The scene opens on a grassy field, miles outside of Midgar. A congragation is gathered there, a small casket suspended over an equally small rectangular hole...
Priest: ...And so, we say goodbye to a friend. A loved one. Beloved
companion of our great President, Rufus Shinra...
Rufus: *stands motionless and unemotional*
Priest: May ye have an eternal rest. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...
Rufus: *steps forward and tosses a yellow rose onto the casket*
Priest: We commit the body of... Pooky-Wookums, the stuffed Mako Bear, to
this eternal resting place, serene and pleasant...
Just then, Vincent swings in on a vine and snags the small casket, disappearing over a cliff edge
Priest: What the #%$&^?!
Rufus: *looking up* Where did that vine come from...?
"What the #%$&^!?"
The scene switches to Cosmo Canyon, where AVALANCHE, minus Vincent and Yuffie, are gathered...
Cloud: Okay... we have several goals to achieve. We must find Hojo and
retrieve the plans for his super-secret, deadly Shinra weapon. We must also get Sephiroth's lucky socks from previously mentioned mad scientist, in order to deprive previously mentioned madman's true power. Finally, we must get our materia back from Yuffie, who has bamboozled us again. Now--
Cid: GODDAMMIT!! Bamboozled?! What the HELL is your problem?! Just
shut up already!! What's out FIRST order of business?
Barret: We got's to get our Materia back first, foo'.
Red XIII: Yes. That is the most logical choice.
Cloud: Fine! You're all so mean to me...
Cid: Oh for the love of the Planet! Why don't you just go CRY me a
river then?!
Cloud: *Snort* Wee-wee-wee... Hurk... HURK... *SNIFFLE* *runs off into his
room, loud sobbing clearly audible from behind the door*
Tifa: Poor baby...
Cid: That's JUST what the little asshair is, too. Now, where is Yuffie? She wasn't in Wutai, we searched all over after she took it from us there.
Red XIII: She's not here either. But I have an idea of where she may be.
Barret: Yo' where be 'dat, foo'?
Red XIII: Why, the annual Materia Festival in Junon, of course.
Barret: Hey! 'Dat's right! 'Dey have it dere cuzza all da' stores n' shit!
Red XIII: So, let's get over there before she sells all our Materia.
Cid: Hell, looky there. Even this foppish dog says it manlier than
that pansy-ass Cloud.
Suddenly another outburst of sobbing can be heard from within Cloud's room
Cait Sith: Say, where's that gothic feller? Vincent? I just noticed he
wasn't 'round.
Barret: We ain't got time fo' his ass now! To Junon!!!!
AVALANCHE leaves Cosmo Canyon, followed shortly by Cloud, who had recomposed himself after several minutes... Meanwhile in Midgar, Floor 70 of the Shinra Building....
Rufus: I want that Mako Bear back!
Reeve: What's the relevence of a... uh... 'dead' stuffed Mako Bear?
Rufus: That's just it! He wasn't really dead! It was all a ruse! He took
the same evil sneaky potion Romeo took in "Loveless"!
Reeve: That wasn't "Loveless", it was...
Rufus: Spare me the details! In any case, that foolish bear is going to leak the secret information to those little AVALANCHE people!?
Reeve: How can you be sure of that?
Rufus: The stupid Santa Clause impersonator from AVALANCHE took him!
Reeve: ...He doesn't look anything like San--
Rufus: Oh, be quiet! You nitpick too much. I'll just call the Turks on this.
Heidegger: GYA HA!! Yes sir!! *spritzes some antiseptic in his mouth and blows on a harmonica* Mi, mi, mi, miiiiii...! Ahem..... TURKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Turks: *all rush in, stumbling over each other, before forming into a line*
Tseng: Reporting for duty.
Rufus: Right. I want you all to find Pooky-Wookums, the stuffed Mako Bear.
Reno: Oh!! He was my BESTEST friend when I was a little tyrant!!
Rufus: You will never, EVER say that in my presence again. He was MY bestest friend. Now go. Go and find that Mako Bear!
The Turks: Yes, sir!! *they all salute and run off*
Reeve: This is ridiculous...
Rufus: That does it. Heidegger, take this heathen to the dungeon.
Heidegger: We don't have a dungeon, sir!
Rufus: What? Well, build one and put him there.
Heidegger: Sir! There are complex tunnels and gas pipes beneath this building. Carving out a dungeon is nearly impossible!!
Rufus: The keyword is 'nearly'. Now go DO it!
Heidegger: YES...sir. *he turns and wobbles away*
Reeve: Uh.... in the meantime, I'll just be over here... escaping...
Rufus: Good, you do that. I have more important things to do-- Wait a second, you can't...
It was too late. Reeve was halfway out of the building by the time Rufus
caught on. Meanwhile, AVALANCHE have arrived at Junon....
Cloud: We need to split up to find her! I'll take this road, you take that road, and you two take that road, while you take that road... *Cloud had failed to point in any specific direction, or indicate who should take what unindicated road*
Cid: Why do we keep letting this %&*#@$ing nuthouse lead us?!
Tifa: It helps his self-esteem, Cid.
Cid: Well, it's crippling our operation!
Barret: Da' man's got a point. Da' spikey headed boy is a weirdo.
Cloud: ...HELLO?! I'm standing right HERE!!!
Red XIII: I'll just go this way...
