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© keeweechic 2001-2007

 

The Texas Prayer

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry,
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.

Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In Texas, Lord, you've put them all!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord for INSECT SPRAY!!!
Don't forget the scorpions, yellow jackets, and wasps that sting, Y'all!

Tips for Northerners Moving South

... or any other aliens

    1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

    2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 75% chance of being right.

    3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

    4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

    6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

    7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

    8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

    9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

    10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

    11. People walk slower here.

    12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

    13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

    14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

    15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

    16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

    17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

    18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

    19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

    20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

    21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

    22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

    23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

    24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

    25. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

    26. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

You Know You're From Texas If....

    1.
    		 You measure distance in hours. (like Lubbock is 8 hours from Houston - who knows how many miles it is)
    2.
    		 You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
    3.
    		 Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
    4.
    		 Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
    5.
    		 You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year
    6.
    		 You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
    7.
    		 All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
    8.
    		 You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked
    9.
    		 You carry jumper cables in your car ..for your OWN car.
    10.
    		 You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
    11.
    		 You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
    12.
    		 You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
    13.
    		 You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
    14.
    		 The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.(high school football is of utmost importance)
    15.
    		 You think that the first day of deer, duck, dove, or quail season are State holidays.
    16.
    		 You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
    17.
    		 You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
    18.
    		 You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
    19.
    		 You know whether another Texan is from southern, middle, or northern Texas as soon as they open their mouth.
    20.
    		 There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
    21.
    		 Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
    22.
    		 You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
    23.
    		 A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
    24.
    		 You understood and laughed at these jokes.

     

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From


One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window. - Texas city male

One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: - Texas female

Visitin' Dall'us

....survival tips

You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live on the inside or outside LBJ Freeway,
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules ....Hold on and pray !!!! There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.
All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline".. which has no beginning and no end.
The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."
The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross traffic's way.
Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street,Sul Ross, Pokolodi and Routh Street.
Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of entertainment.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth !!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillac's have the right of way.
Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections. Unless you're on Storey Rd ......
If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish.
Dallas / Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.
A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north / south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75 m.p.h. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85 m.p.h. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn't ornamental.
Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking .... I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given right.
If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone ... people are not waving when they go by.
The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR.
LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
If it's 10 degrees and sleeting / snowing, the Fort Worth Live Stock Show is going on.
If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round.
Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

 

Its So Hot in Texas That...
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, 'cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year old."
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice that the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and get cooked to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

 

You Know Yer Trailer Trash When...

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

    General:
    1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
    2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
    3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
    5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out:
    1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine
    2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

    Entertaining in your Home:

    1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
    2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

    Personal Hygene
    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
    2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
    3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
    4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

    Dating (outside the family)
    1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
    2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
    3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

    Theatre Etiquette:
    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
    2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
      Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:
    1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
    4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette:
    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
    2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
    5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

Ode To Texas

The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out the State of Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over this barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.

Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.

Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.

'Twas summer now and
Satan lay By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than *!*?*.

A Cowboy`s Guide to Life

Don`t squat with your spurs on.
Don`t interfere with something that ain`t botherin` you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it`s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin`.
If it don`t seem like it`s worth the effort, it probably ain`t.
It don`t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
The biggest troublemaker you`ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
 If you get to thinkin` you`re a person of some influence, try orderin` somebody else`s dog around.
Don`t worry about bitin` off more`n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger`n you think.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Generally, you ain`t learnin` nothing when your mouth`s a-jawin`
Tellin` a man to git lost and makin` him do it are two entirely different propositions.
If you`re ridin` ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it`s still there with ya.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don`t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you`re throwin` your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin` the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin` it back.
Always take a good look at what you`re about to eat. It`s not so important to know what it is, but it`s sure crucial to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.
 Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

Things I've Learned About Texas

 

Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep"
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple no one's seen before.
Possums will eat anything.
Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
 If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.

Texas has 5 seasons:

        Spring, Feb 16 to April 15
        Summer, April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
        Super Summer, July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees)
        Summer, Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
        Fall, Oct 2 to Dec. 1

Fireants consider your flesh as a picnic.
"Coldbeer" is one word.
People actually grow and eat okra.
When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. People drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.
 When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.
"Fixinto" is one word, as is "goan" - go on, or "comon" - come on
The word dinner is confusing. There's only lunch and then there's supper.
"Backards and forards" means I know everything about you.
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"