The Michelle Chronicles Part 4



The Chronicles of Michelle: PC Dodo extraordinaire

Part IV

Disclaimer: The facts written here in this story are all true, only the names of certain people have been changed to protect the innocent and the not-so-innocent. No line/quote/circumstance/incident has been exaggerated. Everything written here REALLY DID HAPPEN! Also, please do not e-mail me to ask for Michelle's real name or other queries (like "Is she cute?"). I wrote these to ease my mind and perhaps (maybe, hopefully) pass on a valuable lesson as to what players SHOULD NOT do. Also, if you feel the need to call me stinking, backstabbing, lowlife invertebrate for posting these then please do. My ego could use a little stomping.

(The morning after a session)

Solanna: "Hi Marc."

Me: "Hi. What's wrong? You sound down?"

Solanna: "My mother is screaming at me because of the 'mess' we made during our vampire game last night."

Me: "Really? But we cleaned up."

Solanna: "Yeah but remember when Michelle burned herself with the melted candle wax?"

Me: "Yeah."

Solanna: "Well she spilt some of it all over the table and my mother is giving me shit for it. Anyways, it's not just Michelle. I saw PC Toreador playing with the candle wax too once."

Me: "Okay, tell your mother that it will never happen again. I'll speak to the others."

(later during the week, I e-mail everyone)

Me: "Hello everyone. Okay, listen up. Solanna is getting a lot of flak from her mother over the mess that the candle wax makes. So from now on, NO ONE is to play with the candles. This includes me. The only person who should be touching the candles is Solanna."

(later that day, PC Toreador e-mailed me this response)

PC Toreador: "Oh man, I'm really sorry. I don't recall spilling any candle wax, but if it will make everything in Solanna's household peaceful, then I won't touch them. I know some methods of preventing candles from dripping so remind me to tell you guys of it the next time we play."

(Michelle's e-mail response was a little different)

Michelle: "Look. It's not my fault okay?! I didn't spill the candle wax on purpose! Honestly Marc, you should really re-read your e-mails before sending them out because you don't seem to realize the rudeness you convey in them! You treat us like we're children! I am not a child! What about the time YOU spilled some candies on the floor? You are not Mr. Perfect either you know! Sometimes I think that you would be much happier if I wasn't there! If you want me out of your games, why don't you just say it straight to my face!"

READER'S NOTE: Once again, I ended up having to apologize to Michelle for being the jerk that I am. Although her invitation to have me kick her out of the game was awfully tempting…

(a couple of sessions later)

Me: "You are standing before Etrius, the most powerful Tremere you are ever likely to meet. Do you wish to say something?"

Michelle: "Hee hee. Yeah. (giggle) I ask him how Tremere is doing."

Me: "Etrius smiles and says that Tremere is well and taken care of."

Michelle: "I would really like to meet him. Hee hee. I have a question I would like to ask him. (giggle, giggle)"

Me: "Etrius narrows his eyes and asks, 'Why don't you ask me? I am positive I can answer your question.'"

Michelle: "No, hee, hee. I can't ask you, hee hee I have to ask Tremere."

Me: "Etrius takes on a very serious tone. It is obvious that you are annoying him now. 'You will never be able to speak to Tremere directly. Only I can do that. Now you can either ask me your question or you will leave here never having asked it.'"

Michelle: "Hee hee hee. Well, I don't really want to talk TO Tremere, (giggle) I want to try and communicate with Saulot and apologize for the crime that our clan has committed on his clan."

Me: "…"

Michelle: "Hee, hee….What?"

Me: "I….ah….I'm not sure what Etrius would do here."

READER'S NOTE: What I really meant to say was. "I'm not sure what Etrius would do here without WAILING ON YOUR ASS AND MAKING YOU HIS PERMANENT BLOOD DOLL SLAVE!!!"

Michelle: "Hee, hee. You didn't think I was going to do that did you? (giggle)"

Me: "No. This is one for the forum site that's for sure."

