He remembered the pain, the stinging sensation that made him realize that his soul really was there. Spike remembered Buffy clutching his hand, how their hands had flamed, and he remembered looking at her and memorizing every one of her features, since he believed it would be the last time that he would see her.
“I love you.”
He had told that she didn’t, but gave his thanks. He had come to believe that the only reason she had said it was because she knew that he was going to die. And that was okay.
Only he hadn’t.
There had been a prophecy, he had found out, known as the Shanshu prophecy. It stated: “The vampire with a soul will help avert the apocalypse and become human. It is his reward.” He had died, but he had come back human, as a result of the prophecy. And now, standing in front of Buffy, he felt his heart break. His slayer had deep black bags under her eyes, attesting to the fact that she probably hadn’t slept in forever, and she was in a camisole and pajama bottoms. But to him, she had never looked more beautiful.
“Hello, luv.” The can had slipped from her hand, spraying Tab all over the floor. Buffy’s hand flew up to her mouth, covering the gaping O of surprise. The look on her face was enough to make even the most hardened heart break. He slowly walked across the room to where she was standing, pausing just before he reached her. Buffy took a couple of tentative steps toward him, and slowly brought her hand up to his face. Her soft hand traced the contours of his jaw, his nose, barely touching his lips, then down his chest. He caught her hand, and pulled her to him.
It felt like he had come home.
He felt wetness on his shirt, looked down and saw that she was crying. Truthfully, crying wasn’t the word. Buffy was silently sobbing. Her slender shoulders were heaving, and big tears were dropping from her pale cheeks. Spike wrapped his arms tighter around her, reveling in her warmth, warmth he now shared.
Spike was human now.
He had traveled all around the world after that climactic battle, trying to figure out why the hell he hadn’t stayed dead. Shamans around the world tried to figure it out, but it was eventually a lone Watcher that had given him his answer. Since there were two vampires with a soul, the Powers that Be had to decide which vampire would be on the receiving end of the prophecy. Since Spike had “died” saving the world, and Angel…well…hadn’t, it was decided that Spike would be made human and Angel would receive his humanity later down the line.
Spike had debated for weeks whether or not he should come back to California. His new status as a human had him very confused and he knew that if he wanted to really know what he was, he had to come back to Buffy. Spike had asked around, only to find that she and the Scoobies were shacking up with Angel and company. He tried not to hope that the Slayer really had meant it when she told him that she loved him, and risked coming back. This response was his reward.
“You’re here.” Buffy whispered her voice cracked and hoarse. “You’re really here. Right in front of me, where I can touch you and see you, and feel you. You’re really here.” Spike nodded.
“Yeah, luv, I am.” Buffy’s ear, which had been resting against his chest, suddenly shot up.
“You came through the front door.” She put her hand above his heart. “Your heart’s beating.” Again, Spike nodded.
“That would be because I’m human, Buffy.” Her wide green eyes grew even wider, impossibly so.
“How?” The word barely reached his ears. His heartbeat coursed in his ears, blood pumping and flowing. He could hear hers start to speed up as well. She was nervous, excited, caught completely off guard by his sudden appearance. That and the fact that he was human now.
“The Shanshu prophecy.” Buffy looked confused.
“The what-who prophecy?” Spike sighed.
“The Shansu prophecy. Don’t tell me the Poofster didn’t tell you about it?” Buffy still looked very confused. “There’s a prophecy that states: ‘The vampire with a soul will help avert an apocalypse and become human.’ It was thought to have been meant for Angel, but it turns out that I’m on the receiving end. At least for now.”
“Angel was going to be human?” Spike nodded.
“Someday. He still will be. I just got moved to the head of the line. I saved the world, ducks, so I got to become human.” Buffy shook her head.
“I can’t believe he didn’t tell me.” Spike sighed, anger rising as he took in her interest in Angel, but he instantly squelched it.
“Maybe he didn’t want to get your hopes up, luv. It’s not set in stone. And I still don’t know why I still have my strength and agility. I have everything a vampire does, ‘cept I don’t have to worry about the sun, I don’t have to feed, and I have a beatin’ heart as well.” Buffy’s eyebrows scrunched together as she stood in thought.
