You thought your dad was weird because he drives around in a fire truck and wears a paper bag over his head when he's in the confession booth. Well, son, you haven't seen weird until you've seen Walken.

Christopher's dad was a drug dealer. Rather than playing in a sandbox, he played in a cokebox. Rather than stacking blocks, he stacked rotary cell phones (it was before touch tone phones were around).

At age 3, Christopher was enrolled in a private preschool called "St. Sandra's school where vicious nuns will abuse you." There was one important thing Christopher learned in private school: Never talk about the tits on a nun, no matter how ready for porn she looks. He was beaten scarred, and mauled. Then the nuns hung him up like a pinata and smacked him with rulers while praising Jesus.

A battered, yet determined Christopher yearned to live life to at least an age where he could be sexually abused by his neighbors. He survived through preschool. However, kindergardten proved to be a greater challenge. Christopher had few friends. His dad scared all of the children so that Christopher would not get bullied. Christopher talked to his overalls and they soon became good friends.

Christopher and his overalls frolicked and played all throughout grade school and into high school. He lost his virginity to his overalls and took them to the prom.

"I fear no man with tits!"

Christopher let his overalls drive him to graduation. Of course, clothing can't drive, so he crashed into a postal car. The postman, Habib, admired Christopher's inquisitive side. Habib loved informing Christopher about the mating habits of number 2 pencils. Habib soon took Christopher into his underground crime lair. Appropriately called "The Crack Cave," the undrground lair had a shitload of guns, drugs, and 24/7 go-go dancers. Christopher broke up with his overalls to bang the go-gos. After touring with the go-gos, Christopher realized that crime wasn't the way to live. Banging four girls at once while dancing like Batman in front of millions was the way to go. Christopher then realized the first part of his name spelled "Christ." So, he invited Jesus to his superbowl party. From then on, Christopher wore a toga.

Christopher, interested in trying new things, experimented with beastiality. After being blown by a swine, he dumped his first pig, Delta Burke, and sought higher, spiritual fulfillment. He dyed his skin yellow to in hopes of joining the cast of the simpsons.

"It was the one thing I wanted in life. Ooh, look, a teeter-totter. Why do they call it teeter-totter. See-Saw sounds better. I'm in the air, I see you. I'm on the ground, I can't friggin see you. But I saw you. It was fun. I love that candy "bonkers." It gives me a big bonk."

His rant lasted way too long. He kept following me everywhere during this interview all day. Into the shower, toilet, ex-girlfriends panty drawer, everywhere! And I didn't even ask him for an interview.

Anysploogemarks, the writers for the simpsons explained to Christopher that if he could jump into an animation cell and audition, he might get the part. Somehow, the fucker got into one, but didn't get any roles. So, a suicidal Christopher did the most dangerous thing he could do. He starred in two movies with Alicia Silverstone:"Blast from the Past" and "Other movie I don't give a shit about." He saw blonde boobies, but got stuck in teen flicks. TEEN FLICKS. They suck! Hello? does anyone remember "Drive Me Crazy?" I drove my car into the movie theater because it sucked so much.

Now, Christopher spends his spare time reading to cancer. Someone neglected to mention the words "patients with" before the word "cancer" when he offered his services. Christopher also wants to encourage everyone to eat at Taco Bell.


Links to other celebrities...
JD Roth
Tony Randall
Natalie from Sports Night
Fred The Baker
Princess Stevenson
Christopher Walken
Rick Moranis


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