top10

Note: Some of these lists contain spoilers for episodes up to and including Babylon Squared (late season 1). You have been warned.... The authors of these various pieces posted them to the newsgroup rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5, where I collected them. Individual authors and credits have been left on, and the lists sometimes edited for visual consistency. Send any additions/corrections/whatevers to Nathan Mates at nathan@cco.caltech.edu Nathan Mates Humor Archiver 10) Sinclair finds out Delenn is responsible for the missing corpse of the late Great Poobah Sinclair: Way to go, bonehead. 9) Garibaldi talks to Sinclair after pumping the stomachs if the Carrion Eaters Sinclair: Well, what did you find? Garibaldi: Jimmy Hoffa 8) The mysteriuos alien that went around asking everyone what they want visits Vir Alien: What do you want? Vir: I just want to.....SING! 7) "He's dead, Jeff" - 'Nuff said 6) Garibaldi and Londo at the bar Garibaldi: You have a lot of repressed feelings, Don't you Londo? Must be what keeps your hair up." 5) Sinclair walks into Kosh's quarters, while Kosh is watching one of his educational yet mysterious Earth videos> Video "...with a large piece of paper. Turn the paper over, keeping your eye ON the cammel, and paste down the EDGE of the sailor's uniform, until the word 'Maudling' is almost totaly obscure." 4) Sinclair welcoming Bester to the station Bester: "Babylon-5 is quite a Wessel." 3) Sinclair and Ivanova are stuck in any generic hopeless situation Ivanova: "Now if I can just reverse the polarity of the neutron flow..." 2) Sinclair and Ivanova are stuck in any generic hopeless situation> Ivanova: "Now if I can just reverse the polarity of the neutron flow..." Sinclair: "That just might work." 1) Sinclair and Ivanova are stuck in any generic hopeless situation Ivanova: "Now if I can just reverse the polarity of the neutron flow..." Sinclair: "That just might work...how do you know this stuff?" Ivanova: "I'm Russian, we know these things." Enjoy Vladimir vladimir@ucdavis.edu SPOILER WARNING: This list contains spoilers for almost every other episode up through "Babylon Squared"... you've been warned. Disclaimer: I give up all story rights to this list... just in case I step on a future story idea. (Besides, it's not that good :) 10. Vorlons discover baseball, and hit a "grand slam home run" using a Shadowmen ship and Babylon 5. 9. Draal sneezes. 8. Babylon 4 returns, and sues Babylon 5 for trademark infringement. 7. An unfortunate scheduling error causes the Minbari Grey Council, Soul Hunters, Homeguard, and League of Non-Aligned Worlds to hold simultaneous conventions on Babylon 5. 6. Homeguard realizes that crosses don't burn in space, and look for something that will. 5. That damn Crusher boy and his experiments! 4. Soul Hunter mass harvesting. 3. [Number 3 is reserved by the Minbari] 2. During the next labor strike, Babylon 5's commander takes "by any means necessary" a _bit_ too far. 1. Garibaldi should have specified "Give me a _BUD_ Light!" Joe Delisle jd@clark.net > Disclaimer: I give up all story rights to this list... just in > case I step on a future story idea. (Besides, it's not that good :) mee too. :) 10. No not that button! 09. A Minbari get drunk and rams a cruiser through the station. 08. Another attacked is launched at the station, but unfortantly the Hyperion responds, and in the combat misses the enemy and nukes the station. (was it me, or did it seem the Hyperion needed more gunnery partice with those main guns.) 07. Dr. Crusher makes an appearance and tries to save everybody from an illness. 06. EA changes the uniform color to Red. :) 05. Someone reverses the polarity of the Neutron Flow. 04. You mean the reactors were made by the LOWEST bidder? 03. What does this big red button do? 02. George burns offends the Vorlons while doing a Bob Hope show at B5. 01. Garibaldi gets drunk, wonders into the methane breather section and shows them human farts can ignite! :) (Why do drunk people think this is funny?) James Dusek -------------------------------------------------------------------- | James Dusek | If the Goverment prints the money, | | Motorola Inc | why is it always broke? | | dusek@cadsun.corp.mot.com | | -------------------------------------------------------------------- (More) TOP TEN WAYS BABYLON 5 WILL BE DESTROYED 10. The kid from SeaQuest gets transferred to BABYLON 5. The station self -destructs to prevent further infection of "Wesley Crusher" disease. 9. Arron Spelling takes over as producer he wants to redo the shwo and re-name it "Models Inc. In Space" 8. William Shatner, Penn Jillette and Rush Limbaugh appear in the same episode, violating the Law of Maximum Ego. Space folds in on itself, forming a black hole, much to the relief of the entire galaxy. 7. David Lynch sends BABYLON 5 to the BLACK LODGE. 6. Giant Kelp from VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA mistakes BABYLON 5 for the SEAVIEW. 5. BABYLON 5 ends up in "Dark Shadows" Collingwood's EAST WING. 4. The molecular structure of the outer shields of BABYLON 5 breakdown when exposed to increasing concentrations of Lando's hairspray. 3. BABYLON 5 hires Seattle KINGDOME architects to design some "minor improvements" to the roof. 2. BABYLON 5 hires Seattle KINGDOME contractors to make repairs on the "minor Improvements". 1. Rush Limbaugh is appointed station commander: his ego blows out the shields. OK, the official word is that you're not supposed post story ideas or else JMS will have to leave this group, which would make a lot of us very unhappy. But there are also plenty of unofficial reasons why you shouldn't do it... :-) :-) >;-) TOP FIVE REASONS NOT TO POST STORY IDEAS TO REC.ARTS.SF.TV.BABYLON5 1. Ivanova says you shouldn't do it. Ivanova is always right. You will listen to Ivanova. You will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out. 2. Let's see, spacing is reserved for only for traitors, and there isn't any room left in the prisons... that leaves us one other option... oh, *Talia*? 3. "You are not ready for immortality through your work." 4. We'll put you into the Heart of the Machine... where the Machine is a reeeeeally big blast furnace. 5. "I tried. I tried to warn them about posting story ideas... but it all happened, just the way I remember it." Victar JMS mentioned: | I've decided youze guys are just messing with my mind. | Returning the favor, so to speak. [ snip ] |I get a messengered packet from Chris Franke, expecting it contains a |tape, but it's flat and soft and I peek inside and I don't see a tape |and toss it, wondering what he's up to now...the coffee machine |isn't working right...everybody's messing with me, so why not here? That makes an excellent lead-in, folks, so here we go. Fire up the band, Paul, because it's time for: From the home office on Ragesh 3, TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD ON THE FIRST DAY OF FILMING "POINTS OF DEPARTURE" 10. Lennier (tapping noggin): I'm bad to the bone. I'm bad to the bone. 9. wolf howl vacuum cleaner chainsaw starting The owls are not what they seem. dog bark bees buzzing thunder 8. Look, we'll get around to recasting Na'Toth...when the time is right. 7. Minbari suck. Vorlons are cool. Huh-huh. Huh-huh. Huh-huh. 6. Bye, Woody! 5. WHAM! WHAM WHAM WHAM! WHAM WHAM! WHAM! (That's the sound of <*> Elana's <*> head...and mine...and Dianne's...and...) 4. Which one is he again? The Scarecrow or Mrs. King? 3. Hang on, folks. We've got a video clip for this one. Roll it, Hal! Ivanova: "Ms. Winters, I'd like to introduce you to the new EA Ambassador: Mr. Galakiewicz." Garibaldi (mumbling aside): "That's *Dr.* Galakiewicz." Dr. Galakiewicz (smiling at Talia): "Yes, I am." 2. Sinclair: "Babylon 5 is here to keep the peace." Sheridan: "Sinclair, get your Minbari-lovin' butt off my station before I smack you one." And now, the number one thing overheard on the first day of filming "Points of Departure"... 1. <*> Gotcha, Joe. <*> :) Copyright 1994 Michael "The Admiral" Zecca, zecca@starfury.cgd.ucar.edu * * * Manager of the 1994 Usenet Trekkies baseball team * * * | "Things are changing on Earth and not all for the best." | | -- Cdr. Jeffrey Sinclair, BABYLON 5 "By Any Means Necessary" | TOP TEN REASONS TO TELL YOU WHEN YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH "BABYLON 5"! YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING WAY TOO MUCH "BABYLON 5" WHEN... (10) ... you answer the telephone and say "This is C-in-C". (9) ... your secretary says "Hello" and you reply "What do *you* want"? (8) ... your friend asks for your help and you reply "When the avalanche has started it's too late for the pebbles to vote." (Or insert you're favourite Kosh quote here). (7) ... you're driving towards a tunnel and you mention to your wife and kids they're all about to enter a jump gate. (6) ... you get nervous every time you see a person wearing a pair of black leather gloves and try to clear your mind of any thought. (5) ... you point your pen at someone, press it and say "beep, beep". (4) ... you enter the elevator and say "deck four"... sorry, wrong series! :-) (3) ... you have to call your friend and instinctively touch your hand where you think your communicator is. (2) ... you put on a Virtual Reality helmet at the arcade and start having visions of "The Battle of the Line" and start screaming "It's a trap"! (1) ... you enter the hairdresser's salon and come out with a haircut like Ambassador Mollari's! /---------------------------------------+-----------------------------------\ | Edwin Yau, Freelance writer and | Keeper of the:- | | part-time Jedi Knight (weekends only) | seaQuest DSV guides, FAQ and the | | PSI-COP rating P12+ | Babylon 5 (UK) episode guide. | | e-mail: ey@unix.brighton.ac.uk | | \---------------------------------------+-----------------------------------/ Yes, a *useful* computer voice should talk faster. At least they made it a female voice, which is generally easier to understand than a male voice (higher pitch cuts through background noise better). But there are reasons for everything... Top Ten Reasons for Babylon 5's Slow Computer Voice 10. Most of the folks on B5 are from the south, and like to take life at a slightly more relaxed pace. 9. Fear of computers has reached epidemic proportions by 2258, mandating that computer voices talk slowly so people are less scared of them. 8. An extremely complex user interface makes changing the voice speed virtually impossible. 7. B5, built with trailing-edge technology, had to settle for a voice synthesizer someone found at a garage sale. 6. The batteries are low. 5. The lengths of the pauses and the amount of time taken to pronounce words is an extremely subtle high-security information transfer mechanism. 4. The slow voice speed is a long-running and spectacularly unsuccessful gag being played by Garibaldi and Sinclair. 3. The voice seems much faster to the people actually on B5, due to relativistic effects. 2. The bug fix didn't quite make it into the latest software release. 1. The voice used to be faster but it annoyed Ivanova in the morning. --Tom K. NOTE: If you have a heart condition, read this post at your own risk. Reading the following post may cause psychological stress. TEN WORST NIGHTMARES OF B5 FANS (10) 2 minutes before "Chrysalis": "THE ONLY TAPE LEFT IS MY COPY OF THE PARLIAMENT OF DREAMS?!!? BUT IT'S STOPPED AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PROPHECY SCENE!" (9) Local station decides to swap the airtimes for Kung Fu and B5 without prior notice during the 3rd week of October. "Grasshopper, your VCR now occupies a new level of consciousness..." (8) "We now leave our election coverage to join Babylon 5, already in progress..." (7) Local station's sound guy accidentally plays the sound for "Dune" instead of "Chrysalis." (6) Someone's news server begins spewing hundreds of bogus messages to rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5, just after JMS drops a Hint(tm) about The Story Arc(tm). (5) "Signs and Portents? Is that, like, a new set of options for a CPU? Guess nobody'll care if we use this tape for SeaQuest..." (4) Zima hires Barney as a spokescreature for 5 new commercials. (3) The VCR goes SPOING! just as the episode title "Chrysalis" appears on the screen. (2) Local station decides to trim the opening credits to save airtime, and implements this policy with "Points of Departure." (1) "Mr. Straczynski, we here at Warner had overlooked the fact that Babylon 5's 1st season began in *January*, so we'd like to reschedule the airdate of Chrysalis..." --------------------------------------------------------------------- | Michele L. Worley | Standard disclaimers apply. | | worley@cs.ucf.edu | | | UCF Computer Vision Laboratory| | --------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes, it's me again... the same guy who did the Top 10 ways B5 gets destroyed. I've got another top ten list ready, this one dealing with the events in the episode "Babylon Squared". For those who haven't seen every episode, there are minor spoilers/references to Parliament of Dreams and The Quality of Mercy as well. Sprinkle with smilies, and cook with a low flame... (I hope this isn't needed, since I doubt any of these ever ocurred to JMS, but just in case...) DISCLAIMER: I hereby place all story ideas presented in the public domain. TOP TEN REASONS WHY BABYLON 4 IS NEEDED IN THE FUTURE 10. Lennier wanted a new punching bag. 9. Humans wanted to film the most annoying Doublemint Gum commercial of all time. 8. The One wanted to keep Kochanski and the rest of the Red Dwarf crew from dying when the drive plate ruptured. 7. Cheesy ^H^H^H^H^H^H Easy way for JMS to have Denise Crosby as a guest star. 6. Playroom needed for Ivanova's tots, and Sinclair's duck needed a place to build a nest. 5. Storage space needed for now worthless copies of X-Men #1 and stacks of Magic: The Gathering cards. 4. Sinclair was too cheap to pay for a hotel room for his and Delenn's wedding night. 3. Dumping ground for the Universal Toxin: ZIMA! 2. Time-travelling police boxes have gone out of style. And the number one reason why B4 is needed in the future: Five words: "Jeff and Delenn's _EXCELLENT_ Adventure" Joe Delisle jd@clark.net Top Ten Reasons to Have Delenn as Your Girlfriend 10. No annoying waiting while she gets her hair "just right." 9. She has her own wheels. 8. Antigravity rings have uses which probably cannot be shown on U.S. TV, and which certainly cannot be shown on U.K. TV. 7. You get to attend important diplomatic functions and make funny faces at Ambassador Kosh while he's not looking. 6. It's easy to get Lennier to work on your bike. 5. You can use her triluminary to burn ants when she's away. 4. You can find out what *really* happened at The Battle of the Line. 3. You get to eat those tasty red fruits as between-meals snacks. 2. You can get into the Grey Council chambers after hours to play with the spotlights. 