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THE MOLLARI GROUP [Drum and trumpet fanfare. The camera shows five figures
arranged in a semi-circle. From left to right: Delenn, John Sheridan,
Londo Mollari, Kosh Naranek, and G'Kar. Kosh stands; the others are
seated.] VIR COTTO (off-camera): From Babylon 5, it's "The Mollari
Group," a live and unrehearsed program bringing you political
insights and predictions from the galaxy's most knowledgeable insiders!
[Cut to recorded sponsor's credit.] ANNOUNCER: Interplanetary Expeditions
is proud to be a supporter of "The Mollari Group." I.E.--we
bring good things back to life! [Return to live broadcast.] COTTO
(off-camera): Here is your host, Londo Mollari! MOLLARI: Issue One!
"Terra Infirma?" Since the death of President Luis Santiago and
the inauguration of President William Clark--or is it Morgan Clark, I can
never remember which--Earth Alliance has shifted dramatically in its
stance toward interplanetary affairs. The Clark Administration has
declared its top priority to be domestic issues, not galactic diplomacy.
Incidents of hostility toward non-Humans on Earth continue to increase.
Opinion polls even show that a growing number of Humans favor cutting off
all expenditures on the very space station from which we are broadcasting!
Is Earth Alliance about to yank the welcome mat off its interstellar
doorstep? I ask you, John "Starkiller" Sheridan! SHERIDAN:
Londo, did someone bean you with a de-orbiting crowbar? We're in the
process of building the future. That's what Babylon 5 is all about--making
people understand that we can hope to create a better galaxy for
ourselves, and for our posterity. MOLLARI: Delenn of Minbar, what does
your heart tell you? DELENN: Ambassador, you seem to be as confused as a
color-blind Drazi. The very fact that Earth Alliance accepted our
invitation to post the first Human ambassador to Minbar argues for its
continued engagement in galactic affairs. MOLLARI: Kosh "By
Gosh" Naranek, what do you say? KOSH:
A rolling stone gathers momentum. MOLLARI: G'kar G'kar Bo B'Kar, Banana
Fana Fo F'Kar? G'KAR: In my opin-- MOLLARI: Wrong!!! Yes, Captain?
SHERIDAN: A respected leader on my planet-- MOLLARI: You've been rummaging
in *Bartlett's Familiar Quotations* again, haven't you? SHERIDAN: A
respected leader on my planet once warned his people against the danger of
"entangling alliances." [Looks at Delenn] Nevertheless, I can
think of at least one alliance I wouldn't mind getting entangled in.
DELENN: Humans share one unique quality--they build communities.
Everywhere humans go, they create communities out of diverse, and
sometimes hostile, populations. [Looks at Sheridan] Of course, I am not a
hostile population. MOLLARI: I bet you say that to all the station
commanders. G'KAR: I would like to obser-- MOLLARI: Wrong!!! SHERIDAN:
MOLLARI: What's the matter, Captain? A fox in your throat? SHERIDAN:
Is there
any orange juice
here? MOLLARI: Orange juice? Never touch the stuff! But we do have a fine
brevare mixed with some fresh G'Quan Eth seeds. G'KAR: What!?! DELENN:
Here, John, renew your throat with some Minbari red-fruit. SHERIDAN:
Delicious! And pulpy, too! DELENN: Taste of it, for I bring you renewal.
Taste of it. This is the death of pain. Taste of it, and be not afraid.
For I am with you to the end of time. Taste of it. KOSH:
And so it begins. SHERIDAN: Thank you, my little Valen-tine. MOLLARI:
Could we get back to the discussion, please? Or do you want to exchange
rings, too? G'KAR: Mollari, if Delenn has brought a ring with her, I
sincerely hope she will show it to you. At great length! MOLLARI: We have
to move on. Issue Two! "The Narn Regime: Threat or Menace?"
