Raven Poe's Joke Page Part II

Bar Translations

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."

-- I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

"I'm not used to these darts."

-- I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

"Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to female)

-- You would look great face down in my lap.

"You get this one, next round is on me."

-- We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you.

-- Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.

"I haven't seen you around here for a long time."

-- You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"

-- I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"Lets get out of here

-- I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (female)

-- I'm easy.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (male)

-- I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)

-- I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)

-- If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

"I don't feel well, lets go home." (female)

-- You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, lets go home." (male)

-- I'm horny.

"I've had like 10 beers already."

-- I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who's got the next round?"

-- I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"Excuse Me." (male to male)

-- Get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (male to female)

-- I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse Me." (female to male)

-- Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (female to female)

-- Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning."

-- I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.

"What do you have on tap?"

-- What's cheap?

"Can I have a white Russian?" (male)

-- I'm really gay.

"Can I have a white Russian?" (female)

-- I'm really easy.

"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab"

-- I already lined up a ride home with your "ex".

"That person looks really familiar."

-- Did I sleep with him/her?

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)

-- I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male)

-- It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

"Do you have any Wild Turkey?"

-- I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

"I don't have my ID on me." (female)

-- I'm 19.

"I don't have my ID on me." (male)

-- I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .40 after my last visit here.

Philosophy in the REST ROOM

BEAUTY IS ONLY A LIGHT SWITCH AWAY
-Perkins Library. Duke University

IF LIFE IS A WASTE OF TIME AND TIME IS A WASTE OF LIFE, THEN LET'S ALL GET WASTED TOGETHER AND HAVE THE TIME OF OUR LIVES.
- Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

IF CLINTON WERE CAPTAIN OF THE TITANIC, HE'D SAY WE WERE STOPPING FOR ICE.
-Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia

REMEMBER, IT'S NOT, "HOW HIGH ARE YOU?" IT'S "HI, HOW ARE YOU?"
- Rest Stop off Route 81, West Virginia

BEWARE OF LIMBO DANCERS
- On the bottom of the stall door, Women's bathroom, Broad Ripple Brew Pub, Indianapolis

ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY... THAT'S BECAUSE IT WAS A GOVERNMENT JOB.
- Women's restroom. Cincinatti

I'D RATHER HAVE A BOTTLE IN FRONT OF ME THAN A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY.
- Bailey Howe Library, University of Vermont.

FIGHTING FOR PEACE IS LIKE SCREWING FOR VIRGINITY.
- The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA

NO MATTER HOW GOOD SHE LOOKS, SOME OTHER GUY IS SICK AND TIRED OF PUTTING UP WITH HER SHIT.
- Men's room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

IT'S HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.
- written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, AZ

IF VOTING COULD REALLY CHANGE THINGS, IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL.
- Revolution Books, NY

THIS BUBBLE GUM TASTES LIKE RUBBER. YEAH, BUT IS LASTS A LONG TIME. AND IT BLOWS GREAT BUBBLES.
- Condom machine. Missoula, MT

A WOMAN'S RULE OF THUMB, IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE WITH IT.
- Women's restroom, Dallas, TX

JESUS SAVES! BUT WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN BETTER IF HE WOULD HAVE INVESTED.
- Mens restroom, American University

IF PRO IS OPPOSITE OF CON, THEN WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF PROGRESS? CONGRESS.
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.

Driving Quiz...

1: Which part of your car wears out most often?

a. the wiper blades
b. the belts
c. the horn

2: Automatic door locks are good for...

a. security
b. convenience
c. messing with the heads of people trying to get in

3: I hate the rain because...

a. it lowers visibility and makes for less safe conditions
b. I answered (a) to question #1
c. I just washed my car

4: Please select the statement that best describes you.

a. I have never written in the dust on someone's car
b. I have written "wash me" in the dust on someone's car
c. I have drawn genitalia in the dust on someone's car

5: The "bright" setting on your headlights is for...

a. dark, poorly lit roads
b. flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c. revenge!

