| Tasteless Jokes on this Page | |||||
| Blonde Puzzle | Annoyed At Breakfast | Dog Pet Peeves | Foul Language? | Girl's Night Out | How To Give Your Cat A Pill |
| Little Johnny's Marriage Proposal | |||||
| Other Tasteless Joke Pages | |||||
| Joke Page 1 | Joke Page 2 | Joke Page 3 | Joke Page 4 | Joke Page 5 | Main Page |
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please, please, please come over
here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
how to get it started."
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," says the little boy. His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast. Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
1.When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down together and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men become graphic.
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came
back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They
noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped
and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean
herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and
discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not
getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to
clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each
other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the
lookout, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came
home without her panties...". The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine
came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you"
1.Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
How to Give Your Dog A PillBlonde Puzzle
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to bewhen it's finished?" The
blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her
boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and
shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." "Second, I'd
advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then...let's put all these
Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Annoyed At Breakfast
Dog Pet Peeves
2.Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
3.Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4.How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything
while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little
like cat butt?)
5.Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly
who's walk is this anyway?
6.Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7.Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8.Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
9.How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just jealous.
10.Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11.Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew
your shit up when you're not home.
12.When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far
behind schedule that puts me?
13.Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I
freak out everytime we go back.
14.The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud
moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15.Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my
knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
Foul Language
'Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.'
'You foul-mouthed swine,' said the lady indignantly. 'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.'
Girl's Night Out
How To Give Your Cat A Pill
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
6. Call spouse from garden Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just > > visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto its neck, leave head showing. Force mouth open with a dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss-back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the fucking cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on the way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to pick up mutant cat from hell and call the local pet store to see if they have any hamsters.
1. Wrap the pill in bacon and toss it to the dog.
