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Needing to double his output of eggs, the farmer went to his neighbor
and asked if he could buy a few of his roosters.
"Ya'll only need this'n," said the farmer, handing him a handsome red
bird. Dubious, the farmer paid for the rooster and went home.
The next morning he went back to the barn and found feathers all over
the place: Every chicken looked whipped, and he learned that his rooster
had screwed every one of them.
"Yer gonna screw yerself t'death!" the farmer warned, and went about his
chores.
The next morning he went back to the barn and found that this time the
bird had not only screwed all the chickens but the sheep as well.
"I'm tellin' ya, yer gonna screw yourself t'death," he repeated and went
about his chores.
The next morning he went into the barn and found that not only had the
chickens and sheep had been screwed, but the cows, horses, and family
dog as well. Noticing that the rooster wasn't around, the farmer went
back outside and found him lying face down in the field. Standing over
the prone bird, he says, "Didn't I warn ya? Didn't I say ya'd screw
yerself to death?"
Suddenly one of the bird's eyes opened. "Will you shut up!" he demanded.
"You want to scare away the buzzards?"
Norman came in from the field one day and found his mother carefully
spreading handful after handful of manure over the watermelon patch.
"Maw," he said, "there's an easier way of doin' that."
So saying , he took a stick of dynamite and, and lit it under the
outhouse. However, Norman didn't know his great-grandmother was using
the facility just then, and when the TNT ignited, it vaporized the
outhouse and blew the woman nearly a mile into the air. She landed, with
a considerable thud, in the midst of the watermelons.
"Good Lawd," Norman yelled, "are y'all right, great grannie?"
The feisty old woman rose unsteadily. "I reckon I am," she replied. "All
I kin say is I'm glad I didn't let that one go in the house!"
Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a
bodily function noise.
Say, "Dang, this water's cold!"
Drop a marble and say, "Oh NO! My glass eye!"
Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope
into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, "Now how did that get there?"
Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under
the stall walls of your neighbors
while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet
paper and drop the wad under the
stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back
over here please?"
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand
over your mouth and let out a
lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter
cream corn all about. Apologize
profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
Say, "Hmmm, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what
am I gonna do?"
Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt
cheeks.
Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter
on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can
see your neighbor and say,
"Peek-a-boo!"
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born
Free".
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest
anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave
"Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the
bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate
walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say
you know nothing about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's
head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of
scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate
every morning.
3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray!
You're back!" as loud as you can and dance
around the room for five minutes. Afterwards,
keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't
you be going somewhere?"
4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around.
Then leave and wait for your roommate to come
back. When he/she does, walk in and act
surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were
here again."
5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son
of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then
buy him/her some ice cream.
6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and
explain that you've been watching too much
"Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her
that you're not sorry because this time, they
deserved it.
7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take
them off as soon as you wake up. If your
roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream
Glasses. Complain that you've been having
terrible nightmares.
8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the
yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet.
If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors
are coming, but you can't say anything more, or
you'll have to face the consequences.
9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty
advisor. Inquire about his/her academic
potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your
roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the
same.
10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning.
Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen
donuts every night.
11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and
tell your roommate you're going home. Come back
in an hour and explain that no one was home.
Unpack everything and go to sleep.
12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my
God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the
room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If
your roommate asks, say you don't know what
he/she is talking about.
13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it
bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's
spreading, it's spreading."
14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every
day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw
everything else away.
15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it.
After a few weeks, start to argue with it
loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room
with you," storm out of the room and slam the
door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot.
Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle
until the clown pops out. Scream continuously
for twenty minutes.
17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room.
If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and
call him/her a cannibal.
18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While
you're doing so, look at your roommate and
mutter, "Soon, soon...."
19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When
he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell,
"Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for
several hours. When you finally let your roommate
in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and
ignore your roommate.
20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around
campus. Give them tours of the room and the
building. Have them ask about your roommate in
front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she
won't be here much longer."
21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit
him/her on the head with a rolling pin.
Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful
little..."
22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist
that you don't know how they got there.
23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one
side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other
side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a
priest come to your room and visit you. Write
out a will, leaving everything to your roommate.
