Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday; let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You
know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat...on the couch...naked.
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood
drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of
condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the
same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something
to the man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk
about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many
condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg
your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with
all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle
and now she poops in little plastic bags
Bob and his wife Susan are having marital
problems and decide to see a sex therapist for help.
The first thing the therapist says is "Drop your
pants. Let's have a look".
The couple does as they're told and therapist looks them up and down.
After a careful examination of them both he says
"OK. I can help get that spark back in your marriage. Here's what you do:
On your way home stop at the grocery store and buy a bag of grapes and a
box of doughnuts. When you get home, take off all of your
clothes and sit on the floor across the room from each other and facing each other. Now, Bob, you take the grapes,
roll them across the floor one by one and try to get one in your wife's vagina.
When you get one in, crawl along the floor to her and retrieve the grape
with your tongue. Susan, you take the doughnuts and play "ring-toss"
with Bob. When you get one over his penis, crawl along the floor and slowly
eat the doughnut. When you're done that, you'll have that spark you thought you'd lost."
Bob and Susan go home and try this therapy. To their surprise they have
the best sex they've had in years!
The next day Bob's friend Tom confides in him that he and his wife are
having marital problems. Immediately Bob speaks up and says "Tom; you
have to go to this therapist. Guaranteed he can help you! He helped Susan and me.' So Tom takes his wife and goes to see the therapist. Immediately the therapist says to them, “Take off your clothes and Let's have a look at you both."
Tom and his wife do as they're told and the therapist looks them up and down.
The therapist frowns and says "I'm sorry but there's nothing I cando for you."
"What?! " yells Tom. But my friend said that you could help us...guaranteed!
Isn't there anything you can do for us?"
"Well, " says the therapist, "Ok. Here's what
you do. On your way home, stop at the grocery store and pick up a bag of
grapefruit and a box of Cheerios...
An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep
her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched.
Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she
walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He
whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So,
she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog
whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry."
So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately
the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince.
Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find.
She's old, not dead!)
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. McNick, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. McNick ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. McNick said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Three women die together in an accident and go to
heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only
have one rule here in heaven... don't step on the
ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks
all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and
although they try their best to avoid them,the first
woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter
with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains
them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly
man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a
duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a
thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He
chains them together with the same punishment as the
first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting
to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is
months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she
has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular,
and with good hair St. Peter chains them together
without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve
being chained to you for all of eternity?"
And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did,
but I stepped on a duck.
This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond
in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts,
basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been
there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women
shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or get
out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
- Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children"
- Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
- Drew Carey
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house,"
- Lewis Grizzard
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job,
but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
- Jeff Foxworthy
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
- Robin Williams
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
- Dave Barry
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
- Marilyn Pittman
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim."
- Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
- Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
- Lynda Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'"
- Richard Jeni
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead."
- Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
- Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
- Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member of
Congress . . . . But I repeat myself."
- Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Afghanistan."
- Whitney Brown
"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself."
- Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
- Billy Crystal
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
- Dave Barry
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
- Author Unknown
One day at school, Ms. Jones decided to test her first
grade classes knowledge. She called the children onto
the rug and sat in her chair.
"Now class," she said, "I am holding something behind my
back that is red and round, who can tell me what it is?"
Little Billy raised his hand. "Yes, Billy." said Ms.
Jones. "Its a ball!" exclaimed Billy. "No, its an apple,
but I like the way you think." "Let's try another one,"
said Ms. Jones. "This time I am holding something that
is long and yellow. What is it?" And again Billy raised
his hand. "Yes, Billy." Ms. Jones said. "Teacher, its a
banana!" said Billy. "No, Billy, its a pencil, but I
like the way you think." Then Billy says, "Teacher, let
me do you." "Okay, Billy," Ms. Jones says. So Billy puts
his hand in his pocket and says, "I am holding something
that is hard, round and has a head. What is it?"
Horrified, Ms. Jones shouts, "Billy! That is
unacceptable. Now you go straight to the office!" Billy
looks at Ms. Jones and says, "But teacher, It's only a
quarter," and with that Billy takes a quarter out of his
pocket. "But I like the way you think!"
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at
a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his
shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got
there.
Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight
on that bike."
The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00
bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket.
Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse
you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the
dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting
tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink
said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what
he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his
wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or
gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he
wanted for Christmas. "I want a fucking teddy-bear laying right
beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a
goddamn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I
want to see a mother fucking bike leaning up against the goddamn
garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a
pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw
another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked
outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When
Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his
dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-
a-bitch!"
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the checkout counter where she told the check-out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little
kitten." The girl at the register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food
to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies -- one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming
that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.
