These characters belong to the gorgeous lads and lasses at Mutant Enemy.
The Song Remains the Same
Buffy yawned as she got out of the car, staggering under a heavy box and two large shopping bags. It had been a major Grade-A crapalicious day, it was late, and she needed to go to sleep. Giles hurried ahead to open the Magic Box door. “Thank you for assisting me with all of this,” he said.
“No problem. Though you could carry something, you know.”
“Your Slayer strength is more than adequate for the task,” Giles said hastily, “and it’s good training for you.”
A voice rang out behind them. “Hold! You have something we need.”
Buffy stopped, exasperated, and placed the box neatly on the ground. She was getting really, really sick of being accosted in the street. “Oh, what now?!” she turned.
And stared.
“Giles, what the HELL…?” her voice trailed off. She didn’t have the words.
Ten or twelve heavily muscled men stood in various aggressive poses, looking at her scornfully. Between them they had swords, crossbows, and probably any number of daggers concealed in private places. The man in the front narrowed his eyes, and raised his sword to an en garde position. He had dark, close-cropped hair, and piercing blue eyes.
He was also, like the rest, wearing a ivory ballgown, a tiara, and high heels.
“Oh dear,” Giles muttered. “I’ve heard of them.”
“Dangerous?” Buffy hissed out of the corner of her mouth.
“Not exactly.”
“What are they called?”
“We,” the leader announced arrogantly, “are the
Knights in White Satin.”
Buffy spluttered, laughing uncontrollably. “You, you,
have GOT to be kidding me!” she managed finally.
“No, they’re not,” Giles said. “Quickly,” he
opened the door and motioned Buffy through. The leader rushed after them, but
tripped over the box just as Giles slammed the door in his face. Buffy turned on
the light and placed her bags on the floor.
“Watch them,” Giles threw over his shoulder as he
grabbed a book from the shelves, opening it on the counter. “They’re
unpredictable but rarely enter an establishment. They prefer to fight outside.
There’s a way to banish them but I can’t remember it offhand.”
The leader thumped the glass door. “You have something
that belongs to us,” he said dangerously.
“Hang on,” Buffy smiled evilly, “is it something that
belongs to you, or something that you need? I’m just trying to get things
straight here.” The man growled through the window.
Giles leafed through his book. “They’re an ancient
order of Knights from another dimension. A dimension where a lot of the fiction
– songs and stories – from this universe is true. It’s the same as if we
were characters in a television show in another universe.”
“Huh,” Buffy kept an eye on the group in the street.
“Well, they don’t seem too aggressive. How did they get here?”
“They’re not, usually. I’m not sure – I thought I
felt a disturbance in the cosmos a week ago. Something like a multi-parallel
space-time inversion.”
Buffy nodded sarcastically, “Of course. What else would
it be?”
“But I attributed it to the pizza I had before bedtime.
It seems we have something of theirs.”
“Not the Key again?”
“I wouldn’t think so. But I’m not sure what they do
want. I’ll check the index…” he turned to the back of the book.
“Giles?”
“Mm?”
“How about I just ask ‘em?”
“Erm. Yes, all right.”
Buffy shrugged, then took a step closer to the door.
“Scary-looking guys?”
“Keep a civil tongue in your head, girl!”
“You keep a civil tongue in your head, or I’ll squirt
you with my…” she rummaged through the first bag, then emerged triumphant,
holding a cup aloft, “strawberry milkshake!” The man stepped back. “You
wouldn’t like your beautiful ivory dresses to get stained, would you,
ladies?”
“No,” he muttered, head down.
“Then tell me what you want.”
He blushed. “We need the, the I Love Ewe. Our Queen is
desperately upset. It was stolen by a rival band of warriors.”
“The I Love Ewe?” Buffy raised an eyebrow, and turned
to Giles. Their eyes met and both desperately choked back a laugh.
“Its full name is ‘The Ah-ah-ah I Love Ewe’,” the
knight admitted sheepishly. “It’s an object the Queen adores.”
“How old is this Queen?”
“She’ll be ten next birthday. Now, now, give us back
our Ewe!” he said belligerently, trying to regain lost ground.
“Oh!” Giles bounded up the stairs. “I think…” he
grabbed the bags by Buffy’s feet. “Yes!”
He pulled out a small box, with the imprint of the Finlay Collection on
it. He tore it open to reveal a stuffed toy.
A sheep.
“Giles, why do you have a toy sheep?” Buffy folded her
arms and looked at him. Just looked, until he stammered a reply.
“It’s – it’s – for my niece in England. She
collects them. I knew I’d never seen this item in the catalogue before – it
must have been transported from the other dimension last week, with the Knights.
Just in time to alter the entry in the catalogue. Which I read about in a
magazine, I don’t get it delivered, of course.”
Buffy ignored his attempt to change the subject. “Why
didn’t you have it sent straight to her, then?” she asked sweetly. “The
Finlay Collection has a lot of cute little toys. Did you want to cuddle the
itsy-bitsy sheepy yourself first?”
Giles was mercifully saved by a shimmer of light on the
street. When it had disappeared, another group of startled people was standing
there. Facing the Knights.
This group was dressed in bathing suits. Bikinis, Speedos,
and sarongs. Each had a voting form in hand. They saw the Knights and started to
advance.
“Oh no!” gasped the head Knight. “The I Will
Survivors! They stole the Ewe from us in the first place!”
“Quick, Giles! Give them the stupid sheep.” Giles and
the Knight glared at her. She held her hands up in apology. “Just do it!”
Giles passed the sheep through the door. The Knight
secreted it somewhere – when she heard elastic twang, Buffy refused to look.
“Now what do we do?”
“There’s a chant we can perform to get everyone back to
their own place in their own dimension, before they start destroying Sunnydale.”
Buffy nodded, uneasily noting that all the people on the
street had taken out weapons. Knives, swords, and a whole heap of coconuts.
“All right, what is it?”
He whispered in her ear.
She frowned. “You’re kidding.”
“No, I’m afraid not.”
“Please don’t ever tell anyone about this.”
Giles shrugged. “As long as you reciprocate the
promise.”
“Do it, please! You will have our eternal gratitude.”
The Knight outside the door was frantic. “I can’t protect the Ewe here; we
must be at home in our White Satin Castle!”
Giles took Buffy’s hand. They faced the street and
chanted together.
“Cold hearted orb that rules the night Removes the colours from our sight Red is grey and yellow white But we decide which is right” A whirlwind descended on the street. Leaves, paper, and someone’s bikini top whipped
through the air. Giles and Buffy swapped places and continued. “At first I was afraid On the last word, the street stilled. The people were gone, leaving only a tattered scrap of white satin, and a sarong.
“Whew,” Buffy slumped against the door. She leapt up again as lightning cracked behind her. A cluster of – “Smurfs?!” – were gathered
desolately around the doorway. One knocked desultorily, peering in. “No, Buffy. Not Smurfs.” She groaned, “Could this GET any weirder! What, then?” “I’m not sure how to banish these ones. I have to get another book.” Giles took off his glasses
and rubbed his forehead. “It’s the Moody Blues.”
I was petrified
