The Michelle Chronicles Part 5



The Chronicles of Michelle: PC Dodo Extraordinaire

DISCLAIMER: The facts written here in this story are all true, only the names of certain people have been changed to protect the innocent and the not-so-innocent. No line/quote/circumstance/incident has been exaggerated. Everything written here REALLY DID HAPPEN! Also, please don't email me asking for details on Michelle's physical appearance (IE ''is she cute?'') or where and when she plays. Don't read too much into these either, they were meant to help me get off some steam and perhaps warn players out there of what NOT to do.

READER'S NOTE: About several months ago, a new player joins our group. Like myself, he's a veteran role-player. Between the two of us, we have more than two decades of RPG experience.

Me: "So what character would you like to play?"

New player: "Oh I have a good time with no matter what character I play, but I have an interesting idea that I want to shoot your way."

Me: "Okay. Let's hear it."

New Player: "How about I start my character as a mortal who somehow gets entangled with the PCs? I fall in love with one of them and she in turn embraces me. Basically my character is a play thing of one of your female PCs."

Me: "Hmmm, that's a cool idea, but which PC do you want to fall in love with?"

New Player: "I'm not sure. That's why I am asking you."

Me: "Well you have a choice between Michelle and Solanna. I strongly recommend that you talk to them both first. However, I want to offer you a word of caution about Michelle. She has a tendency to confuse a character's feelings towards her character as the player's own real life feelings towards her. I'm not saying 'don't do it', but if I were you, I would specify that you are doing this all IN-CHARACTER so that Michelle doesn't make any of her 'brilliant' deductions."

New Player: "Gotcha."

(later, after New player and Michelle have engaged in an e-mail reparte)

New Player: "My God! Marc, just out of curiosity, what is Michelle's character's intelligence?"

Me: "Three. Why?"

New Player: "Well I just finished having an e-mail correspondence with her. I swear to god! If I have to see another bastardization of the English language in a vain attempt to sound cute, I am liable to shoot somebody!"

Me: "Heh heh. You noticed her stupidities too eh?"

New Player: "Marc, you should see these e-mails. 'Hewwo' instead of 'Hello', 'sowwy' instead of 'sorry'…. What is she? Tweety-Bird?"

Me: "I warned you about trying to communicate with her."

New Player: "Please tell me she does not role-play like this."

Me: "I'm afraid so. Actually her moods are very erratic. If Michelle is pissed, the character is pissed. If Michelle feels like being cute, the character is cute, ad infinitum…"

New Player: "Marc, if it's okay with you, I think I would much rather have my character pursue a relationship with Solanna."

Me: "A most wise decision. Michelle has a hard on for François Villon anyway."

New Player: "Why François Villon?"

Me: "I don't know, in my games he hasn't been seen in over 50 years…I'm still trying to figure that one out."

READER'S NOTE: I had in the game…a renegade Tremere diablerist named Maria. After several years (and numerous complaints that I was treating this NPC as a pet character of mine) I had the players confront Maria for the final show-down. The only people left standing are Michelle and Solanna. Maria lies in torpor at their feet.

Solanna: "Now what do we do?"

Michelle: "Pick her up. I want to bring her before the Tremere council for judgement."

Solanna: "I can't, every time I physically touch her it causes me aggravated damage. She has a ward on her or something."

Michelle: "Dawn is approaching soon! What should we do?"

Solanna: "You're the Tremere. You think of something."

Michelle: "Uh…Hmmm…urm…duh."

Me: "You see the horizon of the eastern sky as the dawning day starts to chase away the comforting night sky."

Solanna: "Well?!"

Michelle: "Stop rushing me!"

Solanna: "The dawn is coming Michelle. Make a decision. Do we leave her here, try to bring her with us or kill her once and for all? I say we kill her."

Michelle: "NO! I have to bring her back to the Tremere council! Are you sure you can't touch her?"

Solanna: "Do you not see the burn marks on my hands? I CAN'T TOUCH HER."

Michelle: "Well I don't know what to do then."