READER'S NOTE: I pulled a fast one here. I mean, Michelle's comments were so moronic and dripping with OOC information that I changed the plot around so that Michelle's conversation with Etrius just ended up being one big long dream sequence. So it never happened. When Michelle's stubbornness kicked in and she made a point to actually go to the Vienna chantry to actually try and REALLY talk to Etrius, I said that there was a sign on the chantry door which read 'Gone Fishing'. Michelle laughs about this now-a-days. Believe it or not, for once she actually agreed she did a dumb thing, now if I can get her to realize she has done SEVERAL dumb things…

Several sessions later)

Me: "Your character gets hit with the enemy's weapon. You take 3 levels of damage."

Michelle: "What do I roll to soak?"

PC Gangrel: "STAMINA + FORTITUDE, DIFFICULTY 6! For God's sakes woman! Write it down! Do you realize how much time you waste by having to figure this out each and every time we play!?"

Michelle: (looking at her character sheet) "Where's Fortitude? Is that a primary or a secondary ability?"

Me: "Fortitude is a discipline Michelle."

Michelle: (glaring at PC Gangrel): "Well I don't have fortitude you idiot! So why should I write something down that I don't have?"

PC Gangrel: "Marc, can we just instigate a rule that if you don't know what to roll to soak damage you automatically TAKE ALL the damage?"

Me: "You know, I was just thinking the same thing."

READER'S NOTE: Now what follows here is a classical case of what I dub as "Michelle Logic". Allow me to set the scene…At the beginning of the session, Michelle's character drops by the Elysium and happens to bear witness to the tail end of a theft of one of the Prince's artifacts. The thieves, stole the artifact, but replaced it with a fake copy. Here is how my conversation with her went;)

Michelle: "But you said the artifact was stolen! I don't understand, how can the artifact be still here in the Elysium. I just saw some people stealing it."

Me: "That's correct."

Michelle: "Wait a minute! Before I came here, you said that my character saw some people sneaking away with the Prince's artifact."

Me: "Correct."

Michelle: "But now I am here in the Elysium, and you are saying that it looks like the artifact is back here and that it had never left."

Me: "Correct."

Michelle: "I'm confused."

Me: "Okay…ONE MORE TIME. On the way over to the Elysium, you see approximately 5 or 6 suspicious looking individuals carting away the Prince's most prized artifact. Then, when you entered the Elysium, you see what LOOKS LIKE the Prince's artifact still there.

Michelle: "Okay Marc. I think you screwed up somewhere. Where is the artifact?"

Me: "You are in the Elysium, right?"

Michelle: "Yes! I am in the Elysium standing next to where the artifact SHOULD BE! Now is it there or not!?"

Me: "(giggle) Yes it is there."

Michelle: "Okay! So I really DIDN'T see the artifact being carted away by some suspicious looking individuals."

Me: "Yes you did."

Michelle: "Aaaaaaaaaargh!" READER'S NOTE: This next conversation took place not during a game, but in my car as I am dropping everybody home. Remember that "Scrye" ritual I mentioned earlier that Michelle wanted to learn? Well Michelle's character finally completed the research. However, there is a problem as to Michelle's understandings of the actual limitations of this ritual.

Me: "No Michelle, you can't use the ritual to pinpoint exactly where someone is going to be."

Michelle: "But you SAID…"

READER'S NOTE: Please note that Michelle loves beginning most of her arguments by saying "But you SAID (insert Michelle argument here)

Michelle: "But you SAID, I can use the 'scrye' ritual to find out where someone is located."

Me: "I never said that Michelle. Scrying is looking through a crystal ball to discern a person's past or future."

Michelle: "Exactly, so if I can tell someone's future, I should be able to pinpoint where he is."

Me: "No Michelle. Think about it. If someone does a Tarrot card reading on you, will the reader be able to pinpoint exactly where you are going to be at midnight next Tuesday?"

Michelle: "Well there is chance…Besides, what do you know about fortune telling?"

Me: "Nothing…but in my game…I set the standards to what fortune telling can and cannot do and I am telling you as your ST is no chance."

Michelle: "Well I think that there is a chance so I am going to do it next game."

