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watchtoomuch
From: fadmwalker@aol.com (FAdmWalker) You think THAT'S hillarious?! Read
below... YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH BABYLON 5 WHEN.... ...your
hairstyle matches Londo's. your sexual fantasies include Delenn. your
color is hot pink. you believe that in a past life you were a member of
the Grey Council. you can't shake the feeling that B4 is DS9. the only
ancient history you know is Babylon's. you pretend to blackmail Londo.
there is a hole in your mind. you think vulcans are members of the Psi
Corps. you wonder who would win a fight between a minbari and a vulcan.
your .newsrc is exactly "rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5: 1-143406". you
keep saying "data crystal" instead of "diskette". you
finger sinclair@b5.mil.ea and wonder why doesn't it work. ... then you
remember that he's now sinclair@ea_embassy.minbar.gov. ... it doesn't work
either, and then you conclude it must be a problem with the nameserver.
someone uses insecticide, you shout "Do you wanna kill N'grath? Are
you mad?". ... then you don't understand why everyone stares at you.
you try to watch Mutai fights on ESPN. ... you actually call them to
complain about it. you want to brain wipe someone you really hate. you
think Darth Vader is a vorlon. you think Chekov was really Bester doing an
undercover spying mission. you want to become monk of the Third Fain of
Chudomo. you believe the Grim Reaper is a soul hunter. you wonder what did
Captain Kirk do during the Earth/Minbari war. you wanna know if there are
any xenobiology courses in med school. you ask politics experts wether Al
Gore has got the flu already. you are upset because CNN doesn't report
anything about Ragesh 3. you wonder what's wrong when you calculate your
age as >300. your biggest worry is narn expansionism. ... but recent
events change that to *Centauri* expansionism. you fart, and that makes
you think of vorlons. you keep on thinking what went wrong in the Battle
of the Line. your first son has just been born, and you can't think of any
names other than Londo, Lennier and Kosh. you pretend to spend some
vacations on Mars. your dreams include something scary about flutes made
up of bones. you're afraid that your soul will escape if you're cut open.
you think Ivanova *IS* God. you ask the Air Force recruiter about the
Starfury Training Program. you go to the produce section of the grocery
store and ask if their spoo is fresh. your wardrobe consists of nothing
but white, military-pressed collarless shirts and military pressed slacks.
you wonder who would win a testosterone battle between Garibaldi and Tim
Allen. you tell the plastic surgeon you want to have an operation to make
you an anatomically correct Centauri. you have a bumper sticker that says
"My other car's a Starfury". you have a bumper sticker that says
"Warning: Fully loaded Cobra Bay in trunk". you have made a PPG.
you start scouring the world to try and find enough Quantium-40 to make a
jump-point generator. you change from zip then fasten to fasten, then zip.
your WWW client's hot list has over 100 entries and 95% of them point to
Babylon 5 pages. you keep a notepad and pencil next to your bed so that
you can write down what Kosh says in your dreams, should Kosh happen to
appear. at work, you don't go to strikes because of fear of the Rush Act.
you go asking everyone "What do you want?". you wonder why Lt.
Barclay bears a striking resemblance to that demented war vet in B5's
"Downbelow". ... and you wonder how Bester and this war vet got
to different Enterprises in different centuries via the same rift that ate
B4. the phone rings, and instead of picking up the receiver you tap the
back of your hand. you go to the aquarium and wonder if there's any
significance to the fact that there's a kind of fish called the Garibaldi.
you call your cable operator and ask what cable package comes with ISN.
