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thread.summ
Nathan, You asked for B5 humor. This is a parody of my own reviews that
takes shots at most of the hotly discussed threads on the net. It got a
pretty good reaction at the time. Feel free to include it in your
collection if you like it as long as you include the copyright notice with
it. Eric
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Having just watched "Midnight War at the Infection Hunters
Parliament," I put on my hip waders to go looking for fresh droppings
in the field. SPOILERS: Synopsis: Dr. Franklin organizes a convention of
xenopathologists to be held on Babylon 5. After having had a few drinks,
he gets together some of his old pals from medical school to make a run at
getting a piece of Kosh's environment suit. Franklin goes to the door,
rings for entry then stands silently listening as old show tunes come from
the speaker. When Kosh comes to the door himself, wearing only his
bathrobe, to see why no one came in, Franklin and his pals jump him and
storm into the room. While most of the group keeps Kosh busy jumping to
recover his bathrobe while also trying to cover his bright lights,
Franklin snatches the right glove from Kosh's environment suit. In an act
of desperation, Kosh starts singing Barney's song and the doctors are
driven off with their hands clasped firmly over their ears. Meanwhile,
Sinclair is called unexpectedly by the IRS and told that they have
discovered certain irregularities in his return. Two IRS cops, Buster and
Tighe, appear at Sinclair's door soon after and demand that Sinclair turn
over all his data crystals for examination. Sinclair smirks at them and
Buster smacks him with a black leather glove. Kosh registers a formal
complaint with the EA about the missing gauntlet and then goes to see
n'grath to find someone to get it back. Unfortunately, his translator was
damaged in the scuffle with the doctors and they are forced to communicate
using pantomime accompanied by the score of "Attack of the Killer
Tomatoes." They appear to reach an understanding and Kosh leaves.
But, of course, Kosh and n'grath did not understand one another and
n'grath sends two of his men out on a scavenger hunt around the station to
pick up all the necessary pieces to assemble an Ikarran Unlimited Energy
Telepathy machine. They succeed in finding all the parts required except
for 6 10-24 screws to hold the parts together. They try to use 12-24
screws instead and end up stripping the threads. n'grath has both men put
out a nearby airlock where first their blood boils, they explode, the
pieces freeze solid and then they char to a cinder all within 10 seconds.
A Vorlon war fleet suddenly enters through the jump gate and surrounds the
station. "The Flight of the Valkyries" is heard from large
speakers on the side of each ship and the hull of the station starts to
resonate from the noise. The B5 defensive grid is activated and great
globs of spoo are flung at the Vorlon vessels. The Vorlons are agile
enough to avoid being hit and the spoo passes by them without causing
damage. But, attracted by the station's gravity, the spoo falls back to B5
coating the hull with a thick layer of goo. The spoo acts as a sound
absorber and the Vorlon attack is foiled. Sinclair smirks. The Vorlons are
not easily thwarted, however, and they start to download the complete log
of the gay/bisexual flame war from alt.tv.babylon-5 into the B5 computers.
Babcom is quickly overloaded with Babalert and Babpanic messages from the
Babnet and Babalarms start to ring all over the station. A squadron of
Starfuries is launched but are unable to maneuver since they had to move
all their engines to their central axis to avoid copyright violations with
the X-wing fighters in another universe. The Babalarms scare the hamsters
turning the flywheels and the station begins wobble uncontrollably. Out of
desperation, Sinclair calls Buster and Tighe to C&C and instructs them
to form a mindlink to the Vorlon's computers. He then goes by himself to
meet with n'grath to obtain the super secret and newly stolen latest
revision of an Eddorian spell checker. Disdaining the use of a breather
unit as "for people who want to live forever," Sinclair takes a
deep breath then plunges into the methane. He wrestles n'grath to the
ground then snatches the device and speeds back to C&C. Once there, he
has the two Psi's link with the Eddorian device and the Vorlon computers
and they begin a full scale parsing attack. The error messages soon
overwhelm the Vorlons and they are forced to retreat back through the jump
gate. With the departure of the Vorlon fleet, Sinclair finally has time to
talk to Franklin to find out what started the whole affair. Franklin
confesses his part in the glove snatching and hands it to Sinclair.
Sinclair examines the glove and finds a small flap held down by Velcro on
the back. He lifts the flap and finds a small socket with the words
"Insert Consciousness Here" written on it. Kosh, who had been
standing in C&C looking out the window and listing all the stars he is
going to miss, suddenly has a flashback to "The Gathering" where
we see him standing at the doorway to his ship looking through all the
pockets in his encounter suit trying to remember where he put himself. As
the door to his ship opens, he shrugs and heads down the ramp to meet
Sinclair. Just as he reaches out to shake hands, he remembers that he left
himself in his right glove. But he does not act fast enough to pull his
hand back and a strong handshake from Sinclair is enough to disrupt him
and he falls unconscious to the floor. Talia Winters, who is standing
across the room with casts around both her wrists, is overwhelmed by these
images from Kosh and she tells the whole story to Sinclair. Sinclair hands
the stolen glove to Kosh and says, "So, now we know the secret of the
Vorlons. Be more careful next time." Sinclair smirks and Kosh hits
him with the glove. Review: The title of this episode had lots of letters.
Too many for me to fit in the space provided on my VCR tape. I don't like
that. It really bothers me when aliens speak in show tunes. This is so
cliched that I am surprised JMS used it here. How would Kosh know these
songs? Are we to believe that the Vorlons have been monitoring earth and
picked them up from TV broadcasts. JMS promised to deliver an SF show JUST
THE WAY I WANT IT and this is far off the mark. Hey JMS, straighten up! It
was encouraging to see that in the shot of n'grath's men exploding,
angular momentum was properly conserved as the pieces all rotated with a
period of 60 seconds. Given my extensive background in physics, math,
engineering, astronomy, computers and biology, I can say without question
that the letter "x" is used in all of these fields whenever
somebody doesn't know what they are talking about. So an equation like
x=pi*R^2 can be shown to mean that the poster prefers to eat his desserts
out of a square pan. From this we can show that We*Do*NT _______ ------- =
A * \/D*A/MN G*I*V^e And thus the trajectory of the last glob of spoo goo
as it first was caught in the L4 point and then cascaded through the other
L points before it was sent hurling into the sun by tidal forces can be
seen to be complete nonsense. And I don't want to hear about it again. So
don't post about it, you hear. Don't make me come out there and smack you
up 'side the head. They completely ignored years of continuity during the
space battle. It has been well established that energy weapons have a
light blue beam and they react violently when used on anaphasic matter.
Yet the beams we saw were orange and no one thought of aiming for what had
to be the anaphasic plasma exhaust from the Vorlon ships. If they had had
Geordi working on the station defense grid, he would have been able to
rephase the weapons to match the Vorlon Dweedle field and set up a
feedback loop to reprogram the Vorlon bio-weapons. Then the station's
weapons could have penetrated their screens and ignited the plasma. They
must have pretty shoddy engineers to miss something like this. Eric
"P rating? I don't need no stinking P rating." Austin eaustin@ll.mit.edu
Copyright 1994, Eric J. Austin. All rights reserved. Permission is granted
to distribute this synopsis =noncommercially= as long as this copyright
notice is included. Back
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