1. You get to find out what other things cause her forehead triangle to appear. --Tom K. Top ten reasons why Sinclair is better Than Kirk & Picard 1. *no one* on Babylon 5 would be caught dead in "soft light" 2. Commander Sinclair does not jump the bones of every pretty alien, not does he bore us with morally pendantic tirades. 3. Commander Sinclair doesn't wave his hands around, dramatically emphasize every-other-word, nor pull his shirt down when he gives a speech... 4. Sinclair Growls instead of yells.. (I think that's *sexy*) 5. Sinclair is not *above* being part of a practical joke.... 6. Sinclair acts more like a klingon, and we all know they have more balls.... 7. Kirk would try to pound a straight answer out of Kosh. while Picard would say "OOO that's deep" and act like he understands.. 8. Sinclair's hole is much more interesting than Kirk's virility and Picard's bald head. 9. Navy blue is my favorite color... 10. Kirk had a potbelly, and Picard is too skinny, Sinclair fits that nice navy-blue uniform JUST *right*... ********************************************** * What did the blonde get on her IQ test? * * * * drool. ^^^^^^^BLONDIE * * blondie@nevada.edu * ********************************************** *A New Babylon 5 Top Ten List* AND TONIGHT'S TOP-TEN CATEGORY IS: Top Ten Difficulties Running a Restaurant on Babylon 5 10. Ambassador Kosh refuses to provide the kitchen staff with Vorlon recipes ("They are not for you"). 9. Talia Winters always orders the daily special--*before* a waiter can hand her a menu. 8. The Centauri chef refuses to wear a hairnet in the kitchen. 7. Ambassador Delenn insists that all Jell-O molds be triangular. 6. Accidental mixing of Zima and Spoo releases toxic nerve gas. 5. The accountant assigned to keep track of Ambassador Mollari's tab is named Zathras--and he's "not very good with numbers." 4. Ambassador G'Kar keeps pestering the waitresses about "room service." 3. Everytime a waiter tries to take Mr. Morden's order, he replies, "What do *you* want?" 2. Commander Sinclair orders a five-course meal, then disappears after the first course. AND, FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE DIFFICULTY RUNNING A RESTAURANT ON BABYLON 5: 1. Have you ever tried to clean up after a Pak'ma'ra food fight? *************************************************************************** ***** sorso@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu ***** "Every silver lining has a cloud." ***** *************************************************************************** -- The Top Ten Lines You'll Never Hear on Babylon-5 (Guess why) by Alexei Kosut akosut@nueva.pvt.k12.ca.us This has been placed in the public domain. JMS, eat your heart out :) Also, I've seen some of these before, sorry for not attributing them to you if you wrote them. 10. Sinclair: "Engage" 9. Anybody: "The Prime Directive" 8. Bester: "I am looking for the nuclear wessels" 7. Ivonava: "Hailing frequencies open, Commander." 6. Anyone: "Beam me up." 5. The computer: "Working..." 4. Londo: "The First Rule of Aquisition: Once you have your money, you never give it back." 3. Anyone: "Energize" 2. Franklin: "He's dead, Jeff" and the number one line you won't hear on Babylon-5: 1. Ivonava: "I'm a Russian, not a doctor." += Alexei Kosut akosut@nueva.pvt.k12.ca.us == Pass the Prozac, please =+ | __ ___ ___ __ ___ __ // _____________________________________| | / / / _// _// / / _// | // Director of Miscellania | | / /_ / _ / _// /_ / _ / / // The DALnet IRC Network | | /___//__//_/ /___//__//_/_| // /server jive.rahul.net 6668 | += http://www.nueva.pvt.k12.ca.us/~akosut/ ==============================+ Knowing how JMS likes to play with our minds, I have compiled the following list: TOP TEN REASONS THERE IS NO ROCK AND ROLL ON BABYLON 5: 10) The mic's are wired 9) The Special Effects are shot 8) The Lighting Tech is in the dark 7) The Sound Tech is cranked 6) The Guitarist's have been axed 5) The Bass's are loaded 4) The Horn section is blown 3) The Piano Player has been fingered 2) The Drummer is beat And the number one reason that there is no Rock and Roll on Babylon 5: The promoter has set you up! [:>] "Paper work is the embalming fluid of Bureaucracy, maintaining an appearance of life where none exists" - Robert J. Meltzer -- Steven "Ask me for a PLAN to get out of DEBT" DiFranco ][No one is really what they APPEAR to be ][ My universe runs on enlightened self-interest; helping others achieve financial independence; and Cheez-Whiz ][ My views belong to myself and not Primerica Financial Services ][ This space for rent] (Yes, B5 is not trek. Woo.) 10. "Mr. Garibaldi? There's a problem." 9. "That information is need-to-know only, and you definitely need to know, so listen up." 8. "This is bullshit!" 7. "We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already in progress." knock on wood 6. "Ah, Ambassador Kosh - I was expecting you." 5. "There is a hole... in your bucket... dear Liza... dear Liza..." 4. "Sorry, never heard of it." 3. "Za, ba, ga, bee... Za, ba, ga, bee..." never EVER again, that is 2. "My conscience is clean." And the number one line you'll never hear on Babylon 5.... 1. "There's something coming through the jumpgate. It's very small!" -Matthew Ryan, mbr2@kimbark.uchicago.edu Curious Of All Natures AND TONIGHT'S TOP-TEN CATEGORY IS: Top Ten Babylon 5 Babcom Answering Machine Messages 10. "This is Morden. What do you want?" 9. "This is Jason Ironheart. Please leave a message at the tone, and I'll get back to you in a million years." 8. "This is G'Kar. Expect me, when you hear me." 7. "This is Lady Ladira. I knew you'd call." 6. "You have reached the quarters of Ambassador Kosh Naranek. At the sound of the harp glissando, please leave a two-word message." 5. "I'm sorry, your call to Ambassador Mollari's quarters cannot be completed at this time. All six of the Ambassador's lines are otherwise engaged." 4. "This is Zathras. At sound of tone, time will be . . . will be . . . will be . . . sorry, Zathras not good with numbers." 3. "This is Lieutenant Commander Susan Ivanova. At the sound of the recorded BOOM!, you will leave your name and your message, or I shall rip your lungs out. You will wait for the recorded BOOM! Sooner or later, BOOM! *BOOM!*" 2. "I'm sorry. Babcom service to Commander Sinclair's quarters has been temporarily disconnected." AND THE NUMBER ONE BABYLON 5 BABCOM ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE IS: 1. "You have reached the chrysalis of Ambassador Delenn. Unfortunately, the Ambassador cannot come to the screen now because she is engaged in a hair-raising adventure." *************************************************************************** ***** sorso@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu ***** "Every silver lining has a cloud." ***** *************************************************************************** My top 5 poetic justices. 5. He gets transferred to Star Trek. 4. G'kar takes a fancy to him. 3. Londo takes a fancy to him! 2. He starts a punch up with Lennier. 1. He gets a really bad case of Male Pattern Baldness... overnight! David B. Top Ten Bestselling Books in Babylon 5 [possible mild spoilers through, say, Chrysalis] 10. "Becoming Whole" -- Sinclair 9. "Healing is My Life" -- Dr. Franklin 8. "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" -- Lennier 7. "The Art of the Deal" -- Morden 6. "Sex and the Single Narn" -- G'Kar 5. "Making Friends and Influencing People" -- Bester 4. "Minbari Makeovers" -- Delenn 3. "1001 Card Tricks" -- Londo 2. "Walking Tall" -- Garibaldi and the top selling book on Babylon 5: 1. "The Inner Child" -- Kosh larry crawford "Talk is cheap, but so are you." psychology dept -- "No Nose Blues" univ of georgia athens, ga 30602 "putting the psycho in psychobiology" crawford@uga.cc.uga.edu AND TONIGHT'S TOP-TEN CATEGORY IS: Top Ten Nightmares Dreamed by Captain John Sheridan Since Assuming Command of Babylon 5 10. C&C informs him that a Minbari warship named the "Clytemnestra" just came through the jump gate. 9. MedLab's chief psychiatrist invites him in for a little chat about delivering soliloquies when no one is listening. 8. The station personnel office replaces the human barber assigned to Earth Force officers with a Centauri hair stylist. 7. Instead of the usual "Za, ba, ga, bee," Lennier is constantly heard chanting, "Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin." 6. He has less than five minutes to prepare yet another stirring, uplifting speech to inspire his crew, and he can't find his copy of *Bartlett's Familiar Quotations*. 5. Security reports that a crazed butterfly-collector is chasing Ambassador Delenn up and down the length of the station. 4. Earth Force Intelligence intercepts a Vorlon transmission about "removing another piece from the chessboard." 3. Elizabeth Sheridan arranges to pay a return visit to Babylon 5 by booking the Edmund Fitzgerald Suite on the Hindenburg Deck of the luxury spaceliner Titanic, which is due to arrive at the station on Friday the thirteenth. 2. Citrus blight wipes out the Babylon 5 orange crop, with the result that the station's last, best hope for Vitamin C is its stock of kumquat-flavored Zima. AND THE NUMBER ONE NIGHTMARE DREAMED BY CAPTAIN JOHN SHERIDAN SINCE ASSUMING COMMAND OF BABYLON 5 IS: 1. It's the middle of December, and everyone aboard the station is singing that damned "Twelve Days of Chrysalis"! *************************************************************************** ***** sorso@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu ***** "Every silver lining has a cloud." ***** *************************************************************************** Top-10 reasons for building Babylon 5 ====================================== 10) Tax write-off for Lockheed. 9) They wanted to try ZZomething different. 8) Really cheap after discovery of a planet where money really does grow on trees. 7) "Welcome to Babylon 5." "Three, sir!" "Three! Babylon 3!" 6) Same old story: drunk Congressmen and naked blondes on a slow cruise past Uranus. 5) Needed a restroom stop between here and the Centuari Republic. 4) EuroDisney was such a good idea, why not GalaticDisney? 3) Only safe place considering wide-spread crime in American cities. 2) Would serve as a defensible outpost against Cylon tyranny (sorry...that's on the wrong list...that's from "Top 10 Reasons to Build 'Battlestar Galactica'") 1) Three words: Fabulous Alien Babes! Original contributions from: -- Parag Patel parag@netcom.com -- Dave Seagle uds02@mailhost.unidata.com -- Steve Sharp sharp@craycos.com AND TONIGHT'S TOP TEN CATEGORY IS: Top Ten Newly-Discovered "Lost" Episodes of *Babylon 5* 10. "Symphony in a Minor Key" Intrigue abounds when the Narns send their Homeworld Symphony Orchestra on a good-will visit to Babylon 5. Will Ambassador Mollari demand a forensic analysis of the Narns' flutes? Why have the Narns put Haydn's *Surprise Symphony* on the program? And what are "the twenty-three ways a Thenta Makur assassin can kill with a bassoon"? 9. "Odd Woman Out" A-Story: A rogue Technomage unleashes a computer demon that breaches the security of MedLab's patient files. Scandal ensues when it is learned that Talia Winters is the only person aboard Babylon 5 who is not bisexual. B-Story: Captain Sheridan frets over the menu for the dinner party he intends to host when Ambassador Sinclair visits the station on a vacation from his duties on Minbar. After weighty deliberation, Sheridan settles on a main course of roast duck with orange sauce. 8. "C.I.C.A.D.A." When the Home Guard sabotages Babylon 5's Zima processing plant, the resulting explosion confines Dr. Franklin to a wheelchair. Determined to regain his mobility and punish those responsible for his injuries, he designs an electro-mechanical exoskeleton that . . . Never mind, somebody else already found this episode. 7. " Click Glissando Thud " [No synopsis is available. The Vorlon Empire has determined that you are not ready for this episode.] 6. "Greensleeves" Security Chief Garibaldi's successful campaign to have the BabCom entertainment channel play old tapes of *The Muppet Show* yields unanticipated results. Commander Ivanova's diplomatic skills are tested to the limit when the Drazi ambassador angrily protests "the deliberate provocation" of Kermit the Frog singing "It's Not Easy Being Green." 5. "Q-Tip" Guest star John DeLancie materializes in C&C and announces his intention "to explain everything" to Captain Sheridan. Before the captain can come to C&C, Ambassador Kosh rushes in with a baseball bat and pounds DeLancie back into the alternative universe from which he came. 4. "The Skin of Our Teeth" Anton Chekhov's First Rule of Playwriting ("If there is a gun on the wall in act one, scene one, you must fire the gun by act three, scene two. If a gun is fired in act three, scene two, you must see the gun on the wall in act one, scene one.") is fulfilled when we finally learn why Captain Sheridan smiles so much. But after Sheridan uses his teeth to save Babylon 5 from annihilation, we are left with yet another unresolved arc question: What is inside that hollow bicuspid? 3. "A Voice in the Wilderness Eyes the Quality of Mercy at the Gathering of Believers, Soul Mates Born to the Purple, GROPOS, Deathwalker, and Chrysalis Survivors at Midnight on the Firing Line of the Points of Departure in the Long Dark Parliament of Dreams for a Race Through Dark Places and the Sky Full of Stars by Any Means Necessary to a Distant Star All Alone in the Night of the War Prayer, Mind War, Infection, Legacies, Revelations, Signs and Portents, Acts of Sacrifice, and the Coming of Shadows." The title just about says it all. 2. "Bab Rock" Guest writer Steven Bochco contributes an episode in which cast members break into song as the story unfolds. Highlights include a leather-clad Lennier's heavy-metal "Understanding Is Not Required--Only Obedience;" Na'Toth's plaintive ballad, "I Can't Ignore the Narn Next Door;" and a soft-shoe routine in which Ambassadors Sinclair and Delenn plot to steal Babylon 4 in three-quarter time. AND THE NUMBER ONE NEWLY-DISCOVERED "LOST" EPISODE OF *BABYLON 5* IS: 1. "Morden, She Wrote" A major fifth-season WHAM! episode intended to resolve years and years of incredibly tangled plot lines: The One sends Zathras time-traveling back to twentieth-century Earth to bring Jessica Fletcher from Cabot Cove to Babylon 5. After noticing how far a sprig of parsley has sunk into a murdered Narn's uneaten bowl of spoo, and after holding two-minute conversations with each of the major-power ambassadors, Jessica foils the Shadows, exposes Bureau 13, explains who devised the assassination attempt on Ambassador Kosh in "The Gathering," establishes peace throughout the galaxy, and enables a pair of troubled lovers to marry and find long-term happiness together. *************************************************************************** ***** sorso@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu ***** "Every silver lining has a cloud." ***** *************************************************************************** ************ "You have entirely too much time on your hands." ************* *************************************************************************** From the people who brought you "Top 10 Reasons Babylon 4 Disappeared".... Dave: Tonight's top ten list comes as always from the home office in New San Diego. The original San Diego, as you know, is still considered too radioactive for occupancy. Paul: That's why they built the new one. Dave: That's right, Paul, that's why they built the new one. Out in space somewhere. Paul: Where exactly? Dave: Out there! (Points in general upward direction.) Go to the transfer point at Io, make a left, keep going a couple of trillion miles, and you're there. Paul: Imagine that! Dave: Are you finished? Paul: Yes. Dave: Anyway, as you know, last Saturday was New Year's Day, and you know what that means? Paul: No, what? Dave: A new voiceover. Paul: Really? Dave: That's right. Probably the biggest change in the voiceover is the announcement that this is the year the Great War comes upon us all. Here then are the top 10 reasons that will happen. Paul: So of all the reasons the Great War comes upon us all, these are the top ten? Dave: Yes, Paul. Once again you have captured the very essence of this list. So here they are, the Top Ten Reasons the Great War Will Come Upon Us All. Number Ten! 10. Leader of the Wind Swords clan called a "bonehead" one time too many. 9. Ambassador Londo Mollari of Babylon 5 told Ambassador Kosh to "Bite Me", and he did. 8. The Drazzi selected a color-blind leader. (Well, that'll do it right there.) 