“Maybe Giles will know.” Spike nodded. “I’ll have to call him. He went back to England after…” Spike’s head turned when he heard footsteps thundering down the staircase. It was Dawn.
“Buffy, I didn’t know--” She stopped short when she noticed someone standing with Buffy. “Who’s that standing next to. . .Spike?” The former vampire nodded, feeling his beating heart swell when he noticed the tears that sprang to Dawn’s eyes. His favorite Niblet bounded down the stairs and threw herself into his arms. Repressing a grin, Spike hugged her tightly. She too, was a reason why he had returned to Sunnydale. It was an amazing feeling, to be lov—liked by the two Summers sisters.
“Yeah, it’s me Niblet.” At least Buffy had stopped crying.
“What are you doing here? I thought you died.” She turned to her sister, seeking some sort of explanation, something which her sister could not provide. “What’s he doing here? You told me he died.” Buffy sighed.
“He did, Dawn. He’s here as the result of a prophecy. Do me a favor and go get Angel.” The younger sister nodded and ran up the stairs. The silence that filled the room was deafening. Neither one knew what to say, nor did Buffy trust herself not to start crying if she started talking to him. Or looked at him. Or even thought about him standing there. The tense silence was broken when Angel came downstairs.
“Spike.” The name came out so even and controlled. Spike scoffed and glared at Angel.
“Nancy boy.”
“I thought you died.”
“I did.”
“Then why are you standing here?”
“Why didn’t you tell Buffy about your little prophecy? I believe that’s very rude, withholdin’ information from a lady.” Angel threw a panicked look to Buffy.
“What prophecy? What do you know?”
“The Shanshu prophecy. The one that was supposed to apply to you. Oh wait, whoopsies. Now it applies to me. Hence the reason I’m standin’ here in this bleedin’ hotel instead of in the hole that now constitutes as Sunnyhell.”
“What are you saying, Spike?”
“He’s saying that he’s human, Angel.” Buffy interjected. “And your prophecy is the reason he’s standing here. I want to know why you didn’t tell me about this.” Angel looked away.
“I didn’t want to get your hopes up.” Angel looked away. “Or mine.” Buffy couldn’t meet Angel’s eyes.
“That’s just great, Angel, just great.”
“We’ll have to call Giles,” Angel said, keeping hate filled eyes trained on Spike and conveniently changing the subject. “Find out why Spike’s here.” He glanced at Buffy, who was looking at Spike and vice versa. Neither Buffy nor Spike saw anyone but each other. By this time, Xander, Andrew, Gunn, Fred, Kennedy, Andrew and Willow had come downstairs to see what the commotion was about. Everyone was equally surprised by Spike’s appearance.
“What—Okay, huh?” A tired Xander tried to wrap his brain around the possibility of Spike being there. “Never mind. I’m going back to bed.”
“Who’s the Billy-Idol-wannabe?” Gunn asked, all attitude. Spike shot him a dirty look. The confused group of people saw they were getting information out of no one and dispersed, leaving Buffy alone with Spike. The slayer could not look the former vampire in the eye. She instead focused on cleaning up the spilled Tab.
“Buffy, luv, look at me.” She stopped, fidgeting with the damp towel, still not looking at him despite his soft plea. He walked up to her, and hooked a finger under her chin, forcing her to look at him. “Buffy, pet.” Buffy’s lower lip started to quiver and to Spike’s dismay, Buffy’s eyes welled up with tears. He wiped away a lone tear that had escaped with the pad of his thumb and Buffy pulled away.
“Do you know what my life has been like for the past year? Or how many times I wished for this very thing? Not you being human, just you being back?” Spike looked away.
“No.” He responded quietly. “I don’t.” Buffy resumed cleaning up the spilled Tab.
“Hell. That’s what it’s been like. Do you remember how I was when they brought me back? It was like that, only worse. It felt as though I had died again. There was nothing to my world, Spike. I felt like a damn zombie. I just walked, talked, did everything without thinking. There weren’t colors in my world anymore. You know why? Because everything reminded me of you.” His blue eyes were wide with unshed tears.