Me: "You realize of course that your character is intelligent enough to realize that she will fail right before she begins right?"

Michelle: "I don't care. That is what my character is going to do. Oh here's where I get off. Good night guys."

Everyone: "Good night."

PC Toreador: "You know Marc, I am reminded of something you told us way back when we first started."

Me: "What's that?"

PC Toreador: "That you wouldn't kill us unless we do something stupid."

Me: "Oh yeah. I remember."

PC Toreador: "Does that rule still apply?"

READER'S NOTE: During one summer, I sort of got a little tired of Storytelling, so I started a little side tandem story in which each of us would create a brand new PC but we would each take turns Storytelling

Michelle: "I have a great idea Marc, but there are some parts I am having trouble with."

Me: "Okay. My thinking cap is on. So shoot."

Michelle: "Well I can't ask you, I mean I don't want to give the WHOLE plot away. I want to be able to mess with your mind (giggle)."

Me: "Well in that case, why don't you go to White Wolf's forum site. I mean that's what I do."

Michelle: "Well…okay…but, I don't like going to the forum site."

Me: "Why not?"

Michelle: "Because you go there. I don't like going to forum sites or subscribing to mailing lists in which one or more people actually KNOW me."

Me: "Huh?"

Michelle: "Yeah, that way I can pass myself off as….you know…someone else (giggle)."

READER'S NOTE: And now you all know why I have no fear of her EVER coming on to this site.

Michelle: "So Marc, did you like my story?"

Me: "Uh…yeah. It was nice."

Michelle: "Good, because of all the players, I wanted to impress you the most."

Me: "Oh so that's why you made the story center around me?"

Michelle: "Yeah kinda…"

Me: "Well you shouldn't have done that, I mean, you risk alienating the other players. You have to treat everyone equally."

Michelle: "Oh come on! Like you treat my character in the same way you treat Solanna's character."

Me: "Urm…For your information, yes I do."

Michelle: "Ha! Right! The problem is Marc, you don't see it from where I am sitting."

READER'S NOTE: After that summer, at the behest of everyone, I returned to Storytelling. One of the scenes in my next chronicle segment involved Michelle having an IC argument with a rival NPC Tremere who has the same Sire as Michelle. Basically the two of them are like bickering sisters.

Me (playing the role of the Tremere antagonist): "I do not believe that you would have the audacity to keep your findings a secret from me! You and I are Tremere are we not!? Or is your reluctance to share with me stem from the fact that you are jealous that our Sire favors me over you!?"

Michelle: "No. It's because you are a slut and I don't trust you."

Me: "A slut am I? Well if I am a slut, you are a flighty, thick-headed, brown-nosing ugly duckling who will never EVER realize her full potential! You are a waste of our clan's blood!"

Michelle: "Oh yeah, well you're a…uh…Aw fuck this! I cast Lure of Flames on her!"

Me: "Are you sure you want to do that? I mean you are both in the Chantry."

Michelle: "Oh yeah right. Let me think then…"

(pause)

Michelle: "Alright. I look at her and I say, 'Well I don't care if our Sire has favors you over me. He has poor taste in women anyway.'"

Me (again taking the role of the Tremere antagonist): "Oh that's brilliant! Do you realize that you just insulted yourself as well? He did embrace you TOO you know!"

(longer pause)

Michelle: "Oh yeah, well you're a…ah…urm…"

(pause again)

PC Toreador: "Hey Marc, can we speed this up, it's getting late."

Me: "Yeah, I can see this conversation is going to take a while. Alright Michelle. We are going to do the Staredown roll. Okay?"

Michelle: "Okay."

(We roll our dice. Michelle wins.)

Me: "Very good. Michelle's character wins the argument. Michelle's rival, storms out of the chantry in disgust and Michelle's character smiles triumphantly at having bested her."

Michelle: "Wait!"

Me: "What?"

Michelle: "I just thought of something I want to say to the bitch."

Me: "Well that's nice, but you won this little confrontation."

Michelle: "But I want to get the last word in."

Me: "You did get the last word in. You won the Staredown roll."

