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he/she knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

27. Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

28. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

29. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

30. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.

31. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore have conquered his side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.

32. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.

33. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.

34. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh wow! 894-8302! Holy cow!")

35. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

36. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you want to have a conversation.

37. Talk like a pirate all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrgh!

38. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.

39. Keep some worms in a shoe box. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they are talking about.

40. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

41. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.

42. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she complains about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.

43. As soon as your roommate turns off the light at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

44. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think that the refrigerator has been taking steroids.

45. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.

46. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.

47. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide to your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.

48. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.

49. Store all your possesions on top of your bed and put the mattress underneath. Twitch violently while repeating “Gotta save space” 20 times.

50. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.

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Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

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25 Ways To Confuse Your Professors

Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."

If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.

Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"

Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.

Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.

Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.

Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.

Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pig sty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."

Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.

Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"

Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.

Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.

Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.

Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.

Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring."

Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.

When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the postal service.

Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.

Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.

Ask stupid questions such as: "Is ear wax poisonous?" When your professor says no, jump up and yell,"Thank God! I'm going to survive!"

In the middle of class stand up and walk out. A couple of minutes later come back in and sit back down. Act as though nothing happened. Do this every 20 minutes.

Fake an orgasm in the middle of your professor's lecture. If he/she asks about it say that their lecture was really compelling.

Pretend to be sleeping. Then in the middle of your professor's lecture jump up and yell,"Where the hell am I!" Then sit back down and go back to sleep.

Run out of class screaming,"Someone please stop the itching, I'm covered in fleas!" A couple of minutes later walk back into class and act as though nothing happened.

If you have an early class, at the start of class begin shaving with an electric razor. If your professor protests, say,"I wouldn't have to shave right now if you didn't schedule your class so early." Continue shaving.

Wear a hockey helmet everyday to class. If your professor asks about it say that you can never be too careful. One day don't wear the helmet and say you don't think you need it anymore. The next day come in with your head wrapped in bandages.

In the middle of your professor's lecture about a war start booing. Say that you were cheering for the country that lost.

Ask for an extension on your paper and when your professor asks why say, "THEY'RE" after you and you have to leave the country for a while" If your professor asks who "THEY'RE" is say that he already knows too much and they may come after him they find out.

Instead of writing notes on what your professor says, make up your own notes. Then when you write a test use the information from your notes as answers. When you get the test back, act outraged and show your professor your notes and claim that he said all these things.(only do this on tests that don't matter).

Back to the top

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog".

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Pay tolls with $100 bills

34. Practice the art of limp handshakes

35. Tell the ending of movies

36. Give little kids clothes for their birthdays

37. Leave the toilet seat up

38. Take more than 10 items to the express checkout lane

39. Turn on your brights for oncoming traffic

40. Finish other people's crossword puzzles

41. Use the last square of toilet paper, DO NOT CHANGE ROLL

42.Drum your fingers during other people's presentations

43. Don't leave a message at the beep, JUST A CLICK

44. Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways

45. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two

46. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April

47. See if you can be the first one off the plane, even if you are sitting by the window

48. Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations

49. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons

50. Go up the down escalator

51. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines

52. Snap your gum

53. Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while you're at it, leave the cap off

54. Open umbrellas in crowded hallways

55. Announce when you're going to the bathroom

56. Read over other people's shoulders on the bus

57. When it says, "Reserved Parking", this means you

58. Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one you want

59. Leave your pantyhose hanging in the shower

60. Chew other people's pencils

61. Lie to your therapist

62. Let doors slam behind you -- in other people's faces

63. Tell teenagers how things were in your day- even if you're only 20.

64. Hold the elevator until you have finished your conversation

65. Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in

66. Wear large hats during the movies

67. Cause gridlock

68. Bring 15 things into the dressing room

69. Draw mustaches on posters

70. Don't rewind videocassettes before bringing them back

71. Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you, MOVE IN FRONT OF THEM WHEN THEY TRY

72. Touch strangers

73. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads

74. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa

75. Leave pages in the copier

76. Be "in conference" all the time

77. Buy it, wear it, return it

78. Tell people they have bad breath

79. Smell smoke often and announce it

80. Put everyone on speakerphone

81. Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you

82. Rain on someone's parade

83. Flirt with a friend's spouse, lick your lips slowly, wink, etc.

84. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team

85. Shake with your left hand

Back to the top

Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.

Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.

Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.

Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."

Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.

Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.

Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.

Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.

Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."

Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."

Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.

Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.

Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.

Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."

Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.

Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.

Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.

Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."

Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.

Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."

Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.

Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.

Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."

Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."

Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

When ever your roommate has company walk over into the middle of the room and sit down, cross legged without saying a word. Be oblivious to their presence. Pull a long piece of string out of your pocket, leaving one end still in your pocket. Take the other end and place it in your mouth. Make LOUD chewing noises as you chew on the string. If anybody says anything give them a questioning look, grunt, and continue to chew while staring, unfocused, straight ahead.

Buy a copy of Helter_Skelteror Silence of the Lambs, or any equally gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling "that looks good" as you highlight pages in the book.

Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "snakes snakes!"

Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommates name. Complain that you never get mail.

Wear your clothing backwards and walk around the house backwards.

Carry a pair of walkie talkies with you at all times. Insist that they use it when ever they want to talk to you.

Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're doing behind the couch, under the table, etc, look at them exasperatedly, come out of the hiding and tell them that they gave away your hiding place. Refuse to talk to them for several hours.

Tie bedsheets together into a rope. Use it to get out of the house every morning.

Read the Elf's Dreambook Sign the Elf's Dreambook

Questions? Comments? Suggestions? E-mail me!