7. President Clark refuses demands to stop broadcasting episodes of "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" into Narn space. 6. Morden knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men. (I have no idea what that means.) 5. Babylon 4 reappears in the Grey Council leader's parking space. 4. A bloody riot breaks out at a science fiction convention when it is rumored Paramount is considering cancelling "Star Trek: the Generation in the Ship which goes back and forth through time uncontrollably". 3. A planet is discovered which is ruled by a civilization of sentient giant toads. (I'm sorry, that's one of the top 10 reasons the Great Warts come upon us all.) 2. Scarcity of resources and the history of oppression on the Narn homeworld resulting in a heavily militaristic society, combined with decreasing power and prestige of the Centauri empire making the Centauri Republic increasingly vulnerable to radicalism, and the socio-economic forces leading to war are inevitable. Besides, the Narn and Centauri enjoy kicking each other's butts. And the number one reason the Great War will come upon as all: 1. You don't get to the Third Age of mankind just by creating a new alcoholic beverage. Dave: We'll be right back with George Burns after these messages. -- Lee Whiteside leew@indirect.com, P14942@email.mot.com 76044,502 CIS, L.WHITESIDE GEnie SYSOP of the Magrathea BBS (602) 833-9216 [On Hiatus] SFTV Episode List maintainer (available at ftp.hyperion.com in /pub/TV) Direct from the home office of Kiro City on Centauri Prime, it's yet another: Top Ten Things You Will Never See Or Hear On Babylon 5: Entry 4 of tonight's Top Ten list is dedicated to Canada's second most beloved Band Leader, Mr. Paul Schaffer. 10. Londo treats Kosh to a drink at the Zocolo and discusses shop. 9. Delenn and Catherine Sakai in a cat-fight over J.D. Sinclair. 8. Somebody watching an episode of Twilight Zone or the Real Ghostbusters with JMS in the credits or a JMS novel. (At least we've seen H.E.'s work.) 7. A reference to Iceland. 6. A Frenchman whose favorite author is Shakespear. 5. Laurel Takashima and John Sheridan in the same camera shot. 4. Montreal -- Sorry, that's from "Top Ten Places You'll Never See Babylon SQUARED." 3. Someone goes to the B5 video store and rents the Laser Disc for that weeks episode in order to find out what to do next. (Hey, it worked for Spaceballs. :) 2. Susan Ivanova and Talia Winters having telepathic sex. And the Number One thing you'll never see or hear on Babylon 5. . . 1. "Jumpin' Jehosephat" (Hey, at least I didn't suggest "Reverse the Polarity of the Neutron Flow.") Jeffrey. Next week: Top Ten words misspelled in this posting. . . Dark Horse, The Techno Mage of Gallifrey. (timelord@cs.mcgill.ca) wrote: : Direct from the home office of Kiro City on Centauri Prime, it's yet : another: : Top Ten Things You Will Never See Or Hear On Babylon 5: : Entry 4 of tonight's Top Ten list is dedicated to Canada's second : most beloved Band Leader, Mr. Paul Schaffer. : 10. Londo treats Kosh to a drink at the Zocolo and discusses shop. "So, what did you make in shop class, Ambassador?" "burble Encounter...suit" : 9. Delenn and Catherine Sakai in a cat-fight over J.D. Sinclair. I am Catwoman. Hear me purr. : 8. Somebody watching an episode of Twilight Zone or the Real Ghostbusters : with JMS in the credits or a JMS novel. (At least we've seen H.E.'s : work.) "Hello, Susan, what are you doing?" "I'm watching a JMS novel." "Anything happening?" "So far, it's just sitting there." : 7. A reference to Iceland. Or West Chester, PA. : 6. A Frenchman whose favorite author is Shakespeare. And pronounces his name "John Luke." : 5. Laurel Takashima and John Sheridan in the same camera shot. Don't count this one out yet. : 4. Montreal -- Sorry, that's from "Top Ten Places You'll Never See Babylon : SQUARED." B^2 was censored by the Canadian authorities because of the "Power Rangers" flap. They were afraid children would imitate the episode and begin vanishing into the future. : 3. Someone goes to the B5 video store and rents the Laser Disc for that : weeks episode in order to find out what to do next. (Hey, it worked : for Spaceballs. :) But not very well. : 2. Susan Ivanova and Talia Winters having telepathic sex. They hold hands and think dirty thoughts. : And the Number One thing you'll never see or hear on Babylon 5. . . : 1. "Jumpin' Jehosephat" (Hey, at least I didn't suggest "Reverse the : Polarity of the Neutron Flow.") "The offog came apart under gravitational stress." : Jeffrey. David Homerick sac50552@saclink.csus.edu Direct from the home office of Kiro City on Centauri Prime, it's: Top Ten Narn Children's names: 10. T'kee'la 9. G'quack 8. B'tros-B'tros 7. K'wen (Jewish Narns only) 6. Str'chn'sk' 5. G'look-P'kar 4. Tu'pai 3. Fred 2. G'kar'pet And the number one Narn children's name: 1. Ugly bald reptilian marsupial! -- (%) By order of the High Council of Time Lords on Gallifrey (%) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ "All through the day, I Me Mine." | And The Dark Horse ~,-;` --- George Harrison | Rides On. . . TX TL from the home office somewhere underneath suburban kansas city, missouri... the top ten Babylon 5 phrases that sound dirty but really aren't. 10. firing the PPG 9. energizing the Defense Grid 8. "my second-favorite thing in the universe" 7. progamming the jumpgate 6. G'Kar's panties (oh, sorry. that's the top ten Babylon 5 phrases that sound dirty but really *are*) 5. playing poker with Londo 4. launching Delta Wing 3. hiring the telepath 2. meeting the Vorlon and the number one Babylon 5 phrase that sounds dirty but really isn't: 1. WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! --dennis Sorry this is late but I got back kinda late last evening and forgot Babylon 5 was on. Plum missed the first 15 minutes of 'G.R.O.P.O.S.', and was depressed the rest on the evening and hardly in the mood to post this week's Top Ten. And now! Direct from the home office of Kiro City on Centauri Prime, it's: Top Ten Drazi Pick-up [chat-up] lines: 10. You green. Me green. Buy you drink? 9. Could have been in Mu'tai, but old war wound make impossible. 8. You like Narn Opera? 7. "How many humans it take to change light bulb?" "None. Light bulb secede from Earth Alliance before it screwed in." 6. I have plan. You, me and cat, we go to Fiji. We sell doughnuts. (Lister Drazi only) 5. Centauri may have 8, but Drazi know how use it better. 4. Drazi color not only thing purple. 3. You no want go out with human. Drazi better. Drazi language not cluttered with useless articles. 2. Drazi would have killed Deathwalker, but stupid Vorlons beat us to it. And the number one Drazi Pick-up line: 1. Come, let me buy you plate of Spoo. Next Week: Top Ten Foods Served at Fresh Air Resturant! Jeffrey. -- (%) By order of the High Council of Time Lords on Gallifrey (%) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ "All through the day, I Me Mine." | And The Dark Horse ~,-;` --- George Harrison | Rides On. . . TX TL Top Ten Signs That You've Enjoyed Babylon 5 Too Much by Mohammad Khan It Be Public Domain 10. When your Significant Other asks about his or her outfit, you turn and say: "cute.. but in purple, you'd be STUNNING!!" 9. You constantly insist that people greet you with "Hello, Old Friend", yet you terminate converstions with "Be Seeing You." 8. You contemplate purchasing a cat so that you can name it Kosh and watch it chase mice out of the shadows. 7. Desperate for Kosh clues, you look up "Vorlon" in the dictionary. 6. You can correctly pronounce and spell "straczynski." 5. You fanatically guard for the phrase "what do you want", yet you try to find any opportunity to slip it into conversation. 4. With popcorn and a B5 tape in hand, you turn to your Significant Other and ask if they'd like to see your second most favorite thing in the universe. 3. Desperate for arc clues, you aquire tapes of "The Lone Ranger", "Twilight Zone", "The Outer Limits", "Tron", "Lost in Space", "The Prisoner", and every Daffy Duck cartoon that you can find! 2. Unable to find an empty tape, you decide to tape B5 over that home video of your family picnic, your child's graduation, your wedding... And the number one sign that you've enjoyed Babylon 5 too much is... 1. You paint your walls blue and stick a window on the floor of your room. From: unclemilo@aol.com (Uncle Milo) From the home office on Mars Colony.... The top 10 list of who Kosh isn't....... 10. Waldo 9. Elvis 8. Andy Kauffman 7. Ming the Merciless 6. Those glowing guys from Cocoon 5. Yet another Dr. Doom back-up robot. 4. Gilbert Goddfriet 3. ANYONE from Star Trek: TNG (including clones and evil twins) 2. Charlton Heston 1. "Rosebud" Uncle Milo up way too late.... From: timelord@cs.mcgill.ca (Dark Horse, The Techno Mage of Gallifrey.) This weeks Top Ten list is a little different from previous weeks in that the entire list is taken as a whole, and not each item individually. You'll see what I mean when you read it. Direct from the home office of Kiro City on Centauri Prime, it's: Top Ten Foods Served at Fresh Air Resturant: 10. Egg and Bacon 9. Egg, Sausage and Bacon 8. Egg and Spoo 7. Egg, Bacon and Spoo 6. Egg, Bacon, Sausage and Spoo 5. Spoo, Bacon, Sausage and Spoo 4. Spoo, Egg, Spoo, Spoo, Bacon and Spoo 3. Spoo, Spoo, Spoo, Egg and Spoo 2. Spoo, Spoo, Spoo, Spoo, Spoo, Spoo, Baked Beans, Spoo, Spoo, Spoo and Spoo And the number one Food Served at Fresh Air Resturant (All together now): 1. Lobster Thermidor aux Crevettes with a Morney Sauce Garnished with a Truffle P^at'e [Pate], Brandy And a Fried Egg on Top And a Side Order of Spoo Promptly followed by the popular Narn Opera by Sher'l-K'row, "All I Wanna Do Is Eat Some Spoo Until the Sun Comes up on the Mountains of G'Quan Holiday." From: judge@atl1.america.net (Dirk A Loedding) A reader in the ILink Babylon 5 conference posted this, and gave me permission to post it here: Top ten reasons why Kosh will leave his encounter suit: 10. Mistaken for a trash dumpster. 9. Ash tray is full. 8. Suit needs 30,000 mile service. 7. Sells suit for a remake of Lost in Space. 6. Garibaldi glues a lenscap on his eye. 5. Helmet needs a new roll of film. 4. Time for a bath. 3. Morden puts Crazy Glue on the deck. 2. Finally gets an appointment with Londo's hairdresser. 1. Ivanova tells him to. From: jlesgold@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Jacob Lesgold) And now, from the home office on Ragesh III, the top ten movies that could spin off from Babylon 5: 10) A Fish Called Londo 9) Disney's The Vorlon King 8) The Never-Ending Centauri 7) G'Kar 54, Where Are You? 6) Delenn Me a Tenor 5) Lennier and Present Danger 4) Sinclair's List 3) Just Kosh 2) Refa Madness and the number one movie that might spin off from Babylon 5: 1) Cape Vir (several entries courtesy of Jeff Williamson; I found the rest growing in my bathtub...) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5 ----Top 10 Rejected Second Season Eps- #10:"In Jeers Find Me"; A new establishment in the Zoccalo causes the crew to derelict its duties and spend all the time drinking there. Guest Stars:George Wendt, Christe Allie. #9:"Lost in Grid Epslion" Lennier bumps his head and runs around the station yelling "Dr. Smith? Dr. Smith?" Guest Star:June Lockhart #8:"TROFF" Aldas returns from the dead and goes back to B5. He grows real big and Sheridan has to destroy him. Guest Stars:David Waren,Jeff Bridges, Christy Morgan #7:"Babylon nTH" Sheridan gets trapped in a time warp. Londo gets drunk, Delenn gets mugged. Talia finds new love...with a plant! Guest Stars:Dr. Ruth Westheimer #6:"Babylon 1/2" A troubled Japanese youth comes to B5 looking for a cure for his Aquatransexuality. Guest Star/Writer:Rumiko Takahashi #5:"No New Faxes" Prez. Clarke is assissanted when he refuses to extend the budget for B5 to by G'Kar a new fax machine. Guest Star:Yahoo Serious,Weird Al Yankovic #4:"Bummer Of Love" A new drink at Jeers causes lifetime drunkeness. Guest Stars:Elvis Presley, Tommy Lee #3:"Within his own lifetime, nevermore" After being struck by lightning, Dr. Sam Beckett leaps into Sheridan, who has to stop a war between rival factions of Minbari. Guest Stars:Scott Bakula, Dean Stockwell #2:(Untitled) Londo gets a haircut, kills the barber. Guest Stars:The guy who played Mot in TNG and the #1 rejected episode for the 2nd season...... #1:"Up in smoke" The station explodes when Garabaldi drops a cigarrete into a certain toilet. -Kensu Here's the #11th rejected episode. #11:"Mollari's Planet" Mollari has another of his precognitive dreams. In it he's back to his light-hearted ways. He and others of the cast crash on a planet ("Look out, Garabaldi!") Garabaldi starts trying to make the craft spaceworthy again ("Thanks, Londo."). Dr. Franklin tries to change the ships holoviewer into a transmitter, but instead receives a transmission stating that the planet is going to be destroyed to make way for a new jumpgate. Talia is constantly switching her long thick uniform for other, identical uniforms she had in a big trunk. Ivanova remains calm and practical as Russian country girls should (when she's not tearing throats out). And then there's the Sheridans. Needless to say, hilarity results. Original "Gilligan's Island" cast members to guest star. With slight modifications, the script will now be used on the 24 May episode of "Roseanne". Rodney Walker From: foxtrot@cc.gatech.edu (J.D. Forinash) 12: Babylon Florida Londo remembers his comment about Centauri becoming a tourist attaction, and builds an amusement park on the station. Dr. Franklin also gets a peek inside Kosh's encounter suit when Kosh loses his lunch on the 'Land Mountain' roller coaster and someone has to clean up the mess. Another war is almost started when Ivanova shoots an octogenarian Narn for driving 20mph in the fast lane with the left turn signal on. From: d_pilato@michsb.trw.com (Dean C. Pilato) Top ten reasons why Minbari don't lie ================================================== 10) They studder uncontrollably. 