presented by Denise of the VG's
note: not all VG's openly endorse the death of tess- they simply would like to keep the conventional couples together. others, such as I, would like to see complete and total annihilation of the gerbil.
Death #1
it's a regular roswellian day. everyone is getting ready for school.
and as per usual tess is wearing some skin-tight spandex. all over.
she goes to school and during first period, she starts feeling
light-headed. as the day wears on, more and more oxygen is cut off
from her brain due to the fact that the hoe gear is WAY too tight and
she's an idiot and doesn't realize it. in bio, she falls face down
into her partially dissected frog. no one cries, no one cares and all
is right in roswell....
Death #2
The Roswell crew does a Secret Santa. Maria gets to be Tess's secret santa. Maria gets Tess a framed photo of Max and Liz in each other's arms. Tess gets so upset she generates another fire fart and sets her uberblonde locks on fire. Isabel offers to help her hold her head in a bucket. For half an hour.
Death #3
tess is desperate. she thinks that she is losing max, cause she is, of course. so, she decides to recreate the conditions of the first time max kissed her. she wrecks her car and begins to wait in the rain under the shoe service sign, he head covering the "s" so it says hoe service. as we all know, she barely wears clothes so she is dressed in barely anything. as we also know, she has no brain cells. so, it is december in the winter and as the temperature plunges, she continues to wait. she freezes to death. in the morning, the newspaper prints "service hoe found stiffed"
Death #4
tess is desperate. she thinks that she is losing max, cause she is, of course. so, she decides to recreate the conditions of the first time max kissed her. she wrecks her car and begins to wait in the rain under the shoe service sign, he head covering the "s" so it says hoe service. as we all know, she barely wears clothes so she is dressed in barely anything. as we also know, she has no brain cells. so, it is december in the winter and as the temperature plunges, she continues to wait. she freezes to death. in the morning, the newspaper prints "service hoe found stiffed"
Death #5
tess is wandering around the valenti household feeling all depressed that
max does not love her. she decides that chocolate will make her feel
better. she wanders to the kitchen to forage for some. her favorite way to
eat the delectable treat is to throw it up and catch it in her mouth. she
has devoured the whole box and throws the last one up into the air. it
lands upon the ceiling fan. determined to eat the last one, she pulls up a
chair to the fan. as she is reaching across the fan to get the piece of
chocolate, the chair falls out from under her. luckily (she thinks) her
shirt gets caught on the fan. fortunatelyy (for us) the shirt begins to
pull tighter and tighter around her neck, blocking her air way. she slowly
is chocked to death. when valenti returns home, he is so engrossed with
reading an article about the buffalo bills in sports illustrated, that he
does not notice that she is up there, and turns on the fan to get some air
circulating in the house. she spins there for hours. the end.
Death #6
tess thinks that she will be "cute" and play a little joke on the valentis.
she takes the new chair that they have bought her and places it in front of
the tv, obscuring their view of the bills playing football....they simply
try to look around her. every time they do that, she moves, again obscuring
their view.....after this has gone on for about ten minutes there is a
stange whizzing noise, as if something is falling from the sky. an anvil
crashes thru the roof and right onto tess' head. she dies, the bills win
and all is right with the world.
Death #7
tess has decided that she needs to look extra special today. she notices
that max has been looking more and more often at liz. she breaks out the
extra strength make-up (we all know that it won't help, but she is dumb).
she does what she thinks is a good job, who cares that she can't move her
facial muscles, right? she goes to school and realizes that max does not
even notice...poor her. when she returns home, she takes her make up
off...at least she tries. it fades but will not come off completely. she
scrubs harder and harder but to no avail. she goes to the garage and gets
some turpintine. it appears to work, and her face is all atingle.
unbeknowst to her, kyle is burning insence in his room. she goes into his
room to snoop around as usual, walks by the open flame, and her face
explodes. boo hoo
Please note that these deaths are for amusement only. They are not to be taken literally or as a threat to Emilie De Raven's personal well-being. I didn't proofread them at all, so there are probably some spelling errors and stuff because these were sent through casual email correspondence. Just ignore them =)
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last edited - 11.10.02.