Solanna: "Aw screw this, I'm out of here! I can't do anything about Maria and the dawn is coming. Hopefully the sun will fry her."

(Michelle's character stands over her antagonist all alone)

Me: "What do you do Michelle?"

Michelle: "I don't know."

Me: (start humming the Jeopardy theme)

Michelle: "Okay, if Solanna took aggravated damage, will my character also take aggravated damage from touching her?"

Me: (I shrug my shoulders and continue humming)

Michelle: "Aw come on Marc! My character should know what ritual this is!"

Me: "Probably, but that would mean you would have to search her body, do you wish to do so?"

Michelle: "Am I going to take aggravated damage?"

Me: (Start humming the Jeopardy theme again and relish every moment of Michelle's anguish)

READER'S NOTE: Michelle finally left, leaving Maria there. The next night, Maria was gone. To this day however, Michelle claims that she really wanted to destroy Maria and it was Solanna's fault that Maria is still alive.

Michelle: "Marc, I have a favor to ask."

Me: "Hmmm?"

Michelle: "Would you have room for one more player?"

Me: "Depends. Who is the player?"

Michelle: "My boyfriend."

Me: "You have a boyfriend?"

Michelle: "Yeah, I met him over the net in an on-line game and he's coming up next week."

Me: "What's he like?"

Michelle: "Oh he's a really good role-player. He says he knows how to do twenty-three points of aggravated damage legally."

Me: "That's very nice, but that tells me shit-all about his role-playing. What types of characters does he like to play?"

Michelle: "He likes to play Abominations."

(pause)

Me: "How did you meet this guy again?"

Michelle: "In an on-line game."

Me: "Have you met him in person?"

Michelle: "Oh we've talked on the phone a couple of times and I talk to him virtually every night via ICQ"

Me: "Let me get this straight. You met some guy over the internet, but you've never met him in person."

Michelle: "Yes."

Me: "And you are calling him your boyfriend?"

Michelle: "Yes."

Me: "And he's coming up here to meet you in person for the first time?"

Michelle: "Yes. Oh don't worry. I know what you are thinking, but he's really rather nice."

Me (stunned): "Just out of curiosity. I know it's none of my business, but where is this guy going to stay while he's here?"

Michelle: "My place. Why do you ask?"

(later, alone with Solanna)

Solanna: "Shouldn't we do something?"

Me: "Like what!? You know I was thinking of punishing her character for all the stupid things that she's done, but this takes the fucking cake. Why punish Michelle's character when Michelle is taking a greater risk with her real life? That's like me handing down a sentence for a minor offence on a person who is already strapping herself to an electric chair!"

Solanna: "I've never met a girl who was so stupid and desperate."

Me: "Tell me about it."

Solanna: "Yeah, she even chased you."

Me: "I know….Hey! What's that supposed to mean!?"

Solanna: "(giggle) I'm teasing. No but seriously. Michelle is putting herself in a very dangerous position. I mean what if this guy turns out to be an axe murderer or something?"

Me: "In all likelihood, he will probably come up here, spend one hour with Michelle and then run screaming back to whatever hole he came from."

Solanna: "You know, we are speculating too much, and it's really none of our business."

Me: "On the contrary, it IS our business. Michelle is our friend. Despite her shortcomings, I would not sleep well at night if I find out in the news that Michelle was found raped and murdered in her apartment."

Solanna: "Then what do we do?"

Me: "The only thing we can do….This guy is coming up the same day our game is scheduled. I'll let this guy join the game for that one night. We can see what he's like. If he's cool, we'll leave it alone. If not, we'll pull Michelle aside and beat some sense into her."

Solanna: "Marc, you honestly can't judge someone by meeting them once."

Me: "You're absolutely right, that's why I need you to put your trusty female intuition into high gear. One person cannot judge another, but two or more people can draw a suitable conclusion."

Solanna: "This is crazy! Why don't we just tell her our concerns?"

Me: "Because we know full well how she is going to answer."

Solanna: "Oh yeah right. (mimicking Michelle). I'm smart, I'm beautiful and I have a sixth sense about these things, Tee hee hee."