9) You don't need to lie if you always talk in riddles. 8) Can't be beat out by that Spock guy. 7) Would Billy Mumy lie to you? 6) Honesty is the best policy. That, and genociding races that pick a fight with them. 5) They wanted to be different. 4) It's the honorable thing to do. 3) Trying to set a good example for other races who do pesky stunts like making fake distress calls. 2) Lying makes their head crests grow. AND...the number one reason why Minbari don't lie: 1) Because Kosh told them not to. Top ten April Fools jokes to play while on B5 ================================================== 10) Put all the wrist comms on call waiting. 9) Replace Londo's hair cream with Nair. 8) Reverse the contents of the oxygen and laughing gas bottles in Doctor Franklin's lab. 7) Reprogram the jumpgates to make their destinations totally random. 6) Remove the fuses from the Star Fury launch mechanisms. 5) Spin doctor the alien greetings at the docking area and make the greetings mortal insults instead. 4) Put in an urgent call to Sheraden and tell him that 27 jumpgates are forming around the station. 3) Put the Narn and Centauri delegations in adjoining rooms. 2) Rearrange the lights so that weird shadows are cast everywhere. AND...the number one April Fools joke to play while on B5: 1) Dress up like Kosh and run towards the escape pods with a large suitcase. From: orso steven n sorso@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu Question: What got you in this business? Andrea: Ingrid Bergman in *Casablanca*. I thought if I could just do that, if I could be only a fraction as good as she was, that I would be happy for the rest of my life. --Extract from the America On-Line Forum with Andrea Thompson AND TONIGHT'S TOP-TEN CATEGORY IS . . . . Top Ten Remakes of *Casablanca* Now Playing at the Babylon 5 Multi-Plex 10. The Earth Alliance *Casablanca*: "I wasn't sure you were the same. Let's see, the last time we met . . ." "It was *La Belle Aurore*." "How nice. You remembered. But of course, that was the day the Germans marched into Paris." "Not an easy day to forget." "No." "I remember every detail. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue. Then suddenly, without explanation, the Germans surrendered." 9. The Minbari *Casablanca*: "Who are you really? And what were you before? What did you do and what did you think? Huh?" "Jeffrey, we said 'no questions'." "Here's looking at you, Delenn." 8. The Psi Corps *Casablanca*: "A franc for your thoughts. Never mind, I already know them." 7. The Centauri *Casablanca*: "I am shocked, SHOCKED to find that gambling ISN'T going on here." 6. The Drazi *Casablanca*: "Remember every detail. Germans wore green. You wore purple." 5. The C&C *Casablanca*: "Was that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?" "Boom today, boom tomorrow. Look, someone's got to keep some damned perspective around here. Sooner or later: Boom!" 4. The Shadow *Casablanca*: "Londo, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." 3. The Pak'ma'ra *Casablanca*: "Major Strasser's been shot! Round up the usual dinner guests!" 2. The Babylon 4 *Casablanca*: "Play it, Zathras. Play 'As Time Goes By'." AND FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE REMAKE OF *CASABLANCA* NOW PLAYING AT THE BABYLON 5 MULTI-PLEX IS . . . 1. The Vorlon *Casablanca*: Whirr! Click! Wind chime! Thunk! "Rosebud." From: ferguson@netins.net (Jason M Ferguson) Subject: Top Ten Ways to Know When a Death will occur on B5 10: An unknown person says "Gee, I wonder who flies those ships with all the spines on it?" 9: Some bigwig annoys Ivonova 8: Some bigwig annoys Geribaldi 7: Ambasador Kosh wears a black encounter suit. 6: A Star Fury goes up against anything more powerful that a package of lifesavers. 5: Someone tells Bester that his fashion sense is disgusting. 4: Londo wants somebody's job. 3: The Agamemnon appears. 2: Earth Force comes up with another money-making idea. and the number one way to know when someone is gonna die: 1: Morden appears and wonders "gee, is this thing set to stun?" From: Chris Schumacher cschumacher@delphi.com 10. A man wearing a toilet-seat on his head arrives at your door at 6 AM and says "There is a hole in your mind!" and leaves. 9.You wake up and find the Centauri Emporer's wig in your bed. 8.You recieve a package with no return address. It contains a tape of "There All The Honor Lies" with an omnious note saying "You are the bear" 7.Everynight for the past two weeks someone has called at 3 AM and asks "What do you want?" 6.The shadows in your house move when you're not looking at them. 5.During the latest episode, Sheridan turns to the camera and says "I'm going to kill you ,(insert your name here)" 4.A guest dressed like a ranger follows you around everywhere you go. 3.You get stabbed in the gut and branded. (A La "War Prayer") 2.Paramount sends you flowers and a sympathy card. And, the #1 sing that JMS might be mad at you........ 1. When you do the "beep-beep" thing with your pen, Kosh appears out of nowhere, grabs you and says "There are somethings that we just don't do!" From: mcriley@BIX.com (mcriley on BIX) Top 10 reasons to invest your 401K savings in Babylon 5 properties 10. Narnskin shoes and purses may be coming back in style. 9. The Vidal Sassoon Hair Academy is opening a branch campus in the Centauri section of the station. 8. The Drazi factor: There is a historical correlation between the length of the purple/green conflict and the bullishness of the market. 7. Two words: Spoo futures. 6. Someone had the good sense to answer: "A sustainably expanding economy that while permitting localized fluctuations of wealth and economic activity overall provides financial opportunities and a steady, evenly paced increase in general economic well-being." 5. The Bab-Bear-lon 5 teddy bear is all the rage on Earth and the Non- Aligned worlds. 4. The Minbari designate Babylon 5 as the premiere off-world site for Head Butt Mania(tm) events. 3. After viewing the holovideo published by the investment brokerage subsidiary of Psi Corps, you feel the Corps can be relied upon and you should trust their investment recommendations. 2. Two and a half million tons of spinning metal? Whew! That'll make a lot of "Clark in '62" buttons. And the number one reason you should invest your 401K savings in Babylon 5 properties: Ivanova's Law: No boom today? Boom tomorrow. There's _always_ a boom tomorrow. Marc A. Criley From: ez007560@rocky.ucdavis.edu (Morris Skupinsky) Just thoght I'd summarize the recent debate about Kosh and add some more theories...since there's nothing ELSE to do for the next 18 weeks except start a heated debate over bi-sexuality (grumble grumble). No offence is intended by any of these, so don't take any. My appologies to JMS if I accidentally write down the right theory...but since the stuff has already been shot I think I'm safe. 15) Just some bad actor in a suit. (This would require that in the climactic series finale, the characters discover that they're in a TV show). "Look, we're on film!!" 14) A teddy bear. 13) Sheriden's gay lover. 12) Ivanova's gay alien lover. 11) The place where some over zealous B-5 fan dumped the bodies of the network executives responsible for delaying the last 4 episodes, after puree-ing them in a blender so that they fit inside. (I am not suggesting, nor am I threatening...I'm mearly stating a theory that niether I nor ANY B-5 fan would like to see). 10) The Top-of-the-line Hoover upright vaccum of 2259. 9) Elvis. (goes without saying...) 8) Norm! (from Cheers) 7) A subspace anomaly created in a transporter accident when the polarity of the neutron flow was reversed in a dynamic tacheon field to stabilizd the wang doodle as it went through the nicky nacky noo in order to depolarize the Heisenberg uncertainty compensator to keep it from dematerializing the Loomis coil suspended in tetrahydrozaline-6. 6) Burt Wreynold's hair piece. 5) Zha-Zha Gabor 4) Kosh (along with the rest of the Vorlons) are the elusive wild Spam. 3) Your ex-significant other (who may quite possible have developed bi-sexual tendencies, but this part of the plot is still under discussion and development). 2) a Mupet. and the #1 proposed Kosh theory of all time (according to me). 1) A large overturned garbage can with a plunger sticking out and some guy on a tricycle inside. From: terman@rossi.astro.nwu.edu (James Terman) TOP TEN REASONS WHY DELENN PREFERS SHERIDAN TO SINCLAIR 10. Sheridan looks so cute when he snores. 9. Never warmed up to Sinclair's pet name for her, "Dome Bone". 8. Kosh likes Sheridan better. 7. Widowers make the best husbands. 6. Sheridan's nickname "Star Killer" a lot cooler than Sinclair's nickname "Ol' Hole in Mind". 5. Sheridan is slightly less stiff. 4. Sinclair screamed like a school girl when he was tortured on the Grey Council ship. 3. Sheridan does not need Kosh to remind him of urgent appointments with her. 2. Two words: better hair. 1. A gal's got a right to play the field before settling down with her destiny. From: brett@oce.orst.edu (Brett Barksdale) Subject: JMS: Top ten reasons why JMS can't write a simple story >(Why do I seem genetically incapable of just writing a simple little >story...?) > jms Ok. You asked for it! Note to the humor-impaired, all to follow is categorized with one giant smiley... :-) From the home office at EarthDome... THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY JMS CAN'T WRITE A SIMPLE LITTLE STORY ------------------------------------------------------------- 10) Didn't have a night-light as a child (too many shadows...). 9) He learned to write from Snoopy. "It was a dark and stormy night. A shot rang out. The maid screamed. Suddenly, pirates appeared on the horizon!" (I tie this together in chapter 2...) It could be worse, he could of learned from Dr. Suess instead of Charles Schultz. "narn one and narn two. narn two and narn one. they can find anything, anything. Anything under the sun." _The Vorlon in the Hat_ 8) Unresolved issues from "Little Red Riding Hood". It was just a little TOO convenient having that hunter show up in the end, wasn't it? Joe's version explains it all with a world-wide conspiracy involving a race of "Old Ones". 7) Oat Bran - the silent killer. (Tribute to the best top 10 entry I've ever seen - "Top 10 headlines in the year 2050". Hey! JMS does this - so can I!) 6) Mean actors/actresses demanding complex characters to portray. (Sinclair was just a gas station attendant in Jersey until O'hare whined pathetically...) 5) One word: insomnia 4) Because he's not just the President of the Story Club for Men, he's also a customer. 3) Because Ivanova said so and Ivanova is God. Those that don't listen to Ivanova go BOOM. Joe no like BOOM. Got it? [Alternate 3) Claudia promised that, if he tried harder on the stories, she'd put in a good word for him to MENSA to make up for his low test scores..] 2) Two words: sci-fi groupies. and the #1 reason... 1) If he *could* write simple little stories, he'd have to write for ST: Voyager. And the Paramount cafeteria only serves 'spoo'... From: CRAWFORD@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU (crawf) Ok, it's been a long stretch of reruns, and I have no life... :-) Sheridan's Rules 1-28: 1. A day without orange juice is like a day without starshine. 2. Always leave in the pulp. 3. Steam, don't boil. 4. You are what you eat. 5. Let a smile be your solar panel. 6. It's good to be the captain. (I'm reminded of the line in a couple of Mel Brooks' movies, "It's good to be the king." :-) 7. Believe in magic. 8. A good night's sleep is essential to combat readiness. 9. The CO's jokes are *always* funny. 10. Hobbies can be fun *and* useful. 11. If you want to find a spider, you have to check out the web. 12. The Single Vorlon Theory is a government conspiracy. 13. Dream the impossible dream. 14. Fight the unbeatable foe. 15. The only good star is a dead star. 16. A mine is a terrible thing in space. 17. Try not to get killed. 18. Never eat with a Drazi. 19. Never play poker with a Centauri. 20. Never give a Minbari an even break. 21. There's something fishy about a doctor that makes station calls. 22. The opposable thumb is overrated. 23. Don't even think what you're thinking. 24. Be in the right place at the right time. 25. Recommend downtown as a funky nightspot for visiting EA officials. 26. The universe is apparently keeping score and grades for difficulty. 27. Understand what you don't understand. Especially yourself. 28. There's always a next time. larry crawford "Talk is cheap, but so are you." From: alberti@riverside.mr.net (Bob Alberti) TOP TEN REASONS JOE READS THE NET 10) Harlan told him it would keep him from getting "too big for his britches"; Joe is still wondering why he's not losing weight. 9) Finds a peptic ulcer helps spice up otherwise-bland cafeteria food. 8) Whenever a plotlines threaded with delusion, conspiracies, aliens, and violence seems too implausible, a brief foray onto the net makes his story look like the Three Pigs. 7) For material on his upcoming book, "To Serve Man". 6) If it wasn't for Joe, the Fullers would have to go back to haranguing people at bus stops. 5) Surprisingly enough, by keeping track of which books and authors he is supposedly plagiarizing, has managed to compile a pretty good reading list for his retirement. 4) Abuse, harassment, stupid ideas and insults help him wind down after those long P-Ten/WB meetings. 3) Hoping to pioneer interaction between Hollywood producers and the Internet community... because they deserve each other. 2) He's making a list to give to his masters... because nobody knows the "M" in JMS stands for "Morden". AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON JOE'S ON THE NET 1) He's got nothing better to do with his time! Bob Alberti "I'm just a mirror of a mirror of myself" -Emily Saliers alberti@mr.net Indigo Girls _Swamp Ophelia_ "Least Complicated" From: dusek@psun (James Dusek) Message-ID: <1995Jun5.221102.6172@schbbs.mot.com> Sender: news@schbbs.mot.com (SCHBBS News Account) 10: Kosh said I wasn't ready for this assigment. 09: It was caught between a Narn and Centauri cruisers and destroyed. 08: (Centauri kid) G'kar mistook it for secret military plans, and siezed it. 07: (Narn kid) Londo mistook it for secret military plans and siezed it. 06: My report on the new interactive game called Bureau 13 was taken by Captain Sheridan for some reason. 