“Buffy--”
“I couldn’t think of red because you always wore red silk shirts. And I couldn’t look at the ocean or the sky or anything blue without thinking of your eyes. And I couldn’t walk down the street and see someone with bleached blond hair or even look at the mirror at my own blond hair because it reminded me of you. And I hated the night because it reminded me of black which is all you wore and how you were a creature of the night. It reminded me of our little tryst, when I came to you under the light of the moon, and sex outside by the big lilac bush in the yard. I didn’t see a world in color because I couldn’t be reminded of you. This past year has been hell, Spike.” She laughed bitterly. “God! Do you know how many times I wished that you would just go away? Then when it happened, all I wanted was for you to come back.”
“I know, pet.”
“Do you?”
“Of course I bloody well do! Do you think it was a picnic for me? I didn’t want to die, Buffy, but it was something that had to be done. The world had to be saved, you know that. No matter what the price. I didn’t know what that amulet was going to do. But it needed to be done.” He looked away again. “Do you honestly think that I didn’t want to stick around to see if you and I could have some sort of future? Things had been going so well with you, Buffy. You had finally let me in, let me just hold you, comfort you. There was a lot going on Buffy, which I certainly didn’t want to leave behind. But I did what I had to do.”
Buffy, spilled Tab long forgotten, sat down on the round bench in the middle of the lobby and laid her head in her hands. Spike, unsure of what to do, took a chance and sat down next to the woman who held his now beating heart. She raised her head, tears streaking her pale cheeks.
“My life ended when yours did. There has been nothing in this world since you died. Not a thing to make me smile or laugh or just be happy and content with the world. As far as I was concerned, there was no world when you died.” Buffy said in a choked voice. “I didn’t want to live if you weren’t there with me.” Spike opened his arms in a silent invitation and Buffy laid her head on his chest. Beneath her ear, she could hear a steady thump, thump, thump. His beating heart. They lay like that for a long moment, but Buffy pulled out of Spike’s arms when Angel came down the stairs.
“I talked to Giles,” Angel said, clearing his throat and looking everywhere but at Spike. “He’s going to fly out to help figure out what’s going on. He’ll be out here in a couple of days.” Buffy nodded.
“I’m gonna take a shower and try to get some sleep. I’m exhausted.” The slayer went upstairs, leaving the two men alone together.
“What game are we playing here, Spike?” Spike looked confused.
“No game here, mate,” He pulled the amulet out of the right pocket of his duster. “That little trinket of yours is what made me into…whatever the hell I am. There’s no game there. I’m just as confused as the bloody rest of you.”
“We’re going to figure out what’s going on,” Angel said through clenched teeth. “But Buffy doesn’t need any more stress in her life. Stay away from her Spike.”
“Bugger that,” Spike countered. “You have no bloody idea what went on between the slayer and I.”
“Just back off, Spike.” Spike grinned.
“Sod off, you bloody ponce,” He yanked a cord that opened the curtain, letting the sunlight flood the room. Angel was forced to jump back into the shadows or catch fire. Spike stepped into the warm light before replying. “That right there is the difference between you and I, mate,” Angel had no reply.
***************
The needles of hot water pounded down on her back as Buffy stood in the shower. Unlike previous showers, the tension did not just melt out of her bones. Just like every shower that she had been taking lately, it did no good. If anything, Buffy felt tenser and even more fatigued. Nightmares like those she had been having since Spike died were not good for her sleep. Remembering everything that she had lost when Spike died was not good for her sleep either. It all added up to one very tired, fatigued slayer. She turned around, letting the hot water slide over her face.
Spike was alive.
Spike was human.
Both things raced through her mind, combining into confusing jumbles of information and situations that Buffy could not sort out anymore. Her feelings were something akin to when found out that Angel was alive. Confusion, sadness, wonder.
Hope.
There was a chance for a future with Spike. It wasn’t the first time Buffy had envisioned what life with Spike could be. Many times, especially near the end, Buffy had tried to envision what life after the battle would be like. Because of the feelings she finally been acknowledging, she had played around with the idea of a future with Spike. A rush of feelings overwhelmed Buffy, love and confusion and many others that she could not name. She sank down to the tile floor, letting the water run over her head, into her eyes, not caring. And Buffy started to cry.