Michelle: "Well can I say it now?"

Me: "If you do, you will be talking to no one, because the other Tremere left."

Michelle: "She did? Well then I chase after her!"

Everyone: (groan)

READER'S NOTE: Many of you have cried out for the death of Michelle, or have suggested (some have begged) that I kick her out of my game entirely. As much as I would love to oblige you all for the sake of my sanity and for the good of RPG community in general, I am left with a bit of a conundrum. If I kill Michelle, what would I write about?

Me: "What do you wish to do know Michelle?"

Michelle: "My character wishes to speak to the Ventrue Ichabod."

READER'S NOTE: Ichabod was a character created by a player about 2 years ago. Michelle by now has been playing for about 4 years. Despite the fact that the player who played Ichabod is long gone, I have kept the character in the game as an NPC. However, as you will all soon see, Michelle knows OOC that since Ichabod is a younger vampire, she takes this as a green light to use and abuse him. Basically introducing Ichabod into my game was like introducing a lame mouse into a room with a cat more than eager to play with it.

Me: "Ichabod? Michelle, do you remember the last session? You already spoke to Ichabod one hour ago."

Michelle: "I did? Oh well, I wish to speak to him again."

Me: "Michelle. Even though one whole week has passed in real time. In the game, only 1 hour has passed. Do you understand this? In Ichabod's eyes, he saw you only one hour ago and if you remember the tail end of your conversation with him, you pissed him off. Levitating people in the air like you did to him will do that to some people. So if you go see him again, he is quite likely still angry."

Michelle: "Hmph. What do I don't care? I want to see him again."

Me: "(sigh) Okay, your character goes to see him."

Michelle: "I walk up to him and say 'Hi Ichabod, how's it going?'"

Me: (playing the now annoyed Ichabod): "You again!? What do you want now?!"

Michelle: "Hee hee. I just wanted to find out what you know about the Anarchs."

Me: "You asked me that ONE HOUR ago!"

Michelle: "No I didn't."

Me: "Yes you did."

Michelle: "Okay then, could you repeat what you told me."

Me: "No! Now get out of my office before I kick you out!"

Michelle: "I dominate him."

Me: "You know Michelle, this really isn't necessary, if you don't remember what happened last session, you could have asked me and I would have given you a recap. Your character knows that Ichabod knows nothing of the Anarchs, but he said he would do some research. Plus why in earth's name are you dominating him? "

Michelle: "It's what my character would do."

Me: "(sigh) Ok, fine. Whatever. Roll your dominate attempt."

Michelle: (rolling) What's his willpower?"

Me: "Just roll."

Michelle: "But what is his willpower?"

Me: "JUST ROLL!"

Michelle: "Ok…I got a 10, a 2, a 4, a 7, another 10 and a 6."

Me: "Okay, what do you tell him."

Michelle: "I tell him….wait…urmmm…Okay, okay….I say 'What have you found out about the Anarchs ?'"

Me: "Ichabod responds 'I didn't find out anything yet! YOU ONLY ASKED ME AN HOUR AGO! Now would you please leave so that I could go about my work?'"

READER'S NOTE: This kind of thing went on for about 3 or 4 sessions before I decided to have Ichabod killed. Now I know that a good ST should allow the players to amuse themselves, even if what they are doing has absolutely nothing to do with the current plotline, but I and some of the other players were getting seriously annoyed. Even after I killed off Ichabod Michelle would still say 'I want to go see Ichabod'. When we politely reminded her that Ichabod was dead, Michelle would answer 'Really? Damn! I liked him.'

Me: "Okay Michelle, what do you do?"

Michelle: "I cast Movement of the Mind and fly to Vienna."

Me: "Uh…okay…but may I ask why?"

Michelle player: "I don't want the other PCs to find me."

Me: "Okay, so you are just going straight to Vienna, without checking in with your retainers, your sire or the other members of your coterie, you are going STRAIGHT to Vienna."

Michelle: "Yes that is correct."

Me: "Okay, if that is what your character does, then so be it. (I turn to the rest of the group) Okay everybody, your friend the Tremere doesn't show up at your pre-arranged meeting. What do you guys do?"