05: My paper on shadows and other effects of light is currently being examined by Kosh, Deleen and Sheridan. I knew I shouldn't have changed the title from "Everything you wanted to know about shadows, but were afraid to ask." 04: I did my homework on green paper, and a purple Drazi destroyed it. 03: It was destroyed by an alien homework eating virus. 02: You see Mr. Garabaldi, I forgot my math homework and this guy with dark hair asked my "What do you want?" I told him I wanted my math teacher to disappear. He smiled and by the time I got to class, the math teacher was gone! The number one reason for late/missing howework in B5 schools is..... 01: A Pak' Ma' Ra ate it! (Alternate 01: "A Pak'Ma'Ra ate my teacher!") From: cti1@ix.netcom.com (SN) The Top Ten Reasons the Shadows Want to Destroy Earth 10. Earth ships go too slow in hyperspace 9. Earthers are teddy bear litter bugs 8. The Beavis and Butthead broadcasts finally reached Za Ha Doum 7. They hate being called shadows; they are illuminationally disadvantaged. 6. They were afraid the BATF wouldn't approve their church. 5. Sick of Ed McMahon's junk mail 4. Some one has to shut Theron Fuller the hell up. 3. Technobabble, treknobabble. 2. Ivanova should have kept her comment regarding alien anatomy (or lack of) to herself. And the number one reason: 1. Punish Warner Bros for holding back episodes. From: rwwalker@ix.netcom.com (Rodney Walker) Subject: Top Ten Reasons To Reduce Interaction With Group Top Ten Reasons I'll Probably Just Monitor* the Newsgroup During the Summer *[i.e. perhaps skim accumulated postings on Saturday with only a few postings of my own] 10. Non-internet-related software on my computer are suing me for lack of emotional support. 9. Since jms' gateway is feeding him every posting two times, I don't want to risk wasting his time with an unimportant post. He'd end up reading irrelvant data twice. 8. Tendency of posters to just up and start calling each other names and slinging accusations. 7. Need to recover from May's 11,000 plus postings. 6. Discovered non-artifically generated light outside my apartment. I feel compelled to investigate. 5. Don't want to risk exposure to info on final four from international posters [hold that thought-invalidation of this item may be nigh]. 4. There are some bills underneath that pile of stuff on my kitchen table. I've scheduled a week-long expedition to push, file, stamp, index, brief, debrief and number the items on the table so that I can promptly (note new definition of promptly) send a check to the appropriate agencies. [It's only a nod! I'm a free man.] 3. Carolina girls. 2. Since jms' gateway is feeding him every posting two times, I don't want to risk wasting his time with an unimportant post. He'd end up reading irrelvant data twice. and the number one reason........ 1. No new episodes to discuss!!!!! From: glazamit@stimpy.eecis.udel.edu (Alexander Glazamitsky) That's right - this is Yet Another @%$# Top Ten List. And this one is even about Star Trek. TOP TEN REASONS WHY SHERIDAN TURNED DOWN A JOB IN STARFLEET ----------------------------------------------------------- 10) Hates conspiracies which last for only one episode. 9) Heard that replicators do a horrible job on his favorite dish - flarn-flavored chicken with spoo. 8) Can't tell bipolar neutrionic dual-phased space inverter from a blender. 7) Lacks distinctive voice required for captaincy. 6) Doesn't have enough diplomatic sense to avoid offending aliens with phrases like "This is a practical joke, right?! My security officer just convinced you to glue this thing to your nose, right? Let's see if it comes off". 5) Prefers telepaths who give him a warning before sensing his thoughts, so that he would have enough time to hide his plans for meeting with a certain alluring alien ambassador in slinky black dress. 4) Heard that Starfleet doesn't have any extra "flight payments". 3) Computer tells him that being possessed by an unknown alien is a lot less frequent on B5. 2) No Kosh to tell him what's what. And the number one reason why Sheridan turned down a job in Starfleet: 1) Starfleet doesn't promote officers who use word "Abso-fragging-lutely". From: d_pilato@vssi.trw.com (Dean C. Pilato) Subject: Top ten ways B 5 fans can stay busy for the next 4 months Top ten ways Babylon 5 fans can stay busy for the next 4 months =============================================================== 10) Whining and complaining about Deep Space Nine. 9) Whining and complaining about Voyager. 8) Whining and complaining about... it *does* get old, doesn't it? 7) Trading comics. 6) Watching the Red Wings win the Stanley Cup (June, anyway) 5) Reaquaint themselves with their relatives. 4) Learn to do impressions of Londo Mollari. 3) Figure out how to make the VCR stop flashing 12:00 2) Sending cute, cuddly stuffed animals to JMS. AND, the number one way Babylon 5 fans can stay busy for the next 4 months 1) Two words: Godzilla Marathon. From: dusek@psun (James Dusek) Subject: Re: TOP TEN REASONS SHADOWS WANT TO DESTROY EARTH Sender: news@schbbs.mot.com (SCHBBS News Account) 10: It's there. 09: They've got plenty of munitions left over from their previous wars. 08: Worst case of testosterstone poisoning the galaxy has ever seen. 07: It'll be that time of the month. 06: The Vorlons will make them do it. 05: To show the Minbari up. 04: Rosanne Bar lives there. 03: Our "Shadow Warriors" (Ninja) infringed on their copyright. 02: Some silly hotel chain keeps leaving the light on. The number 1 reason the Shadows destroy earth is: 01: JMS keeps forgetting to invite them to B5 cast parties. James Dusek dusek@cadsun.corp.mot.com From: maupb@csv.warwick.ac.uk (Jason Saunders) The Top 10 reasons the Shadows are attacking 10. They ran out of Prozac 9. Never again will we leave the toilet seat up 8. They resent being delayed until October 7. They want to bring the OJ Simpson trial to an end this century 6. The're not bad, just expressing their cultural Identity 5. They wish to stamp out Cheese contamination throughout the Galaxy :-) Hugs to Voyager 4. It was either this or workfare 3. They won the contract for building intergalatic bypasses and regrettably our galaxy is targeted for demolition 2. They were only following what they read in their Horoscopes And tonights number 1 reason for the Shadows attacking is ... 1. Because JMS said so. -- Jason L Saunders Argo Business Consultants / Argo Systems 8 Trentham Road, Stoke, Coventry, UK, CV1 5BD UK Tel/Fax: (01203) 251622 - Int'l Tel/Fax: +44 1203 251622 From: zgray@orion.it.luc.edu (Zac Gray) Subject: Top 10 Birthday Presents for B5 Characters 10. Fully stocked wet bar for Vir 9. A spot on the dating game for Garibaldi 8. The complete works of Mark Twain/Samuel Clemens for Ivanova 7. Chia pet for Garibaldi 6. 10,000 more shares of a spoo ranch for Londo 5. Gel for Delenn's recently erratic hairdo 4. Grammatical primer for Kosh 3. Change of clothes for Talia (that's not a uniform, is it?) 2. Lifetime supply of dep for Londo and, of course... 1. Replacement bear for Sheridan [lost the name of the creator of this one] Top Ten Things You Will Never See on Babylon-5 10. Garibaldi in a Yogi Bear hat zipping zomething zpecial at a local drinking eztablishment. 9. An alien that is NOT the same basic size, shape, and strength as a human enters the Mutai and snaps the other competitors like twigs. 8. Vir returns to Centauri Prime to open a Hair Club for Men franchise. 7. N'Grath receives a mysterious bouquet of flowers. He discovers that the card is signed R-A-I-D...<**BOOM**> 6. Ivanova singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning." 5. A new Earth/Minbari War begins when Delenn asks Sinclair if he ever wonders what really happened at the Battle of the Line and he responds, "What kind of bone headed question is that?" 4. G'kar buys a pair of blue contact lens to help create a new kinder, gentler image. 3. Kosh is arrested for throwing open his encounter suit and exposing himself. 2. The Psi Corp sends an agent to check up on Talia and he turns out to be an easy-going, likable guy. 1. Winters, Ivanova and Delenn have a pajama party and Ivanova reveals that she secretly lusts after G'Kar. And, on a serious note, JMS responds... > I have just read your list of Top 10 Things You'll Never See On >Babylon 5. > We've already done one of them...this season. > "Eyes." 'Nuff said. > jms And, from Tmetzger@aol.com: TOP TEN REASONS WHY B-5 CAN'T BE COMPARED TO..TO..YOU KNOW WHO. 10. One show did their effects via models, one does their effects via computer animation graphics. 9. One show had a much bigger budget than the other. 8. One show had a built in audience to carry them over their first season, the other had to earn its fans. 7. One show has charactors who are so perfect it explains why you never saw a toilet in the first show, while the other show chose to show people in the future as people. 6. One show takes even the most basic concepts of science such as gravity and thermal dynamics and trashes them in the opening credits,never to recover, while the other show tries to remember science but just kinda forgets from time to time. 5. One show had the crutch of imagined technology that was powerful to the point of magic, the other show has the crutch of demphasizing the tech till they seem underpowered for a galatic-spanning empire. 4. One show had no specific direction for all the stories, while the other show is charting a five year story arc. 3. One show leads a marketing empire, hence decisions were heavily interfered with by higher-ups, the other show is still small, marketing wise, so gets left alone in artistic decisions more. 2. One show has been on tv for 7 years and is told tale now, the other show is still in production and can learn from the other's mistakes. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON THAT B5 AND S*** T*** CAN'T BE COMPARED IS; 1. The moderators are so sick of Us VS Them cat fights they're ready to terminate with extreme prejudice. +------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Dirk A. Loedding <*> judge@america.net | +------------------------------------------------------------------------+ From: luthardt@clark.net (Robert v Luthardt jr) Subject: TOP TEN REASONS BABYLON 5 WILL NOT BE RENEWED! TOP 10 REASONS BABYLON 5 WILL NOT BE RENEWED 10. BFIVE discovered to be a subliminal slur for PTEN 9. Jerry Doyle shows up to rehearsal with "Bugs Bunny was gay" tatooed on his forhead. 8. Joe Piscopo guest stars as "The Comedian". 7. In season three premier, G'Kar leaves B5 to join a Gecko-Roman wrestling team. 6. Harlan writes award winning script where Vir deals illegal narcotics. (Mr. Ellison, forgive me.) 5. Joe refuses Warner casting changes where Talia is written out, and Wakko, Yakko, and Dot star as PSI Corp members. 4. The Babylon 5 suppositories fail to generate anticipated revenue, and at least one injury suit is settled out of court. 3. The "Sheridan Action Figure" fails to generate anticipated revenue when it is revealed to be a contradiction in terms. 2. 2001: The Series slated for B5 time slot. On a positive note, Bill Mumy is cast as the giant galactic embryo. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BABYLON 5 WILL NOT BE RENEWED.... 1. TWO WORDS: COMMANDER CHARO "Koochie koochie!" From: Stephen Darlington Stephen.Darlington@durham.ac.uk Top five things that the Shadows hope to acheive by attacking (couldn't think of ten): 5) An end to David Hastlehoff 4) ...and Take That 3) To stop that JMS bloke slandering them all the time 2) Universal peace and love 1) A completed Panini football sticker book From: Chris Schumacher cschumacher@delphi.com ---==Top Ten Signs Your Addicted to JMS's Work==- 10. When picked on by someone bigger than you you reply with "Have you ever read 'Othersyde', son?" 9. Go to a play and yell at the actors "We all know the writer is the REAL star!" 8.Wonder why JMS isn't in "The Prisoner" credits. 7.Write Stanley Kubrick a dirty letter about stealing the spacesuit design in 2001 from JMS. 6.You keep going to the bookstore to see if "It's Getting Dark" is out yet. 5.When watching Die Hard III, you think that it could have been much better if Jerry Doyle was in the lead role. 4. "Our father, who art in Los Angles, JMS be thy name..." ('nuff said?) 3.Start writing your initals in lower case without periods. 2.You make a one-sided telegraph machine and get pissed off when it doesn't start clicking by itself. 1.5 When you wake up with your room demolished, you don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you slept through a Tornado. And the Number One sign that you're addicted to JMS's work... 1. Everytime a payphone rings, you run like hell. From: dmorriso@us.oracle.com (Dave Morrison) Subject: ATTN JMS: Top ten complaints of the B5 focus group JMS: As we all know, you recently suffered through, errrr... that's attended, a focus group which watched some episodes of B5. What you many not have heard were the real top 10 complaints of that group. So without further ado, here are the top 10 complaints of the B5 focus group... :) 10) Hard to pay attention to the show with that guy on the other side of that mirror looking like he's going to come through the glass at me. 9) When you are lost in hyperspace, why can't you set up a quantum flux transducer to align up a subspace homing beacon and thus find your way through any space time continuum? 8) Show was preempted by cheap take off of 48 hours and no one told me. 7) Looks like blantant propaganda for the Religious Right. 6) The viewing room was too hot. 5) Starfuries aren't aerodynamic enough. 4) Not enough cuddly teddy bears or cute children. 3) Unsure why security keeps forgetting to set PPGs to stun. 2) Initial confusion between B5's captain John Sheridan and B5's executive producer, Joe Straczynski. 1) The show's rangers don't dress in different colors. From: ez007560@rocky.ucdavis.edu (Morris Skupinsky) 11) Wan't enough like the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers...now there's a REAL Sci-Fi show. From: wolfone@goofy.cc.utexas.edu (no one of consequence) From the home office on the Vorlon Homeworld: The Top Ten ways you can tell that JMS has watched TOO much anime... 10) Space battles almost always start with a huge missile barrage of such density that one wonders where all the launchers for them came from.. 09) Transformable Starfuries. 08) Shadowcruisers cease making that eerie screaming noise when they fire their ginsu beams and instead just say variations of MIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! 07) Ranger Mihoshi. 06) Earth increases its technology through studies of a wrecked Solnoid spacecraft found buried in the Moon. 05) New ominous Megacorp appears: GENOM. 04) Spoo becomes a power source and fuel for weapons that make nukes look like firecrackers. 03) Babylon 5 destroyed when it is dropped on Sydney Australia. 