Cindy's Jokes

Henpecked Hubby

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself more. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said, "now, go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I most certainly do," said his wife, smiling sweetly.
"The undertaker."

Becareful What You wish For

A man was complaining:
Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meantime my wife stays at home, I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "switch me into my wife" she's got it easy at home I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.
Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market. It was 1: 00 o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school had an argument with the kids. As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and some how he managed to get them done and finally fell a sleep.
The next morning he prays to God once again:
Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please.
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying:
Dear son of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.

New Boots

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens. Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he bought a pair and wore them home. When he arrived home, he asked Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday, and the same pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam went into the bathroom, undressed and came out wearing only his new boots. Again, he said, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN? Cause it's looking at my NEW BOOTS!"
Bessie replied, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

The Post Office

Complaint about the Post Office

A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money. The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat among her workmates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady. A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read, "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those bastards at the post office."

Decietful Friend

Jack and his friend Bob loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who Answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, she explained, and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and If the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and Settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and They got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. I have to Admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."

Last Words

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Missouri, Georgia and Alabama were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

Man Vs. Pregnant Lady

Man vs Pregnant Lady

From an actual trial in London ...

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested for harassment and when the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins"; then she moved under one that read "Sloan's Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement, which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident".
He won the case.

What's Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what is politics?"
Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him, the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that that the baby has severely spoiled his diaper. Off to this parent's room he finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his dad in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Red Neck Ghost Story

REDNECK GHOST STORY

A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium, the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit... From way back there I thought you said "goats."

She was soooo blonde that...

- SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE THAT...

-She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
-She thought a quarterback was a refund.
-She tripped over the cordless phone.
-She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
-She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
-She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
-At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.
-If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
-When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
-She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could > > use it at night.
-When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".
-She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
-Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to re-train.
-What do you call 9 blondes in a circle? A dope ring.
-Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't figure out how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.
-What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4 way stop.
-Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? "Toe goes in first".
-And the best one for last......................... -What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds.

State Trooper

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Bad Day?

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with SCUBA tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire diq bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'-10" of the fire.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed! This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998

Bad Day Part 2

STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding on to the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving at home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her Husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm. (Taken form a Florida Newspaper) Now that is a bad day. Don't you complain about yours........

The Truth About Snow

" THE TRUTH ABOUT SNOW" ~~

DEAR DIARY:
SEPT. 1 Moved to our new home in Pennsylvania. It is so beautiful here. The town is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!
OCT. 14 Pennsylvania is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE!
NOV. 21 Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE!
DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE!
DEC. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again, that rascal. A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE!
DEC. 19 Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking Snowplow!
DEC. 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling. That Asshole!
DEC. 25 "White Christmas" my busted ass. Mother fucking snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I wear I will castrate the dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on this fucking ice.
DEC. 28 More of the same shit last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
JAN. 1 Happy Fucking New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 3 fucking inches of snow this time. At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and shit for brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the shit he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over his fucking head.
JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the fucker. Did about $3,000.00 damage to the car. Wish the hunters would have killed them all last November.
MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the fucking salt they keep dumping all over the roads. It really looks like a piece of shit.
MAY 10 Moved to Florida today. I can't imagine why anyone in their right fucking mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of Pennsylvania.

Veterinary

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the instrument on the dog's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly.
After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark".
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!" The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the lab work and the cat scan..."

Things You Can Get Away With Saying At Thanksgiving

THINGS YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING AT THANKSGIVING:
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

Trick or Treat

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied.The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well, now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Handsel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Handsel and Gretel because you're black!" Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks. "We're M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He got nuts.

Twick or Tweet

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweet!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman says to the child, "Go ahead honey, say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweet!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

Two Babies

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "Well, I do, I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy" he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "You've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

Vampire Bat

A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity. "OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T!"

Sperm Count

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open.

Scared Leprechaun

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was then sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" So the little boy said, "Mom, its a little leprechaun, and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent to his room until his hid Dad came and said, "What do you have in your hand?"
So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away."
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
And the little boy said, "Oh great Dad, now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"

Ashes to Ashes

Ashes too Ashes......... A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes!!!!!