Everybody: "Well, we want to make sure she is alright, we call up her Sire, go to the chantry, her haven and then ask her retainers if they have seen her."

READER'S NOTE: We role-play this out for approximately a half an hour. All the while with Michelle giggling over the fact that she so "cleverly" sneaked away.

Me: "All efforts to find out what happens to her fails. It's like she left without a trace."

Everybody: "Damn. Where could she be?"

Michelle: "Okay (back to the Michelle). You arrive in Vienna without incident..."

Michelle: "Wait, before I leave for Vienna, I want to check in with my Sire, pick up something from the chantry and then leave a message with my retainers."

Me: "But you said that you were going STRAIGHT to Vienna, without checking in with anybody first!"

Michelle: "Well I forgot to mention it. Besides Marc, my character is intelligent enough to think of these things beforehand"

Me: "We just role-played a half an hour for nothing! I'm not going to rewind a bunch of scenes because you forgot something."

Michelle: "Fine! In that case, I don't go to Vienna then!"

READER'S NOTE: Yes even the most astute of STs can crack under the strain of a player's stupidities.

Me: "I can't take this anymore! She's driving me absolutely crazy!"

Solanna: "Marc, please don't shout. Try to remain calm."

Me: "I AM CALM!"

Solanna: "Maaaarc…."

Me: "Hmmph!"

Solanna: "You know what you're problem is? You take this too personally. If I were you, I would just forget about her. Concentrate on those players who actually role-play instead of those who act stupid. Oh! You know what you should REALLY do? Introduce a love interest to her in the game."

Me: "I can't do that."

Solanna: "Why not?"

Me: "Because that would entail throwing in mature subject matter. Ever notice how she giggles like a child whenever we mention the word 'SEX' in the game?"

Solanna: : "Trust me on this Marc. If you introduce a love interest, it will keep her occupied for months."

(several sessions later, alone with Solanna again)

Me: "It's not working. I don't understand why she's not taking the bait."

Solanna: "I just spoke to her. She's saving her character for one of your NPCs"

Me: "Say what?"

Solanna: "Yeah, she's saving herself for François Villon."

READER'S NOTE: This is another example of abusing OOC info. François Villon was an NPC in my games that disappeared approximately50 years before the Revolution (this isn't what really happens but in my games I have made him a really mysterious figure). Those of you who are not familiar with the WW canon, he is the undisputed Toreador Prince of Paris. Michelle probably figures that I am going to try and follow the WW canon and bring Villon back. However, her character has absolutely no reason to believe that Villon is still alive or that he is ever coming back. Moreover, I am wondering why Michelle is specific about her character falling in love with Villon. So I do a little digging…

Solanna: "She's on-line."

Me: "At this hour? Doesn't she have to go to work tomorrow?"

Solanna: "Well this explains why she gets really tired and cranky when our games go late."

Me: "So what the hell is she doing?"

Solanna: "Want me to ask?"

Me: "Ok."

Solanna (typing): "Hello Michelle."

Michelle: (types back): "Hi"

Solanna: (typing): "What's up?"

Michelle (typing): "Nothing. I'm just playing on-line."

Solanna (typing): "I see. Well don't be on too long now. Marc says he's got a lot prepared for the game tomorrow."

Michelle (typing): "Is Marc with you?"

Me: "Tell her 'No'."

Solanna (typing): "No, he's not. He's in bed like a good boy."

Michelle (typing): "Well if Marc prepared a lot, that's his tough. If I'm tired tomorrow, he's just going to have to deal with it."

Me: "Oh that's it! THAT IS IT! You're dead Michelle! (Yelling at the computer) You hear me!? You're dead, dead, DEAD!"

Solanna: "Marc calm down, you're going to wake my parents."

READER'S NOTE: Many of you might remember my tirade on Michelle's cyber-sex activities. Michelle was now entering a phase in which her on-line smut games were proving to be of much more interest to her than my games. I was mad for a little while, but not because Michelle was losing interest, but because when my games went late, Michelle was the only one who would flake out and say that she had to go home because she was too tired. I tried to approach the situation calmly.