6: I have enough power in my car stereo system to...

a. get it loud enough to drown out road noise
b. get it headbanging loud for my Metallica CD
c. cause permanent hearing loss to anyone within ten feet

7: How many times have you been pulled over for speeding in the last year?

a. zero or one, because I'm generally a safe driver
b. two or three, because I've had some unlucky breaks
c. before or after they took my license away?

8: What hand gesture do you use most while driving?

a. "go ahead"
b. "thank you"
c. "@#!*&%^!"

9: When a bicyclist is next to you, you should...

a. be aware of them
b. speed up and get past them
c. open the door

10: Your rear view mirror is for...

a. watching for approaching cars
b. watching for approaching police cars
c. checking your hair

11: If you are driving and you begin to feel very sleepy, you should...

a. pull off to the side of the road and rest
b. stop at the next convenience mart and get a liter of coffee or Mountain Dew
c. drive faster

12: The Highway Patrol exists to...

a. ensure the safety of all motorists
b. issue as many tickets as possible
c. keep donut shops in business

13: You are supposed to signal a turn or lane change...

a. 50 feet prior
b. 25 feet prior
c. right after you do it

14: If I had a lot of money, I'd spend it on...

a. a minivan
b. a really cool sports car or 4-wheeler
c. bail

15: The best thing about a chauffered limousine is...

a. I don't have to drive
b. I can stretch out, relax, and have a drink
c. leaning out the open sunroof and shouting at people

Scoring The Quiz:

Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for every C.
Tally up the points and consult the list below.

15-24 Points

You're a good driver. You watch the speed limit, remain calm, and observe not only the rules of the road, but also the etiquette. And since you drive so safely and so politely, you'll live a long time. Long enough to decelerate with each passing decade until you're one of those old people in a big car, going ten miles under the speed limit in the fast lane and pissing all the rest of us off.

25-35 Points

Hey! Joe Average! You're a decent driver without being boring. You get where you're going fast without too much danger. In fact, you're the type of person we all like to ride with... Well, all of us except your mother, because "you're going too fast! Watch out for that car in front of you! You're going to kill us all!"

36-45 Points

Remember in driver's education class when they told us to drive defensively? You're the reason.

THE REGULATION OF THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF LAWYERS

1. Any person with a valid Alberta small game license may also hunt and harvest lawyers for recreational and sporting (non commercial) purposes.

2. The taking of lawyers with leg traps and snares is permitted. The use of currency or alcoholic beverages as bait, however is prohibited.

3. The willful killing of lawyers with motor vehicles is prohibited, unless such a vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If a lawyer is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead lawyer should be removed from the roadway and the local animal control officer notified. The vehicle should then proceed to the nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, harass, or harvest lawyers from a power boat, motor vehicle, helicopter or fixed wing aircraft.

5. It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash", "Ambulance" or "Free Scotch" for the purpose of trapping lawyers.

6. It is unlawful to hunt lawyers within one hundred (100) meters of BMW, Porsche, Mercedes or Jaguar dealers. Premises of dealers who also sell domestic vehicles are exempt.

7. It is unlawful to hunt lawyers within two hundred (200) meters of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, police stations, brothels or hospitals.

8. No license is required for the purpose of tracking, hunting, or trapping lawyers who have gained or are seeking to gain elected office.

9. It is unlawful for a hunter to be disguised as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting lawyers.

10. Bag limits per day:
Active Politicians - 4
Yellow Bellied Sidewinders - 2
Two Faced Tortfeasors - 1
Back Stabbing Divorce Litigators - 3
Horn Rimmed Cut-Throats - 2
Honest Lawyers - PROTECTED (Endangered Species)

11. Possession Limit:

Same as daily bag limit except:

Active Politicians - unlimited

THE ALAMO

Davy Crockett climbed to the ramparts of the Alamo. Below, pacing not far from the main gate, was a Mexican sentry. "Twenty, twenty, twenty,: Crockett cried out. A few moments later he repeated the call. "Twenty, twenty, twenty." This went on for most of the night, baffling the Mexican no end. There were only Mexicans outside the gate, none whom Crockett could possibly be signaling; finally his curiosity got the best of him. "Hey, meester," said the Mexican, "You been calling "Twenty, twenty, twenty' ever seenceI came on duty. Madre de Dios, why?" Crockett leaned on his rifle. "Y'wanna know why?" he asked. "Yes, I do." "Ya'll have to come up here with me." "Fine...anything." Crockett looked furtively around. "Okay. Come around back and tell the guard Davy sent ya; he'll let ya in." Less then a minute later the Mexican was standing beside his enemy on the ramparts of the ramshackle mission. "Well?" he demanded. Crockett smiled and pointed into the fortress. "Look down there, just inside the front gate." The Mexican did as he was told, bending over and peering down from the wall. The instant he did so, Crockett booted him in the seat, and he fell to his death. Looking across the prairie where the Mexican army was camped, Crockett leaned on his rifle and yelled. "Twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one....."

Three Women

Three women are sitting in the obsterician's office discussing the sex of their babies. The first woman says, "Since I was on the top when we did it, we're having a boy."
"Well," the second woman replies, "I"m going to have a girl because I was on the bottom when we did it."
The third woman begins to sob. "I'm having puppies"

Superman

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman. "Sure you could," Charlie assured him. "You just gotta flap you arms really really hard." So Mickey climbed up onto the windowsill, started flapping, jumped, and smashed into the sidewalk six stories down. Horrified, their mother came rushing into the room and screamed, "Charlie, what happened?" "Ma, I was just teaching the kid not to believe everything people tell him."

Three Words

What are three words you don't want to hear while making love?

Honey I'm home!

Out of Place

The new couple had been very reserved with each other, so the wedding night was to be the first night the groom was to see his lovly bride naked. As she pulled off her blouse, he was diconcerted to see that her left breast was placed very low, almost at her waist. It would have touched her navel, except that her navel was way off to the right, underneath her ribcage. The dismayed husband couldn't help blurting, "Rhonda, your body...it's...so strange!" "Oh yeah?" said the offended bride, raising her arm and pointing to her armpit. "Well, you can kiss my ass!"

Big Member

This young man decided that, physically, he simply wasn't adequately endowed. Deciding to take matters into his own hands, he went to a doctor and announced his desire to have his penis surgically enlarged. The doctor checked things out and told the young man that the only real improvement that could be surgically worked was to implant a section of a baby elephants trunk. Rather a radical solution, agreed the patient, but he was adamant. the operation was performed without any complications, and after a few weeks of recuperation the young man decided it was time to try out his new accoutrement. He asked a lovely young women of his acquaintance out to dinner at an elegant restaurant. They were having a quiet conversation when his new organ, which had been comfortably resting in his left pant leg, whipped out over the table, grabbed a hard roll, and just as speedily disappeared from sight. "Wow!" said the girl, truly impressed. "Can you do that again?" "Sure," said the fellow, "but, I don't know if my asshole can stand another hard roll."

College Proffessor

A college professor had a reputation for offending women in his anthroplogy classes, so a bunch of co-eds got together and agreed to walk out the next time it happened. The next week, while discussing an obscure African tribe, the professor leered and said, "The men over there have penises twelve inches long!" The co-eds rose and headed for the door. "Oh, come on, girls," snickered the professor, "the plane doesn't leave till Sunday."

Long Delivery

After a long delivery, the obstetrician finally pulled the baby out, whirled it around over his head, and let go so that it splattered all over the wall. "Doctor!" shrieked the woman. "That was my baby!" "That's o.k." he said "it was dead anyhow."

Bionic Women on Vacation

Once during her summer vacation the Bionic Woman took and overnight train journey. She entered her berth without noticing that the man in the berth above hers was peeping through the curtains. The fellow was quite chargined to see her remove her wig, false eyelashes, glass eye, padded brassiere, mechanical hand, and bionic leg. Whe she turned around to pull up the covers she saw the peeping Tom and cried out in alarm, "Oh, my goodness! What do you want?" "You know what I want," he snarled. "Unscrew it and toss it up here!"