G'KAR: What!?! [The broadcast cuts to another studio.] SUSAN IVANOVA:
We'll be back to "The Mollari Group" in just a few minutes, but
first, let me remind you all that this is Pledge Week on the BabCom
Channel! Hello, I'm Susan Ivanova, and I'm speaking to you from Pledge
Central. As you know, in this era of government cutbacks, your pledges
make the difference in determining whether the BabCom Channel can continue
to bring you high-quality programming. Right now the volunteers at our
Pledge Desk are standing by to receive your transmissions. None of them is
on line at the moment, so give them a call and make your membership pledge
now. [No activity at the Pledge Desk.] IVANOVA: Perhaps you're asking
yourself, "Why should I support the BabCom Channel?" Well,
here's what one contributor has to say about that. STEPHEN FRANKLIN:
Hello, I'm Stephen Franklin, and like many of you, I'm a devoted fan of
the BabCom Channel. After a hard day in MedLab, I like to sit back, put my
feet up, have a good stim--I mean, a good, stiff drink--and relax with my
BabCom favorites. Whether it's a "Great Performances" concert
like "The Three Tenors at MarsDome," or the G'fri Ballet
Company's zero-gravity production of "The Nutcracker," or a
"Mystery" presentation of "The Xon of the Baskervilles,"
I know I can count on the BabCom Channel for the most stimulat--I mean,
the most exciting broadcasting anywhere in the galaxy. So, please, don't
stim on--I mean, please don't stint on your pledge. Go to your viewscreen,
and make your pledge now! IVANOVA: Thank you, Stephen! Well, you heard
what the doctor ordered-- go to your viewscreens, and make those pledges
now! [No activity at the Pledge Desk.] IVANOVA: Remember, for a basic
200-credit pledge, you'll receive a one- year subscription to
"Chrysalis," our monthly guide to BabCom programs. For a
500-credit pledge, you'll also receive a BabCom t-shirt. And for a
1,000-credit pledge, you'll receive a subscription, a t-shirt, and a
lovely green BabCom tote bag. So, come on, decide how much you can
contribute, and light up those Pledge Desk viewscreens right now! [No
activity at the Pledge Desk.] IVANOVA: All right, people, listen up! Faith
may manage, but paying the bills around here requires cold, hard cash!
Either you start pledging *right now*, or we're going to air
round-the-clock reruns of "Barney & Friends"! [The Pledge
Desk lights up like a Christmas tree.] IVANOVA: That's better! Now let's
listen in as some of our volunteers take your pledges . . . [The camera
pans slowly across the Pledge Desk.] TALIA WINTERS: Hello? Thank you for
calling. No, that's all right, I already have all your pledge information.
Good-bye! MAYA HERNANDEZ: . . . and we'll have the t-shirt and tote bag
delivered to your quarters immediately. What's that? What! Listen,
Ambassador, I don't care what the Lumati practice is, the t-shirt and the
tote bag are *all* that you're getting! DRAZI VOLUNTEER: Thousand credits?
Good! For thousand, you get magazine, t-shirt, and green tote bag. Not
purple, green! Green! Hello? WARREN KEFFER: What? No, Ambassador, I don't
care what the Lumati practice is, the t-shirt and the tote bag are *all*
that you're getting! MORDEN: The t-shirt? Of course! What else do you
want? The tote bag? Sure, how many do you want? No, you don't need to make
a pledge, we're happy to provide them! What else do you want? IVANOVA:
Let's see how they're doing on "The Mollari Group"! [The
broadcast cuts to "The Mollari Group."] G'KAR: Mollari, on the
Great Chromosome of Life, you are a recessive gene! MOLLARI: Wrong!!! [The
broadcast cuts to Pledge Central, where Ivanova has gripped Morden by the
lapels and has lifted him halfway out of his seat.] IVANOVA: . . . and if
I catch you giving away any more memberships without getting a pledge, I'm
going to take you by the ankles, stand you on your head, plant my feet
firmly in your armpits, and use you for a pogo stick! Do you understand
me? [The air fills with short, high- pitched noises.] And what's that
noise? Is there a cricket in here? I *hate* crickets! WINTERS: Yes,
operator, I will take an emergency transmission. Yes, Mr. Cotto? Twenty
thousand credits if Commander Ivanova does *what*? [Winters looks at
Morden.] EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! IVANOVA: [Turns toward camera] What? We're on
the air? Garibaldi, you're a dead man! Cut to a promo! Now! [The broadcast
cuts to a recorded promotional announcement.] ANNOUNCER: The BabCom
Channel is your channel for the very finest in children's programming! Be
with us Monday at 1100 hours when Mr. Lennier visits the "Sesame
Jumpgate" for an episode sponsored by the the Human letter L, the
Minbari letter Tra, and the Human number 3. LENNIER: One tri-lu-mi-na-ry .
. . THE COUNT: Two tri-lu-mi-na-ries . . . LENNIER: Three tri-lu-mi-na-ries!
ANNOUNCER: And be sure to visit the "Sesame Jumpgate" on
Tuesday, when Mr. Mollari teaches Big Bird how to count to six! That's
here, on the BabCom Channel! [The broadcast cuts to Pledge Central.]
IVANOVA: We're back. And now, a special opportunity: For the next half
hour, if you pledge at the 1,000-credit level, not only will you receive a
subscription to "Chrysalis," a BabCom t-shirt, and a BabCom tote
bag, but also you'll receive this bonus book. That's right, hot off the
presses, you can have your very own, first-edition, hardcover copy of *The
Last Dangerous Visions*! So call in your pledges now! [Winters leaves the
Pledge Desk.] IVANOVA: Talia? Where are you going, Talia? Come back here!