you are watching Letterman when the camera flashes to the audience. Two
women are sitting quietly, not laughing at the jokes and wearing black
gloves. You immediately shout, "Psicorps!". you wreck your car
on the highway by spinning the wheel fully around while traveling at 80
miles per hour, trying to imitate Sheridan as he's leaving the station in
_All Alone in the Night_. you wonder where the hell is that clean,
efficient Minbari power source for your new motorcycle. you catch yourself
looking for rangers in the background while watching an opera. you skive
off work just to see what the TV listings magazines have to say about the
new episode within an hour of them appearing on the shelves. you call your
travel agent and try to arrange passage to Minbar and get directions to
the Earth embassy. you're planning your vacation, and the only place that
appeals to you is Molari State Park. you bite into some fried chicken and
say, "Hey, tastes just like Narn!". you see "Norton
utilities for people", and your brain sees "Morden utilities for
people". you'd like to introduce your sister to Lennier. you begin
fantasizing political conspiracies at your family reunion. you wish you
could stand up when driving your car. the entire weekend is devoted to
preparing and eating one meal. while watching football, all the blockers
look kinda like Kosh. when conversing with a Star Wars fan you claim that
"my shadows can kick your Dark Side's butt". Barney and Baby Bop
look like a viable alien race. you begin to wonder if Bester and Dianna
Troi are related. you fantasize about how JMS would have written "The
Andy Griffith Show". you realize that the "Psychic Friends
Network" is actually the PR division of the Psi Corps. you are
spending the night in a shelter to wait out hurricane Erin, and your only
thought is "I'm going to miss Babylon 5 tonight for sure!" you
are disappointed that your newspapers religion page doesn't list a
Foundationist church. your dreams don't simply include B5 characters and
scenes, instead they are full new episodes. you trust the Psi-Corps,
because the Corps is your friend. you try alligator at a restaurant, and
all you can think of to say is "Tastes like Narn!". you have
always been here. you go to the basement and expect to find a moment of
perfect beauty in the darkness. you look for airlocks to shove irritating
people through. "Scrag 'em" and "Space 'em" have
become part of your normal vocabulary. you call B5-related conversations
"dis-kosh-ion"s. you think genies were Shadow agents. you back
off whenever people ask "What do you want?". you see a spline-based
screen saver, and immediately wonder if Abel Horne has just interfaced
with Control via that computer. you actually try to make sense out of
which side the red thing on Ivanova's uniform is facing on a particular
episode. you turn a mis-printed M&M upside-down and see the Psi Corps
logo instead of an "m". you ask jewelry stores if they carry
gravity-control rings. you offer to bring the little pices of red fruit to
a friend's wedding. ... and then can't keep yourself from saying 'And so
it begins' during the ceremony. you wonder wether cylons have anything to
do with shadows. you wonder wether Starbuck is a ranger. you're not
thinking what you're thinking. you're bored of paying taxes for
subsidizing those martian twits. you get a headache and wonder if you've
been through Sector 14. you start wondering why Oliver Stone didn't
mention the Psi Corp's involvement in the Kennedy assasination. buying
candy from a vending machine, you buy whatever is at selection B-5 (or you
at least look there). you cut yourself just to verify your blood is red -
not yellow or green. Quentin Tarantino appears on a call-in program, and
you call to ask if it was Ambasador Kosh in the briefcase in 'Pulp
Fiction'. you look up the name 'Morden' in your local phone book. ... and
when you find one, you call him up and ask him to have his associates pay
a visit to the Warner Bros. exec who decided to delay broadcast of the
final four season two episodes. ... and then you start reading the
obituaries in 'Variety' hoping to see news that a Warner Bros. exec died
under mysterious circumstances. you start dating someone because when you
ask 'What do you want?' they reply 'Never ask that question!'. ... and
later break up over a green/purple argument. you are watching ALIENS and
you think the Alien queen is really one of the shadows and wonder how
Ripley is going to see her through its "invisibility" screen.
you constantly call all world governments to come together before the
coming of the shadows. you feel you're being nibbled to death by cats. at
a relative's deathbed, you begin forming a wall of bodies, in case a Soul
Hunter appears. you see a beautiful girl wearing purple smiling at you,
but decide not to approach her because you're wearing green and realize
that it could never work out. you commit murder because you were disturbed
while watching it. you are shopping for a new vehicle and the only ones
that you are interested in are Ford Rangers and Dodge Shadows. ... and you
ask the salesman to demonstrate the hyperspace capibilites of the Dodge
Shadow. you look for Mr. Garibaldi to hug when you're feeling insecure.