One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your
roommate write out a will, leaving everything to
you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say,
"Oooh, are you dying?"
25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards,
bring all of your stuff back into the room and
tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then
get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks,
say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important
message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you
recover, say you can't remember what the message
was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend
to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with
other people in the building. Award someone a
trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip
and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through
a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards
again.
30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to
the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on
the floor, hold your head, and moan.
31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be
housing a prospective student in the near
future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate
protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that
he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig,
eating lots of bacon.
32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the
floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your
roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey,
where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly
that you are hungry.
33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway,
complaining about the poor picture quality.
34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for
about an hour every day. Then, one day, when
your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down
underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and
wait for your roommate to return. The next day,
start standing in front of the window again.
35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give
them names. Name one after your roommate.
Separate your roommate's potato from the others.
Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He
just didn't belong."
36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped
cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into
your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel
sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a
week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's
a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring
you food and water.
38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room.
Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay
out of the room entirely, opening the door only a
crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is
it gone?"
39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate
protests, explain that you were hot. Open and
close the broken window as you normally would.
40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act
excited, telling your roommate that you hit the
bull's eye. 41. Send flowers to your roommate,
with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't
happen again." When you see them, start ripping
up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few
weeks.
42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start
doing so every so often. Increase the frequency
over the next few weeks, until you are calling
him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate
protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that
anymore, Murray."
43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you
are sleeping.
44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your
roommate if he knows how much an elephant
weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side
of the room with concern. 45. Practice
needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your
thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry
hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to
bed. Sob and sniff all night.
46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are
on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting
obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was
your mom. She said she'd call back."
47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately
turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she
leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you
can come out now."
48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your
roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What
the hell do you think you are? A king?"
49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying
nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say,
"I think this game goes a lot faster with two
players."
50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a
sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the
floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up,
explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your
roommate in unless he/she says the secret word.
Change the secret word often. If your roommate
can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a
tithe.
52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put
party hats on them. Play loud music. When your
roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off
the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and
say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a
monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes
in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the
tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and
your roommate are alone again, continue acting
like a monkey.
54. Unplug everything in the room except for one
toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts.
Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the
window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses,
claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore
conquered his side of the room. Insist that he
remove all of his possessions immediately.
56. Sign your roommate up for various activities.
(Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate
inquires, claim that you are getting in touch
with your NativeAmerican roots. If your roommate
accuses you of not having any NativeAmerican
roots, claim that he/she has offended your people
and put a curse on your roommate. 58. Wear your
shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
complain that your feet hurt.
59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim
that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If
he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you
traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans
to your roommate.
61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash
the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in
the next day. Complain often about the cost of
light bulbs.
62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall
for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in
your room. Right before the hammering stops on
the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't
do that."
63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp,
with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking
about what to wish for. At the end of the week,
report that someone has released the genie from
the lamp. Blame your roommate.
64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth,
watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper
on it, and circulate it around campus. If your
roommate protests, say, "The people have a right
to know!"
65. Collect potato chips that you think look like
famous people. Find one that looks like your
roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be
done."
66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly.
("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in
looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's
wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with
you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate
if you can box with his/her shadow.
68. When you walk into the room, look at your
roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!"
Walk away yelling and cursing.
69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that
your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for
his/her safe return.
70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a
name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can
sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no,
drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look
like a suicide. Say nasty things about your
roommate at the funeral.
71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your
roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not
what you think." If he/she asks about it again,
immediately change the subject. 72. Drink a cup
of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw
on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at
your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and
quickly leave the room.
73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in
cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you
attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and
grumble, "Damn road runner...."
74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say
things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't
think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first
prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that
it's all for charity. 76. Make cue cards for your
roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to
have a conversation.
77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to
make your roommate walk the plank if he/she
doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized
formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend
to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the
plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this
later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across
the room at your roommate through the telescope.
When you're not using the telescope, act like
your roommate is too far away for you to see.
80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing
homework, go and consult with the worms every so
often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms
that they're stupid and they don't know what
they're talking about.
81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act
excited every time your roommate goes to take a
shower.
82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks
in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take
your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat,
sit, and pout.