READER'S NOTE: I later approached Michelle and told her that I would let her "boyfriend" into the game provided he abides by my rules and the character guidelines I have set down. Michelle never got back to me on this.

(later, alone with Solanna again)

Me: "I figured it out!"

Solanna: "You figured what out?"

Me: "I figured out why Michelle only wants to be romantically involved with François Villon!"

Solanna: "Okay genius. What's the reason?"

Me: "Michelle plays in a bunch of on-line games right?"

Solanna: "Yeah so?"

Me: "Of all the NPCs in my chronicle, who is the only NPC that is a recognizable figure in the WoD?"

Solanna: "Huh?"

Me: "Okay, I'll ask it another way. Who is the only NPC in MY GAME that is familiar to any V:tM player?"

Solanna: "Villon?"

Me: "Yes! Don't you get it?"

Solanna: "Oh I see now…She goes on-line, talks to all these gamer geeks and boasts about how her character in our games is the love interest of François Villon."

Me: "Bingo."

Solanna: "Oh boy! You could really make her life a living hell with this knowledge."

Me: "I know, I know. I'm surprised it took me this long to figure it out."

Solanna: "So what are you going to do?"

Me: "I'm working on it…"

READER'S NOTE: By now Michelle's lack of attention was at an all time high. The game was getting seriously drawn out and delayed by having to remind Michelle of what happened in previous sessions, or even of what happened in the last few scenes. Clearly she was so smitten by her boyfriend (which we affectionately refer to as 'Michelle's Net-Puppy') that she had lost all of her focus (of what little she had in the first place). Michelle was still enjoying herself, but the others begged me to do something. Since I could not talk to Michelle about the problem directly without upsetting her, I announced that from this point on, everyone, including myself, should start taking detailed notes of our sessions.

Me: "Okay guys, we're about to start. You are all together at Michelle's house….

Michelle: "Um…excuse me."

Me: "Yes?"

Michelle: "I just want to point out that according to my notes, at the end of the last session, my ghoul was also in here with us as well as my Sire."

Me: "Thank you, I was getting to that. Anyway. The time is approximately 1:00 am."

Michelle: "Excuse me."

Me: "Yes?"

Michelle: "Last time we left the game you said it was midnight. I have it here in my notes."

Me: "(biting my lower lip) Okay, thanks Michelle, but I am trying to establish mood here…."

Michelle: "Well I just wanted to point that out."

Me: "Okay! Fine! Whatever! It's midnight. You happy now?"

Michelle: "And we are all sitting in the living room, where my servants have given everyone a cup of blood."

Me: "Michelle, do you want to storytell?"

Michelle: "Well I just wanted to point that out."

READER'S NOTE: I want to personally take this moment and thank Solanna for reaching under the table and grabbing my leg and keeping me calm. I probably would have strangled Michelle right then and there. If it's one thing I cannot stand is people acting like a smart-ass when I am trying to ST. By now I had developed a nervous twitch whenever the subject of Michelle came up. I went onto the forum site and asked for some advice. After wading through a multitude of "kill the bitch" posts, I came upon an idea which struck me as pure genius. If I was to make Michelle pay for all the misery she has caused me, I might as well amuse myself and the other players while doing it.

(end of the next session)

Me: "So? What do you guys think?"

(stunned silence)

Solanna: "Have you lost your mind!?"

Me: "What?"

Solanna: "I can't believe you've made Michelle Prince!"

Michelle: "Hee hee…"

New Player: "Yeah man, I mean seriously. Just what the hell are you thinking?"

Me: "Trust me, (imitating Mr. Burns from the Simpsons) it's all falling into place."

Solanna: "Marc, you are seriously losing it."

Michelle: "I don't see what the problem is. I'm smart, I'm beautiful and I am sneaky, I'll make the perfect Prince! Hee hee."

New Player: "Marc, I am moving to San Francisco next week, but after tonight's session, I really REALLY don't want to go. I have to find out what happens."

