At least it's not Friday the thirteenth.
But really... what do I have to complain about today? Last night I was planning on having a drink (and I meant A drink) in the bar and then heading to Thelma and Louise's apartment for their housewarming party. After dinner in the dining hall (pizza and donairs, which means pizza with donair sauce - yum - but so bad for you...) Jeff decided he'd come down to happy hour with me. This is fine, but lately Jeff's been acting a little more interested. And for all my ranting about not being interested in anyone for more than five minutes lately... well, I may be eating my words. Jeff dragged me up to the bar, away from Louise, which was cute in its own way, and bought a pitcher of draught. Jeff can't pour beer and ends up with a lot of head. Heh heh. Of course, I meant to write that. But we'll see whether that's true in a minute I guess...
Anyway..
Jeff and I sat down with a bunch of my friends and chatted for a bit. And he touched my leg!!! It's not much, but it's something. I'm drinking the beer for both him and me since he's left to talk to his tutors that are in the bar. I talked to some of the guys whom I never see anymore since they all moved further away and don't take the same classes. Jeff came back and kept touching my leg in this nice way. Not like when some guys do it and it feels possessive and icky. It was nice. And I liked it. It's been a long time since anyone actually bothered to care... Man, anyway, I'm feeling a little like Rambling Rose today.
Jeff left but insisted I come meet him at a party later. A kegger. So I told Andrea, who lives down the hall and is in love with a guy she calls her "White Trash Love". This guy would also be at the kegger. Andrea and I decided to head to Thelma and Louise's for a bit and then we'd head over to the party later. Thelma and Louise's was great. Kirstie was there from poetry and some other people from my department (which is funny because neither Thelma nor Louise are in it) and other people who live in the same building that we know. The guys from the bar were supposed to come but all got extremely drunk. They were so drunk that when we were in the elevator (after I found them in the top floor lounge where they were pulling shit) they decided to give each other wedgies to test just how drunk they were. It was terrifying. I don't want to think too hard about it. Needless to say, campus security witnessed me screaming that it was absolutely disgusting. Blech.
So after a couple of coolers on top of the beer at happy hour, Andrea and I decided to head over to the party, which was just a block over and up from Thelma and Louise's. It was a little chilly outside, but I was smart and had brought my hat. Though I did reek of cigarettes from the bar, like every Friday. Not so smart when going to meet a guy at a party. But as we approached the house there seemed to be a mass exodus going on. No sirens, so we figured they must have run out of beer (too true, actually). Andrea and I figured the party must be dead so we took off back to the campus. I went upstairs after chatting with a couple of people, but only made it half way back to my room (hearing a disturbing story about someone killing their roommate's fish by putting a shot of vodka in the tank). I heard Jeff so I went downstairs and found him. I signed him in and let him go try to find his hat, which he'd left somewhere in the building. I waited for a couple of minutes, figuring he'd show. When he didn't, I shrugged and grabbed my toothbrush and headed for the bathroom. Of course, everyone was using the bathroom at once so I had to find an empty one in the other end of the hall. When I went back, Jeff was standing in front of my room writing on my message board. (He erased it before I could see it but it was something along the lines of "you're not here") He came in and we sat on my bed for a long time listening to the Rheostatics and talking. He put his legs against mine and was looking at me. I wanted to kiss him, and I think he wanted to kiss me, but I never know how to go about these things. Like with John and how it took forever. It's always better when the guy makes the move because I never do. But maybe I should this time. If I get Jeff alone today, I'll kiss him. If I get the sense he wants me to... augh.
Anyway [again!]
Jeff stayed for a while and when he was ready to go because he was tired (so was I - it was late and I'd been drinking - guaranteed tiredness) he HUGGED me. It's not much, but it was a nice long hug. And not awkward at all. And the hug sparked more conversation so he stayed a few more minutes and then he HUGGED ME AGAIN! Very exciting. So he left and I got the sense he still wanted to kiss me but didn't know how to go about doing it. But my lips were very dry and I was kind of glad I didn't end up with a repeat of this. So I guess I just need to return his jacket since he left it in my room. It gives me lots of oppurtunity to see him, and for him to come to my room. He can't leave since I have his coat, his hat and his gloves and it's cold outside. I mean, I have two coats, but I'm a girl. And one's my dress coat, technically. I can hardly wait to see him again.
But I said I had nothing to complain about... see, I feel great that Jeff might work out because he's adorable and nice. And then there's that awful doubt because things have been so weird with me and relationships lately. There was the phase, and it wasn't like that was fun. And there were always david and john to make me feel just generally gross about relationships. And there shouldn't be anything holding me back, really and yet...
And yet I'm feeling sort of like this might not be the best idea. He's young, etc... It's not even that. It's me. And I'm not going to let that part of me that's always trying to ruin my fun make me into the Sad Girl again.
© lily keller 2001