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ivanovamarcus
From: danmcd@sundance.itd.nrl.navy.mil (Dan McDonald) Subject: (Humor?)
Ivanova "Singles Out" Marcus The following is a rejected theory
on how Ivanova and her new Ranger romantic interest Marcus Cole meet. Mild
spoilers for Season 2 and rumored Season 3 happenings. (But those spoilers
don't happen until well into the piece, so there's no need for a spoiler
condom.) Thanks to Steve Orso, who, besides being an inspiration, in
effect told me to get off my butt and write this. If you haven't watched
MTV's "Singled Out", you may not get this, but that's fine.
"Singled Out" is an attempt to make a dating show for the MTV
crowd. The best feature about it arguably is the female co-host, who is
quite attractive. One female (or male) gets to eliminate through 50 of the
opposite sex until the field is down to one. Enjoy...
=====================(Cut up to and including here.)======================
ANNOUNCER (v.o.) From Earharts, Babylon 5's best club, it's, "Singled
Out," with your hosts, Tech #1's from 2258 and 2259. CROWD goes wild.
Tech #1 from season 1 (TECH 1), and Tech #1 from season 2 (CORWIN) are
whooping up the crowd. CORWIN In the crowd are 50 single guys, or the
closest alien facsimile to guys! Hey boss, introduce our lucky female
contestant! TECH 1 Sure thing Norman! (Leads out blindfolded IVANOVA) Our
contestant is the first officer of this station, and a rising star in
Earth Force. Let's give it up for Commander Susan Ivanova! CROWD goes
wilder, especially certain guys and certain girls holding up
"Lament" signs. TECH 1 seats IVANOVA on a chair, and removes the
blindfold. IVANOVA (to self) I can't believe I let Garibaldi talk me into
this. CORWIN (to IVANOVA) Okay. Behind the mirror, Susan... IVANOVA gives
a very mean look to CORWIN. CORWIN ...Commander... Behind the mirror are
50 single guys. We've measured them, weighed them, surveyed them...
basically everything short of a telepathic scan, and put that information
here, on these cards attached to their lapels. TECH 1 is showing a
Centauri's card. A Pakmara tries to creep into the picture, and TECH 1
quickly recoils. CORWIN Commander, we have six categories for you to go
through and eliminate at the wave of your finger. The categories are
Camera closes in on each category AGE, SPEECH, ATMOSPHERE, HEIGHT, BOD,
and ATTRIBUTES Let's do it, Commander, first category, please. IVANOVA
gives CORWIN a disgusted look, seeks out GARIBALDI in the audience, and
resigns herself to 15 minutes of sophomoric shenanigans. IVANOVA How
about, ATMOSPHERE, Corwin. CORWIN removes the ATMOSPHERE card, two choices
are revealed. CORWIN For ATMOSPHERE, we have FLAMMABLE or NON-FLAMMABLE.
IVANOVA Definitely get rid of flammable. I don't want to have to wear a
mask on my date. TECH 1 All you methane breathers, GET OUTA HERE! 13
beings in breathing apparati leave, including one of that race with the
really cool black helmets. Oddly enough, a Vorlon encounter suit
(presumably with a Vorlon inside) does not leave. TECH 1 looks at the
Vorlon's card. If you don't breathe methane, why DO you wear that
encounter suit? The Vorlon's head tips 30 degrees to the right, like a dog
hearing a high-pitched whistle. There is no other response. CORWIN If ISN
couldn't figure out Vorlons, you sure won't. What next, Commander? IVANOVA
(wickedly grinning) ATTRIBUTES. CROWD gets a little excited. CORWIN
removes the ATTRIBUTES card, revealing two choices. CORWIN (curtly) ONE or
MANY. CROWD gets more excited, in response to odd looks on CORWIN's face.
IVANOVA Both of you know I have my hands full in C & C. I don't want
my hands full all the time. Get rid of MANY. CROWD oooohs, as if to feel
the insulting tone of Ivanova's voice. 15 dejected Centauri walk off,
including VIR COTTO, who gives IVANOVA a dejected hug before he leaves.
CORWIN Your next category, Commander? IVANOVA AGE. CORWIN reveals the
three AGE choices CORWIN We have VORLON, MINBARI, or HUMAN. (Laughs) I
guess we know enough about Vorlons to know they've been around longer than
Minbari. IVANOVA I don't like older men. Let's get rid of the Vorlons. 12
older beings leave, including the LUMATI AMBASSADOR, who drops another
Lumati toy on Ivanova's lap. LUMATI AMBASSADOR Remember, next time, MY
WAY. The Vorlon is still in the crowd. TECH 1 takes another shot at it.
TECH 1 You must be pretty young. How old are you again? The Vorlon tilts
his/its head 30 degrees to the left. So Norman, we still have too many
guys up here. CORWIN Commander, pick another one! IVANOVA SPEECH. I like a
man who is articulate. CORWIN reveals three more choices. CORWIN THROUGH
THE MOUTH, THROUGH THE BOX, or THROUGH THE MIND. IVANOVA (quickly) NOBODY
gets in my head. Get rid of THROUGH THE MIND. 2 Psi-corp members, a
Nightwatch member, and a Minbari religious caste member leave. A claxon
sounds, TECH 1 gets excited. TECH 1 That's it for the first round. We have
SIX GUYS left for the "Keep 'em or Dump 'em" round. ABRUPT
editing cut to next round. TECH 1 Let's meet our six survivors. TECH 1
goes to each of six contestants left. First is the Vorlon TECH 1 Hey big
guy, can you tell me anything? VORLON
Susan, you are not ready for me.