Cait Sith: Yeah, and I'll be over thissa way.
Tifa: I think I'll go in this direction.
Cid: Well, hell, I'm headin' over to the bar district. Later.
Barret: I'll take da' gun shop district, dey sell Materia dere sometimes!
Cloud: *looks around, as he's been left standing there all alone* Yeah!!
That's exactly what I said!! You people make me SICK!!!
Sephiroth: *suddenly appears in front of Cloud* Aw, I though only I had that
effect on you.
Cloud: No, you just cause me to fall into a deeply retarded state. Oh, wait... HUNGYUYE!!! HOOOWWEE!!! HAARGOOOHOOO!!! *falls flat on his face*
Sephiroth: Oh, just stand up a moment, would you?
Cloud: *hops to his feet* Okay.
Sephiroth: Do you still happen to have that HP<-->MP Materia equipped?
Cloud: Oh! I forgot to unequip it. Lemme just...--
Sephiroth: Thank you! *beats Cloud with a rubber hose several times, until he dies* Very good. Now, onward and upward! *poof*
Meanwhile, at The Junon Materia Shop....
Yuffie: So, like, I risked my life to get all this Materia. I want 50,000 gil, five of those special MASTER materia's, and five cases of Bazooka Joe bubble gum.
Shopkeeper: You're some kinda loon. Get the hell outta my shop!
Yuffie: OH MY GAWD!! You SO did not just tell me to get out!
Red XIII: Aha! There you are! Yuffie!
Yuffie: Nyeeeeehhhh!!!! I gotta go!!
Red XIII: NO!! *lunges at Yuffie, mouth wide open, teeth glistening in the
light*
Yuffie: NOOOOOOOOOOO--...!!!!
Back on the Junon Airport Path...
All but Red XIII, Vincent, and Yuffie are gathered around Cloud's dead body...
Cid: DAMMIT!! He kept that friggen HP<-->MP Materia equipped!! Damn
fool!!!
Barret: Well, we needs a phoenix down. Any of you foo's got one?
All: No. Not me. Nada.
Barret: Damn. Red XIII had all our Phoenix Downs. Where is da red sucka'?!
Red XIII: *hobbles into the area, his stomach unusually large* Here...*burp* I am...
Cid: What the HELL?! You been eatin' without us?! You better have
brought me some tea at least!
Red XIII: Not... really... *BURP* ...I accidentally ate... Yuffie...
Cait Sith: Ewwww... a dog a girl engaging in that kind of activity...
Red XIII: NO!! Not like that!! I mean I actually, literally ATE her! *Burp*
Barret: Damn! Was 'dat really necessary?!
Cid: Talk about some mad-ass indigestion.
Red XIII: Well, we have Yuffie and the Materia anyway...but it'll take a
few hours to get them both back, I'm afraid....
Cid: Oh for the love of... that's it, I'm headin' back to the Shinra
Building. We gotta find Hojo now while we wait for the dog to take a crap.
Red XIII: Please... leave me my dignity...
Barret: Yeah! Back to Midgar!! Oh yeah, Red XIII, give Cloud a phoenix
down before we go.
Cid: And someone take that goddamn HP<-->MP Materia away from him too!!
Back at the Shinra Building....
Rufus: Heidegger? Is my dungeon ready yet?
Heidegger: Sir... they're working on it now, but I must warn you, there are
gas lines down there and--
Rufus: Is that all you can do? Laugh like a jackass in heat and talk of gas lines? I want results!
Heidegger: Gya, sir...
Reno: *runs into the office* Sir! Our search for the Mako Bear has been unsuccessful so far!
Rufus: Blast. They must have him hidden somewhere. I want AVALANCHE arrested and brought here immediately!
Reno: Yes sir! *runs off down the stairs*
Rufus: Now, where were--
Suddenly all the Turks rush in followed by AVALANCHE, minus Vincent
Cloud: Da-da-da-daaaaa! AVALANCHE!
Cid: Oh man!! *gives a swift kick to Cloud's ass*
Reno: Uh... we got them!
Elena: What are you talking about, Reno? They were already on their way up--
Reno: SHHHH!!!! Ahem. We work fast, sir!
Rufus: Yes, very good work. Now, give me my Mako Bear you heartless
hooliganistic heathens!
Barret: Whut da' #%$&^ you talkin' 'bout, sucka'?!
Cid: Yeah! We ain't seen no damn Mako Bear! We just wanna know where
that nutjob, Hojo, is at!! Spill it, dimple cheeks!
Rufus: I don't have dimples. I find them ugly, anyway. My face is smooth and perfect. Now, back to the subject at hand...
Heidegger: GYA?!?!?!?!?!
Rufus: HOW DARE you interrupt ME with that--
Heidegger: SIR!! The workers have penetrated a gas line!!
Rufus: Well... tell them to shut off the main feed for the gas lines in Sector 0 and keep all flames out of the area.
Cid: You guys are nuttier than an elephant's turd. *tosses the butt of his cigarette out the balcony door*
Heidegger: GYA!!! YOU FOOL!!! WHEN THAT THING REACHES THE GROUND, WE'LL BE
BLOWN SKY HIGH!!!!
Cid: WHAT THE #%$&^?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!??!
Reno: I GOT IT COVERED!!! *takes off down the stairs*
Tseng: We may die any moment now. Elena, I need to tell you something.....
Part II
By: Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell