Spike found himself spending a lot of time outside, on the bench in front of the Hyperion. After not being in the sun for over a hundred years, Spike really wanted to enjoy it, as if it would all just fade away.
Knowing his luck, it probably would.
On top of not knowing what was going on with his humanity, Buffy was completely shunning him. It had been two weeks since they had kissed and every time they were in the same room, Buffy left. Each time she did, his heart broke a little more. Same old confusion about what she was feeling. Spike could feel every bit of progress that he had made before he died slip away. Buffy didn’t want to be with him. Spike sighed and took a long drag on his cigarette. Since the weather in Los Angeles in June could be really pissy Spike was getting rather hot and took off his duster.
“Mind if I sit down?” Spike looked up to see Willow standing in the doorway. The slender girl looked like she had been standing there for awhile. He put out his cigarette and motioned for her to sit.
“What can I do for ya, Red?” He looked off in the distance. “Not quite sure I can help ya with anythin’”
“What’s going on with you and Buffy?” Willow asked, in a sympathetic tone. “I mean, she leaves the room every time that you come into it, she’s still all moody and pissy, and she cries ten times as much as she did when you died.”
“Cor, where do I start?” He shook his head. “Somethin’ spooked her an’ now she avoids me every time we’re in the same room together. We kissed, Red, and now she’s all afraid that I’m gonna leave.” Willow nodded.
“She’s been really withdrawn over the past year and a half. She took your death pretty hard, Spike.”
“Yeah, so I’ve heard.”
“Do you love her?” Spike looked at her like she had grown another head. “I mean, really love her?”
“Of course I bloody well do. In a hundred plus years, she’s the only thing that I’ve ever been sure of. She’s been my bleedin’ sun, and represents everything good and right in this world. Loving her made me want to do good, and her love is what keeps me doin’ it.” Willow looked in awe.
“I think I know why she’s been avoiding you,” Willow said and Spike looked at her in expectance. “I think she’s afraid that you’re gonna leave.”
“I’ve been around long enough that she should know that no matter what, she’s not getting rid of me. I don’t how I can bloody well prove that any better than I have. She pushed me away, deinvited me from her house and I still stuck around. She beat the hell out of me for calling her my girl and I still stuck around. I’m not gonna bloody well pack it in now.” Willow nodded.
“It’s just a thought.” There was a pause. “I’m really glad you’re back, Spike.” He looked at her in surprise.
“You are?”
“Of course. Now that you’re back, maybe Buffy will be happy again. Plus I kind of missed that British charm and sarcasm. With Anya gone….” Spike nodded.
“I’m glad to know I was missed, Red,” Spike replied, flashing his trademark sexy grin.
“Yeah, well, don’t let it go to your head.” Willow got up. “I’m gonna go inside. I hope things get better for you guys, Spike.” He lit up another cigarette as he watched her go inside. His breath caught in his throat when Buffy came out the door, dressed in a pair of white Capri pants, a teal tank top, and a pair of open back tennis shoes. She carried a white mini backpack.
“Slayer.” Spike said, and Buffy stopped in her tracks. When she noticed him standing there, she went back to fumbling in her backpack, completely ignoring him.
“Spike.” She said after a moment. He dropped his cigarette and snuffed it out with the toe of his scuffed black boot. She barely looked up when he got up and walked in front of her.
“Buffy, look at me,” Spike said, his voice pleading. She zipped up her backpack and finally looked at him. He noticed the teal shadow dusting her eyelids making her green eyes stand out even more.
“What, Spike?” He sighed. This definitely wasn’t going to be easy.
“Where are you goin’ pet?” He asked, searching her face for any semblance of love.
“Shopping. I need some new shoes.” She paused, and grabbed his arm. “Come to think of it, you need a new wardrobe as well.” Spike protested loudly, all the way to the mall. It was a short walk, but still. He followed Buffy into the air conditioned mall and sighed as she dragged him into Dillard’s.
“I have nothin’ to buy in here, luv,” Spike commented when he saw the preppy clothing she was suggesting. “I’m perfectly happy in my duster and jeans. Better yet, I think I’d rather go naked than wear this wanker wear.” Buffy sighed.
“As pleasing as that thought is, you’re human now, Spike, and I think it’s time to update your look.” She grabbed a few items of clothing and shoved him toward the dressing room. When he emerged, the look on her face was enough reward for the form of torture.
“I feel like a bleedin’ ponce,” Spike grumbled as he stepped in front of the wall that held the full length mirrors. “This just isn’t me.” Buffy had to disagree.
He was wearing a pair on tan khakis, a white turtleneck, and a new leather jacket. To Buffy, he looked absolutely amazing. Almost like a picture of Nick Carter she had seen in a magazine one time, and god did he look sexy. The preppy look was something totally different for him, but it worked.
“You can keep the duster, then. Or just go with the outfit. I look it looks amazing.” Buffy said, desperate to compromise so she could get him the outfit. Spike looked from his reflection (still something that got to him everyday) to Buffy, and back to his reflection. The look on her face to him that she wanted him to get the outfit, just so she could see him in it.
“Fine,” Spike said, sighing. “We’ll get the bloody outfit.” Buffy grinned, making Spike’s heart skip a beat. She took him around the store, making him get a pair of dress pants and a dress shirt before whipping out a credit card and paying for it all. Buffy then proceeded to drag him to the ladies formalwear section of the store.
“My turn,” Buffy declared, walking amid the sparkly dresses, selecting a few.
“One question, luv,” She poked her head out from behind a dress.
“Huh?”
“When are we gonna need these dressy clothes?” Buffy smiled, which turned into a sexy grin melting Spike on the spot.
“Who knows?” Buffy said, disappearing into the dressing room. Spike spotted a chair, and had just plopped down when Buffy stepped out of the dressing room. His breath caught in his throat.
She was wearing a dark blue, floor length gown. The metallic of the blue caught Spike’s eye when she stepped in front of the mirror. Two butterflies, sparkling with diamonds, rested on each shoulder strap, and the gown just flowed down Buffy’s body. It was so simple, so demure, that Spike was in awe. Such a simple dress made Buffy look like the goddess that she was.
“You like?” Buffy asked, grinning like a Cheshire cat. Spike, mouth dry and unable to form words, just nodded. “Good.” He came up behind her, and wrapped his arms around her waist. Spike placed kisses on her shoulders and neck, making Buffy sigh in pleasure.
“You’re so beautiful,” Spike whispered in her ear, just before gently biting her earlobe. “Absolutely amazing.” He had to grin when goose bumps rose all along her skin.
She ended up buying the dress.
They stopped for smoothies on the way back to the hotel, hers banana, his strawberry. There was silence the whole way back, each sipping their smoothie and not sure what to say. They stopped just outside the hotel, and sat down together. The bench outside the Hyperion was quickly becoming a sunny meeting place for them to finally talk about their feelings.
“This is nice,” Spike commented. Buffy nodded. “’Specially since I haven’t been seein’ very much of you.” Buffy looked away.
“Sorry ‘bout that.” Buffy said softly. “I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking and I couldn’t do that with you around.”
“And what did all this thinking lead to?” Buffy shrugged.
“I’m not sure.”
“What are you afraid of, Buffy?” Buffy studied her smoothie as if it held the answer to everything. “I mean, what’s stopping you and me from being together?”
“I am,” Buffy said, so soft he barely heard her reply. “I’m what’s stopping us from being together.”
“But why Buffy? I don’t understand.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” Buffy said, her voice choked.
“Buffy, I’ve already told you, I’m not going to leave you.” Buffy shook her head. “And I can’t say that I follow you on that logic, luv.”
“That’s what they’ve all said.” He looked at her in confusion. “Every guy that I’ve loved has left me. Don’t you think they promised they wouldn’t leave? Angel left because he thought it would give me a normal life. All that really did was screw things up for Riley and I. Riley left because I could never let myself get close to him and he was jealous of m strength. He didn’t protect out of love, he tried to protect out of a misguided sense of male ego. They all left. Every time I love someone, they leave.”
“So you’re afraid that if you love me, I’m going to leave?” Buffy nodded, tears starting to trickle down her cheeks.
“I keep thinking that if I don’t love you, you won’t leave.” She looked off in the distance. “Okay, I know it’s dumb. It’s a totally stupid logic, but it’s how I think. It’s the way that I think. I don’t think I could take it if you left.” Spike got and wrapped his arms around her.
“Buffy, listen to me.” She looked at him, tears making her green eyes impossibly clear. “I swear to you, on my life, that I will never leave you. You’ve tried to get me out of your life. You’ve deinvited me from your home several times. You’ve beat the hell out of me just for calling you my girl and I still stayed. If I had wanted to leave, I would have bloody well done a long time ago. I’m not gonna leave now. ”
“I can’t do this, Spike. I can’t love you. I can’t put my heart on the line again, because…because I don’t think there’s anything left to put on the line. It’s been broken so many times that there’s nothing left. I just can’t love you. I can’t be with you.” She might as well have taken his heart and ripped it out of his chest. “It’s just better this way.” She slipped out of his embrace, and headed to her room. When she reached the stairs, Buffy started to sob. Out in front of the hotel, Spike watched her until she got the stairs.
And that’s when the tears started to fall.
************
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
I think I just did something really stupid. I just told Spike, lord only knows why, that I couldn’t love him. The question is how can I not? How can I not want him? How can I not miss him when he goes away? How can I not want to hold him?
I can’t.
But I told him that I couldn’t. That I wouldn’t.
God, I’m dumb.
So I guess the question is, what do I do now?
**************
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I wanted so long to be a part of something real. A love that could last forever, that wouldn’t shatter my heart into a thousand pieces. I wanted…a guy who would stick around. I wanted a guy that would keep, that wouldn’t be intimidated by my strength and incredible self involvement. Angel left, Riley left, Parker never wanted to stick around. Spike was the one person who I never wanted to stick around. I hated him. Loathed him. Then he got his soul. And he stopped pressuring me to give in to my ‘love’ for him. And the whole time he showed me every reason why I could fall for him. And I did. I fell completely in love with him. And then he died.
He’s been given back to me as some sort of…gift. And one of the very first things that I do is turn him away. He loves me, I love him, and he is willing to be with me for however long it works out. So what’s the problem?
I’m dumb that’s what.
Buffy didn’t feel any better after writing some of her feelings down. In fact, she felt worse. Every day for the past year and a half, Buffy prayed for Spike to come home so she could be with him. She prayed for the strength to live without his love, which he had so selflessly given. She prayed for the strength to move on and find someone new. But most of all, she prayed for his return.
Now that he had come back, she was doing everything she could to royally screw it up. He was really there, alive…and human. Spike still loved her, still wanted her and he wanted to start something new. So what does Buffy do?
She turns him away.
Most people, when they get the miracle that they’ve been praying for, accept it without a moment’s hesitation. Not Buffy, no sir. She turns it away. Buffy’s heart ached when she thought about the look on Spike’s face when she walked away. She had broken his heart.
And by breaking his, she had broken her own as well.
Buffy’s already broken heart could not take any more. There was just nothing left to break. It needed to be mended, put back together with love and tenderness. She herself was seeing to keeping it in its broken state. Buffy wanted to love him, she did, and she wanted to start something with him. But the fear wouldn’t let her.
The fear was ruling her life.
“You’re a dope!”
“I’m what?”
“You’re a dope, and a bonehead, and …you’re shirty.”
“Have you gone completely Carrot-top?”
“You see this? This may actually help me fight my war. It may be the key to everything, and the reason I’m holding it is ‘cause of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. Look, I’m tired of defensiveness and weird mixed signals, you know what, I’ve got Faith for that. Let’s just get to the truth. I don’t know how you felt about last night, but I’m not gonna--”
“Terrified.” Spike replied.
“Of what?”
“Last night was…” He took a deep, unneeded breath. “God, I’m such a jerk. I can’t do this.”
“Spike…”
“It was the best night of my life.” He pointed to the scythe. “If you poke fun of me you bloody well better use that ‘cause I couldn’t bear it. I may not mean that much to you…”
“I just told you it did.”
Buffy closed her eyes against the flood of memories, wanting to relive that night, but at the same time dreading the memory. The conversation had been so real, so honest, something that had never gone on between the two of them. It was real; it betrayed both of their fragility and their desire to have something more than…lust between them.
“I know, I hear you say it but…” His voice was choked with emotion. “I’ve lived for soddin’ ever, Buffy, I’ve done everything—I’ve done things with you I can’t even spell, but I’ve never…been close. To anyone, least of all you…until last night. All I did was hold you, watch you sleep, and it was the best night of my life. So, yeah, I’m…terrified.”
“You don’t have to be.” He regarded carefully, head tilted to the side, just gazing at her.
“Were you there with me?”
“I was.”
“What does that mean?
“I don’t know,” She said after a beat. “Does it have to mean something?”
Buffy lay down on her bed, journal next to her, and cried until she was sure there were no more tears. But as the sun was starting to set on the horizon, the tears started falling once again.
****************
Xander sighed in frustration as he heard sobs coming from Buffy’s room for the umpteenth time. No doubt, Spike had done something to hurt Buffy. Or maybe, Xander thought, it was the other way around for once. Xander rubbed an aching temple with one hand as he headed to Willow’s room. The red haired Wicca was lying on her stomach on her bed playing on her laptop. His best friend grinned when he came into the room.
“Hey, Xander.” He sat down next to her on the bed.
“Hey, Will,” There was silence. “Why is Buffy crying?” Willow sighed and shut her laptop.
“It’s complicated, Xander,” Willow started before Xander interrupted her.
“Is it because of Spike?” Willow looked away before nodding. “God, if he hurt her…”
“He didn’t hurt her, Xander. You know, I love you to pieces but sometimes, you are just so dense.” She threw her hands up in exasperation. “They love each other. Yes, Buffy loves Spike. He loves her. Buffy was torn up when he died and now that he’s back, Buffy is extremely confused. Both of them are gauging their surroundings, trying to figure out where they fit in, and if they have a place for a romance.”
“You mean she’s actually thinking about dating him again?” Willow nodded. “Not again. I mean, yeah, the guy is human now, but still…it’s Spike. This can’t be good.”
“I imagine she is. Buffy hasn’t really been talking to anybody about how she feels. Xander, she’s in pain. She loves him but I think she’s afraid that if they start something, he’s going to leave her.” Xander laughed bitterly.
“Now why would she think something like that?”
“Xander, sarcasm is nobody’s friend. She loved Angel, and he left. She loved Riley and he left. She loved Spike and he died, which is kind of the same. She’s afraid that if she falls for him, like she hasn’t already, he’s going to leave her. Although, he’s sworn up and down that he would never leave her. Angel’s promised to make sure he doesn’t leave. I don’t see what’s keeping her from going after him.”
“Her conscience, maybe?”
“He’s good for her. You have to admit that. Spike saved the world. He died saving it. She’s turning away a very good thing, and I think it’s going to hurt her even more.” Xander sighed.
“Okay, this doesn’t leave this room. I’ll admit, her and Spike could be good for each other. And he’s human now, so no more big bad evil vampire. I’m just worried about her, Will. I don’t want to see her get hurt again. I want her to be happy.”
“We all are, Xander and we all want her to be happy. That’s why we have to get her to see just what she’s letting go.” Xander nodded.
“Okay, then. Time for a plan.”
*******************
Buffy was in full shopping mode. In typical Buffy fashion, whenever she was happy, sad, mad, irritated, or just about any other emotion, Buffy bought shoes or kicked some demon ass. Shopping was the cure today. Buffy knew something was wrong when shopping didn’t help. She had bought four new pairs of shoes, two new pairs of capris, and three new sexy halter tops.
The ache in her chest didn’t cease.
She hadn’t seen Spike in the week since she had told him that she couldn’t love him. Actually, one week, two days, three hours, twenty two minutes, but who was counting? Buffy saw him every day, and ignored him just the same. She had to leave the room or she would see the pained look on his face and she didn’t think that she could stand that. Sighing in frustration, she threw her new sexy stilettos back into their box.
Buffy missed Spike. Really missed him, and it was dumb to miss someone who was just six feet away. Buffy knew that her logic was dumb, that she intentionally doing this to herself. But something in her would not let that little glass box she had built around her heart be penetrated. Not after being hurt so many times before.
It was a funny thing, being this close to him, yet purposefully not going down the hall to his room. He was just four rooms away….
“Ugh!” Buffy growled.
Maybe another trip to the mall would help.
*****************
She returned to the hotel a couple of hours later, still in the same mood. Buffy sighed when she caught sight of the metallic blue dress that she had bought with Spike. It was then that a note of her bed caught her eye. She picked it up and read:
Tonight, at 6:00 p.m. a driver will pick you up. Make sure you wear the blue dress.
There was no name, leaving Buffy curious. Then a thought struck her: Spike. But would he really just leave her a note, without a name? It seemed kind of odd to Buffy.
She didn’t have time to contemplate that question since it was already four o’clock. Buffy took a quick shower, dried off, and dusted sparkling bronzer all over her body. After thinking for a minute, she manipulated her shoulder length hair into a decent looking French twist, leaving a few tendrils framing her face which she curled. Buffy then did her makeup, dusting her eyelids in a light blue eye shadow.
Then came the dress. After zipping up the dress, the girl in the mirror looked foreign to Buffy. She fastened a diamond encrusted cross around her neck and put on the matching earrings. The ensemble was complete when she grabbed a compact dark blue purse.
Smiling for the first time that night, Buffy put on her new sexy stilettos. She looked good. Buffy glanced at the clock on the night stand and noticed that it said six o’clock on the dot.
Perfect, Buffy thought as a limo pulled up to the hotel. Fred, Gunn, Angel and Wesley were sitting in the lobby when she came downstairs. Gunn whistled, and Angel looked away with a pained look on his face. Buffy felt a twinge of nostalgia, for she and Angel never got to do anything like this. Not in their world. The world then had been demons and vampires and a doomed love. No. There had been no time for fun evenings like this one.
“What are you all dressed up for?” Gunn asked, looking her up and down.
“I’m going out,” Buffy replied. Think about that, Buffy thought to herself. It feels good to have them wonder.
“Where?” Buffy smiled, and shouldered her deep blue purse.
“I don’t know. It’s a surprise. I’ll be home later on tonight. Don’t wait up.” As she walked out the door, she could feel everyone’s eyes on her and Buffy thought, it’s good to be me.
The driver was standing next to the limo and moved to open the door when he saw her come down the walkway.
“Are you Buffy Summers?” When she nodded, he handed her a red rose and opened the door for her. She got in and tried to calm herself down as the limo headed to her destination. To try to calm herself down, she messed with the radio and the television that were in the back of the limo. Buffy played a few video games, and was still as wound up as she was when she first got into the limo. The struggle to calm down was futile.
When the limo pulled up in front of Spago’s, an extremely upscale restaurant, Buffy could have sworn her heart would jump out of her chest. She grabbed her purse; the driver opened her door, and helped her out. Spike stood at the top of the stairs.
Buffy was speechless.
He was wearing the khakis they had bought together, the white turtleneck, his new leather jacket, and new boots. Damn, he looked good. Buffy had good taste in clothes. As Buffy stepped up to the bottom of the stairs, she could not move. Standing on the steps, he looked every bit like a prince from a fairy tale.
Her prince.
As if in slow motion, he slid down the stairs and stopped next to her. There were no words as he held his arm out to her. She took it and together they entered the restaurant. Buffy could have sworn every eye in that restaurant were on them. She glanced around and saw many famous people, adding to her nervousness.
“Reservation for two,” Spike told the host.
“Name?”
“Masterson,” Spike replied. “William.” The host nodded, grabbed two menus and showed them to their table. All gentleman like, he pulled out her chair for her before sitting down. Without his leather jacket, the white turtleneck clung to all the right, well developed muscles. He looked completely different from the Spike she knew.
“How did you do this?” Buffy asked in awe, looking at the upscale restaurant. There were flowing silk curtains decorating the windows, and décor of the restaurant made Buffy feel like she was in a fairytale. Sighing in contentment, she grabbed a single rose from the bouquet on the table, inhaling its wonderful aroma. Spike shrugged.
“I have my ways, pet.” His face glowed in the candlelight, casting a golden glow over his pallor. “I had to do something where we could wear the fancy clothes you insisted we buy. I figured this was the only way we would get to do that.” Buffy nodded, completely enamored by the dress and air of the people around them.
“This is amazing, Spike. Honestly, I’ve always wanted to eat here, but I’ve never had the money and my dad would never take me.” Buffy breathed. He grinned, making her heart skip a beat.
“Anything for you, ducks.” A blush colored her cheeks, but thankfully the waiter saved her. They ordered their food and sat in silence.
“Buffy?” Spike’s voice interrupted her thinking, snapping her back to reality. She focused her gaze on him. Lord, the way he was looking at her….
“Spike, I--” He put a hand up to stop her from continuing. He had some things to tell her and they would never get said if she started to talk.
“Buffy, look,” He sighed and looked away. “I know why you said what you said. Defense mechanisms, luv. Doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt, because it did, but I understand.”
“Do you?” Buffy shot back. “Do you really know what its like to have every guy that I love leave? What it was like to think that it was my fault? That I couldn’t keep a guy? I knew that something had to be wrong with me if I couldn’t make them stay.” Spike sighed again.
“Okay, here’s a question. Do you know what it was like to hear you tell me that you missed me? That you dreamed about me and wanted me to come back? Do you know what it was like to tell me how your world went to hell after I died? I don’t think you really do, Buffy. It meant the world to me.”
“I know,” She said, quietly. “But, I--”
“Don’t tell me that I don’t know the hell that you went through, okay? Because I do. The thing that gets me is that you talk of how much you missed me, but then you turn around and completely shut me out. I know what I want. I want…a future with you, Buffy. I want to have what I’ve been dreaming about forever. But I don’t know what I can do for you. I got my soul. I’ve become a completely different man. I don’t know what else to do to prove that I love you.” Buffy shook her head.
“I know that you love me,” The waiter came with their food then, and she left it at that.
When they had finished their dinners, he paid, grabbed his coat and took her to the limo. When he climbed in with her, she was surprised.
He gave the driver no directions; he must have known where to go ahead of time. When they got out, they were at the Santa Monica pier. Spike ordered them some ice cream; put his jacket down on the bench for Buffy, and then they sat down.
“I know that you love me,” Buffy reiterated. “It took me awhile to realize it, but I do know. It’s not even a question of that.”
“’S good to know, love.” Buffy stared up at the starry sky. “You have ice cream on your lip.” She didn’t have time to think before he kissed her. All thoughts of ice cream, and everything else just went away.
There was only him.
They just sat there, enjoying each other. She tasted vanilla on his lips. Then her arms were around his neck, pulling him closer. Spike groaned when Buffy dug her fingers into his curly hair. They kissed hard, desperate, like they couldn’t get enough of each other.
They kissed like two people in love.
Spike pulled away and led her to the limo. The ride was filled with tender caresses and kisses, new territory for them both. When they arrived at the hotel, he helped her out, walked her through the door, and to her room. They stopped outside her door, and he kissed her with more tenderness than anyone had ever shown her. And as he was leaving she murmured, “I love you.”
He stopped, turned around, and looked at her. The grin Spike gave her could have stopped any heart. Then he turned and walked away. He didn’t need to tell her that he loved her. She already knew.
She had known for years.
Buffy was floating on cloud nine as she went into the bathroom to change clothes. After putting on her favorite pajamas (the pink ones with Sleepy across the front of the tank top), she glanced in the mirror.
Buffy was glowing.
That hadn’t happened in a long time. She looked like a girl in love.
Buffy had come to redefine the meaning of love. She had always believed that love was supposed to hurt, that that’s where the fire and the passion came from. It was about having a knife in your heart and hoping that the other person didn’t twist it. But love wasn’t supposed to hurt. And despite the little nagging voice in her head, Buffy knew that Spike would never hurt her. That was the other little voice, the one that said that she had finally found the love that wouldn’t hurt.
“I have to get away from that bad boy thing. There's no good there. Seeing Angel in LA... even for five minutes... hello to the pain.”
“The pain is not a friend.” Willow had replied.
“But I can't help thinking — isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know its nuts, but…part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting.”
The whole night had been amazing: the not-so-secret note, the dinner, him, the ice cream, the limo, the stars, the kisses, him. Everything about the night had been absolutely perfect. A perfect night that she hadn’t had in ages. As the slayer, Buffy didn’t have time to date. Sure, she wanted to have the social life of every other normal girl, but her schedule usually didn’t allow it. But now that she wasn’t the only chosen one, she had time to do the things that she had missed out on before. And Spike showed her what it was like to have an absolutely perfect evening.
She lay down in bed and turned off the light, but sleep evaded her. Spike’s face was all that she saw when she was awake and all she saw when she went to sleep. Spike was everywhere. He was all Buffy ever thought about. Now that he was back, nothing had changed. He was still everything she thought about, saw, and wanted.
It was weird.
After Angel left, all Buffy wished was for him to come back. After all, she had believed that he was her soul mate. She even screwed things up with Riley because she was afraid of feeling that pain again. Then Spike fell in love with her.
And everything changed.
He started doing good. Sure, part of it was the chip that the Initiative had shoved up his skull, but the fact that he loved her made him want be on the side of good, be a better man. He protected her sister, fought by her friends’ sides, and mourned her when she died. He had been her confidant, her secret lover. Buffy had thought that she needed to be punished, for hating her friends for tearing her out of heaven. She had used him, abused him, and Spike still stayed true.
Until the day he tried to rape her.
Buffy knew enough about human behavior to know that she had helped push him to that point. He had been so desperate to have her love him that he crossed a line. Disgust and self hatred had shown on his face that night, after she had pushed him off. It had been enough to push him to get his soul, and the reason Buffy fell in love with Spike was because she saw his penance.
He stopped trying to pressure her to love him, instead focusing his energy on becoming a better man. And he had. After she had seen the bodies of everyone he had murdered under the First’s trigger, he had wanted her to kill him. Spike had even wanted to leave town so as to not endanger her and her friends.
“The First talked to the little boy. Said it’s not time for me yet. I should move out. Leave town. Before it is time for me.”
“No,” Buffy had replied. “You have to stay.”
“You’ve got another demon fighter now.”
“That’s not why I need you here.”
“Is that right? Why’s that then?”
“’Cause I’m not ready for you to not be here.”
She hadn’t wanted him to leave. Even then, Buffy had needed him with her. And that was because he had changed. He fought against his inner demon, forced it down and became the man she knew he could be.
Spike had truly changed.
“Listen to me. You’re not alive because of pain. Or hate. You’re alive because I saw you change. I saw your penance.”
“Window dressing,” Spike scoffed.
“It would be easier, wouldn’t it? If it were an act? But it’s not.” Her face was full of emotion. “You faced the monster inside of you and you fought back. You risked everything to be a better man.”
“Buffy,” Spike moaned.
“And you can be. You are. You may not see it but I do. I believe in you, Spike.”
As Buffy thought about her revelation right before Spike died, she started to cry. Because he had changed. Because Buffy loved Spike. Really loved him, to the point of wanting to spend the rest of her life with him. She really did love him.
She had loved him all along.
In her bed, all alone, Buffy cried herself to sleep.
*******************
Spike couldn’t sleep. He had gotten to his room after the amazing night with Buffy, undressed and went to bed. Buffy was all he was thinking about. Then again, what else was new?
The night, although amazing, hadn’t gone quite as planned. There was supposed to have been more talking. Especially about why she was so against them being together. Of course, the alternative hadn’t been bad. There had been more kissing than talking. Not that he minded.
Kissing Buffy was always one of his favorite things. She had such sweet lips, sweet kisses. Everything about her was sweet. She was the sun that he had missed for over a hundred years, heaven and earth, and every single thing in between.
The reason for the fancy (read: expensive) dinner, other than to wear their new fancy clothes, was to talk to Buffy about why they couldn’t be together. On the other hand, kissing Buffy was much more interesting than talking. Spike sighed, and rolled over onto his stomach.
Sleep was futile.
Ever when thoughts of Buffy didn’t invade his mind, Spike had dreams of the battle that ended his life. Bit and pieces flashed through everyday thoughts so the battle was never far from his mind. The last thing he had said, what Buffy had told him, how he had responded, and the carnage that had rained around him before the amulet started working. All of it flashed through his mind at any given time, and sometimes it was enough to drive him to his knees.
The battle that tore him and Buffy apart, right as they had finally found something.
Coming back from the dead wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Spike felt detached, torn away from reality. If he had empathy for Buffy before his resurrection, he had ten times the empathy now.
Spike knew exactly how she felt.
Buffy had known that her friends loved her, but she had felt empty. Deep down, Spike felt that Buffy loved him, but for some reason didn’t believe it. Maybe it was experience, maybe it was just cynicism.
He was pretty sure it was the experience. With the exception of the year he got his soul, Buffy had done everything she could to show that she didn’t love Spike. It was only after he got his soul that Buffy started to even be nice to him. Of course, it was supposed to be like that. He had been a vampire after all, and she the slayer. She was supposed to hate him, treat him like the dirt he was.
So was it any surprise why he couldn’t believe she loved him?
And even now, she was running from whatever it was that she felt for Spike, refusing to see just how good the two of them could be together. Thinking about it made his heart hurt. Shutting his eyes tightly to avoid the flood of tears that threatened to escape, Spike tried to go to sleep.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m…fine. Couple of ribs a’int quite set right since…”
She had begun to lift his shirt to inspect his ribs. He had taken her hand, holding it to stop her. It had been a moment of tenderness, sweetness that acknowledged that there was something more between them. Something that wouldn’t be denied.
“I’m gonna be okay.”
As Buffy’s face swam behind his eyes, the tears started to fall.
Chapter Four
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