She cried for Spike, she cried for herself. Some were tears of relief, joy or wonder. Others were tears of sorrow for what they had lost and for when she had mourned. The tears just would not stop. Buffy saw every bad thing she had said to Spike, measured against the very few good things she had said to him right before the battle. She cried for the possibility of life having something good to it again. Of life having colors, sights and sounds. Buffy cried for the possibility that maybe, just maybe, she could begin to live again.
As the slayer sobbed, tears for her and Spike mixed with the rivulets of water running down her face. And in the tiny shower, with now cold running water, the slayer had never felt more alone.
*******************
The occupants of the Hyperion Hotel were awash in a sea of confusion and curiosity. Those who had known Spike and the circumstances, under which he died, were baffled as to his appearance now, more than a year later. Those who didn’t know him or how he died were curious to find out. Dawn and Willow, two of those who had been most concerned about the loss of Spike, were seated in Dawn’s large, ornate bedroom.
“I’ve been really worried about Buffy,” Dawn commented. Willow nodded her head in agreement. “I mean she’s been having nightmares, and she hasn’t been sleeping and I have no idea what’s going to happen now that Spike’s back.”
“We’ve all been worried about her, Dawnie, and sorry for the loss of Spike,” Dawn sighed. “Believe it or not, most of us had begun to warm up to the idea of Spike being a part of the gang. He had proved that he wanted to fight on the side of good, not just out of love for Buffy, but because he really wanted to change.”
“She loves him, Willow. She told me she finally admitted that she loved him right before he died,” Willow cocked her head to the side, not sure how to respond to the important news. “I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, about the nightmares or that she admitted that she loved him, but I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to tell someone.”
“I know, Dawn. I mean, I know that she loves him. Not that she told him. I think everyone but Xander knows, and the only reason Xander doesn’t know is because he refuses to see what’s right in front of him. But he’s knows. It was kind of obvious that she loved him, even if she refused to see it.” Dawn smiled.
“What do you think is gonna happen with Spike and Angel?” Willow grimaced, having seen what the two of them together caused. Spike and Angel were not a good combination. They were insanely jealous of what the other had and would probably not get along…ever.
“I don’t know, Dawnie. Angel and Spike will never get along. Spike is jealous of what Angel had with Buffy and Angel is probably jealous over the fact that Buffy loves Spike. Geez, that sounds weird.” Dawn nodded.
“It does, but I guess it’s something that we’re just gonna have to get used to. I mean, Spike’s cool and I’m okay with it. He’s been nothing but awesome to me. And I knew from the start that they would make a great couple, but oh no, no one listens to the teenager.”
“With what?” A voice interrupted. “Aww, are we dealing with another big bad? Is it another apocalypse?”
“Xander, hon, you have to listen to the whole conversation. Otherwise, you have no idea what’s going on. Take now, for example. Nothing bad is happening.” Willow commented dryly. Xander shook his head.
“Is it about Dead Boy…er…former Dead Boy?” Both women nodded. “No thank you. I’m not ready to have this conversation.” When Xander left the room, the two resumed their conversation.
“Now that Buffy realizes that she loves Spike, Angel will no doubt be jealous. Just like Spike was jealous of Angel. Who knows what’s going to happen now.”
“Buffy will have to choose.” Dawn said, absently. She hoped that Buffy would pick Spike. Willow nodded.
“The question is, who? I mean, now that Spike’s human, he can do everything that Angel and Buffy could never do. Go out in the sun, get married, have children. He’s still got strength like a vampire and the agility but none of the bad attributes. Spike has the ability to give Buffy the life that she’s always wanted. What chance does Angel really stand?”
*******************
By the time Giles arrived, a mere three days later, tension had already mounted. It took all of Buffy’s strength not to strangle Spike or stake Angel. The two had been at each others throats constantly, bickering over every little thing. Spike taunted Angel with his humanity, angering Buffy more by the minute. If Giles hadn’t shown up when he did, Buffy would have to dispose of Spike’s body and sweep Angel into an ashtray.
“Hello, Buffy,” Giles said as he stepped into the hotel, surveying his slayer’s surroundings. “This is quite a nice hotel.”