02) Garibaldi mistakenly dials the Goddess Help Line when ordering a pizza. ..and the number one way you can tell that JMS has watched TOO much anime: 01) Delenn- "TRILUMINARY PRISM POWER... MAKE UP!!" [Pulls headband off, revealing a strange character on his forehead.] -- |Patrick Chester (aka: claypigeon, Sinapus) wolfone@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu| From: park@netcom.com (Bill Park) And now direct from the home office on downtown Centauri Prime ... * * * * Top 10 Traci Lords cameos on B5 * * * * 10. A Psicop! 9. A nun! 8. A bartender! 7. A dentist's assistant! 6. Sheridan's illegitimate black-sheep daughter! 7. Londo's fourth wife! 6. A genius scientist! 5. The N'Grath's successor! 4. B5 Security's martial arts instructor! 3. Kosh's executive secretary! 2. Shop steward of Social Facilitators' Union Local 305 And now the number one cameo for Traci Lords on B5 ... 1. An award-winning holo actress !!! From: terman@rossi.astro.nwu.edu (James Terman) From the home office on Earth Dome: TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE SICK OF BABYLON 5 RERUNS 10. ST:DS9 is starting to look good. 9. You begin watching old episodes of "Murder, She Wrote", looking for story-arc clues. 8. Your T.V. screen is starting to display cryptic ever-changing symbols. 7. You start seeing Shadows around you. 6. ST:Voyager is starting to look good. 5. You start playing your Babylon 5 tapes backwards, looking for hidden story-arc clues. 4. You keep trying to do a long range mind scan of JMS. 3. Earth 2 is starting to look good. 2. You are planning an immediate month long trip to the United Kingdom. 1. What you really want is for Morden to send the Shadow fleet against Warner-Brothers Corporate Headquarters. [Compiled by James L. Terman] -- | James L. Terman | Science may set limits to know- | | terman@holmes.astro.nwu.edu (for email) | ledge, but should not set limits | From: ujdderych@cc.memphis.edu Subject: Top Ten Failed Mr. Morden Questions In the field of human TV history what question could ever hope to be more insidious, darkly majestic, and just plain creepy than Mr. Morden's now infamous "What do you want?" Of course, true genius is rarely realized on the first attempt. Mr. Morden pestered the ambassadorial staff of Babylon's 1-4 with truly inane questions that never got him anywhere. Yes, Mr. Morden laid many an egg in his efforts to impress Ambassadors!!! Our crack research staff has composed a list of these easily forgettable attempts by Mr. Morden to appear pecksniffian (Break out the Dictionary!). Imagine Morden walking up to Londo for the first time with one of _THESE_ turkeys! Here we go! From the Home Office on Olympus Mons... Top Ten Failed Mr. Morden Questions! 10. "Will that be cash or charge?" 9. "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a...HEY! Where are you going!!!" 8. "So, do you come here often?" 7. "Do you think I'm fat?" 6. "Are Gaussian equations flawed due to a strictly euclidian view of the universe?" 5. "Who Farted?" 4. "What's your sign?" 3. "Do you want to make more money?" 2. "What's up, Doc?" and the Number One Inept Mr. Morden Question... 1. "Do you want fries with that?" From: jhkap@dbsoftware.com (Dharm Kapadia) I liked those! However, you overlooked one question that the Shadows *originally* asked over 1000 years ago : "Where do you want to go today?" (tm) Of course word of this was received by Microsoft attorneys through StellarCom. The ensuing legal paperwork buried the Shadows. Therefore, I submit that the Shadows were not defeated by the First Ones and their allies. Rather, they were suffocated by the various motions, delays, depositions, and affidavits rained down upon them by the Microsoft legal army. The Shadows immediately declared bankruptcy and went into a 1000 year hibernation. Of course they have now changed their question to "What do you want?" Note, however, that "do" (tm), "you" (tm), and "want" (tm) are still retained from their original message and are still the property of the Microsoft Corporation. 8) begin legal flame shield : Note : Microsoft (tm) is a registered trademark of the Microsoft Corporation. end legal flame shield : -- Dharm Kapadia From: terzo@ix.netcom.com (Thomas P. Terzo ) Top Ten Reasons to Suspect that your Roommate on Babylon 5 is a Shadow's Pawn 10. He sits up late at night talking to himself. 9. He frequently says that he is "eating for two (or more)" and then laughs oddly 8. Telepaths don't seem to like him. 7. THe bathroom is always strangely crowded. 6. After going for a walk in the B5 greenhouse, he tracks in an extraordinary amount of mud. 5. He is unusually moved by things- moved on and off ships, moved to different parts of the station, etc.... 4. The futuristic IRS lets it slide when he doesn't pay hisi taxes. 3. The room makes funny noises when he's around 2. He survived the Challenger explosion (or some other disaster relavant to the time frame) but the govt. doesn't know about it. (See #4) 1. He often talks about his "associates" but only smirks when you suggest her invite them over for dinner. From: scottp@cs.ucr.edu (scott parmenter) Joe, I would like to thank you, as well as the entire cast and crew, for showing us such a wonderful show. Keep up the good work! In return, I'd like to offer this (somewhat dubious) tribute, inspired by recent posts and one too many books by Spider Robinson. Without any further ado, from our home office in Little Italy, The Top 10 Ways Babylon 5 says "That's amore!!" ----------------------------------------------- audience groans, begins looking for nearest fire exits 10. G'Kar is on the run, From Londo's brand new gun, it's a Moe-Ray! 9. When Control is on-line, And says "everything's fine," that's a mole, eh? 8. When N'Grath has a date, And they decide to mate, that's a moll outre! 7. Minbari hate all lies, And yet each of them tries, that's some mores! 6. How did they find the sun, Back on Babylon One? With an orrery! 5. A new form is a boon, Please try Delenn's cocoon, that's some molt, eh? 4. Delenn tells John what's what, Of Shadows and such, but, that's, uhm, hoary! 3. With the words of G'Quan, G'Kar appears quite wan, that's a mull aye! [obscure] 2. Talia's painting has lines, That are entwined like vines, it's a moire! and finally, audience cheers with relief 1. John goes out with Delenn, With Jeff and Catherine, that's a four-way! -- -------------------- "Each emotional injury Scott Parmenter leaves behind its mark scottp@cs.ucr.edu sometimes they come tumbling out -------------------- Like shadows in the dark" -- Rush, Scars From: helfman@csc.albany.edu (amy helfman) And how could we ever forget this: Garibaldi makes stew, *Bagna cauda* for two, And Franklin wants more-aay!!! From: corun@access4.digex.net (Corun MacAnndra) I think this version might scan better. Now G'kar's on the run From Centauri's Big Gun, it's Mollar-ray! But then I don't get out much. From: sorso@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (orso steven n) You say "Mo-lah-ray," And I say "Mo-lah-ree"! You say "Sen-taw-ree," And I say "Sen-tah-ree"! Mo-lah-ray! Mo-lah-ree! Sen-taw-ree! Sen-tah-ree! Let's call this filk thread off! Article 102458 of rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5: Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!news.claremont.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!howland.reston. ans.net!agate!isaackuo From: isaackuo@OCF.Berkeley.EDU (Isaac Ji Kuo) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5,rec.arts.anime Subject: Re: [NOISE] YATTL!! RFI!! Date: 24 Jun 1995 03:27:42 GMT Organization: U. C. Berkeley Open Computing Facility Lines: 69 Message-ID: <3sg0ne$64g@agate.berkeley.edu> References: <3rbpfl$6kq@mark.ucdavis.edu> <3rhedb$7tm@agate.berkeley.edu> <3runa8$dnb@goofy.cc.utexas.edu> <3s7od7$dh3@bermuda.io.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: heatwave.berkeley.edu Xref: nntp-server.caltech.edu rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5:102458 rec.arts.anime:186388 Ooh, more B5 r.a.a. crossposting! Yippee! In article <3s7od7$dh3@bermuda.io.com>, Christian Wagner cwagner@io.com wrote: >Yes, it's a completely content-free post! Hit "N" now if you value your time! Kore mo soo da! The Top 10 ways you could tell JMS has _really_ watched too much anime: 10) The B5 series lags behind and is based on the comic, except that many stories are skipped, and new plot elements added to pad out time invariably turn out as purile garbage. 9) Bruce Boxleitner touches the back of his neck. A lot. 8) Ivonova slaps an overeager alien in the garden and propels him to the other side of the station. 7) B5 is sent on a collision course with Earth. 6) "Drazi Fight...Ready, Go!" 5) Babylon-5 OVAs--$120 retail per episode on single sided CLV laser disc. 4) None of the male characters can ice skate. 3) Bester stops carrying a PPG--instead he fires plasma balls out of the palms of his hands. Inexplicably, G'Kar also gains this ability, and causes great concern when he starts "absorbing" people to increase his power. 2) Babylon 1-3 were all coincidentally destroyed soon after the arrival of a pair of troubleshooters. ..and the number 1 way you can tell JMS has _really_ watched too much anime: 1) The place where "the Great War came upon us all" isn't Zh'ha'dum, it's Tomobiki. >no one of consequence wolfone@goofy.cc.utexas.edu wrote: >>The Top Ten ways you can tell that JMS has watched TOO much anime... >>10) Space battles almost always start with a huge missile barrage of such >>density that one wonders where all the launchers for them came from.. >>09) Transformable Starfuries. >Piloted by 16-year-old psychics and/or rock musicians, of course. And interfighter combat communications are "improved" by the addition of flat panel screens to display the speaker. >>08) Shadowcruisers cease making that eerie screaming noise when they fire >>their ginsu beams and instead just say variations of "MIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" "NYAAAAAAAA!" >Well, if Ryo-oh-ki ever ends up on B5, she's going to get tossed out an >airlock anyway. Remember JMS and cute? >>..and the number one way you can tell that JMS has watched TOO much anime: >>01) Delenn- "TRILUMINARY PRISM POWER... MAKE UP!!" YAGGH! >This would also explain what Kosh is; there's two cats, a white one and a >black one, who are piloting the encounter suit like a vehicle. ;) YAGGH! -- _____ Isaac Kuo (isaackuo@OCF.berkeley.edu) __|_>o<_|__ As the world looked on ... Earth's fate hung in balance ... /___________\ The fight for survival ... now begins! ... FINAL BATTLE IN ... \=\>----- TOMOBIKI-CHO! Article 105396 of rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5: Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!netline-fddi.jpl.nasa.gov!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!gatech!howland.rest on.ans.net!spool.mu.edu!olivea!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!csusac!csus.edu!gharlane From: gharlane@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu (Gharlane of Eddore) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5 Subject: Re: Attn: JMS Ivanova Question ( Followup-To: alt.dev.null Date: 5 Jul 1995 01:24:53 GMT Organization: Evil Beings from Planet Eddore, inc. Lines: 50 Sender: High Council of Eddore Distribution: world Message-ID: 3tcpl5$ii7@news.csus.edu References: <199506290753.AA092272387@relay1.geis.com> <3stmrm$406@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu> mvpDAyFDD.Ks0@netcom.com NNTP-Posting-Host: @ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu Summary: brief suggestions straczynski@genie.geis.com writes: > Yes, Ivanova brought a secret with her to the station. > But, who didn't, after all? > This IS Babylon 5. In <3stmrm$406@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu>, orso steven n sorso@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu wrote: > > Even LENNIER? In mvpDAyFDD.Ks0@netcom.com mvp@netcom.com (Mike Van Pelt) writes: > > *ESPECIALLY* Lennier! Why do you think he's smiling all the time? >-- Herewith the Top Ten Guesses at Lennier's Secret, that causes him to smile all the time: 10. He's still zonked from last night's party, and the Minbari makeup effectively hides the ice bag, which feels soooooo good.... 9. He's not wearing anything under his Minbari robes but a garter belt. 8. Somewhere, just outside of camera range, Steve Spielberg is posing, wearing a white rabbit suit. 7. Somewhere, just outside of camera range, Andrea Thompson is posing, wearing a skimpy BUNNY suit. 6. He's not a Minbari. He's an omnisexual from Planet Transylvania, and he has Brad and Janet locked up in his quarters as playthings. 5. He's gotten a look at next year's scripts, and knows that he's going to get to play love scenes with Claudia Christian *and* Mira Furlan. 4. He's thinking about the effect that another entire series is going to have on his residual checks every month. 3. He *knows* that no matter how big a blooper he makes on the set, the only comment he's going to get is "That was a GOOD thing you did..." 2. "Barnes & Barnes" album sales have tripled since B-5 went into production. and...... 1. He *knows* that if anyone bugs him, he can just Wish Them Into The Cornfield. From: boback@dens-design.co.uk (Boback Shahsafdari) Subject: Top Ten Narn Names Direct from the home office of Kiro City on Centauri Prime, it's: Top Ten Narn Children's names: 10. T'kee'la 9. G'quack 8. B'tros-B'tros 7. K'wen (Jewish Narns only) 6. Str'chn'sk' 5. G'look-P'kard 4. Tu'pai 3. Fred 2. G'kar'pet And the number one Narn children's name: 1. Ugly bald reptilian marsupial! ------------------------AND MORE --------------------------------- Direct from the home office of Kiro City on Centauri Prime, it's: Top Ten Drazi Pick-up [chat-up] lines: 10. You green. Me green. Buy you drink? 9. Could have been in Mu'tai, but old war wound make impossible. 8. You like Narn Opera? 7. "How many humans it take to change light bulb?" "None. Light bulb secede from Earth Alliance before it screwed in." 6. I have plan. You, me and cat, we go to Fiji. We sell doughnuts. (Lister Drazi only) 5. Centauri may have 6, but Drazi know how use it better. 4. Drazi color not only thing purple. 3. You no want go out with human. Drazi better. Drazi language not cluttered with useless articles. 2. Drazi would have killed Deathwalker, but stupid Vorlons beat us to it. And the number one Drazi Pick-up line: 1. Come, let me buy you plate of Spoo. ---- wjc@essc.psu.edu (Bill Capehart) writes: >Did Garibaldi ever get an ID in the PPG the Sherridan used on Lavel? >I'd love to know from where and FROM WHOM they got the weapon. Top ten results of trace on PPG pistol Mark IV, serial number MX-988, used in the Sheridan-Lavel incident. 10) Assigned to 1st Lieutenant Gerald Ian Josephson, Earth Force, 6/1/2246 Lt. Josephson assigned Outpost 13 on 4/13/2247 Outpost 13 overrun by Minbari 4/15/2247 Lt. Josephson officially declared MIA 4/17/2247, KIA 4/17/2254 9) Legally purchased by Jason Voudreau, Roanoke, VA, USA, Earth, 8/12/2250 Reported stolen by Jason Voudreau, Roanoke, VA, USA, Earth, 1/15/2252 Recovered in posession of suspected murderer Marcus Andrews, 3/28/2254 Melted for scrap by local police, Washington, DC, USA, Earth, 4/14/2254 8) Purchased by licensed armaments collector James St. Michael, 6/1/2241 (cross-check) Mr. St. Michael's collection seems to include eighty-six identical Mark IV PPG Pistols. We will be reviewing his license shortly. 