you want to build a statue to Zathras. your car sings to you while you're
sleep. you ask people "Who are you?", and when they don't answer
correctly, you stick their fingers in an electrical socket. you rack your
brain trying to figure out how the Forces of Light are going to defeat the
Shadows, especially considering how dangerous the Shadow ships are to
other ships. you check the WWW Lurker site every day for the latest news,
and spend your lunches and breaks at work studying the home page sections.
you have memorized "Signs and Portents" and "The Coming of
Shadows", after having seen each episode on tape about a hundred
times. you have memorized an enormous quantity of B5 trivia, and consider
yourself an expert on the subject, even challenging people to quiz you on
anything about the show. you plan an expedition to Z'ha'Dum to rescue
Sheridan's wife. you consider killing President Clark yourself, but then
realize that it wouldn't really help the situation. you threaten someone
you hate with the phrase "You will know pain, and you will know fear,
and then you will die.". you actually have said, "Absofraginglutely."
you want a "Ba-bear-lon 5". you wonder why the UN has not passed
a resolution condeming the Centauri for their agression and use of
outlawed weapons. you want UN peacekeepers sent to the Narn homeworld. you
accidentally cut yourself and all you can say is, "Dead, Dead,
Dead...". you check for Narn before entering a elevator. you try to
buy a TV station that runs B5, and then try to have its call letters
changed to KOSH. you don't trust anyone named 'Sebastian'. you panic when
someone asks 'Who are you?'. you look for an investigative reporter to do
an expose' on the Nightwatch. you put a Vorlon on top of your Christmas
tree. you start looking for "attributes" on your stomach. you
have just been thru a life threatening situation and all you can think of
saying is "Thank the Great Maker.". you decide that your wife
would look good bald. you begin to become attracted to Vir. you start
talking to household appliances and your car. you see the headlights of an
oncoming car and you think it's a Vorlon. you begin wondering when the
rangers are going to overthrow the Grey Council. you wonder how to hide a
Narn war cruiser in your backyard for sanctuary. you begin to plot the
death of Psi Corps for what they did to Talia. you mark the upcoming
episode titles in your datebook. And the most important of all is: you
worship JMS. There :) Apparently from some other WWW site. You know you've
watched too much B5 when: 1. You call a space suit an 'encounter suit'. 2.
You refer to the phone as 'babcom'. 3. You refer to yourself as a
'lurker'. 4. You use 'Ivanova' as a euphemism for 'god'. 5. You laugh if
anyone says 'Ivanova' and 'sex' in one sentence. 6. You start looking over
your shoulder every time anyone mentions the number 13. 7. You accuse
somebody of 'koshing it' if they won't give you a straight answer. 8. You
attack somebody because they're wearing a green tie. 9. You make whistling
noises every time you're about to say something profound. 10. You try to
fasten your watch on the back of your hand so it looks like a B5
communicator./You get an irresistable urge to velcro something to your
hand. 11. Before going to sleep, you look under your bed for Shadows. 12.
You see Die Hard and comment on how much that guy looks like Garabaldi.
13. When you get drunk, you start talking with a Centauri accent. 14. On
your birthday, you get a sudden craving for Bagna Cauda. 15. You refer to
the local 'red light district' as 'downbelow'. 16. You know all four
opening monologues off by heart. 17. You start having nightmares about
soul hunters. 18. You get very wary of anyone wearing black gloves. 19.
You get in an accident and when you call 911, you ask them to send someone
to take you to medlab. 20. You see a bar fight and start calling for
Garibaldi. 21. You consider cocooning yourself as a remedy for hair loss.
22. You hunt through the toy shops for a teddy bear with JS on. 23. You
complain because your local news isn't as good as ISN. 24. You check the
newspaper for the latest on the Mars rebellion. 25. You make comments
about 'gropos' every time you see anything about the army. 26. Someone
asks you where the UN meets and you say 'Earthdome'. 27. You refer to a
gun as a PPG. 28. You spend six hours discussing what Kosh is. 29. When
somebody says 'BFranklin' you think of the doctor, not the Founding
Father. 30. You can spell Strazinscky right. 31. You refuse to go to San
Diego on the grounds that it's a radioactive wasteland. @ 1995 Jenna Povey
and Greg Pearson, may be distributed freely in its entirety. Back
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