Ten dollar Whore

An unfortunate fellow was locked up in the state penitentiary doing five to ten for armed robbery. And all he could think of the whole time he was locked up was eating pussy. The day finally came for his release. He walked out of the prison with the new suit and the ten dollars the officials had given him, and made a beeline for the whorehouse in the nearest town. Slamming down his ten-dollar bill on the front desk, he said, "I wanna eat some pussy!" "Where've you been," said the greasy fellow behind the desk. "Ten dollars these days don't buy more than a close look." "Listen buddy," said the ex-con, pulling him out of his chair by his shirt collar, " I wanna eat some pussy, and I want it now!" "Okay, okay," gasped the proprietor, "I'll see what I can do." So, the ex-con followed him through to the very back of the whorehouse, through some stained, tattered red curtains, and into a grimy little room where a bedraggled looking whore lay spreadeagled on a filthy bed. "She's yours for the ten dollars," said the proprietor, and the fellow went at it. After a little while, he came across a piece of egg. "That's funny," he thought to himself, "I don't think I had eggs for breakfast." But he spat it out and kept eating away. Next he found a piece of chipped beef wedged between his front teeth. "I'm sure I haven't eaten chipped beef this week," he thought, but kept on. Then he came across the corn. "I know I haven't eaten any corn lately," he said sitting up. "I think I'm gonna be sick." "Ya, know," said the whore, "that's what the last guy said."

Bob the Virgin

Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his upcoming wedding night, so he decided to talk it over with his friend John, who was quite a man about town. "Relax, Bob," counseled John, "you grew up on a farm: just do like the dogs do." After the honeymoon the bride stormed over her mother's house and announced that she's never going to live with Bob again. "He's totally disgusting," she wailed to her mother. Her mother asked what the problem was, and just what did he do that was so disgusting. The bride blushed and refused to tell, but finally broke down. "Ma, he doesn't know how to make love at all.......He just kept smelling my ass and pissing on the bedpost!

Redneck Wedding

After the wedding the redneck took his bride to the hotel for their wedding night. In the room both began to undress themselves. "Be gentle," said the bride, "I've never done this sort of thing before." With that being said the redneck grabbed up his clothes, put them on as fast as he could and ran out the room to his parents house. He stormed inside and explained to his family what had happened. His father put his arm around his son, sympathetically and said,"Son, if she's not good enough fer her own family, then she aint good enough fer ours!"

No TP

A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the restroom. Told that it's around the back of the building he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse, and takes a shit, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, wipe yourself with your finger, the insert finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention. So the man wipes and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through. The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger.

Tomatoes

A very horny young man goes to the busiest whorehouse in town, goes up to the front desk, and orders a blonde with big tits. Sitting down on the sofa, he sees a bowl of tomatoes on the coffee table, and being pretty hungry, he reaches over and bites into one. Just as the blonde walks in, but at the site of him she shrieks and runs back upstairs. A bit disconcerted by this performance, the man cancels his order and asks for a redhead with even bigger tits. He's just bitten into the second tomato when a luscious redhead materializes, only to run out of the room with a horror stricken look on her face. Thoroghly disgruntled by now, he asks for a brunette, but she too takes one look at him chewing away and runs upstairs screaming. Going over to the front desk, the young man pounds on the counter and says, "What the hell is goin' on around here? I wanna get laid!" "You eating the tomatoes over there on that table?" asks the propietor. "Yeah, so?" says the young man. "Sorry to say, buddy, but those are last week's abortions."

Gorilla

A women woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman Pinsher. As they walked to the tree. the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. "YOu know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what is it for?" The warden replied, "Well...sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you do one thing." "Shoot the gorilla? "No," he answered, "the dog."

Bear and Rabbit

The bear had to move his bowels and lumbered into the woods. As chance would have it, he found a rabbit doing the same. Squatting beside the hare, the bear asked, "Say, do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit finished up and shook his head. "None what so ever." replied the hare. Nodding, the bear completed his own chore. "That's good," he growled and, grabbing the bunny, used him to wipe his ass.

Elephants

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.

Why do Elephants have big, flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.