“Giles,” Buffy said, angrily. “Help me before I kill both Angel and Spike.” Giles had only looked at her, offering no help and Buffy was left with two very annoying males whose testosterone levels were getting WAY out of hand. It was then that Giles noticed Spike standing there, same exact outfit he had always worn. He wore black jeans, black shirt with an open red satin shirt, and black boots. The duster was hanging on the coat rack. Spike eyed Giles carefully, not forgetting the episode a mere year back when Giles had been part of a plan to kill Spike…for Buffy’s own good. The former watcher had nothing but good intentions now.
“Welcome back, Giles,” Willow said, and after introductions were made, Giles requested to interrogate Spike alone in the vast kitchen. Buffy, of course, insisted that she be there.
“Tell me what happened,” Giles inquired. Spike, intent on being an ass, responded quite innocently.
“What happened when, Rupert?” Giles sighed, figuring it was going to be a long day. Considering who he was interrogating, this was going to take quite a while.
“What happened in the hellmouth, Spike,” Giles said. “Let’s start there.” Spike nodded.
“Right then. I was wearing an amulet that Angel had brought Buffy. It was meant for someone who had a soul but was more ‘n human. Angel meant to wear it, so I figured it was meant for me.” Spike held out the amulet, which Giles studied in awe.
“Then what?”
“I was getting mighty pissed cause I was getting zero juice from the trinket. But, somewhere in the fight, the amulet started to work. All of a sudden, bright…sunlight…was shooting out of my chest. I could actually feel my soul. Kind of stung.”
“Fascinating,” Giles commented, taking notes the whole while. “What happened then?” Spike glanced at Buffy, who looked away. Spike had no doubt that she was remembering their last words to each other.
“Buffy told me that I had done enough but I opted to stay and finish the job. I was…I’m not even sure. I just remember saying, ‘I wanna see how it ends.’ It’s hard to explain it because…well, I was dyin’ ya know.” Giles nodded.
“I understand.”
“I remember waking up, and it was midday. I got the sickly sensation that we vampires get around sunrise and I thought I had to find cover or become a big pile of dust. I stood up, and didn’t start burning. That and I felt that I had a nifty little pulse. I climbed out of the crater and went in search of some answers.”
“Who did you go to?”
“Since I didn’t seem to have my pesky sun allergy, I flew to different parts of the world and went to see dozens of shamans. None of them really knew what to tell me, and then this one bedraggled Watcher showed up.” Giles perked up in interest.
“A Watcher?” Spike nodded.
“Thought it was right strange considering the what all that had happened with the council, but I guess he had been out of the Watcher’s Council for years. He researched it for a bit and figured it was the prophecy. It didn’t say anything about still bein’ strong and havin’ all the fightin’ ability of a vamp.”
“Perhaps the amulet had some side affects,” Giles suggested, thumbing through a couple of books. “Of course, we don’t even know if the amulet has a name, so it’s going to be fairly hard to figure out if it had any side effects.”
“I thought that too, what with me still bein’ strong an all. I have no bloody clue.” Giles had run out of questions to ask, hypotheses, and theories to offer. He had nothing to offer by way of an explanation. In fact, Giles was just as confused as the rest of the occupants of the Hyperion Hotel.
When Giles was confused, that was the absolute bottom.
Everyone had gathered in various areas of the hotel to research the strange phenomena. It was almost like old times.
“Hello,” Fred said to Spike in her innocent way. “I’m Fred.” Spike grinned in his naturally sexy way.
“’Ello, cutie.” He took her offered hand and shook it. “Spike.” She sat down next to him.
“I know who you are. Buffy talked about you a lot,” Spike perked up at this new twist.
“Really?” Fred nodded.
“I was actually surprised, since I don’t know her very well, but I was worried about her and asked her what was wrong. She talked to me a lot about you. She loved to tell the story of the vampire who had the chip installed in his head and turned to the side of good. I think it was therapeutic for her. Buffy was awfully sad after you died.”
“Huh. How ‘bout that?” The conversation was short as Fred was in full research mode. Spike himself was half flipping through a book, half watching Buffy, who was sitting on a chaise lounge across the room. Watching her was winning out.