7) Assigned to unit armory, D Company, 2nd Earth Force Marines, 7/7/2255 Found missing (with 37 others) during routine inventory, 1/1/2258 GSgt. Michael Colton, Quartermaster, D Co, 2nd Marines, AWOL 1/2/2258 6) Failed final quality control inspection, SmithColt Armaments, 9/19/2253 Destroyed by SmithColt Armaments, 9/20/2253 5) Assigned Detektiv Albrecht Hochman, Berlin Polezei, Deutschland, 11/2/2249 Reported lost during foot pursuit, 3/11/2250 Detektiv Hochman suspended for misappropriation of equipment, 12/3/2255 4) Delivered to wholesaler Donald Phillips, San Antonio, TX, Earth, 10/2/2251 Wholesaler's records destroyed in fire, 2/15/2253 No further trace possible. (note: State fire officials report that 23rd-century Texas gun dealers seem to have an accidental fire rate fifteen times the national average, with 94% of the fires confined to the records files) 3) Purchased by Security Directorate, Ganeymede Mining Base 4, 3/12/2251 Uhh, waitamminute, Ganeymede Base 4 doesn't *have* a security directorate. They contract with Ganeymede Prime for security. You mean we sold ten crates of PPGs to a non-existant police force! But the purchasing rep's credentials were entirely in order! (Further check) The delivery address is a storefront in the commercial district. Records indicate that it was rented by one John Smith on 3/11/2251. 2) Mark IV PPG Pistol serial numbers have *three* letters and *two* numbers. And, the number one result of the trace is: 1) Delivered to Psi-Corps Security Div... ... Uh, what was the question again? -- *John Schilling * "You can have Peace, * *Member:AIAA,NRA,ACLU,SAS,LP * or you can have Freedom. * *University of Southern California * Don't ever count on having both * *Aerospace Engineering Department * at the same time." * *schillin@spock.usc.edu * - Robert A. Heinlein * *(213)-740-5311 or 747-2527 * Finger for PGP public key * Article 117142 of rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5: Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5 Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!news.cerf.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!ix.netcom.com!netco m.com!dsheldon From: dsheldon@netcom.com (Ed Dravecky III) Subject: Top Five Real Kosh Identities Message-ID: dsheldonDD8o4M.1Jz@netcom.com Summary: A bit of humor to pass the days Keywords: kosh top five sorry dave babylon mstie comparison next Organization: ConGlomCo Technologies X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL1] Date: Sun, 13 Aug 1995 07:43:34 GMT Lines: 39 Sender: dsheldon@netcom8.netcom.com From the home office is GrandRapids Dome, home of the $1.99 grand slam breakfast, it's the TOP FIVE LIST for November 2, 2259. And now the host of the original "American Bandstand", David Shadowman! TOP FIVE REAL KOSH IDENTITIES Dave: Do you understand what we're trying to do here, Paul?> Paul: Besides killing valuable ISN network time? Dave: Yeah, Paul, besides that. Paul: Oh, I think we're giving a few humorous possibilities as to the real identity of Ambassador Kosh, the Vorlon.) Dave: Which the British will find out for real in few weeks. Hey, Paul. You're British, aren't you? Paul: That's "Canadian", Dave! Dave: Yeah, whatever. Here we go with tonight's top five list... #5. Those loveable Olson Twins. #4. Four Words: Elvis Kidnapped By Aliens #3. Carmen San Diego Paul: Dave, if you have a _copy_ of tonight's top five list in your left hand, where is the original list? Dave: What do you want, Paul? Paul: NEVER ASK THAT QUESTION! Dave: Yeah. Number two... #2. James Earl Jones [video of JEJ saying, "This is I-S-N!"] And the number one real identity of Ambassador Kosh: #1. The last surviving O.J. Simpson juror! -- Ed Dravecky III is: > "In space, no one can hear you scream--unless dsheldon@netcom.com > it's the battle cry of a United States Marine!" From Dallas, Texas! > --drill instructor in "Space: Above and Beyond" Article 121940 of rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5: Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!ferrari.mst6.lanl.gov!newshost.lanl.gov!ncar!newsfeed.internetm ci.com!howland.reston.ans.net!math.ohio-state.edu!newsfeed.acns.nwu.edu!news.acns. nwu.edu!rossi.astro.nwu.edu!terman From: terman@rossi.astro.nwu.edu (James Terman) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5 Subject: Top 10 signs that you are sick of Babylon 5 reruns! Date: 31 Aug 1995 22:10:50 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, Illinois, USA Lines: 34 Message-ID: <425c1a$c6e@news.acns.nwu.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: rossi.astro.nwu.edu From the home office on Earth Dome: TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE SICK OF BABYLON 5 RERUNS 10. ST:DS9 is starting to look good. 9. You begin watching old episodes of "Murder, She Wrote", looking for story-arc clues. 8. Your T.V. screen is starting to display cryptic ever-changing symbols. 7. You start seeing Shadows around you. 6. ST:Voyager is starting to look good. 5. You start playing your Babylon 5 tapes backwards, looking for hidden story-arc clues. 4. You keep trying to do a long range mind scan of JMS. 3. Alien autopsies on FOX are starting to look good. 2. You have just returned from a month long trip to the United Kingdom. 1. What you really want is for Morden to send the Shadow fleet against Warner-Brothers Corporate Headquarters. [Compiled by James L. Terman] -- | James L. Terman | Science may set limits to know- | | terman@holmes.astro.nwu.edu (for email) | ledge, but should not set limits | | terman@ossenu.astro.nwu.edu (for .plan) | to imagination. | | terman@rossi.astro.nwu.edu (for both) | - Bertrand Russell | Article 124393 of rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5: Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!ferrari.mst6.lanl.gov!newshost.lanl.gov!ncar!newsxfer.itd.umich. edu!agate!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!po.CWRU.Edu!swd2 From: swd2@po.CWRU.Edu (Steven W. Difranco) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5 Subject: Top Ten songs requested on B5 Date: 10 Sep 1995 04:35:25 GMT Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA) Lines: 47 Message-ID: <42tpud$rkm@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu> Reply-To: swd2@po.CWRU.Edu (Steven W. Difranco) NNTP-Posting-Host: owl.ins.cwru.edu From the vacation office in Downbelow: The Top Ten songs requested on the Zocalo jukebox last week: 10. Fly me to the Moon - by Zack Allen 9. I Got you, Babe - by Bester 8. Another on Bites the Dust - The Last Markab 7. Love to love you, Baby - by G'Kar 6. Cheeseburger in Paradise - by Garibaldi 5. Changes - by Delenn 4. Help me make it through the night - by JMS (* I have no idea what that means *) 3. Born to Run - by Lennier 2. Take this Job and Shove It - by Vir Cotto And the number One song requested from the Zocalo jukebox this week: Me and My Shadow - by Londo Compiled by Shoe Nobridge, for galactic wide pants, Inc. (music arrainged by the Cleveland Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum....) -- [Steven "Never work without a NET" DiFranco][No one is really who they APPEAR to be][My universe runs on enlightened self-interest; Babylon-5; and Cheez-Whiz][My views DO belong to WEBCRAFT Data Resources (which is me)][My other E-Mail address is swd@junior.wariat.org][All rights reserved,lefts used] Article 125381 of rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5: Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!news.claremont.edu!paris.ics.uci.edu!news.service.uci.edu!ihnp 4.ucsd.edu!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!math.ohio-state.edu!hobbes.physics.uiowa.ed u!cobra.uni.edu!sunbird.usd.edu!help Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5,rec.arts.startrek.current Subject: Top Ten List: B5 Meets DS9 Message-ID: <4371pn$h5h@sunbird.usd.edu> From: choover@usd.edu (Christopher J. Hoover) Date: Wed, 13 Sep 1995 18:39:13 GMT Distribution: World Organization: University of South Dakota NNTP-Posting-Host: zumbro.csrv.usd.edu X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.0.82 Lines: 47 Xref: nntp-server.caltech.edu rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5:125381 rec.arts.startrek.current:179889 YAWTPTTTO (Yet another way to pass the time 'til October).... From the Home Office in Sector 14: Top Ten Things That Might Happen or Be Overheard if Babylon 5 and Deep Space Nine, Through Some Freak Rip In the Space-Time Continuum, Encountered Each Other: 10) Odo starts referring to Major Kira as "my second favorite thing in the Universe." 9) Lumati ambassador kicked out of Quark's for trying to "seal a treaty" with Dabo girls, if you know what I mean. 8) Sisko and Sheridan: "You say jumpgate, and I say wormhole! I say Shadows and you say Founders! Jumpgate! Wormhole! Shadows! Founders! Let's call the whole thing off!" 7) "No, Nog, I keep telling you, they're called _Minbari_, not 'boneheads.'" 6) Zack's famous last words: "So, uhm, Major--what's with the nose?" 5) "So tell me, Mister Garak, what do _you_ want?" 4) "Yo, Constable, I got your jumppoint right here." (I have _no_ idea what that means.) 3) O'Brien and Bashir, visiting the Zocalo, unwittingly caught in crossfire of new "Gold Drazi-Blue Drazi" conflict. 2) "Hey, you got spoo on my jumjha stick!" "You got jumjha in my spoo!" 1) "Londo, Odo. Odo, Londo." From a fan of both, Chris Christopher J. Hoover choover@usd.edu University of South Dakota Disclaimer: standard It's *always* September, *somewhere* on the Net. Article 126817 of rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5: Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!ferrari.mst6.lanl.gov!newshost.lanl.gov!ncar!newsxfer.itd.umich. edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!howland.reston.ans.net!spool.mu.edu!usenet.eel.ufl.edu! brutus.bright.net!chi-news.cic.net!madison.tdsnet.com!news From: Cschumac@waun.tdsnet.com (Chris Schumacher) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5 Subject: Top Ten Thing we don't want to hear in season 3 Date: 19 Sep 1995 01:29:32 GMT Organization: Hibiki Industries Lines: 30 Message-ID: <43l6ds$1mo@madison.tdsnet.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: a2.waun.tdsnet.com X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.90.3 Okay. from the home office on Z'Ha'Dum.... Top Ten Season III line we DON'T wanna here. 10. I apologize for the station, I had terrible gas. (Drall) 09. I'm Connor Mccloud, of clan Mccloud. I was born in the 15th century, and I don't die. 08. We had better get ready for the dominion. (Anyone) 07. How many times do I have to tell you...DON'T SMOKE IN THE METHANE TOILETS! (A slightly burnt Garabaldi) 06. If we repolarize the phase transition coil in the main deflector array, we might just be able to get free Neo-HBO. 05. It's Morphing Time! 04. Do you know what it's like when Telepaths fart, Captain? (Talia) 03. I'm afraid the finding are conclusive. That control pedestal does absolutely nothing. 02. (Insert joke here about "Coming Shadows" as John Vornholt said it) And the number one line we don't want to hear in season three.... 01. The End (Slam! Bang!) From the home office on Epsilon 3: TOP TEN REASONS TO AVOID METHANE BATHROOMS 10. Pak Ma ra have very poor aim 9. You are the methane bathroom technician 8. Aliens don't fasten or zip 7. Aliens always leave the seat up 6. If you think it stinks in your bathroom. 5. Flushing is a real bitch 4.Ventilation? We don't need no stinking ventilation! 3.There's never any toilet paper 2. No smoking.. BOOM! There's always a BOOM! And the number 1 reason to Avoid methane bathroom is....... 1. That's where Zima is made! Necromancer@pol.org "Once I saw a chorus line of purple wombats doing show tunes in my bathtub. Course I was pretty drunk at the time." Chief Garabaldi Some more reasons not to use a Methane Bathroom: 1. If you've just enjoyed a full bowl of chili or anything with beans, it will give the term "gas station" a whole new meaning. 2. Kosh hangs out there sans encounter suit.... 3. The chemical composition of the working fluids used in the biological waste containment and recycling unit (BWCR) are chemically incompatible with the respiration requirements of most forms of carbon-based humanoid life accustomed to an oxygen-atmosphere--translated from the Technish, it means, "You can't breathe that crap." 4. At least you won't have to worry about the dog drinking from the toilet bowl.... 5. With just a little work, it cleans windows spotless.... 6. It's not as fun as a vacuum-toilet--you don't get to make your own constellations with the dump tubes....Re: Apollo 13 (Constellation Urion) 7. You throw a dead goldfish in there, it'll get high.... 8. You might find out what REALLY happened to N'Grath...bugs in the toilet, anyone? 9. Calling Roto-rooter just became a lot more difficult 10. NO SMOKING! It's bad for your health anyway...the toilet just makes the burning sensation in your lungs a bit more intense.... It's not a true Top Ten List (I don't have a home office, just a little rented apartment in G'Khamazad, and I'm having some problems with the landlords (Watch how you read that =) )but it's the best I could do on a Saturday afternoon. Until later. -- Michael J. Thompson (mjt@dana.ucc.nau.edu) From: cthulhu@alpha1.csd.uwm.edu (Mark Andrew Siefert) Subject: B5 vs DS9 Yes, yes, we heard it all before from all of you Trekkers out there in Online land: "Babylon 5 is nothing but a cheap take-off of Deep Space Nine." Well phooey on you, you Klingon-Speaking side-show geeks. B5 is far superior to anything that jerk Roddenberry (may he rot in piece) ever conceived. To prove my point, I have come up with a list of reasons why B5 is a better TV series than DS9 (it was going to be a top ten list, but I found far more than 10 reasons). Enjoy THE REASONS WHY BABYLON 5 IS A BETTER SERIES THAN DEEP SPACE NINE: ______________________________________________________________________ _______ 1. B5 is bigger (my space station can beat up yours). 2. Ivonova can kick Kira's butt. 3. Star furies (as far as we know the Federation doesn't use fighters). 4. PPGs don't have a wimpy "stun" setting. 5. One word: Vorlons 6. Quark doesn't serve Zima 7. That, and Londo hates Dabboo 8. Mr. Garibaldi doesn't sleep in a bucket. 9. Deleen is more attractive than Ki Wynn (and more moral). 10. You will never hear Londo quote "The Rules of Acquisition." 11. Human style sex is better than OO-Machs. 12 Sisko doesn't get to become a Ranger 13. Jumpgate is cooler than the wormhole 14. Centauri have better hair styles than Ferengi. 15. NO PRIME DIRECTIVE! Nuff said. 16. Babylon 5 obeys the laws of physics (that is, they don't break them as often as the Star Trek spin-offs do) 17. You will never hear any peudoscientific techno-babble on B5. (e.g. static warp shells, anti-time fields, trialic waves) 18. The Shadows make The Dominion look like pansies (cause they are). 