Talia, you can't leave yet! The show isn't half over! Talia! [Ivanova
moves to prevent Winters from leaving.] [The broadcast cuts to a recorded
promotional announcement.] ANNOUNCER: Sunday afternoon is for homemakers
on the BabCom Channel! At 1430, it's time for "This Old House."
Join hosts Norm and Steve as they continue converting the old Markab
embassy in EarthDome into luxury condominiums. At 1500, Minbari
bone-stylist Sassoon offers tips on personal grooming on
"Lifestyles." At 1530, "The Victory Garden" shows you
how to grow coffee beans the hydroponic way. And at 1600, join "The
Frugal Gourmet" as he reveals his time-saving recipes for making
Flarn Surprise and other Minbari treats in thirty-six hours or less.
That's Sunday afternoon, on the BabCom Channel! [The broadcast returns to
Pledge Central. As Ivanova lies dazed on the studio floor, Franklin
extracts a Lincoln-head penny embedded in her forehead.] IVANOVA: I know
it's a Russian thing, but I hate it when I lose control . . . [The
broadcast cuts to "The Mollari Group."] MOLLARI: Issue Three!
"Grim Rim?" Is there something dangerous out on The Rim? [Delenn
and Sheridan exchange worried looks.] For the past eight months, a Narn
crackpot who shall go nameless has been running around all of known space
claiming a Cosmic Bogeyman has taken up residence in the Z'ha'dum Sector
of The Rim. G'KAR: What!?! MOLLARI: Notwithstanding the fact that an
exploratory vessel that his own government sent to The Rim to investigate
this nonsense failed to report anything amiss, this same Narn has cited
all manner of primitive superstitions as supposed proof that something
shadowy is happening out on The Rim. G'KAR: Mollari, this is too much! I--
MOLLARI: Wrong!!! The question is this: Is there really anything dangerous
out on The Rim, or are all these alarms nothing more than the pathetic
delusions of a raving Narn whose mind was permanently unhinged by the
childhood traumas of his pouchling toilet-training? G'KAR: Mollari, I
shall carve your-- MOLLARI: Wrong!!! Madame Butterfly of Minbar, what do
you say? DELENN:
MOLLARI: You have nothing to say? DELENN: Ambassador, I would never tell
you anything that was not in your best interest. G'KAR: But the prophet
G'Quan has writ-- MOLLARI: Wrong!!! Captain Smiley? SHERIDAN:
MOLLARI: What's the matter, Captain? Owl got your tongue? SHERIDAN: I'm
not thinking what I'm thinking. I'm not thinking what I'm saying. For that
matter, I'm not even saying what I'm saying. MOLLARI: Thanks for clearing
that up. G'KAR: Will you please lis-- MOLLARI: Wrong!!! Kosh "Don't
Panic!" Naranek? KOSH:
Beats me. MOLLARI: All that for two words? DELENN: He was stuttering.
G'KAR: I tell you, there's someth-- DELENN\ SHERIDAN-: Wrong!!! MOLLARI/
G'KAR: I will not be silenced! There's-- KOSH:
Wrong!!! MOLLARI: Exit question! On a scale of Zero to Ten, where Zero is
the metaphysical certainty that the Z'ha'dum Sector of The Rim is utterly
safe, and Ten is the metaphysical certainty that it's the kind of place
I'd like to send my wife Timov, how safe is that part of The Rim? DELENN:
Zero. KOSH:
Yes. SHERIDAN: Zero. G'KAR: I am not a number! I am a free Narn! MOLLARI:
Wrong!!! The correct answer is Absolute Zero! We have to hurry, everyone.
"Predictions"! DELENN: On her next visit to Babylon 5, ISN
reporter Cynthia Torqueman will have a close encounter with a faulty
airlock. G'KAR: Mollari, you will know fe-- MOLLARI: Wrong!!! SHERIDAN:
For the first time in nine years, neither the American League nor the
National League Batting Champion will be a Narn. KOSH:
Forty-two. MOLLARI: Monocles will become the trendy new fashion in Narn
eyeware! G'KAR: What!?! MOLLARI: Bye, bye!