Solanna: "Let me summarize it for you. Michelle will piss me off, I will frenzy and tear her into bits and pieces!"

PC Toreador: "And I'll be the cheerleading section."

Michelle: "Um…hullo? I'm still here."

(several sessions later)

Michelle: "…and because I am Prince bla bla bla, because I am Prince bla bla bla bla bla bla bla because I am Prince.bla bla bla.

Solanna: "Can I make a self-control roll? I think my character would make a self control roll. In fact, I think my character would BOTCH the self control roll…"

Michelle: "Blah bla bla bla bla…"

PC Toreador: "You have to distract her. Here watch….Hey Michelle?"

Michelle: "Bla bla bla….huh? What?"

PC Toreador: "I bet you can't stick this cherry stem in your mouth and tie it in a knot."

Michelle: "Oh yeah. (grabs cherry stem) Hmph….grmph….Hmmm."

PC Toreador: "There. Problem solved."

Michelle: "Ptouie! Ha, did it! Now where was I? Oh yeah, bla bla bla bla…."

(later alone with Solanna)

Solanna: "Okay, could you please tell me WHY you let Michelle become Prince?"

Me: "No."

Solanna: "Why!? I just don't understand! She can't play the role of Prince properly."

Me: "Exactly. This story is going to write itself."

Solanna: "Okay, now I seriously think you're warped!"

Me: "Think about it. I've just put a Ming vase in the hands of a five year old. Sooner or later she is going to fuck up and drop it and when she does, it's going to hurt her big time!"

Solanna: "But what if she doesn't screw up?

Me: "Oh trust me, she WILL screw up. Michelle is too occupied with her cyber-sex activities to pay any real attention to what is happening in my games. When her character bites the dust, she will realize that she will have no one to blame but herself. Poetic justice. A character that has been played religiously for 4 years, dies because of something stupid that she did. When you are in a position of power and all eyes are upon you, there is very little room for screw ups."

Solanna: "Speaking of cyber-sex, 'Michelle's net-puppy' is coming here soon."

Me: "Have you found out anything new about him?"

Solanna: "The more I hear about this guy the more pissed off I get... Get this…Apparently, this guy is telling Michelle that given the character creation rules that you are using, he is going to make a character that will whip our asses."

Me: "Oh yeah right. I've been storytelling this chronicle for 7 years now. Does he honestly think I'm going to let a complete stranger come in and fuck it up?"

Solanna: "Why not, you've let Michelle become Prince."

(Later, alone with Michelle)

Me: "So is this guy interested in playing in my game?"

Michelle: "Yes."

Me: "Okay Michelle. I have two favors to ask of you."

Michelle: "What are they?"

Me: "Number one, you are going to have to explain to your urm…boyfriend that my games are not combat oriented. If he's coming into the game looking for some hack 'n slash, he's going to be disappointed, and I will not be shy of kicking him out if he starts turning my game into a twink fest."

Michelle: "Oh he won't do that. Like I told you, he's a really good role-player. Now what's the second favor?"

Me: "The same applies to you. You are not to act as a twink either…"

Michelle: "What do you mean by that? I never act like a twink!…Unless my sugar count is high, but that's not my fault!"

Me: "Michelle, listen to me. Whenever there is a player in the game that you like, you…urm…seem to have a tendency to show off."

Michelle: "I do not!"

Me: "Yes you do Michelle. Remember Steve?"

Michelle: "What about him?"

Me: "His character frenzied and attacked you. One whole hour was wasted just because you wanted to be cute and touch him with a ward."

Michelle: "Hee hee, well I was only teasing him…"

Me: "Well then, unless I have assurances from you that you will not 'tease' his character in ANY way, I can't let him play."

Michelle: "Oh all right. I'll tell him."

READER'S NOTE: Michelle's net-puppy came up, and Michelle, for the first time in 4 years, announced that she couldn't make it to the next session on account that she was "entertaining someone". We told Michelle to call us to let us know how it went or if she needed any help. She never did. All our inquiries as to how it went were replied with "Fine." or "I can't talk about that right now." I only found out what happened much much later. As far as I can tell…nothing happened…Now whether this is true love or not is anybody's guess.