The object of his affections was wearing a denim skirt and tight white tank top, showing off strong, well muscled arms. Hmm, Spike thought to himself. She looks less tan than I remember. Tearing his attention away from Buffy, Spike grew restless, so he slipped out for a fag. Standing in the garden outside the hotel, Spike let the sunlight warm his skin. Closing his eyes, he took a drag of his cigarette.
“Now that you’re human, you shouldn’t be smoking.” Startled, he whirled around to face her and dropped his cigarette. “Cancer, and what have you.”
“Bloody ‘ell, Slayer!” He exclaimed, a hand over his rapidly beating heart. “Shouldn’t sneak up on a man like that.”
“I didn’t mean to startle you,” Buffy said, sitting down on a bench. Fighting to calm his beating heart, Spike sat down next to her.
“’S alright, I s’ppose,” Spike said. Then there was silence. The sun was shining directly on the bench upon which they both sat, and Buffy closed her eyes, reveling in the warmth. The golden sunlight washed over her face, making her glow. Spike looked on in awe, absolutely thunderstruck that he was sitting there, in the sunlight, with the girl who would always hold his heart.
“You know the last time I saw you in the sunlight, you were trying to kill me,” Buffy commented, green eyes still closed. Spike chuckled.
“Yeah, I remember,” He shook his head. “I had the Gem of Amara and I planned to kill you. That is, until I mentioned Angel and you kicked my ass up and down the courtyard.” She looked at him then, head slightly cocked to the side. “What?”
“You look good in the sunlight,” Buffy commented, still looking at him. More silence. “What was the past year like for you?”
“Hell,” Spike replied, referring back to her description of the past year. “I had gotten so far with you, Buffy, and done things I never thought I would have the chance to do with you. To have something mess that up…” He paused, unable to finish.
“Spike, I--”
“I did what I had to do, Buffy, and I had the chance to go out as a hero. You know the price of personal sacrifice. After all, you sacrificed yourself to save the world.”
“I knew what I had to do,” Buffy shrugged. “Death was my gift. So yeah, I understand. It didn’t make it any easier. It didn’t make it hurt any less to know that you had gotten the chance to go out as a hero. And it sure as hell didn’t change the fact that I still wished that you were with me. You saved the world, Spike, congratulations. But it still didn’t make it any easier.”
“Of course not, Buffy. But it’s not meant to be easy, or clean. Matters of the heart are messy.”
“What was your year like?” Buffy asked again, steering him back onto topic.
“I went to see a bunch of shamans, trying to figure out what the hell it is that’s going on with me. After I talked to that Watcher, I debated about whether or not to come back to California.” Buffy’s head snapped to look at him.
“You weren’t planning on coming back?” Spike looked away. “That’s just great.”
“I didn’t know what was going on with you. If you had moved on or if you even wanted me to come back. It was a toss up, Buffy. Part of me wanted you to have moved on, found someone who could make you happy, who could make the hurt go away. The other part of me was hoping that you had really meant what you said down there and that you wanted me to come back.” Buffy stood up.
“Why wouldn’t I want you to come back?”
“I dunno, luv, you tell me.”
“God, you’re such a bonehead.” Spike grinned.
“An’ you’re shirty.” Both had to grin as they recalled the very first real conversation they had together. That had been the first time they had been completely honest with each other and what they were feeling for each other. Buffy had admitted that Spike gave her the strength she needed to find the scythe and Spike had admitted that he was terrified of the intimacy that he had had for the first time in his life, undead or otherwise. They looked into each other’s eyes for a few moments before Buffy had to look away. The sheer intensity of his smoldering look made Buffy blush.
“I dreamed about you every night,” Buffy said, and Spike looked at her, curiosity piqued. “Well, you know, the nights that I actually could sleep. It was always dreams of you, or dreams of the battle. The ones of the battle were nightmares that kept me up for days at a time. I hated to go to sleep, but that was the only way I could see your face.”
“The feeling’s mutual, luv,” She looked down at the ground, crunching a couple of leaves with the toe of her white sneaker. He watched her fidget, not sure how to put feelings into words.
