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minbari1st
Nathan, I pulled this bit of comedy by Vince Hill from the 'net a few
weeks ago and I thought you might like to add it to your Babylon 5
homepage. From: veh@eurotac.kodak.com
(Vince Hill) Newsgroups: uk.media.tv.sf.babylon5,rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5
Subject: Minbari mentality. Date: 14 Jul 1995 08:46:02 GMT I've been
thinking recently about the first encounter between the Minbari and Earth
Alliance. You really have to wonder at the mentality of a race that would
consider opening gun ports as a universal sign of peace, love and
welcoming. Minbari Tech: "Commander, ship of unknown configuration
appearing on scanners. Origin unknown. 200 life-forms aboard that don't
match any of our records." Minbari Commander: "Hmmmm. Ok, let's
show them our massive laser blasters, that'll make them feel comfortable
and show them how pleased we are to meet them." C'mon, there are
other ways of greeting new species and you can't tell me that this is the
first time this "misunderstanding" has occurred. In fact, the
Minbari have probably had several encounters like this already and, on
discovering that their adversaries did NOT have Minbari souls, have
proceeded to wipe the species from the face of the Galaxy. Minbari
Commander: "We are the Peace Police and we'll show our guns to
everyone we encounter. If they make an aggressive move, we'll wipe 'em
out. Simple as that. There's no place in this Universe for war-like
species." Conversely, you have to question the wisdom of Earth
Alliance, who would put a trigger-happy psychopath in command of an
Explorer-Class ship. I mean, you can't blame the guy for being nervous but
wouldn't a "Hey there, what the hell do you think you are
doing?", have been nice. Earth Alliance Commander: "OPENING
THEIR GUN-PORTS!?!? Well boys, let's fire up the ol' plasma cannons! This
is more like it! I didn't join this outfit to smile and be nice to every
bug-eyed-monster that we come across. LET'S KICK SOME ALIEN BUTT!!!"
Let's redress the balance and add some reality: Minbari Tech:
"Commander, ship of unknown configuration appearing on scanners.
Origin unknown. 200 life-forms aboard that don't match any of our
records." Minbari Commander: "Hmmm, Ok, get Satai Delenn up here
would you?" Delenn: "How may I serve, Commander?" Minbari
Commander: "Satai, we've just encountered a ship of unknown origin.
We suspect that it a species new to Minbari. I wonder if you wouldn't mind
go and waving to them out of the air-lock."
Earth Alliance Tech: "New target appearing on scanners Commander.
Origin unknown. 324 life-forms aboard, not matching any known record. Erm,
they appear to be waving at us Sir..." Earth Alliance Commander:
"WAVING AT US!?!? Well boys, let's fire up the ol' plasma cannons!
This is more like it! I didn't join this outfit to smile and be nice to
every bug-eyed-monster that we come across. LET'S KICK SOME ALIEN
BUTT!!!" no, cut to Lumati Ship Lumati Tech: "A crewman on the
unidentified ship seems to be deliberately showing an open and empty hand,
out the airlock, sir" Lumati Commander: "A symbolic
demonstration of a disarmed, and thus submissive status. What is the
status on their weaponry?" Lumati Tech: "Gunports closed,
targeting sensors off-line, sir" Lumati Commander: "That
confirms it. Were they our equals, they would be demonstrating their
willingness to fight to defend themselves. Clearly, they recognize that
they are an inferior species, and are submitting to our authority. Engage
the polarized gravity beam, and prepare to take them in tow" Lumati
Tech: "Sir! They seem to have broken free from the gravity beam! And
they have opened gunports, and activated targeting sensors!" Lumati
Commander: "Treachery! We'll teach them to renege on a surrender!
Open fire; targeting command centers only. With the leaders dead, their
crew may demonstrate proper respect and submission." To suggest that
there is an "obvious" way to conduct peaceful first contact,
with no possibility of a violent misunderstanding, is to deny that aliens
are anything more than humans in rubber suits. Oh well, I guess it was
fated........ Vince. Back
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