(At the beginning of the next session)

Me: "Ok guys, between this game and the last game four days have passed. I want you all to take a sheet of paper and list down all the things your character is going to try and do within those four days, but list them in the order of their importance because you may or may not have time to do everything on the list."

(Everyone nods, takes out a sheet of paper and begins listing a bunch of things. Then when I pulled them aside, I would look at their list. Michelle hands me her list and this is how our conversation went;)

Me: "Ok, your character does A, B and C, but you don't have time to do item D."

Michelle player: "Wait! I wanted to do item D on the list."

Me: "Well you don't have time. You only had four days."

Michelle player: "But you said to list everything we wanted to do in those four days, and it was important for me to do item D!"

Me: "Well then you should have listed item D as item A because I SAID 'list them in the order of their importance'!."

Michelle player: "That's not what you said!"

Me: "Yes it is."

Michelle player: "No it's not!"

Me: (stomping off to get back up from the others): "Guys! Could you all tell Michelle what my instructions were when making the list."

Everyone else: "You said list down our characters activities in the order of their importance."

Michelle player: "Okay, I'll redo my list then, but that's not what you said."

READER'S NOTE: PC Toreador was late for a game once. So for fun, we decided to look at all the archetypes from all the supplements and try to choose which was actually our nature and which was our demeanor in RL. The catch is, is that we are not allowed to label ourselves, we have to label someone else.

Solanna: "Okay Marc, I figured you out. Your Nature is Martyr and your Demeanor is Visionary."

READER'S NOTE: Okay, okay I'm lying here. Solanna labeled me as something else but I forgot what it was….WELL YOU TRY LABELLING YOURSELF AND BE UNBIASSED!

Me: "Heh heh. Okay. That's cool.

Michelle: "Do me! Do me!"

Solanna: "Uh…Well I did Marc already. So Marc, why don't you do Michelle?"

Michelle: "Yeah Marc. Do me!"

Me: "Urm…ah…okay…"

(Pause)

Michelle: "So? What do you think I am?"

Me: "Ah…well…you see….urm…."

PC Toreador: "Hi guys. Sorry I'm late."

Michelle: "That's okay, we are choosing what each others nature and demeanor are, and Marc seems to be having a hard time deciding what I am."

Me: "Uh…yeah."

Michelle: "Hee hee hee. I knew it! No one can peg me down, because I am really smart and sneaky."

Me: "(smiling) Yeah. That must be the reason why I can't peg you down."

Michelle: "Hee hee hee. I have to go to the bathroom for a sec. When I come back we can play)

(Michelle leaves)

Solanna: "(whispering) Well?"

Me: "(whispering) Nature: Child, Demeanor: Enigma."

Solanna: "I was thinking the same thing."

READER'S NOTE: By now, Michelle has been playing for four years. In the game, it is now Paris 1789, that is the year of the French Revolution. However, it is still early April, so the Revolution hasn't started yet. Michelle however, insisted upon seeing a man named Robespierre. For some reason Michelle has targeted him to be one of her minions. Those of you not familiar with French history, Robespierre is a key figure France's history. The following excerpt is a typical example of Michelle's flagrant abuse of OOC information, her stubbornness and her relative IQ. Michelle tried clearing up the air a few months later stating that she targeted Robespierre because she claimed that he was the only lawyer that her character knew of. To keep in step with history, I made Robespierre, a daunting and unimpressive man who possesses a high wit and a high will. I also gave him the Merit Blasé. This is how the scene went;

Me: "At the top of the landing you see a door with what appears to be some flickering candle light coming from within."

Michelle: "I go up to the door and open it."

Solanna: "Michelle. Shouldn't you knock first?"

Me: "Shhht! She's on her own! Don't help her…Michelle, your character opens the door and you see a dark clothed man seated at a desk feverishly writing away. Clearly this man is Robespierre. There are piles of books everywhere. Most of them seem to pertaining to law. Robespierre looks up and sees you. He stands up and says. 'Hello? How did you get in here'?"