***************************************************************************
***** sorso@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu ***** "Every silver lining has a
cloud." *****
***************************************************************************
Pak'ma'ra Ambassador Protests "The Mollari Group" orso steven n
wrote: > > THE MOLLARI GROUP > >[Drum and trumpet fanfare. The
camera shows five figures arranged in a >semi-circle. From lef Wow,
that was good. I am lurking in this group since February and this is far
and away the funni... Get him away from here... Hey, stop eating the
message... Leave me alone... Security! Help!!! [long pause] Hello, this is
Pak'ma'ra ambassador. I'd like to protest this parody. Ever since the show
started, my people have been shown throughout the station, yet we have not
had an episode dedicated to us. Drazi got their own episode, Marcabs got
one, even Lumati got one and they don't even live on the station. And now,
as the ultimate insult, we are even excluded from a parody. We demand that
any message which mentions Drazi and Marcab mention us as well. We are
tired of being butts of bad JMS jokes. Unless the MOLLARI GROUP is changed
to mention at least one Pak'ma'ra, we are sending the Pak'ma'ra Security
(and I trust that no one needs to be reminded of the efficiency of our
security forces) to the home of one Steven Orso. Don't make us wait!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
glazamit@stimpy.eecis.udel.edu (Gla'za'mit, the Pak'ma'ra ambassador)
protests: >We demand that any message which mentions Drazi and Marcab
mention us as well. >We are tired of being butts of bad JMS jokes.
Unless the MOLLARI GROUP is >changed to mention at least one Pak'ma'ra,
we are sending the Pak'ma'ra >Security (and I trust that no one needs
to be reminded of the efficiency of >our security forces) to the home
of one Steven Orso. Don't make us wait! BabCom management regrets to
report that low ratings make it impractical to continue recycling old
episodes of "The Pak'ma'ra Chef with Ju'li'a Chi'ld." In the
event that master chef Chi'ld comes out of retirement to film new
programs, BabCom management promises to review its decision.
***************************************************************************
***** sorso@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu ***** "Every silver lining has a
cloud." *****
***************************************************************************
***** "Major Strasser's been shot! Round up the usual dinner
guests!" ***** ********** [Extract from the Pak'ma'ra' re-make of
"Casablanca"] **********
***************************************************************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
orso steven n
wrote: >glazamit@stimpy.eecis.udel.edu (Gla'za'mit, the Pak'ma'ra
ambassador) >protests: > >>We demand that any message which
mentions Drazi and Marcab mention us as well. >>We are tired of
being butts of bad JMS jokes. Unless the MOLLARI GROUP is >>changed
to mention at least one Pak'ma'ra, we are sending the Pak'ma'ra
>>Security (and I trust that no one needs to be reminded of the
efficiency of >>our security forces) to the home of one Steven Orso.
Don't make us wait! > >BabCom management regrets to report that low
ratings make it impractical >to continue recycling old episodes of
"The Pak'ma'ra Chef with Ju'li'a >Chi'ld." In the event that
master chef Chi'ld comes out of retirement to >film new programs,
BabCom management promises to review its decision. Well, even Minbari know
that proper food preparation takes many hours. Because of that, we have to
split preparation of a single dish over many episodes of "The
Pak'ma'ra Chef". We feel that the continuing nature of "Pak'ma'ra
Chef" produces significantly better dishes than shows like
"Cooking with Neelix" which complete the whole dish in one
episode. Unfortunately, anyone who misses even one episode loses out, as
he is unable to finish even a single recipe. If BabCom kept the show in
one slot instead of shifting it all over the schedule or even preempting
it by Narn Baseball whenever it runs late (and, let's face it, Narn
Baseball almost always runs late), the show would find its viewers even
among aliens. The decision of BabCom to delay the last four episodes of
the "Roasted Marcab in spicy G'Quon Eth sauce" season is
especially unfortunate. It will guarantee that many more people will lose
interest - especially since it is getting more and more difficult to find
a fresh Marcab. Under circumstance like this, is is any wonder that master
chef Chi'ld doesn't want to do the show any longer? That's why we demand
to be included in other shows and stories. There is more to our culture
than food preparation and looking like an ancient mythological creature of
Earthers. Gla'za'mit, the Pak'ma'ra ambassador >From: wald@ford.uchicago.edu
(Kevin Wald) Since the Pak'ma'ra' have complained so bitterly about being
left out of a recent parody, I present the following creation as an
attempt to rectify the situation. (Filk alert! Filk alert! Narn, prepare
your bats.) Last night, I met a fabulous . . . thing, In the Ambassadorial
Wing. "This guy is really cool -- oooh, This guy looks *just* like
Cthulhu . . ." And that's how I fell for the Leader of the Pak'. We
had a picnic down by the rocks; He'd brought his food along in a box. We
sat there on the bench; I didn't mind the stench, 'Cause I was with the
Leader of the Pak'. He asked if I liked Earthling. Unsure, I said I'd
never earthled before. Our eyes met. We embraced, Then kissed -- I had
good taste, According to the Leader of the Pak'. I woke next morning, only
to find He'd split, and left his dinner behind. That's right, my man had
gone, And left me to carri-on. I'll never forget you, Leader of the Pak'.
Kevin Wald | Ivonova -- doot-doooo, doo-doo-doot . . . wald@math.uchicago.edu
| Ivonova -- doot doo-doot doot . . . Back
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