She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the middle. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier
said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled
it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like poop". The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
MORAL: Never fool around with little old ladies.
While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto
a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a
quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read,
"Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle."
She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the
fiddle, But it did have her age correct. About that time, an
old gentleman walked up carrying a violin. She asked him if
she could see it. He agreed, and to their amazement, she
started playing the instrument with what seemed a natural
talent. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually
known something about her that she didn't.
She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine
again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out
comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135
lbs., and you have gastritis." She found this one to be
absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to
the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she
develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all
of a sudden, to her embarrassment, she expels a great deal
of noisy wind. She wondered about the fortune, and again
was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff
about her that she didn't know.
She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a
card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you
are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had
been trying to find a decent guy for a long time and had been
sexless for almost a year. She is sitting there waiting for the
bus, when this attractive young man sits down and
immediately their eyes locked, and she almost melted. The
chemistry was incredible. They both knew that they were
right for each other and that they were soul mates. They
held hands, then quickly ducked into the alley and began to
kiss. Before they knew it they were making mad love.
The woman was so amazed at the ability of the machine,
that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the
machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that
read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You've Fiddled
You've Farted, You've Screwed around, and now you've
missed your bus!"
Twin brothers were named Joe and John. Joe was the
owner of a
dilapidated old boat. I happened that John's wife
died the same day
that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old
lady met Joe on
the
street, and mistaking him for John said, "Oh, Mr.
Jones, I'm sorry to
hear about your great loss, you must feel terrible."
He said, "well,
I'm not to worried. She was a rotten old thing from
the beginning.
Her
bottom was all shriveled up, and she smelled like a
dead fish. And the
first time I got into her, she made water faster than
anything I had
ever seen! She had a bad crack in back, and a pretty
big hole in
front. That hole got bigger every time I used her and
leaked like
everything. This is what finally finished her. Four
guys from the
other
side of town, looking for a good time, asked if I
would rent her to
them. I warned them whe wasn't so hot, but they said
they would take a
crack at her anyhow. The crazy fools all tried to get
in to her at
once, and it was too much for her. She cracked right
up the middle."
The old lady fainted.
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks
over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big,
I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's
bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the
barbecue!!!!"
The wife chooses to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some
advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?".
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled
over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for
his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one
at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she
replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a
box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of
another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the
operation."
The Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped:
The cucumber has left the salad.
I can see the gun of Navarone.
Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
You've got Windows on your laptop.
Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.
Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
Dr. Kimble has escaped!
You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
and The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is
Unzipped...
Men are From Mars, and I Can See Your Penis
There was a Great Dog Convention.
They come from near and far.
Some came on bicycles,
and some came in cars.
Y'know, before they could enter,
or even take a look,
they had to take their asshole off,
and hang it on a hook.
But before they even got seated,
(every mother, pup, and sire),
An old dog hollered from the back,
"Run for your life. It's a FIRE!"
The crowd of dogs began to panic,
and nobody stopped to look.
They grabbed the very nearest asshole,
off the very nearest hook.
And this is why, even today,
a dog will drop a bone,
to sniff another dog's asshole,
to see if it's his own.
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same
time.
The italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the
other
side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful
gold
watch.
The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they
got.
It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so
they
trade.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him
looking
at
the watch.
"Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man.
The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his
top.
"Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you?"
"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you
gonna
comma home and finda your wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you
gonna
do then? Looka atta you watch and say, "How longa you gonna be?"
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all
his life.
When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a
tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. When Joe gets
about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes
back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I REALLY TRIED! When those snakes crawled over
me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I
didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and
said - Should we take them with us or eat them here?'...I couldn't keep quiet
any more!"
Mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married
within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried
about how their sex life would get started, she made them
all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a
few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was
puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out
the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom
blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew
to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read
from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She
was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her
daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean.
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and
still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally
arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the
words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's
Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the
worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad
said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said,
"I am putting a box under
the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
Hillary agreed, and in all
their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
curiosity got the best
of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In
the box were 3 empty
beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box
and put it back under
the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she
was doubly curious as to
why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner.
After dinner Hillary could
no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "Bill, I am so
sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and
never looked into the box
under our bed. However, today the temptation was
too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in
the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after
all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful
to you I put an empty
beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself
not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer,
Paula and Monica. I am very
disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen
and I guess that 3
times is not that bad considering the years." They
hugged and made their
peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do
you have all that money
in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up
with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling center and redeemed them for
cash."
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock!
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told
them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying,
"JESUS SAVES."
They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said,"Well, that's a
little different, it pertains to religion."
So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on
their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed
the new sign which read...
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER...$50.00."
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was
about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer,
he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to
Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