Michelle: "Your servant let me in."

Me: "'I see' Robespierre says while eyeing you with suspicion. 'What can I do for you Miss….?'"

Michelle: "My name is…uh…Dorothy hee hee hee. And the question is (trying to feign seductiveness). what can I…do…for…you? Hee hee hee"

Me: (acting like the unimpressed Robespierre): "Madame. You must think me very strange if you think I am accustomed to having female callers this late in the evening. Now please take your whoring elsewhere."

Michelle: "I use Entrancement!"

Me: "(giggling) Go right ahead. Roll your Appearance + Empathy."

(Michelle rolls. The other players are smiling now. I can see in their faces that they already know where this is heading)

Michelle: "10, 10, 8, 5, 6, 2, 6. Ha!"

Me: "Robespierre doesn't seem impressed. He doesn't even so much as crack a smile. He just goes back to his desk and sits back down on his chair. He places his spectacles back on the bridge of his nose. He then turns to you and says, 'Didn't you hear me? I asked you to leave.'"

Michelle: "(clearly confused) But I got two 10s!"

(I just shrug my shoulders. The other players are starting to giggle.)

Michelle: "Aura Perception! I want to find out what he is."

Me: "Okay. Roll 'em."

Michelle: "Ha! Two successes."

Me: "He's mortal. However, Robespierre, looks at you and says 'Why are you staring at me!? Look, I am not accustomed to man-handling prostitutes, but if you do not leave my premises immediately, I shall have you thrown out!'"

Michelle: "uh…hrm…I dominate him!"

Me: "What do you say?"

Michelle: "Uh…urm…I tell him, to listen to me!"

Me: "Okay. Robespierre is looking at you attentively."

Michelle: "Okay…I say this…'Ahem. Actually Mr. Robespierre, I was hoping that you would teach me about French law and politics.'"

Me: (acting like Robespierre dripping with sarcasm). "'Hmph…A prostitute with a pension for learning law? How delightful. Here' …Robespierre hands you a book….'take this book and read it. Now go away'!"

(The other players are laughing now. Michelle is getting more frustrated.)

Michelle: "Actually Mr. Robespierre…I was hoping to…uh…to work for you."

Me: "I have no need for a full time prostitute under my employ…"

Michelle: "No! I mean…I want to be your servant girl."

Me: "I see. My, my…Aren't you the jack of all trades. Do you have any references?"

Michelle: "Ah…urm…well…."

Me: "Madame, you are trying my patience! Can you name me one person who you worked for in the capacity as a servant?"

Michelle: "Well, uh…you see…"

Me: "(sigh) Never mind. Can you at least cook?"

Michelle (checks her character sheet to make sure she has the appropriate skill). I have two dots! I mean…yes, I can cook."

Me: "Can you clean?"

Michelle: "Yes."

Me: "Very well. Report to my servant at 9:00 tomorrow morning, and use the side entrance…"

Michelle: "Uh…well…sir? You see…I have a slight problem with that…"

(By now the other players are in stitches. Robespierre, having had enough, summons his servants who throw Michelle out of his house.)

Michelle: "Fuck! I go back in!"

Me: "The door is locked."

Michelle: "I pick the lock!"

Solanna: "Oh Michelle. Give it up! Can't you see you're not going to get anywhere?"

Michelle: "I lure of flame his house!"

Me: "Yeah right."

Michelle: "I don't care! I'm doing it!"

Me: "Alright Michelle. I'll let you do it. Provided you can give me one good reason why you are so adamant on making Robespierre your minion in the first place."

Michelle: "Uh….because…uh…I want to ghoul him and I don't want anybody else to have him."

Me: "Oh that's believable. (turn to the others) If any of you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you."

READER'S NOTE: Michelle ended up sulking for the rest of the night. It seems that she doesn't take to kindly to being accused of using OOC information. Or should I say…Michelle doesn't take to kindly to using OOC information and getting caught.

That's all for now...thanks for reading...more to come!

--The Draconian Garden Gnome