83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red
pen, changing things and making random
corrections. If your roommate protests, tell
him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and
wait for your roommate to let you back in. If
he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the
importance of good manners. 85. Hang a horseshoe
above the door. Make up stories about having had
good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap
your head in bandages. When you see your
roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe
used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid
horseshoe...."
86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate
that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you.
The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-
lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it.
Confide in your roommate that you really don't
like the jack-olantern, but you can't convince it
to move out.
87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at
night, begin singing famous operas as loud as
you can. When your roommate turns on the light,
look around and pretend to be confused.
88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your
refrigerator to basketball games, and play them
in front of your roommate. Do so for about a
month. Confide in your roommate that you think
the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for
hours about how much you love lemonade. Then,
one day, paint your face yellow. From then on,
complain about how much you hate lemonade.
90. Late at night, start conversations that begin
with, "Remember the good old days, when we used
to..." and make up stories involving you and your
roommate.
91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in
the closet for about and hour. Look around
nervously for the rest of the day.
92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring
others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a
few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos
just aren't what they used to be."
93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that
means there's going to be an earthquake, soon.
While your roommate is out, trash everything on
his/her side of the room. When he/she returns,
explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one
side of the room.
94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a
band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss
the gun ever again. 95. Buy a lobster. Pretend
to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate
that the lobster is making up his own rules.
96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them.
Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet.
Watch them for several hours each day. Complain
to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't
evolving into a self-sufficient community.
Confide in your roommate that you think the king
of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself.
Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the
room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate
objects, explain that you are just trying to get
even.
98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs.
Race them down the hall.
99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them
through basic training. Set up little
checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate
that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted
area and said not to do it again. Ask your
roommate to apologize to the camel.
100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your
roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a
bite out of one of the cookies while your
roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your
roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If
he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it,
insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth
marks look like and that those are, in fact, not
the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and
storm out of the room.
Mr. Johnson went out on his annual hunting expedition and actually
succeeded in bagging a pheasant. He proudly brought it home and did his
best to clean it, and that night the family sat down to a pheasant
dinner. After a few mouthfuls his wife jumped up and ran for the
bathroom. She came back a few minutes later and said, "Honey, there were
little black things in my shit. What do you think it could be?"
"Uh-oh," said Mr. Johnson, "I guess I didn't clean the pheasant out too
well. Just keep an eye out for the birdshot while you're eating."
About 5 minutes later his daughter dashed for the bathroom. She came
back crying, "Daddy, daddy, there's black things floating in my pee!"
"Pellets again-I'm real sorry. Don't worry, they won't hurt you," he
reassured her.
Soon enough his son strolled off, coming back ten minutes later. "What's
wrong with you, Billy?" asked Mr. Johnson.
"I was jerking off and shot the dog."
The Chief of a local indian tribe was sitting in his teepee when he
realized that he had a serious problem. No matter how hard he tried, he
couldn't fart and release the gas that was building up inside him. So he
sent his youngest daughter out to the medicine man to get a remedy.
The girl ran to the medicine man's teepee and said, "Big Chief no fart."
The medicine man scratched his head a second and handed her a bottle.
"Tell Chief take one a day for one week."
The girl ran back to her father and told him what the medicine man had
said.
A week later the Chief still had the same problem and had not farted
yet. So again he sent his daughter to the medicine man.
She entered his tent with a look of depression and said, "Big Chief
still no fart."
The medicine man handed the girl another bottle and replied, "Tell big
Chief to take 5 pills each day for one week."
The girl once again ran back to her father with the bottle and told him
what the medicine man had said.
Another week had passed and the Chief still had not yet farted. Once
again he sent out his daughter to the medicine man, this time the
medicine man handed her 7 bottles of pills and instructed her to tell
her father to take one bottle of pills each day for a week. Again the
girl ran back to her father with the prescription. And a week later the
girl ran back to the medicine man.
Astonished to see the girl standing there he said, "Big chief still no
fart?"
The shook her head and said, "Big fart, no Chief!"
Nympho Chicken
Granny in the Outhouse
20 Ways To Annoy People In Restrooms
Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May
I borrow a highlighter?"100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate
Cooked Pheasant
Big Chief
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