(later during the week)

Me: "Michelle, remember in the last session, when you rolled your Thaumaturgical path?"

Michelle: "Yeah."

Me: "Well I noticed you rolled her full Willpower rating but previously you had spent two willpower points to gain automatic successes in some previous action. Can you explain this?"

Michelle: "I dunno. I guess I must have forgotten to mark off the willpower that I spent."

Me: "You forgot to mark them off? You realize you've put me in a bad situation here. I mean, am I supposed to check everything you do now? How am I supposed to run a game if players 'forget' to mark off their willpower or blood points when you spend them?"

Michelle: "Well I'm sorry. I was very tired and I forgot."

Me: "Well in the future, if you are so tired, maybe you shouldn't come to the game."

Michelle: "What are you saying? Are you kicking me out?"

Me: "No, it's just that I've noticed you've been making more and more mistakes lately and you seem to have a hard time remembering things that happen from session to session."

Michelle: "Oh! So now I'm stupid!?"

Me: "Michelle, I'm not saying you are stupid. I'm not trying to demean you. I'm trying to help. You told me once that you hated being treated like a child. Well if I have to watch everything you do or re-explain things to you over and over or double check your blood and willpower pools because you're too tired…"

Michelle: "LOOK! I just made one simple mistake! OK!? I know I am not the greatest role-player on earth, but you're acting like it's the end of the world! If you want me out, why don't you just say so!?"

Me: "Michelle…"

Michelle: "And what about you!? Hmmm? You are not Mr. Perfect either you know! Like that time with the Prince's artifact? You fucked up then remember?!"

Me: "Actually, no I didn't. You misunderstood that situation completely."

Michelle: "There! Now you are saying that I'm stupid again!"

(later)

Solanna: (over the phone): "Hi Marc. Is the game on tonight?"

Me: "Yes it is, but Michelle won't be joining us."

Solanna: " What? Michelle never misses a session!"

Me: "Well, we got into an argument and she quit."

Solanna: "What happened?"

Me: "I tried to tell her that I couldn't tolerate her mistakes anymore and that if her mistakes are due to sleep deprivation, then it would be best for all concerned that she just stay home."

Solanna: "Marc, Michelle loves the game, but she is also stubborn as hell. She probably realizes that it's her fault but she doesn't want to hear about it from anybody. I don't know how this conversation went, but if you really want to solve this problem, just tell her that you're sorry."

Me: "What!? I'm getting a little fed-up of her fucking up and then me end up having to apologize to her!"

Solanna: "She's stubborn Marc. If you want her to be a better role-player and to enjoy your games, you can only allow her to do so on her own terms. Just say your sorry, even if you are not sincere, then back off, and let her come to you."

Me: "Of all the fucking.…"

Solanna: "Maaaaaarc…"

Me: "Oh all right!

(dial up Michelle)

Me: "Uh…Hi Michelle."

Michelle: "Yeah."

Me: "Urm…listen, I was acting like a jerk before, and I'm really sorry. I would like for you to continue playing with us."

(pause)

Me: "Michelle?"

(pause)

Me: "Michelle? Are you there?"

Michelle: "Yes I'm here, and I will accept your apology, but how do I know you are being sincere?"

Me: "I….Uh…I am being sincere."

Michelle: "Are you sure? I ain't stupid you know. How do I know Solanna didn't put you up to this?"

Me: "Well…if you really want to know, I did speak to Solanna, but I wouldn't bother calling you up if my apology wasn't sincere."

READER'S NOTE: Yes I am lying here.

Michelle: "Okay, it's just that I don't like it when people call me stupid…"

Me: "I NEVER SAID YOU WERE….Uh….okay, I'm sorry I said that you were stupid."

Michelle: "That's better."

Me: "Great. So…uh…are you coming tonight?"

Michelle: "Oh I dunno. I'll think about it…"

That's it for now...I gotta run...Big Brother is watching.

--The Draconian Garden Gnome