19. Garrick will never say cool stuff like "What do you want, Dr. Bashier?" 20. The best reason of all: NO CHILDREN!!! Feel free to expand on this thread. From: sac50552@saclink1.csus.edu (David G. Homerick) Subject: TOP TEN REASONS TREK SHOWS ARE BETTER THAN B5 And now, from the home office in Middle-of-nowhere, Delta Quadrant, it's... TOP TEN REASONS TREK SHOWS ARE BETTER THAN B5 10: Lack of a continuing storyline means episodes of TNG can be watched in any order whatsoever. 9: Because of time and budget limitations, CGI spaceships simply fail to properly resemble small white chunks of plastic. 8: None of that goofy iambic pentameter stuff. 7: Lack of a continuing storyline means acts from "The 37's" can be watched in any order whatsoever. 6: No fawning bootlickers heaping praise on Brannon Braga. 5: New episodes even when it's not a sweeps month. 4: Shows a bright, optimistic future in which humankind has solved all its social problems through a liberal use of pixiedust. 3: Don't have to aim for the shoulder when shooting to kill. 2: None of that goofy scientific accuracy stuff. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON TREK SHOWS ARE BETTER THAN B5 IS..... 1: Two words: Guaranteed renewal! -- David "Letterman" Homerick From: matm@va.pubnix.com (Matthew MacKenzie) Subject: top ten ancient Minbari insults From the home office in San Diego... 10. "THERE IS A HOLE IN YOUR MIND." 9. "YOU GOT RHYTHM BUT YOU GOT NO SOUL." 8. "IF ALL YOUR FRIENDS JUMPED OFF THE ROOF, YOU WOULDN'T JUMP TOO!" 7. "YOU'VE GOT THE KIND OF SHADOW THAT MOVES WHEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKING." 6. "I BET YOU EVEN SERVE YOURSELF IN RESTAURANTS!" 5. "YOU STAND BETWEEN THE DARKNESS AND THE NOT-VERY-BRIGHTNESS." 4. "IF YOUR CLAN KNEW THEY WERE RELATED TO YOU, THEY'D GO INTO COCOONS AND CHANGE THEIR GENETIC CODE." 3. "THAT WASN'T A VERY BONE-HEADED THING TO DO!" 2. "IF AN ANCIENT, UNSPEAKABLE MENACE RETURNED TO ANNIHILATE EVERY LIVING THING IN THE GALAXY, YOU'D BE THE ONLY ONE LEFT." And the number one ancient Minbari insult-- 1. "MOTOR-BUTT!!" From: ssummers@nexus.interealm.com (Scott Summers) Subject: More movies likely to spin off from Babylon 5 1> Kosh of the Spider Woman 2> Ben Vir 3> Battle G'Kar Galactica 4> The French Lieutenant's Vorlon 5> Something Na'Toth About 6> Regrading Lennier 7> The Delenn Commandments 8> Jurasik Park 9> Johnny Rangerously And finaly, 10> Earth Force Are Easy Coming soon: Babylon Women on the Moon And the new songs on the Babylon 5 soundtrack: Morden Words Voices of Babylon From: dubost@sna.com (Michael Dubost) Subject: Re: More movies likely to spin off from Babylon 5 11) And Then There Were Narn 12) Jumpgate 13) The Shadows "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts and minds of Centari ..." From: johnzo@bnr.ca (John Aegard) Subject: ATTN JMS: Top Ten Reasons Why The Holiday Season Sucks On B5. I was going to wait until Christmas to post this, but I think it'll have more impact if I do it now. Hope y'all enjoy it! Spoilers for Fall of Night below. Careful! It seems to me that the holiday season is never joyous on B5 ... there's always presidents being assassinated, colonies being attacked, ambassadors disappearing, the odd Centauri cruiser attack, Nightwatch meetings and other non-fun things happening. So, in that spirit, here's the Top Ten Reasons Why The Holiday Season Sucks on B5. 10] Kosh refuses to perch on top of the Christmas tree. 9] Lumati ambassador, normally the life of the party, does nothing but hang out under mistletoe and stare at Ivonova. 8] Christmas crackers cause explosions in sections with alien atmosphere. 7] Draal won't stop broadcasting the Mojo Nixon version of "Jingle Bell Rock." 6] Three words: Lennier's eggnog bender. 5] Nightwatch agents disrupt holiday shopping in the Zocallo with sedition raids. 4] That dumb episode where Sheridan gets kidnapped by the Streibs is rerun a thousand times (whoops, sorry, that's from Top Ten Reasons Why Summers on B5 Suck.) 3] Garibaldi is always in terrible shape by the time he stumbles to the New Years' party. 2] Delenn steals all of B5's Christmas ornaments for her funky machine. and the number one reason why B5 sucks for the holidays is: 1] "Ho ho ho, what do *you* want?" From: Cschumac@waun.tdsnet.com (Chris Schumacher) Subject: Top Ten Lines From Babylon^2's flip side (Taken from the Lurker's Guide To Babylon 5. "Babylon Squared", JMS Speaks) * No, actually, B2 was structured for maximum jarring effect, thus the sudden cuts back and forth, the sickly green light in B4...makes the person watching feel unexplainably anxious, which was a subliminal but definite intent. So no, nothing much was cut. And yes, eventually we will see the flip-side of the B4 story. * In B-squared, we saw the present events in the vanishment of B4; in a future episode, we'll actually see our characters make the decision to go back in time and yank B4 forward, what went wrong, and so on. ----- Okay, so here are the top ten lines from the flip-side episode; #10. Brushing teeth not Zathrus skill. #9. Get back in your suit, Kosh. It doesn't impress us anymore. #8. (Upon watching B5 exploding) That'll hurt come winter. No, these two incidents probably won't take place in the same episode) #7. Drall:Wait, the forward docking bay is missing! Zathras, Zathras! Never around when you need him. #6. Sinclair:Can I go back to Minbar now? #5. Zathras:No...not the one. Won't talk, not the one. (Oops, sorry, that's TOP TEN LINES FROM Babylon^2) #4. "Good, another station to destroy." Unknown #3. Sinclair:I'm the One! Riker:No, I'm NUMBER ONE! Berman:You better get a lawyer, Straczynski. #2. Sinclair:You know what they call a hamburger on Minbar? Garabaldi:A Hamburger? Sinclair:No, they don't know what the fuck ham is, they call it "Valen Special With Cheese" Garabaldi:Oh, is that right? Shouldn't we get this glowing stuff to Drall? Sinclair:Soon enough. BAM! Oh, man! I just shot Lennier in the face! And the Number one line from the Flip side of Babylon Squared.... #1. The One:No,no,no,no,no!!!!! You stupid idiot! I said Babylon FOUR! (Holds out four fingers) Babylon FOUR! Zathras:(click-click-click-click) Much apologizing. Mathematics not Zathras skill. Garabaldi:Well, this means I can save my Daffy Duck poster now.... From: Chuck_A._Becker@pol.org (Chuck A. Becker) Subject: Top Ten Reasons Shadows Started The War From the Home Office in the Ragesh System... Top Ten Reasons The Shadows Started The War...... 10. No cable on Za Ha Dum. 9. They lost the thimble Monopoly piece and don't have a Toys-R-Us. 8. They've seen Hunter Prey a Gazillion times too! 7. Can't get the new Snoop Doggie Dog CD. 6.They've just plain outgrown the darn place 5. They're running really low on Jolt Cola 4. Another Saturday Night and they ain't got nobody...... 3. O.J. verdict is in.. Now what? I know....... 2. What those Earth idiots built another one! And the Nunber one reason is... 1. Their always cranky when they just wake up. From: Thomas Catsburg nzsvz9@tpc.natp.gmeds.com Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5Subject: ATTN JMS : Top 10 Reasons why Shadows are coming ... Message-ID: <47vkov$1t@mloeff01.ived.nec.gmeds.com> Here they are, the Top 10 Reasons why the Shadows are coming ... 10. There's no bathrooms on the rim -- and after 1000 years, they gotta go! 9. Black, shiny, organic and deadly are in fashion on the Zocolo. 8. They just HAVE TO join the nightwatch. 7. What? You've got a sky full of stars, and no shadows??? 6. Want equal time on ISN's 36 hours. 5. "The Sleeper" wanted another century of rest and we had to go bother it. 4. Ivanova, where have you been all the aeons? What are you doing tonight? 3. B5 and a shadow ship ... a match made in heaven. 2. Two words -- "Vorlon Sandwiches" and the number one reason why the shadows are coming ... 1. Za'ha'dum just isn't what it used to be. From: orso steven n AND TONIGHT'S TOP-TEN CATEGORY IS: Top Ten Reasons Prospective Visitors To Babylon 5 Are Urged To Leave Their Children At Home 10. Station Security will never forget the day a storyteller read *Green Eggs and Ham* at the Drazi Day-Care Center. 9. MedLab is not equipped to treat the cluster headaches of Minbari youths entering puberty. 8. Station Security receives frequent complaints about Narn teenagers keeping others awake all night with "heavy-calcium" flute-playing. 7. Human toddlers suffer recurrent nightmares after hearing station legends about The Sick and Twisted Monster Who Spaces Teddy Bears. 6. The Babylon 5 Advisory Council has been unable to reconcile the Minbari "Just say NO to alcohol" campaign with the Centauri "Just say YES to alcohol" campaign. 5. Ever since the time a military brat named Wesley got into the Engineering Section, reversed the polarity of the asynchronous tachyon dampers, inverted the plasma field in the dylithium fusion reactors, and . . . oops, sorry, that's from the "Top Ten Reasons Prospective Visitors To Deep Space Nine Are Urged To Leave Their Children At Home." 4. The Personnel Office has been unable to find baby-sitters willing to accept the "standard contractual terms of employment" required by Lumati parents. 3. Centauri boomboxes are no longer welcome aboard the Core Shuttle. 2. Pak'ma'ra children have an unfortunate habit of playing with their food. AND, FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE REASON PROSPECTIVE VISITORS TO BABYLON 5 ARE URGED TO LEAVE THEIR CHILDREN AT HOME IS . . . . 1. Station Security is fed up with the unidentified vandals who break into restricted areas and spray-paint the walls with graffiti that say, "I have always been here" and "We were never away." From: lcrawfor@wittenberg.edu (Crawf) MEMO TO: All Intergalactic Travel Agents From: Babylon 5 field office Re: Travel advisory wrt children Recently one of our staff [hyperlink: Orso, S.] posted a top ten reasons to leave the children at home when visiting Babylon 5 [hyperlink :no cute kids]. We recommend you post this prominently for walk-in traffice as well as include it in information packets for customers inquiring about travel to Babylon 5. Unfortunately, not all travelers will be dissuaded by the previous advisory, so we are forwarding a partial list of do's and don't for those that *insist* on taking their children along despite good advice to the contrary. Differences in age and maturity will cause different kinds of problems, so use your own discretion in which of these handy suggestions you wish to share with individual clients. We will update this list as necessary [hyperlink: Honey! They just killed the kids!] IF YOU MUST BRING THE KIDS TO BABYLON 5, TELL THEM: 1. Don't accept favors from strangers, even if it does involve some creative consequences for siblings. 2. Don't accept dinner invitations from the Pak'Ma'Rah, even if you are to be "the best thing at the dinner." 3. Don't let a Narn "do a carving of you" even if you're told it will bring out "the music inside you." 4. Don't address a Centauri as "Hey, Bozo!" 5. Don't ask a Vorlon for a light. 6. Don't use the expression "Holy shit!" around religious Drazi. 7. Don't run around telling everyone you're one of the Power Rangers. 8. "Itsy-bitsy spider" is a bad song to sing on B5. 9. It is *not* funny to spike the Minbari holy water. 10. Station security will not be amused to hear you want to "blow this dump." 11. Airlocks are not toys. 12. Command and control consoles are not videogame terminals. AND THE MOST IMPORTANT ADIVCE FOR A CHILD ON B5 IS: 13. If somebody named Joe demands you hand over your teddy bear, *give* it to him. larry crawford lcrawfor@wittenberg.edu From: pxc131@psu.edu (Jesse Chang) Pak'ma'ra Cuisine Top Ten List Top Ten Entrees: 10. Finger Sandwiches 9. Morden On-A-Stick 8. Markabroni and Cheese 7. Elvis a la King 6. Baked Alaskan 5. Blackened Redneck (Served with Fava beans and a nice Chianti.) 4. Enchihuahuas 3. Narn Flarn (Tastes like chicken!) 2. Hot Dougs 1. Sloppy Joes* Favorite Beverages: 3. O.J. 2. Bloody Mary 1. Cup of Joe *Note: According to import estimates, Spoo should be the number one item. However, the Pak'ma'ra embassy has released a statement categorically denying any consumption of Spoo by their people. Written by Jesse Chang (pxc131@psu.edu), who takes full responsibility for this abomination. 12/6/95 From: scottm@leapfrog.almac.co.uk (Malinda) Subject: Top Ten List - Films Inspired By Rastb5/Babylon5 10 - Scanners - starring Jason Ironheart and Bester 9 - Taxi Driver - starring Mr. Garibaldi as a man who decided to stop shaving his head before he was fully done 8 - Groundhog Day - starring all of us - we keep on waking up to see the same tired old posts from the dustspecks every day 7 - Gallipoli - starring Jeffrey Sinclair at the line 6 - The Silence of The Lambs - a film mourning the loss of Jeanette from the group 5 - Natural Born Killers - starring Lord Refa and the Shadows 4 - Goodfellas - starring JMS and the cast of B5 3 - La Reine Margot - chroniciling the life story of Thaxton (or was that Fuller or Holland or Fuller or ?) 2 - Pulp Fiction - a film concerning the collected allegations of Theron Fuller And finally, 1 - Trading Places - starring Majel Barret Roddenberry Apologies to anyone (everyone?) except the dustspecks who didn't find this in the least bit funny, like I said I'm bored :-) From: lisab@bdt.com (Lisa B.) TOP TEN REASONS THE DRAZI HAVE ABANDONED THE MODERATION THREADS 10) Pedantic rhetoric useless, prefer settle things Drazi-style. 9) Centauri say humans beating dead cat. 8) You put up straw man. He put up straw man. Straw man must be set free, get courage from wizard. 7) Let Drazi get straight: She puts words in your mouth and you twist words in hers? Is this food thing or sex thing? 6) Debaters not split even numbers! Everybody put name in hat, we decide what side you on from scratch! 5) Last time Drazi send post, get nasty follow-up from Gharlane, criticize Drazi writing skills. 4) Drazi prefer Sesame Street - big fans Cookie Monster! 3) Women on this group refuse to share blessing, if you know what Drazi mean... 2) Drazi thought O.J. trial went on forever! ...and the #1 reason is: 1) Droshalla rules and computer geeks drool!!! LisaB (computer geek) From: jwolf@cybercom.net (James A. Wolf) Subject: Top 10- for VOA (spoilers) Why were they who walk at Sigma 957 so cheezed at the Vorlons? I have a few theories. 1-Those lousy Vorlons always make nasty light-bulb jokes about every other species. 2- Living ship made wee-wee in our asteriod belt. 3- Darn it, we should have been voted most cryptic alien race of the great war! 4-Purple/green 5-How can you trust a species with ships that look like squid? 6- AFC/NFC 7-Marcus was right. The Vorlons owe them money. (They should have taken Dallas without points!) 8-Tastes great/less filling. 9-Gills? How gauche! 10-The Vorlons still insist on using TV for Baconization! Back

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