“It was just like you said. I’d see it all again, do something different. Dozens of different times, lots of different ways…”
“Every night I save you.” Spike finished for her. “I can’t believe you remember that.”
“Of course I do,” Buffy replied. “You were the only one who listened to how I was feeling, who didn’t try to fix me. You tried to get me to see the good in life, at least a life in the darkness. You knew where I had been, how I felt, and you still accepted me.”
“What other choice did I have, Slayer?” He looked off into the distance. “You’re all I ever bloody think about. You’re in my soul, my heart, my gut. I couldn’t get rid of you even if I wanted to.”
“I still can’t believe you’re really here,” Buffy said, standing in front of him. “Right in front of me, clear as day. I can reach out and--” She ran a hand down his razor sharp cheekbone. “Touch you. And kis--” Spike stopped her words with his lips as they crashed into hers. Since it was the first time they had kissed in over two years, Spike lightened the pressure of his lips to feather light, driving Buffy wild. This kiss was different. This time, his lips were warm, and Buffy could feel his heart pounding through his black tee-shirt. His lips coaxed hers open and his tongue sought access to her mouth. Buffy moaned when their tongues met, as his lightly caressed hers. This is what she had been waiting for.
She had waited years to be kissed like this.
They finally pulled away, breath becoming an issue for the both of them. Their foreheads rested against each other as they fought for breath.
“Wow,” Buffy said breathlessly, cradling one cheek in her hand.
“Cor, you’re beautiful,” She kissed him again, just as feather light as his kiss had been and then pulled away. His passionate speech about why he loved her flashed through Buffy’s mind. Looking at the fine male specimen standing in front of her, Buffy felt emotions she had long thought were dead course through her veins. But somewhere, in the deep recesses of her mind, something overshadowed the love she felt the man that was standing in front of her.
Fear.
It had been so long since she had felt the intense feelings that Spike brought out in her. No, she had never felt like this. Spike made her feel different. He made her feel completely alive, that nothing was out of reach for her. It was intense. And Buffy wasn’t sure if she was ready for the no holds barred and emotionally messy love that would come if she got together with Spike. So Buffy did the most logical thing possible. She pulled out of his arms, away from the kisses and the tender caresses.
And she walked away.
*************
Giles met Spike later that night, armed with a theory and not much else. Spike had picked a room, just down the hall from where Buffy slept, and had been reading.
“To what do I owe this pleasure, Rupert?” Spike asked, dryly.
“Oh, well I-I have come up with a theory, I believe,” Spike nodded.
“Fill me in then,” Spike said, setting down the book of poetry he had been reading when Giles came in. Giles noted when Spike removed a pair of small silver spectacles and set them down on the night stand.
“Well, Spike, through my research and that of the others we’ve come to believe that you’re a, uh--” Spike sighed in annoyance.
“Spit it out, Rupert, I a’int got all day,” Spike growled. Giles took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“We believe that you’re a male slayer.” Spike’s eyes grew wide.
“A what?”
“A male slayer. The first, in fact. It would explain your strength and agility. Of course, it’s only a theory.”
“Bloody ‘ell,” Spike muttered, and it was then that Spike noticed Buffy standing behind Giles, intently listening to their conversation. “Slayer?” Giles stepped aside, letting Buffy step into the room.
“I’ll keep researching it more thoroughly,” Giles said, and made a hasty exit from the room. There was a rather tense silence. Neither knew what to say, until Buffy broke the silence.
“Male slayer, huh?” Buffy said. Spike sighed.
“No one really knows, luv.” He looked directly at her. “I wonder what would come of us then. If there is an us, that is. Two slayers, what a concept.” She walked over to the bed. Spike slid over and she sat down next to him.
“Three,” Buffy corrected. “Can’t forget about Faith. And I don’t think it would really have an impact,” Buffy replied, wiggling to get more comfortable against the headboard next to Spike. “There’s no record of a male slayer so there can’t be a record of a romance between two slayers. I guess no one would really know what the effect would be.” Spike looked at her quizzically.
“What is this? You and I?” Buffy sighed.
“That line sounds vaguely familiar.” Spike chuckled. “I don’t know what we are. Or what we could be.” Spike nodded.
“Right then, back to your confused self.” Buffy, suddenly very angry, jumped up from the bed.
“What? Did you think you could just show up and we could just start a relationship?” Spike stood up, angry as well.
“Bloody hell, Buffy! I didn’t know what to expect. That’s why I almost didn’t come back. But I also didn’t think I could take the not knowing. Not knowing how you are or what you’re doing. And now that I am here, I’m just as bleedin’ confused. I don’t know what goin’ on here, Buffy, with me or with you.” Buffy’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m terrified, Buffy, of loving you and it not being returned.”
“And I’m not? It’s been a year, Spike. Over a year. Time spent wishing that you would come back, and now that you’re here, I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I can do. But I can’t do this, Spike. I can’t have kisses and uncertainty and unfulfilled promises. I can’t…” Buffy started crying. “I can’t have you back in my life only to lose you again.” Spike’s anger just melted away at her words. She was hyperventilating as she cried and Spike took her into his arms.
“Buffy, luv, I’m here to stay.” Buffy sniffled in response. “No matter what happens with me, I’m going to stay with you. You tried for years to get me out of your life, and that didn’t work. I stuck around, even turned my back on my true nature in order to be the kind of man that you wanted. No matter what, come hell or high water, I’m here to stay.” Buffy looked at him, tears streaking her cheeks.
“Don’t leave me, Spike, please don’t leave me.” Spike’s heart broke when she buried her head in his shoulder, sobs resuming once more. He tightened his arms around her. “I don’t think I could take it if you left. Not again. Everyone leaves me, Spike. Just please don’t leave.”
“Never, Buffy,” Spike responded. “I’ll never leave you.” Buffy suddenly pulled away, and Angel stepped into the room.
“Spike,” Angel said. Spike grabbed his cigarettes and stormed out of the room. Angel sighed when he caught sight of Buffy’s tear stained face. “What did he do?”
“Nothing,” Buffy said. “Not that it’s any of your business.”
“Buffy, I—”
“Mind your own business, Angel,” Buffy warned, her voice threatening. “You have no right to be getting up in my business especially not where it concerns Spike. I don’t want to hear you spout off novels about how wrong he is for me and how he can never deserve me because I don’t want to deal with it. I’m not even sure what’s going on with Spike and I, so just back off.”
“Buffy, I just want to know what’s wrong.” Angel replied defensively. “There’s no need to go off on me like that.”
“God, where do I start?” Buffy said, laying her head in her hands. “Everything is so screwed up, Angel. I’ve wanted this, prayed for this, for the last year. All I wanted was a second chance, the chance to tell him how I really felt in a situation where he wasn’t going to die.”
“You took his death really hard didn’t, you?” Buffy nodded.
“I love him, Angel, and I had just told him when he died. I had nightmares about that night. I still do.”
“So what’s going on between you guys now?” Angel asked, quietly.
“I don’t know,” Buffy said honestly. “I love him, but…”
“But what, Buffy? As much as it pains me to admit it, this could be good for you. He loves you, Buffy, even I know that. So what’s stopping you?”
“I am,” She said, quietly. “I’m terrified.”
“Of what? Being in love?” She shook her head.
“Losing him.”
“Losing him how, Buffy? I’m not really following you here.” Then again, who did follow Buffy logic?
“Every guy that I’ve loved…” Angel looked away. “Has left. I loved them and they left me. You left me, because you wanted me to have a normal life. Hello! Not normal. I’m never going to have a normal life. Riley left because I could never fully let him in. I kept him at a distance, and I knew it. I couldn’t help it. Plus, he had some stupid sense of male ego and couldn’t handle the fact that I was stronger than him. Every guy I love leaves. And I don’t know how much more of that I can take.”
“I understand, Buffy.”
“I wouldn’t be able to take it if he left too.”
“He’s not going to leave you, Buffy.”
“Yeah? I never thought you would leave me either.”
“Buffy, that’s not the issue. I did what was best for you. I promise that Spike won’t leave you. You have my word.” Buffy looked down at the ground.
“Yeah, cause that’s worth a lot.”
Chapter Three
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