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In article <3f7k2s$p4e@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu> sorso@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (orso
steven n) writes: >wes5@woodlawn.uchicago.edu (Diane Westerfield)
writes: > >>You all know Harlan Ellison's name appears in B5's
credits. But did you >>also know he is on the Board of Advisors for
dating service Great >>Expectations? According to this lovely flier
I just received in the >>mail, he is. I did not know he was an
expert on matchmaking and dating, >>in addition to being a
"Best-Selling Author." > (snip) > Would you mind writing
the inevitable humor piece about the > Babylon 5 Branch of the Great
Expectations Dating Service? Having no life (the highlight of the long
weekend is dogsitting :-) and no new episodes to dissect, we bring you:
BABYLON 5 DATING SERVICE GUIDELINES or, Having an Affair With a Troll
SUGGESTED ACTIVITIES 1. Bike rides around the station. 2. A trip to the
garden to watch the Starfury races. 3. Your Third Most Favorite Thing in
the Universe. 4. Candlelit spoo dinner. 5. Minbari triangle recital. 6.
Centauri religious festival. 7. Narn opera. 8. Line dancing. 9. Technomage
laser show. 10. Animation film festival. THINGS TO AVOID Interspecies
dating can be confusing. Here are a few hints. 1. Don't tell a Drazi,
"That's not your color." 2. Don't answer, "Beyond a shadow
of a doubt." 3. Don't end the date with, "Be seeing you."
4. Don't ask a telepath, "A credit for your thoughts?" 5. Don't
suggest a day trip to the planet below. 6. Don't offer to open a door
unless you're sure it's not an airlock. 7. Don't complain about moving
food unless you're sure it's supposed to be still, and vice-versa. 8. If
you go on a blind date with a Minbari, don't let them drink. 9. Be careful
how you say it with flowers. 10. Before you ask, "What's that
fragrance you're wearing?" make sure your date is *wearing* it.
COMMON MISUNDERSTANDINGS The meaning of certain statements or questions
depends on context. Some examples are: 1. Kiss my pouch. 2. Want to see a
card trick? 3. Have some fruit? 4. Care to look at my carvings? 5. Would
you like to take a trip down memory lane? 6. You could make me feel young
again. 7. I have a mere fourteen words to say to you. Please listen very
carefully. 8. I have seven words to tell you. 9. Do you like magic? 10.
Duck hunting. SEX Space is a lonely place. We neither encourage nor
discourage sex between our clients. What two consenting lifeforms choose
to do in private is neither our business nor our responsibility. We do
have a few bits of advice: 1. Check your xenobiology reference material.
Safe sex means different things to different species. 2. Infections can
get out of hand. 3. Don't touch unless you mean it. 4. If you don't know
where it's been, ask. 5. "Are you done yet?" might be an
embarrassing, if necessary question. 6. Be sure of your pleasure threshold
if your date asks about "kinky." 7. If you are *really*
desparate to engage in your Most Favorite Thing in the Universe, don't
give away the homeworld to do it. 8. If your date keeps asking, "What
do you want?" "A nice dinner and then maybe get screwed"
might be a bad answer. 9. Some of our clients are not easily discouraged.
10. For some of our clients, love ain't nothing but sex misspelled. larry
crawford "Talk is cheap, but so are you." psychology dept --
"No Nose Blues" univ of georgia athens, ga 30602 "putting
the psycho in psychobiology" crawford@uga.cc.uga.edu
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