I don't get it. It's not like I ever claimed to understand guys anyway. But then it's been said around here more than once that guys are simplistic beings, so simplistic that girls can't understand them. Girls are the ones who complicate everything. And I try not to complicate things, really. I think females are complex by nature and therefore I cannot believe that there is not another motive behind everything - every word, every move, every lack of move, every left behind coat...
So that brings us to yesterday.
I called Jeff to remind him he'd left his coat in my room around 9:30 so he popped over to get it. And he stayed for a few minutes to talk. It was obvious he was exhausted. And I was supposed to be reading and I was tired myself so I wasn't upset that he had to go. And he hugged me again. So he left. Oh, and Andrea was working the desk and she called me "sweet cheeks" when he buzzed up. Which made me laugh, but at the same time, I wonder what he thought. Andrea buzzed me later to come down and visit her. I went down stairs in my PJs and we talked for a while about boys and she tried to write to her "white trash love" over email, except she took an hour to write five lines because she looks so far into everything. I've done it too. See what I mean about girls being the ones who complicated everything?
When Andrea was off, I came back up to my room and was almost in bed when David called. It was kind of a shock. I was thinking about him earlier. I'd called my mom early in the evening, and, like every time I look at the telephone, I thought of calling him. But I'd dismissed it. Why? It's ridiculous, but I finally am over him. I've accepted that it's always going to hurt and that I'm going to think compulsive bad things about sleeping with him because he was the first person I ever slept with. And currently the only person. And it helps when I get a useful song to help me forget about it. This time, it's "Time Capsule" by Matthew Sweet.
Stop what you're doing to me
My love don't want to see
Then-We were young and strong
Now-Everything is wrong
Did you want me
Did you need me
Could you not say
You believed me
And our love is in a time capsule
Dream what you want me to be
Come and dig for me
Then-We were young and strong
Now-Everything is wrong [so wrong]
Did you want me
Did you need me
Could you not say
You believed me
And our love is in a time capsule
Then-We were young and strong
Now-Everything is wrong, so wrong
Didn't you want me
Didn't you need me
Could you not say
You believed me
Didn't you want me
Didn't you need me
Could you not say
You believed me
And our love is in a time capsule
Let's dig it up...
Yeah. So I was dealing with it and he called to tell me how bad his life has been going and how he really wants more than anything just to get away. And how does he plan on getting away? Visiting me in Halifax. What he doesn't realise is that I am mostly over it now. More than I ever was before and probably as much as I'll ever be. And I kind of like Jeff (thought I'm really trying not to complicate things at this early stage). And I'm busy with school. David just popping in to visit just may not be the best thing. Of course, I always think he's breaking up with Hilary and that small part of me peeps up: "Maybe he wants you back!" That's comical to me now. And of course, he said he wanted to get away to visit me because he never sees me anymore and he misses me. He doesn't write and only calls occasionally. Actually, it's better for me that way because it was helping me get some space. But he wants to get in trouble. What kind of trouble he wouldn't say. And if his current idea of naughtiness is sleeping with me... There was a time when I would have been interested - like the last time he was here to visit. That won't work this time, especially if I'm with Jeff, which I may be by then. If I don't forget about it within the next 48 hours by realising its impossible in some way. But he seems to like me and I think I do like him.
Someone called Jeff a ladies man. I don't know about that. He seems pretty genuine to me. And Jeff apparently had a massive crush on this girl who's the roommate of one of my friends and it was very unrequited. Like we all knew that the girl thought of him as a brother. Definitely unrequited love.
As Andrea says: "Unrequited love sucks my ass."
I'm hoping I don't turn into the obsessive boy-crazed girl again. I like the me I was there for a while - boy-free and content. Horny and unsatisfied, but content.
© lily keller 2001
ever since I walked away from you?
I miss you for real
every day of my life
how do I feel
now that it's over?
for the thing that I miss the most
is missing you
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