Crowd ooooohs, mostly because they actually heard a Vorlon speak. TECH 1
goes to each remaining contestant. MARCUS (in full Ranger suit) (English
accent) I'm Marcus, and I'm on a mission. Wild crowd reaction, mostly from
ladies. PAKMARA (through translator) I'd like to share some aged meat with
you. Crowd silence LENNIER I've sworn my life to another; I would swear my
heart to you. Wild crowd reaction again, especially from Minbari ladies
and a few humans. DRAZI Hi Commander. You always look stunning in purple!
Fight breaks out in Drazi section of audience. G'KAR Commander Ivanova,
would you prefer to be conscious or unconscious during our date? I don't
know your pleasure threshold. Several of the dejected Centauri attempt to
rush G'Kar, but security holds them off. CORWIN walks to IVANOVA. CORWIN
This, Commander, is the "Keep 'em or Dump 'em round". You can
ask a question to each contestant, and keep them or dump them based on
their response. IVANOVA First of all, I'd like to dump contestant 3 on
principle. Now I'd like to ask contestant 5 to put on this green baseball
cap, and sing "It's Not Easy Being Green." TECH 1 puts a paper
bag on the PAKMARA, and then tries to put the baseball cap on the DRAZI.
He gets violent, and TECH 1 shows that she may have graduated the Susan
Ivanova school of command tactics as she beats him into submission. At
this point, TECH 1 realizes that the DRAZI is unconscious. TECH 1 I don't
think you'll get much singing out of him, Commander. IVANOVA Then dump
him. The unconscious DRAZI now has a purple paper bag on his head. IVANOVA
Number 4, I don't like to cook. So tell me what you'd fix me for dinner?
LENNIER I would spend two whole days preparing you a delicious meal of
Flarn. I wouldn't sleep, because if I did, the meal would become impure.
Whistles of amazement seep out of the CROWD. IVANOVA (looking impressed)
Keep him, Lieutenant. The crowd applauds, as Lennier is shown a place on
the winner's circle. CORWIN We have three contestants left, and two slots.
It's time for the Final Cut. Commander, ask all three the final cut
question, and keep the two whose answers are good enough. IVANOVA Real
simple question folks. What do you want? VORLON
NEVER ASK THAT QUESTION!
MARCUS (after thinking for a moment) I can't answer that until I know who
I am. G'KAR I want JUSTICE. I want to drive out those Centauri... IVANOVA
(interrupting) Keep the first two. CROWD goes crazy. TECH 1 looks excited.
TECH 1 After this commercial break, the Vorlon, the Human, and the Minbari
will race for Commander Ivanova's heart. ------(Commercial break)----
ANNOUNCER #2 (v.o.) Tonight on Beavis and Butt-Head, our two favorite
morons have always been in the dark. But what happens when they meet the
Shadows? MORDEN What do you want? BEAVIS (in high-pitched fast voice) I
wanna score! I want chicks beating down my door. I want to be as cool as
Todd. I want... Butt-Head SMACKS Beavis BUTT-HEAD Uhhhh, shut up, asswipe.
He asked me what I wanted. Not you, dumbass. ANNOUNCER #2 (v.o.) Tonight
on Beavis and Butt-Head. ------(Back to Singled Out)--- CORWIN We've
removed the mirror. And one of these three lucky guys will get to go out
with our boss! On these cards are answers to a series of questions.
Whoever get to the center of the circle answering enough questions right
gets a date with the Commander. Let's meet our three finalists. Each
finalist is now standing with a nametag where the stats used to be. TECH 1
begins pointing to the VORLON TECH 1 He's the silent type, give it up for
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Crowd applauds. TECH 1 points to
MARCUS. This hunk of man is on a mission. Let's hear it for "Mr.
Identity". Crowd applauds. TECH 1 now points to Lennier. He know how
to cook. Put your hands together for the "Late Night Chef"
CORWIN Okay. Music begins Jeffrey Sinclair, Hero or Heel? VORLON
Hero
MARCUS Hero. LENNIER Hero. CORWIN The commander says, HERO. IVANOVA holds
up the HERO card. All three contestants advance a step. Purple or green?
VORLON
Green.
MARCUS Purple. LENNIER Green. CORWIN PURPLE. IVANOVA holds up the PURPLE
card. Half the Drazi cheer. Only MARCUS advances. Something living in
hyperspace: Fact or Fiction? The VORLON is silent. TECH 1 You have to say
something, guy. VORLON
Fiction.
MARCUS Fact. LENNIER Fact. CORWIN FACT! Ivanova holds up a FACT card.
MARCUS and LENNIER advance. We've got one guy in the lead who's two
answers away! Better command, starship or station. VORLON
Station.
MARCUS Starship. LENNIER Starship. CORWIN STARSHIP it is. The middle guy
is one question away. Ivanova holds up STARSHIP card, MARCUS and LENNIER
advance. This question could do it. The Commander's last lover, male or
female? VORLON
Female
MARCUS Female. LENNIER (looking naively puzzled at the other answers)
Male. IVANOVA raises the FEMALE card. CORWIN I DON'T BELIEVE IT! Female it
is, and we have a winner! CROWD goes wild. Here's the man of your dreams.
He doesn't know what he wants until he knows who he is! He speaks through
his mouth, breathes air, and has ONE attribute. Commander, meet Marcus
Cole! MARCUS gives a surprised IVANOVA a hug. CORWIN Tell them their date!
ANNOUNCER (v.o.) They get transported by a Music Express shuttlecraft to a
secret location, where they get a CRUISE on a NEW SHIP. The ship is a new
combination of Vorlon, Minbari, and Human technology called the White
Star. Ooohs from the crowd. CORWIN is now next to TECH #1. TECH #1 So
Norman, do you think she'll be less of a grouch now. CORWIN I don't think
so, but we'll at least get to host another week of "SINGLED
OUT." Good night! TECH #1 Good night! Lots of dancing ensues. Back
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